Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Red Sox Commercial

Julio Lugo
"OK, Fruit Of the Loom commercial, Take 1. Go on Julio Lugo."
Lugo walks on the set tripping over the light smashing it to the ground.
"OK, ah...step towards the camera."
Lugo walks into the camera and sends it to the ground.
"OK, back away from the camera Lugo."
Lugo backs off and trips over some wires sending two more lights to the ground.
"OK Lugo, why don't we take a break."
Jason Varitek
"OK Fruit of the Loom commercial, Take 2. Go on Jason."
"OK, when considering underwear, first consider the forces of nature that create the raw material of cotton. Cotton itself requires a staggering amount of labor and resources to generate a plant. Cotton itself is a raw material that is composed of..."
"OK Dr. Jason, why don't we take a break here."
Manny Ramirez
"OK Fruit of the Loom commercial, Take 3. Go on Manny."
"OK do you have a hard on. I have one now the size of a telephone pole. Ah, Ah! Every time I think of money I get it so let me show you how hard it is!"
"OK....let's take a break here FREAK!"
Jason Bay
"OK, Fruit of the loom Commercial...Take 4. Go on...Jason...Jason?"
"Sorry guys, I need more money. I mean, I have to explore my options. I need payment for the underwear, a car, sunroof, and let's not forget travel expenses and..."
"OK, let's take a break here...AGAIN."
Mike Lowell
"OK, Fruit of the Loom Commercial...Take 5. Mike Lowell."
"Ow!"
"Mike WATCH OUT FOR THAT CRANE!"
Mike falls on the ground after the crane accidentally breaks three ribs.
"Sure, nothing. I can...take it."
Mike leans towards the camera when a light falls on his shoulder dislocating it. "
"Dammit...grrr....if you want...crap...ah..."
"Mike what are you doing? That's a LIVE WIRE! Don't TOUCH IT!"
When Mike tried to get up as a live wire burned his clothes off his body!
"I...can...TAKE IT....I'm...AHHH...Fruit...underwear...AHHHH"
"Call the paramedics. No MIKE...THE MOUSE TRAPS!!!!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Clay Buckhotz
"OK, Fruit of the loom. Take...ah...whatever"
"OK...why didn't I get picked first! I'm good too! Why am I a second fiddle! I mean...I'm tired of this crap!"
"I just want to do a stupid commercial about underwear...NEXT!"
J.D. Drew
"OK Fruit of the Loom commercial...take 8. OK Drew."
"OW...damn paper cut...sorry."
"It's OK. Take your time."
"Man, these shoes are too tight. I think I broke my foot."
"Ah..."
"Oh crap, this underwear is too tight. I cracked my hip. I can't walk. Ow...my tooth hurts. Ow..my nose hurts. The hairs are too tight. Ow my jaw hurts from talking."
"OK...OUT!"
Jacobe Ellsbury
"OK Fruit of the Loom Underwear...take 9. OK Jacobe."
"Normally, I'd be glad to do a commercial for underwear. I consider myself a nice guy and all but face it dudes. My agent is Scott Boras and that means an attitude change. All I can say is #$#$ you. frankly...show me the..."
"OK, GET OUT"
Tim Wakefield
"So buy fruit of the Loom underwear at a local store near you. Is that OK?"
"OK...it was fantastic. Thank you Tim."
"Sure but I honestly think you guys paid me too much money..."

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Madness of Lowell

"HI, I'm Mike Lowell. Maybe you know me from the obvious pain I put up with every day to be in this game. Hip pain, thumb pain, I don't care. I can take body pain...but him...and you know who I mean right! I can't take it anymore but..."
Mike stops screaming.
"But I got a part-time job. Something to keep my mind off of things. I'm a Limo driver! You see the regular driver is tied up at the moment at my house...ha.ha.ha.ha.ha.ha!"
Mike settles down.
"But I'm not MAD"
Mike drives down the street.
"You know, what's important is to be cool about it you know. Just get your mind out of baseball...even though I almost got traded to the Ranger...AHHHH"
a pause.
"Anyway, I wonder who my first client is going to be. Surely I didn't arrange this."
Mike smiles at the window.
"Thank you driver...Fenway park."
"No problem...sir."
A pause.
"What happened to Wally?"
"Wha...ah...he threw up this morning so they ah...got me from central. Ya"
A pause.
"Oh, OK."
Mike grinds his teeth.
"OK, whew tough day."
"Really, must be that trading that total loser Mike Lowell has got to be killing you!"
A laugh.
"Ha, Mike's still with us. Even Texas turned him down."
Mike grinds a mad look on his face!
"Ya, the guy's washed up. What a pain in the butt hu!"
Mike grips the wheel harder.
"Ya, well, I suppose you could go there and all. He's not like J.D. Drew. That's a winner!"
Mike smashes his head against the steering wheel."
"Driver, you OK?"
"Oh...ya...ow...just need to tighten up the seat belt and all. Ya...Drew a winner. Ya."
Theo sat back.
"Ya, he's our rock. I love J.D. Lowell is so not Drew."
A loud scream came out the window from Mike Lowell. He huffed and puffed.
"Driver, are you OK?"
"Ya, "said Mike. "Just celebrating Drew. Ya, extended contract. Rock on DREW!"
A sigh.
"Ya, another one that was hard to let go was Julio Lugo. What a great player. I still miss him. So much better than Lowerll."
Mike slams the breaks and hits the stop sign.
"Excuse me sir. I need to step out for a second. Little....stomach flu. Go Lugo!"
"Oh sure."
Mike stepped out of the car hitting his head against the wall.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
He then calming went back in with a cracked skull, busted fingers including a thumb and a mad look on his face.
"Jesus driver, you don't look so good!"
"Ya, like that loser Mike Lowell hu. The guy who turned down a higher salary for loyalty."
A pause.
Theo signed and said, "well, we'll dump him soon enough. Hey, it's kind of fun making fun of Mike Lowell hu!"
Mike smiles like a madman.
"Let's take a trip...to the country!"
Mike grinds the transmission and bullets into the country.
"Wow this car has speed all right. Ya, like Lugnuts Lugo!"
"Lugnuts Lugo...oh shit you're Mike Lowell!"
"Ha, how long it take you to figure that out Elmer FUDD! I'm going to kill you. You're dead Theo...DEAD."
A pause.
"OK Mike, how about I buy you a burger. You like burgers."
"Oh ya, that's not going to work this time Theo!"
"OK Avatar...front row seats!"
The car stops.
"Really?"
"Of course. Let me make a ....'call' and get tickets.
Mike sat back and smiled and then stepped out of the car.
"Mike where are you going?"
The car blows up.
"Now Avatar will be a sweet deal!"

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Cookie Season for Girl Stouts

You know when you have the right material, comedy is easy and being the new cookie coordinator for my troop this year gave me a lot of material.

Tim Wakefield sat at his desk at home. A long season and how girl scout cookies were upon him. Tim was just that guy because he's Tim Wakefield. All around good guy.
Tim picked up the manual and then found the cookie tools provided. A short video played.

"Hi, welcome cookie coordinator. We hope you're enjoying your complementary box of cookies. What a great reward for the minor 50 + hours of work you'll be doing.
Your task in getting your scouts to sell cookies will decide if your troop succeeds or ends up in the basement of lamentations that will forever tarnish you and your troop. Sounds bad doesn't it!"

Tim nodded feeling panic hit his heart.

"Now we're not panicking are we? We're here to ensure you succeed with arm twisting marketing tools, on line guilt trips, as well as the techniques of pressure sales and aggressive advertising. Believe me you'll need it since you're footing the bill for any unsold cookies. "


"Gee, " said Tim. "They sure come on...strong don't they."

"You're first step of course is a motivational meeting with your troop. Remind them that with the mere sale of 10,000 boxes, your troop will earn not only self esteem but a free pencil with included eraser. With 20,000 boxes they'll earn a free 8-track player so that your troop can learn the history of audio and with the sale of 30,000 cookies you'll get a free David Cassidy tape to play in your player. But, if you sell 1.2 billion boxes of cookies you're troop with get their own Sony DVD player. Are you feeling motivated or what."

Tim nodded wondering how in the world he can sell 1.2 billion boxes of cookies by March."

"You're probably wondering how you can sell 1.2 billion boxes of cookies by March. "

Tim nodded and said, "boy you guys are in tune to my needs."

"Well, the only way to sell the cookies is of course to do nothing but sell cookies but there are techniques you should know about. For example. many people with heart conditions and high cholesterol will have concerns but don't let that deter you. As long as they are properly insured you have nothing to worry about and who can resist cookies with a mere 120 calories from fat per cookie. Mmmm I'm feeling my arteries clog already with sales excitement."

Tim felt his mind wonder to the reset button on the computer.

"But don't hit that reset button! At the first meeting you'll learn techniques to let your troop feel the pressure but in a very positive way. So order that 1.2 billion boxes of cookies and go selling!"

Tim sat back and picked up the phone.

"Hell0, psychiatric hospital. Do you have any openings."

Monday, December 14, 2009

Superman's Insurance Company

(For Marcus)

A man storms into the building in long underwear and a cape that's still on fire. He sprinkles ashes on the floor before putting out the flame. He storms up to the insurance agent and slams a piece of paper in front of her.
"Ah...can I help you?"
The man burns with anger.
"I am having a real problem here!"
"Yes I can see that, "said the sarcastic insurance agent. She was dressed in a red tone that likened itself to fire and brimstone.
"I'm Superman."
She chuckles and says, "no you're not!"
The man says, "I am."
She leans back and says, "so where is your suit!"
The man grits his teeth and says, "that's what I'd like to know. Do you know how ridiculous I look saving people from a fire...in...Sears UNDERWEAR!"
The woman chuckles and says, "well I hope you got in on sale...oh you're not kidding are you?"
"No...I'm NOT"
The woman sighs and says, "oh I remember. That's the house on 4th street. We just canceled their insurance policy just after the first started. What a terrible coincidence isn't it."
The man leans down and says, "and I thought Lex Luthor was evil!"
The woman scoffs and says, "so you want your suit right?"
"And a reduction in rates. It seems to me that considering I do this for my love of people that I shouldn't have to pay $25,000 a year on a policy that was $1000 a YEAR AGO!"
The woman types on the computer.
"Well Superman, you have to understand that the suit we designed for you was not covered for things like large fires, code # 21232 and gun fights, code number #21233. We only covered it for small fires. code # 21231 and 22 caliber guns, code 22121. You can clearly see the information on page 2,125, paragraph 4. The one in fine print. "
Superman sits down and cracks the glass on the desk.
"Even my super vision can't read print the size of an atom!"
"Oh Superman, we really didn't mean to make the print that small! That was just a mistake"
"Don't insult me anymore than I already feel wearing long underwear on Sear's discount rack"
"Listen Superman, your suit will be ready soon along with the new stipulations as well. Don't worry, you're covered."
"What...NEW stipulations?????"
The woman paused and said, "fires in large buildings are only covered if limited to one floor."
"THAT's INSANE. "
"No, its insurance."
"What's the DIFFERENCE!"
A pause.
"Listen why don't we talk about this when you're calm. In the mean time you can enjoy our waiting area and have donuts and ...."
"I'd tell you to go to hell, but I can see you already live here!"
"Suit yourself...oh that was a funny pun wasn't it."
Superman smashed the desk and flies off.
{TWO DAYS LATER}
A call comes in on Superman's hot line.
"Superman...the building's on fire. HELP"
Superman paused with a smirk on his face.
"Don't I know you?"
"It's your insurance company...HELP will you!"
Superman leaned back in his chair.
"Ah, so you're saying you need me to put out the fire?"
"Yes..."
"Is it more than one floor because I can't cover you if its more than one floor. You know the contract and all. It's very technical but you can read about it...well at least until it burns up in the fire."
A pause.
"Listen, this is no time for this. We're all going to die here!"
"You know what's wrong with a bus load of insurance agents going off a cliff?"
A pause.
"Yes, it's bad of course but that's why we have Superman!"
Superman yawns.
"Ya...well I think you really need to talk to me when you calm down. Why don't you call me back later."
"We'll be dead later. HELP!"
"You know when I signed on to being Superman, I didn't expect to do things like fires. I mean small fires are OK but big ones are just not covered..."
"OK, OK I got the point. We'll talk about this but SAVE US!"
Superman hung up the phone and stretched his legs
"Today, I just made the world a better place."

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Copyright Of Lugo

John Henry had had enough. He grabbed Theo Epstein and said, "this is it idiot. I'm going to kill you."
"But why Mistah Henwy. I was always so good for you. Ha ha."
John blasted his eyes at Elmer and said, "so why did we forgo Gonsalez for an incompetent, idiotic shortstop who won't stay healthy!"
Elmer paused and looked at the camera and said, "he's got me there folks!"
Elmer pulled himself away from Henry as Henry reached for his wifle...or rifle in our case and scrammed out of the building against the blasts of shotguns. he ran through the forest until he flew into a rabbit hole. A rabbit flew out to face Mr. Henry.
Henry was huffing and puffing.
"Get out of my way Lugo Rabbit."
"Ah...what's up doc."
Henry slammed his face against the rabbit and said, "do you know how much I HATE that STUPID line!"
Bugs Lugo leaned in and said, "listen Doc. Do you know how much Warner Bros. pays me for that line. I've been saying it for over fifty years and frankly it pisses me off to hear you degrade it!"
Bugs Lugo leans towards the camera and says, "sorry about the swear folks but I gotta keep up with the times."
"You got it doc!"
Henry leans in and grinds out, "where he is. Where is Elmer Epstein!"
"Ah, personally doc...he's not in that hole!"
Henry leans in and said, "so that's where he is!"
Bugs Lugo leans down and says, "would I throw a tear gas container down that hole if Elmer was in there."
Henry smiled and said, "I would."
"Funny doc, "said Henry. "But would I drop dynamite down that hole if Elmer were down there!"
Henry smiled and said, "oh I like it!"
Bugs Lugo said, "well would I light a match and drop it down that hole!"
Henry smiled and said, "stop it! I'm enjoying this too much!"
Bugs lugo looks at the camera and said, "these pictures are too violent aren't they!"
Henry jumped up and down and said, "light it...light it!"
Bugs dropped the match down the hole and it exploded.
"OK rabbit. I guess he's not here."
Henry walked away. Bugs looked at the camera and said, "ain't I a stinker."
Elmer looked up covered in ash and said, "ya...I would agwee."
THE END.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Elmer does it again

Elmer Epstein walked into the office of John Henry. He sat down which is what you do when you're in trouble.
"So...we don't have a shortstop."
"No Mistah Henwy."
"We don't have a left fielder."
"No Mistah Henwy."
"We LOST our shortstop."
"Yes Mistah Henwy but I have a weally gweat idea. Let's use Dustin Pedwoia on showt stop."
"Oh good. So I suppose Dice-K is going to be our new left fielder!"
"Oh, that's only when he's not pitching of course!"
A long pause.
"Excuse me Elmer. I have to get my gun out! A double barreled shotgun with a full round. "
"It's a weally nice gun.:"
(Seconds later)
Elmer walked out of the office covered in black powder.
"Wow, Mr. Henwy doesn't seem to like my ideas!"
"Ah...what's up doc!"
Elmer grabbed his gun.
"Why you waskly wabbit. It's youh fault that I'm in this much twouble."
"Ah doc...confidentially."
"Yes."
"You're an IDIOT"
Elmer then turns toward the camera and says, "he does these types of things to me throughout the picture."
Long chase scene develops. Elmer smashes into Kason Gabbard.
"Well, hewwo Jason Gabbawd. I hope you'we not upset for twading you."
(A few seconds later and an explosion)
"Gee Jason Gabbawrd is a weally good shot"
"IT's KASON!"
Elmer see Bugs Lugo and runs again before slamming into Gonsalez.
"Well, Hell0 Mistah..."
(A few seconds later and an explosion)
"Gee, Mistah Gonsalwez is a weally good shot too. Something twells me we should have signed him."
Elmer then runs further chasing after the rabbit before running into Orlando Cabrera.
"You're not going to..."
( a few seconds later and an explosion)
"Gee, I think somewon is twying to twell me something. Oh boy."
THE END

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

What if Insurance Companies ran our lives

You are a driver. You want to step into the car. This is a new 'smart' car designed to decide for you telling you what you can and can't do in the car. Insurance companies are out looking for you! You unlock the car and open the door. You sit down on the seat. You place the key in the ignition.

'I'm sorry. Car will not start since unlocking car is not covered under our policy. Please enter and exit again'

You try to remove the key.

"Please remove the key before exiting car. "

You remove the key from the ignition and then exit the car and open the door, without a key, and then repeat the process. The key is in the ignition.

'I'm sorry but do to theft concerns, you must first lock the car with your key and then unlock the car before inserting key. Your use of a key is outside our policy requirements.'

You then smash the steering wheel with your fist.

'I'm sorry but a steering wheel can only be used once the car is started. This is not covered under our policy'

You scream loud at the car cursing.

"You seem to be having trouble. Please contact the nearest agent at 1 800 222-2123."

You feel better. You call the number.

"I'm sorry but our number has changed. Please call us at 1 800 222-2123"

You realize its the same number and call again. Your heart is now racing and sweat is dripping down your face. A maddening look is oozing from your eyes.

"Welcome to our insurance company. Please listen carefully as your menu options have changed. If you are experiencing an episode of mental collapse, press #1"

You press 1.

"Welcome. You are in the right place. Please hang up and dial 1 800 222-2124"

You curse and scream and start dialing the phone. You want to use the restroom. You try to open the door.

"I'm sorry but your door cannot be unlocked without first removing the key. This is a new feature installed in your car. Aren't you happy?"

You smash your head against the windshield.

"If you are experiencing a crack in the windshield, please note this is not covered under our insurance policy but you can always pay for it yourself, and if you don't your car will not start until you do pay for it."

Tears welt down your face.

"We want to remind you of the necessary rate increase due to you smashing your head against the windshield. "

You scream but bite your tongue. You can still get mental health by the insurance company. You can relax.

"Welcome. You are having a nervous breakdown. If you need immediate help, please call 1 800 222-2125, otherwise press #1
.

You foolishly press 1. The phone hangs up. How did that happen? You dial the new number 1 800 222-2125

"Hello and welcome. Please understand that mental health services of your type are conveniently not covered under our policy and you should expect yet another courtesy rate increase of your services. Please only use our services after we drop you from our policy."

You try to open the door.

"You haven't paid your new rate increase and that means we can't let you get out of the car. However you can pay by phone by calling 1 800 222-2126

You call desperate to get this done.

"Welcome. You have experienced a new rate increase. Once you receive your bill in the mail, you can promptly call us back to pay the bill. If you need mental health services, call 1 800 222-2125. mental health is provided as an additional service. Since you have not hung up, we assume you need them and have automatically increased your policy rate as an adjustment.

You sit catatonic watching drool drip down your face. Isn't it lovely to have insurance