Thursday, October 31, 2013

It's finally over


Normally, I write humor, but today I just want to soak in the moment of a Red Sox World Series win. 

The 2013 World Series Red Sox will not be characterized by high paid free agents, big contracts or superstars.  Instead they were a scruffy, scrappy, and tenacious group of men who wanted it bad enough to overcome the odds. 

They had:

Beaten the Division:
Beaten the Tampa Bay Rays:
Beaten the Detroit Tigers:
Beaten the St. Louis Cardinals:

The playoffs today promise a vicious cycle of competition and exhaustion as you face obstacle after obstacle.  This was not an easy run.  Shane Victorino was always playing hurt.  David Ross and Salty were pretty banged up by the end and certainly everyone on the team was exhausted.  Yet, they played with their hearts and heads, made mistakes and battled everything.  There were no single superstars although the Boston Red Sox closer Koji Uehara might be in that light -- despite the fact he's 38.  David Ortiz had a monster year despite being up there in years himself.  John Lackey was tough despite overcoming Tommy John surgery.  John Lester finally found his stride after battling himself half the year.  The list goes on and on but the point is this -- The Boston Red Sox proved you don't need ridiculous free agent contracts to get a good team together -- you just need a team.



Monday, July 8, 2013

Bobby Valentine Enjoys Construction Traffic As Way To Pass Time!!!


Bobby Valentine may not have much to do these days after being fired from the Red Sox but he says he literally is going a different direction these days -- road construction.

Bobby:
I get my greatest joy from driving through construction zones.  I now go out of my way to see them.  I'm traveling all 50 states just to get into traffic jams.  I enjoy starring at the cars, the license plates, the grass, the road...I mean that is living and seeing those hard working construction workers hanging around chatting and just having good times is just an added bonus.

Bobby also commented that a big part of his day is when the shift changes. 

Bobby:
Shift changes are great. You have the morning shift.  There they are in the warm sun drinking water and...well I never actually see them doing anything.

Actually they just stand around chatting.  Oh, it's fun to see them all having a good time.

Bobby:
Then you have the afternoon shift.  They look awfully tired as you can see here from all that chatting.  It's a tough job.  I'm sure they are getting to their job...but you know the hot sun.
Bobby:
Then you have the evening shift.  That's usually when they get together and stand around some more.  You can tell the different shifts by looking at your clock.  Morning shift is 8 - 10 am.  Day shift is 10am - 12:00 pm and afternoon shift is 12:00 pm to 2:00 pm before they call it a day after a hard day's chatting.  It's great and the best part is the traffic moves so slowly you really have a lot of time to hang around and enjoy the weather.  I often talk to people on the road as they wait in traffic for hours at a time.  Man some people have the wrong attitude.  Construction zones are awesome.  Heck where else can you turn a two hour drive into fifteen right!

I'm Joe Derive

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Andrew Bailey -- don't worry, I'm still getting paid


In a press conference today, Andrew Bailey wanted to ensure worried Red Sox fans that he is still getting paid and will continue to do so no matter what.

"Even when -- not if -- I get injured or when I provide up the inevitable bone-crushing loss for the team, the team is still paying me a boatload of money so fans need not worry that I'm not seeing green each week."

Bailey also wanted to ensure fans he'll still pitch despite his struggles.

"Since I have a contract they have no choice but to watch me blow more games and give up runs.  It does break my heart to see children crying in their parent's arms after a ninth inning loss, but thanks to my paycheck I can go out and buy a new Ford Excursion with built in GPS and climate control and get my mind off of those things."

Bailey also wanted fans to know he'll continue to find his form again.

"Barring the inevitable injury -- heck I'm not Brittle Bailey for nothin', I plan to keep on throwing the ball directly over the fat part of the plate.  At some point somebody is not going to hit a home run and swing and miss.  It's going to take time but it will happen.  In the mean time, fans of opposing teams can enjoy the fact that I am giving up more home runs than the number of tears on a child's face when I blow a game."

Asked what he will do when his contract expires.

"Well, that of course is a worry.  I've gotten used to private jets, penthouses, multiple homes, luxury cars, private vacations in Paris and so forth but I'm confident that during the last month of my contract I'm return to form so that a team like the Dodgers will pick up my contract so that I continue to get paid otherwise that new Mercedes might have to sit in the showroom and then I will be the one that's crying...oh I can't even think of that...too terrifying. "

I'm Joe Derive

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Papelbon to return to Sox...for a few prospects and players...BIG TRADE





In a Blockbuster trade with cash considerations, the Red Sox have one of the best closers in the game in Jonathan Papelbon.  The trade isn't without some reservations but Ben Cherington of the Red Sox had this to say:

'We were thrilled to have one of the greatest closers in the game back in the fold.  Yes there were some small sacrifices to be made and perhaps giving away the entire Pawtucket Red Sox organization might have been hasty but it was worth it.'

Cherington, who has been struggling to get a closer to replace Papelbon is pleased with the situation.  The situation is also exciting Phillies fans.

"I can't believe the Sox were this stupid.  Wow, they can have Cliff Lee at any time."

Still many Boston fans have reservations as well.   Here is the deal as signed today.

The Red Sox will pick up the entire contract of Jonathan Papelbon with a fifty million dollar raise as well making his salary one hundred million per year.  In order to get the all star, the Sox gave up the following players:

 DH - David Ortiz
P - Clay Bucholtz
P - Jon Lester
P - Felix Dubront
P - John Lackey (Sox will pay the remaining salary of the contract)
P - Brian Dempster
2B - Dustin Pedroia
CF - Jacobe Ellsbury
3B - Will Middlebrooks
Manager -  John Farrell
P - Andrew Miller
The entire Pawtucket Red Sox team minus Daniel Bard. 
NESN broadcasting network

All salaries will be picked up by the Boston Red Sox. While many fans are stunned at the somewhat lopsided trade, threatening to burn their season tickets, Ben Cherington had this to say.

"Daniel Bard is clearly a top starter and will have plenty of opportunities to work out his control issues since he'll have to pitch every day of the week now.  He's so smart, he'll figure it out and we're excited to be building a great winning team around him.  
 For now though fans can rest easy that on the very rare occasions where we will be winning a game, we will not lose that game as Jonathan Papelbon will be our closer and since we are low on pitchers he will be expected to be serving as long relief and a position player and manager as well as we don't have much of our team left.'

Meanwhile the fans of Philly can rest assured that the all star cast of the Boston Red Sox now have a new home in Philadelphia and Boston can only hope that fans around Boston can serve as players considering that the Sox don't have much of a team anymore.

Joe Derive




Monday, June 17, 2013

Cherington frustrated at Jose Iglesias success -- wants him shot


In a shocking turn of events, Ben Cherington says that Jose Iglesias needs to be shot to quell the frustration of success that is permeating the club house.

'A simple execution should be enough to finally stop his relentless hitting and fielding.  It's time our elite shortstop J.D. Drew -- now hitting .209 and striking out 50% of the time back into the lineup to bring stability and peace.'

Cherington does admit that Jose's success is frustrating and adds that...

"Fortunately, sabermetrics offers a tremendous amount of B.S. (Baseball stats) that we can use to argue that this is a fluke and he's a bad player.  We have PCA (pitch count average) which measures the amount of pitches each player receives as a function of success.  Jose gets long counts and according to PCS (pitch count success) as well as HDA (hit distance average) and of course our personal favorite 'BWVSS (bat weight versus shoe size) we have a player on his way to disaster.  I'm afraid we have to consider an immediate execution.  We'll give him his choice of firing squad or being thrown from an airplane -- we will give him a free pair of Boze headphones with the Red Sox label of course.  We're not insane.'

While the execution date is still up in the air, Cherington promises he will continue to cripple the lineup until the Sox slowly fade away to oblivion at short.

"We've had Julio Lugo as well as tons of other shortstops that are horrible and we will not quit until we get a combination of Manny Ramirez, Josh Beckett and Bobby Jenks at short.  Have no fear."

Ben is also concerned about the closer position but is pleased by the present closer's success.

"He's pretty awful so we won't shoot him but let me tell you...Clay B...watch out."

I'm Joe Derive.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Ben Cherington and John Farrell meet at Arnie's


Arnie looked out at the two slumping down drinks as if they were IV's.  He shook his head and went back into the kitchen.  His restaurant catered now to everyone both rich and famous and those looking for an evening out.  He was a good man, a kind man, a generous man and one fed up with Julio Lugo as his employer.

"Lugo, go over there and tell those two to quit it!"

Lugo walked out smashing into the door.  Plates and forks flew everywhere and Arnie scrambled to clean it up.

"That's another five hundred dollars you owe me..."

"At this rate, I'll have nothing left in my paycheck, let alone my bank account"

"That's the idea Lugo...it's your fault for all the years you made me suffer watching you in a Red Sox uniform....and that's a hundred for the stained apron.  I have to have it wet cleaned now and that's expensive."

"Right Arnie...sorry."

Lugo walked out and went to the table and saw Red Sox manager John Farrell and Ben Cherington, head of player operations slouched in their chairs watching the ceiling fans spin around.  Their heads could be seen mimicking their movements.

"Wow, "said Farrell.  "It's quite hypnotic watching it spin and spin."

"I'd estimate several revolutions per minute...boy I wish Daniel Bard were here to figure out that stuff...stuff..."

"OK you two, "said Lugo.  "Enough booze...you have to get a cab and go home."

"Oh hi Lugo, "said Ben.  "Glad you see your baseball career isn't ending...for now you're throwing away busted plates instead of ballgames..."

"ha...ha..." said Lugo.  "My radio show..."

"The only locally produced sports themed show in the northern Cleveland Ohio section with a major sports figure talking about sports at the 2:30 am spot...ya we got it, "said Farrell and Ben in unison.

"OK but let's call it a night OK."

"Night, " snapped Farrell.  "Man my team couldn't win a game if the legendary John Farrell was pitching...in my prime...oh we are the 67 Mets."

"I honestly had NO idea I'd get two relievers in a row that were so bad, "said Ben referring to Brittle Bailey and Joe Hanarhan  both failed experiments following the likes of Eric Gagne, Bobby 'Double Fist' Jenks, etc. etc. etc.

"Ya you did, "snapped John.  "If you wanted them they were bad...and you traded Jed Lowrie...when we needed a shortstop...for this?'

"I can pitch, "snapped Lugo. 

"So pitch me..." slurred John.  'pitch me your idea for a winning team. "

"No...we need...ah...we need...where is my sabermetrical calculator.  I need to calculate the .OPS .PBS...or is it the .BS calculation for the .PPS .PBS..."

"That's a television network you morono...' snapped John gulping down his last drink.  "And I for one consider it my sworn duty to point out that all that sabermetic crap is just that...#$#$#$ '

'OK you three, "snapped Arnie.  " I run a respectable and classy restaurant and people are looking at you and that hurts my business so..out you and you and you..."

"But I work here, "snapped Lugo.

"Like I said, " said Arnie.  'I run a respectable restaurant.'

'Fine, "snapped Lugo,  'I'm otta here..."

"I have to face Larry Luchchciuoeo....or whatever his name is...I'm jumping out that...window and that's it, "snapped Ben Cherington who quickly smashed through the window falling into the night air.

"Oh crap, "snapped John Farrell.

"Don't worry, "said Arnie.  "it's a one floor building.  '

"Oh, ' said John.  'Can I get another...my team...is killing me...softly."

"Gotta close up John...sorry."

 'I'll pay you...one hundred...thousand dollars...now..."

"John...I'm an honest man and you need to go home and get some rest...you have a game tomorrow."

John got up and fell right down crashing into the floor.  Arnie sighed.

"Clean up Lugo...gonna be a LONG night."









Monday, May 6, 2013

Bobby Valentine - ME!

Tina Derive Show

Hello, I'm Tina Derive instead of Mrs. Joe Derive and I say that since my husband seems to see me as something less than an astute and clever individual with dazzling looks and brilliance. 

Tina:
Hello everyone...I'm here with Bobby Valentine and he is talking about his new book -- "ME !!!'  and all those exclamation points, Bobby...why ME?

Bobby:
Come on Tina...what else matters?

















Tina:
Now I understand that in your book you included 243 pages of closeups of your face.  Do you think that was excessive?

Bobby:

Well I tell ya Tina, I looked at all the photos and I decided that I couldn't leave any of them out as they all spoke to me and it will give the audience a clearer understanding of who I am. 













Tina:
In your book, speaking of the Red Sox you stated:

"I have been completely misunderstood and frankly underestimated.  Genius often goes unnoticed.  The Red Sox organization failed to understand greatness and this sadly created a toxic atmosphere that even my great abilities...blah, blah, blah..."  Now what do you have to say to that?

Bobby:
Sorry Tina I wasn't paying attention. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I do have to stare and admire myself.  Today I just noticed what...what amazing eyes I have and how they get so noticed by everyone.  What were you saying?













Tina:
I was quoting from you book.  Let me try again...' blah, blah, blah, blah...blah,blah,blah...blah,blah...any comment.

Bobby:

Do I look better with a tie on or not?  I always struggle with that.  If the audience notices 50 photos with a tie, they might also notice 50 without a tie.  Well...you don't want to here all that...your question?













Tina:
Right...in your book you state, "I am a big fat idiot with an ego the size of the planet Saturn.  I destroyed the Red Sox chances with my big fat sickening grin and stupid commentary.  If I focused on team instead of ME, this would have been a much better situation...did I get that right?

Bobby:

I really should have taken more photos of myself in a Mets uniform.  Do you like the serious photo of myself...doesn't that scream...ah...brilliance. 










Tina:
So you agree with all the comments I just stated to you.

Bobby:

Wait...did you see this photo? I love it when I stand there, eyes screaming brilliance, body in great shape, heart filled with passion.  Can you see this Tina?  Can you see the genius of a man.  I do a radio show now.  My audience is up to fifteen viewers.  Watch out big time media, here comes Bobby V! I get a lot of former Julio Lugo radio guests.












Tina:
Bobby...NO you will not put up life size photos of yourself in this room. This is MY studio not your self-admiration fan club.  Take them down NOW!

Bobby:
Hold on a minute Tina...I thought this show was about ME and that means the audience wants to hear and see ME and that means they must see me through these life size photos -- available at 10% discount through my website bdsm-me.com
That means

"Bobby Darling  Stands mighty-me.com"





Tina:
Oh my...that's the name of your site?  Why would anyone want to see a Bobby Valentine bdsm site?

Bobby:
It's only been up 10 years Tina, it takes time to get an audience although I am a bit surprised I haven't had many visitors but I do get some nasty comments about these guys expecting a porn site and find me instead.  Does BDSM mean something besides Bobby Darling Stands Mighty?

Tina:
Right...OK Bobby it's been a pure delight to end this time with you and I can't tell you how good I feel to know we've done.  Thank you Mr. Valentine.

Bobby:
Absoltely Tina.  Good luck on  your marriage.

Tina:
Excuse me?  What's that supposed to me?

Bobby:
I meant congratulations on your marriage.  Press is always confusing my comments.  Typcail Boston Press.

Tina:
I'm from Colorado.

Bobby:
They too have their issues...Colorado always twisting the truth,

Tina:
I lied I came from Kentucky!

Bobby:
There you go...Kentucky...bad situation.

Tina:
Wow...you just can't help the hole you're digging yourself into.  Wow...you truly are unique Bobby.

Bobby:
I am...Legend

Tina:
And I'm Tina Derive and have a nice day.