Friday, April 30, 2010

Big Papi's restaurant

Hi! Welcome to Big Papi's restaurant where Tomaine is a vitamin. Look here's Drew. What you cooking up tonight?

"Oh I have a gorgeous chicken casserole with herbs and spices and for desert a delicious apple pie!"
Wow, J.D. That's something else.
"Frozen food is a good invention Or...ow my back!"
That J.D. He does nothing but I pay him.
"Dammit, I stabbed myself with my own pencil."
What moron is that stu...oh hi Beltre!"
"Hey David...ow...I put my knife in my sash."
So?
"I don't have a sash."
(pause)
You do now!

Anyway, come down to Big Papi's where we care about your every meal. Hey where's Drew?'
"Will you keep quiet. I just broke my thumb when Beltre smashed it with a hammer."
"Hey!!! I was just trying to mince the garlic!"
I would ask how that possible but Beltre continue to amaze Big Papi.
Oh, I'm feeling good. So let's check out on Lugo surprise.
"Hey Lugo!"
"Hey David. I never knew Rat poison could taste so good....ah..."
Lugo you bigger idiot than Beltre and that not good!
"OW! ORTIZ. Firearms and Beltre...bad idea!"
OK, I guess I have go now so join us for Papi's restaurant.

Remembering Lugo

Just came up with this one on the top of my head.

With the 2007 Spring Training season around the corner the Red Sox look forward to a new look at shortstop with Julio Lugo. Julio has already gave us some unintentional comic relief when he threw the ball into the stands after fielding a grounder.
"I was just...joking around."
Lugo then threw a bat into the stands while taking warm up swings. It demonstrated Lugo's tremendous power and incompetence.
"I was just...joking around."
Lugo also threw his helmet at teammate Jason Varitek when he tripped over his glove and fell to the ground sending his helmet into the air.
"I was just...joking around."
Afterwards Julio gave us some demonstration of his great talent at short effectively missing every grounder tossed at him including one that was rolled to him from two inches away. However he still managed to throw his shoe at Dustin Pedroia after he forgot to tie it.
"I was just...joking around."
Fans themselves seemed quite amazed at Julio Lugo and his many skills.
"My brother with a broken back could play better than he could and he's not joking around!"
The warm air of spring training also showed Lugo's personal people skills when after eating almost a gallon of beans and raisins, he was unable to say excuse me once even after the clubhouse was evacuated and the EPA had to be called in to clear it up.
"I love raisins and beans."
Lugo ended the day by driving his car onto the field after he failed to notice the exit sign. The damaged caused got everyone talking to themselves how much change Lugo will bring to the team.
"When I asked for nine million a year, I was just...joking around but Theo wasn't. Ha!"
Afterwards, the team looked at a flatulance attack, bruised knees, missing bats and balls and a large fire that burned most of the stadium down where Lugo polished his shoes using grain alcohol and a flame thrower, everyone wondered what the future will bring with the Red Sox.
"I love...joking around, "said Julio.
Somehow nobody felt like it was a joke anymore.
I'm Don Orsello.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Last night was fun

To me a baseball game is won and I feel happy, but a baseball game won with precision is something to behold. Last night's win against the Toronto Blue Jays involved no errors, no misplays, and solid pitching. The Sox did great and most of all, it was nice to see baseball back in Boston.
When I grew up, errors were uncommon, the fundamentals were paramount and base stealing was required learning. Nothing frustrates me more than fundamental baseball mistakes. I suppose I can see why many don't like the D.H. rule. In the National league you have to do fundamental baseball considering you have an automatic out in the pitcher. You have to steal and bunt and manufacture runs. In the American league, you have to hit for power, pitch your heart out, and hit for power some more. A line up with nine Manny Ramirez's is the American league. A lineup with nine people who can run, hit, bunt, steal, and commit no errors may be more National league.
Last night the Sox won it on solid defense, great pitching and fundamental baseball including their trademark ability to force walks from pitchers. Last night was great to see.

p.s. I will always be a Red Sox fan but my heart is still with Yastremski and Fisk and Lynn and Rice and Burleson and Griffen and Harper and Cooper and Wise and Drago along with so many others that no longer play the game. Heck I'm still a fan of Rose and Bench and the big Red Machine. Most of those names may mean nothing to today's young fans but they mean everything to a kid from Fall River looking for heroes and escape from daily life.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Theo Epstein jumps off a cliff.

Theo Epstein had a long meeting with John Henry. Theo knew it was a long meeting since John told him to jump off a cliff. Theo wanted to please his boss. When he got home he sat down and picked up the phone. He called the airline.
"Hello, I need to book a flight to jump off a cliff. What flights do you have available?"
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
Theo put the phone down.
"They must be very busy. I'll try the next airline."
"Hello, I need to book a flight to jump off a cliff. What flights...hello?"
Theo put the phone down.
"I must be doing the wrong approach. All the airlines seem very busy."
"Hello."
"Hello, I need to book a train to jump off a cliff. What...hello?"
Theo sighed. Normally his mind starred at the television but then a thought came to him.
He picked up the phone.
"Hello, I need to book a flight to California to jump off a cliff?'
"What?"
"What part of California...what has a lot of cliffs?"
"hello?"
"Hmm, "sighed Theo. "Nobody seems to have anything available. "
Theo picked up the phone.
"Hello...oh its you. What is it Theo?" snapped John Henry.
"I can't find anything so that I can jump off a cliff. Do you have any recommendations?"
John was heard sighing on the phone.
"Theo, have you seen the Lock Ness Monster again?"
"No!"
"Well, we're making progress here. Listen, what are we talking about...no wait! Don't say anything. Just stop what you're doing and go to bed. Go to bed now and don't wake up till morning."
"OK."
Theo put down the phone.
"Sometimes John acts very strangely. Perhaps he needs so psychiatric help. I worry about him. "
Theo then put the phone down, opened his dresser drawer, fell into the dresser drawer, put his head on the alarm clock and went to sleep.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Last Night's game

For those of you who tuned in, you witnessed the sad and sorrowful decay of the Red Sox. Yes they one...but its not about winning, its about having a winning team and this team is not one that can win.

The question was not when the Sox were going to commit an error, the question was why didn't the Sox commit an error as a team. Its happened so often I've come to expect it.

The question was not why Beckett was struggling, but the question is can Beckett ever recover again?

The question was not why Varitek was hitting so well, the question became why he's only catching every fifth day.

The question is not why Okijama is overworked, the question is why the Sox don't see that as an issue.

The question is not why Manny Delcarman was so good, the question is why most of the bullpen is just so bad. Delcarman is back to his old form and can be a closer in his own right. I've always believed that about him.

In conclusion the Sox have a lot of talent to work with but seem to lack the staff to develop it. I don't know. Clay should be a much better pitcher than he is even now. Manny Delcarman should be a closer. He can do it easily if he just believes in himself. Beltre should not be making little league errors. Martinez should be throwing out runners and playing catcher as a pro. Whatever happened to fundamentals anyway? Whatever happened to 2007. For all its payroll, money can't buy World Series. Those have to be earned.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Theo Epstein's day...Part II

Two and a half hours later Theo found Fenway park. It's really hard for him to find the park. Those green walls block his view of the city and prevented him from looking for the green walls that are Fenway Park.
Theo finally drove to the front gate. The guard stopped him.
"Morning Mr. Epstein."
Theo looked at the clock.
"I'm late. It's 2:30 am."
The guard chuckled and said, "Theo you have to tell the clock what time it is and it an't 4:30 am."
Theo looked at the guard and said, "the clock tells me what time it is. Why have a clock if I have to tell it what time it is."
The guard nodded and said, "You know there is a certain logic to what you say and that's what worries me."
The guard opened the gate.
"Can you turn off those stupid harzard warning lights Theo. They hurt my eyes!"
Theo ignored what he said and found a spot. He wanted to get out of his car but the seatbelt was locked in place.
"Why don't they make a way to get out of a seatbelt!"
Theo then heard a thump on the door. He waved and opened the door. The guard came in and unlocked Theo's seatbelt.
"Thank you, "said Theo.
"Do you have a drivers license Mr. Epstein."
"Only to drive, "said Theo.
The guard paused and then smiled and waved him goodbye.
Theo walked into the building and then upstairs to his office. He knocked on the door. Nobody answered.
Theo knocked on the door again.
"hello!"
He then sighed and said, "Theo Epstein is not in there so I must go in there so Theo can be in the room. That is logical."
Theo opened the door and walked to the desk and sat on the desk. He logged into his computer on the chair. He wanted chairs (his desk) to be smaller and desks (his chair) to be larger. It was beyond him to figure it all out.
"Hello."
The phone rang. Theo picked up the receiver and put it back down again.
"Why do they make office phones that make noisy rings. Only my house phone should do that. Office phones can't!"
John Henry walked in.
"Theo...why didn't you answer the phone!"
Theo looked up and said, "it didn't ask me a question. How can I answer it?"
John smiled a nervous smile and backed into the hallway.
"Bye!"
"Bye!
Theo heard the phone ring again. He picked it up and felt the urge to answer this time.
"I am the key, "said the strange voice on the phone.
"I am the lock, "said Theo Epstein.
"You have done well Theo. I couldn't have predicted that you could properly destroy a team so quickly in two years. Had I known you were this stupid I would have just let you do your
thing."
"I am the lock, "said Theo Epstein.
"You need next get Jonathan Van Every. He will be your new outfielder. "
"I am the lock."
A sigh was heard on the phone.
"Get Jonathan #$#$ Every for your team!"
Theo nodded to the phone and said, "I am the lock."
The man hung up.
"Have a good day Mr. Steinbrenner, "said Theo.
Theo then looked at his computer.
"We should get Jonathan Van Every. That seems like a stupid move. "
Theo looked at the wall. Theo then fell on the desk and fell asleep. Such was the long day of Theo Epstein.

The morning of Theo Epstein

It was 4:00 am. Theo knew that because he couldn't sleep on the alarm clock any more. He knew that alarm clocks were a way of keeping you from sleeping too long when you used them as a pillow, but he wondered why they were called alarm clocks. His head hurt.
He yawned and got out from the dresser drawer closing the drawer to the dresser.
"Oh I love my bunk bed."
The bed was there where he laid out his clothes.
"The bed should be called a dresser. This whole world is mad. I like Julio Lugo. I'm sorry John Henry told me to trade him away before he killed me with a chainsaw. John has a bad temper."
He put on his shoes first struggling to get his pants on. Theo cursed.
"Why can't they make pants that are easier to put on once you get on your shoes. "
Theo then put on his Spongebob underwear.
Theo then put on his shirt and walked into the shower. He washed himself and his clothes properly and then spent the next hour using a blow dryer to dry his clothes.
"Someday they'll invent a way to wash your clothes besides the shower, "said Theo who had burns all over his skin. Why does everyone say I smell anyway?"
He then walked into the kitchen. He looked around.
"I'm hungry!"
Theo got some milk from the fridge and poured it into a pan. He started to drink it.
"Why do they make glasses so hard to drink from! Now I'll have to wash my clothes again. Oh yes, they have a washing machine for clothes in the kitchen."
Theo put his shirt and underwear and pants into the dishwasher. He ran it standing naked in the kitchen.
He then felt hungry in his stomach. He went to the fridge and got out a frozen waffle.
"Why can't we use a freezer for storing something other than ice, "said Theo pondering the dilemma.
He put the waffle on the stove and burned it with the burner. When it was black enough he took out the cutting board and put the waffle on the cutting board.
"Why can't they make plates out of ceramic, "snapped Theo.
He poured maple syrup on the board and then soaked the waffle in the syrup.
The phone rang.
Theo looked at the number on caller ID. After the ringing stopped he called the number.
"Hi John. What's up!"
Theo could have just answered the phone but he didn't know that feature was available.
"I can't sleep. This team is terrible. Can't you do something?"
Theo pondered. He said, "I'll see you at the meeting. It's very hard to talk while I'm eating my waffle and washing my clothes in the kitchen.
Theo hung up.
The phone rang.
"Hello."
"Hello, you have inherited twenty million dollars and all you need to do is give me one thousand dollars..."
"Can I just give you my credit card instead."
"Ah....OK!"
"Give me your address and I'll mail it to you."
"You can just give me your number."
"It's 555.2847."
"No your credit card number."
"My credit card doesn't have a phone number."
"The number on your CREDIT card."
"What number."
"Never mind. You're even too dumb for a scam. It's like your Theo Epstein!"
Theo hung up.
He then used the cutting knife to eat the waffle.
"Why can't they make something other than a knife for eating?"
Theo heard his cell phone ring. He pulled it out of the microwave oven. He picked it up and looked at the number. He waited and then dialed the number.
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
Theo never figured out how to take the phone out of mute mode. He sighed.
"Hello?"
Theo then put the phone into the microwave again.
"Why do we have to have such a big tool to store cell phones in!"
Theo got his clothes out of the dishwasher and put them on. They were still filled with moisture. He was growing mould on his shirt.
"Hey...I could put my clothes in the washer in the kitchen instead of using the shower...but then why have a shower? I'm confused. My head hurts again. I don't like it when my head hurts again. I'm thinking too much."
Theo sighed. Theo walked outside to his car. He slid the key in the door lock. The car alarm blarred waking up the neighborhood.
"Good morning car, "shouted Theo. Theo thought the car alarm was a good morning call for the car. He was very polite to his car.
He stepped into his car and turned the engine on. The alarm finally went off after a brick cracked his windshield. He put his seatbelt on over the passenger car seat.
"I like to protect the passenger car seat from accidents."
He turned the warning flashers on and then started honking the horn. Theo then turned the lights of his car on and off. He turned the wipers on and off. He looked around and honked the horn again.
"Getting a card to go into reverse is too complicated. My head hurts. "
He put the car in reverse to back it out of the driveway running over his trashbags. He made it into the street.
"People are such slobs!' cursed Theo.
He drove off to work. Trash rolled over on the pavement. His lights kept going on and off because he had the emergency harzard lights on.
To be continued....

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Remembering Tim Wakefield

Relegating Tim Wakefield to the bullpen essentially ends his opportunity to win 200 games and ends his starting pitching career. I don't see Tim returning next year. I wouldn't. It was a goal of 200 wins that Tim wanted and the bitter walk from the mound displayed his anger. I don't blame him for feeling bitter but there is no good vs. evil.
Tim Wakefield was pushed out because of youth. Beckett, Lester and Lackey are nailed into the lineup leaving two final starters. Clay has proven himself and certainly deserves a chance. Dice-K is the one that angers me. Yes he has to go back. The Sox have too much money invested in this cash vacuum cleaner. Dice-K can act like a glorified excuse for a pitcher that fails to deliver time after time with immaturity and arrogance. Its a shame that Tim will never reach that goal. He damn well deserved it.
So many have argued that Tim doesn't have it anymore. A knuckleball is an old school pitch that doesn't impressed like a fastball. Tim is quiet and doesn't promote himself. He doesn't brag and inflate his ego and he certainly doesn't command a huge paycheck. Even when he was invited to the All Star game he didn't pitch.
Tim will be remembered, with me, for a great gentleman who got robbed because of factors beyond his control. The Sox did everything they could to help him lose this game and they succeeded ending a career of a great starting pitcher on a lousy note.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Billy Stein...umpire

Billy Stein did not consider being an umpire a life long dream. It was more of the fact that he had torn up his left leg in a car accident that gave him an umpire job. Before that he was whipping fast balls at you at 98 mph. That was before the accident. Now he was doing balls and strikes as the new Major league umpire. No more crappy life in the minors. It was a dream. He could still travel and be part of the team.

Week 1: Billy Stein : weight 180. Height 6 feet.

Billy called strike three. David Ortiz gave him a nasty look, spewed threats and walked off breaking the bat. Billy shrugged it off but thought "man minor league players don't act like they're gods."
An inning later when David struck out, David threw the bat down and said the universal curse to Billy.
Billy threw his arm up into the arm to throw David out of the game.
Then came Terry Francona and then came David and suddenly Billy didn't feel like umpiring was all that glamorous.
(later)
Billy had never eaten junk food before today but he felt like it was time. Actually he had eaten junk food before but never for emotional distress. He got a small chocolate bar...actually seven. He swore only one but when the chocolate struck his throat and savoured his mouth with the sweet delicious taste of sugar and fat, mixed with whole milk...he felt better.

Week 2: Billy Stein : weight 185. Height 6 feet.

Billy was at a Yankees game when A-Rod swore at him about the call third strike. Billy hesitated and shrugged it off. A-Rod came back for more and Billy threw him out of the game. The manager came out and it was practically a fist fight...actually it was.
(Later)
Billy ordered from McDonalds. He had never done that before and got a Big Mac with fries and a shake. He got the apple pie too. His stomach hurt from the meal but he absorbed the pain and fell asleep.

Week 3: Billy Stein : weight 190. Height 6 feet.

Billy saw the button snap off from his pants as he walked on the field. It struck A-Rod on the foot.
"Man you OK?"
"Fine...bastard, "said Billy under his lips.
Once again it was strike three but Billy didn't care. He was sick of the stupid hitters whining at him. He called "ball three." That would shut A-Rod up. Of course getting a curse from the catcher and then from the pitcher didn't help. Billy saw the catcher get up and curse him. Billy had to wave his arm up. He would fix it later. Kentucky Fried Chicken was open all night.
(later)
Billy sat in his room with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, mashed potatoes and a half gallon of ice cream. He devoured the chicken and potatoes and ice cream. He fell back. Somehow his stomach didn't hurt as much. Yes, he could just get to sleep.

Week 4: Billy Stein : weight 198. Height 6 feet.

Billy could carry his weight well but the pants were more an effort but he could do it. He got a newer pair from the umpire store. They specialized with those hard to fit clothes for busy umpires. He walked out on the field. Somehow the strike zone felt confusing to him. Perhaps it was the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast this morning. It was a grand slam all right.
"Strike!"
Lugo got his bat up and cursed Billy. Billy had had enough. The four eggs with hashbrowns and bacon was upsetting his stomach. Billy screamed at Lugo to shut up and then threw Lugo out of the game. He then threw his mask on the ground and threw the manager out just because. He felt better.
(Later)
Billy fell on the bed. He had never eaten a Wendy's value meal before with three chocolate bars and a bowl or two of ice cream but it felt better,.

Week 5: Billy Stein : weight 220. Height 6 feet.

The weight was coming on faster now. Fortunately he was in the weight bracket for the Umpire Store's value discount. He walked on the field. The shafing of his legs was frustrating him. He saw David Ortiz. How he wanted to throw out Papi. The rude, insensitive twirp.
"Ball!"
David walked but the manager came out from the Yankees and started screaming at Billy. Billy felt a headache coming on. He looked away until Girardi pushed him getting him ejected from the game.
"You piece of #$#$ " screamed the manager. Billy threw his mask on the ground and swore as well. Girardi charged back...
(later)
Billy had never eaten fifteen types of candy bars along with three soft drinks and some milk shakes but oh how it felt so good. That would stop the swearing he heard today.

Week 6: Billy Stein : weight 250. Height 6 feet.

Somehow walking on the field was getting harder. It was more like a wobble than a walk. Sweat poured down his spine as he made it...barely to home plate. He knelt down but the fat from his belly was getting in the way. He stood up.
"Strike"
He knew it was outside. He had a reputation now of throwing people out of the game and often screaming his head off like a raving madman. He was becoming feared for his irrationality rather than his smarts.
"Ball."
Billy was over the plate now. Sadly both sides were frustrated with him but it was an even cause. He had annoyed both sides.
"Foul."
Billy loved foul balls. That didn't involve him getting involved in the game.
"Check swing."
The usually calm Mike Lowell threw his bat into the air. Billy tried to duck but his larger body size forced him to absorb the impact. That would hurt.
"You OK?" asked Mike looking over him.
"Hu?"
(later)
Billy had never had a heart condition before but he didn't care. Ya, the Cracker Barrell butter plate would make him forget his woes. Ah that with the special King Size Cracker Barrell chocolate bar would make it all go away.
Week 7: Billy Stein : weight 300. Height 6 feet.
Billy now had to fully wobble on the field. It was sort of step, breath, step, breath. He called it his dance. He made it to the catcher's box. Somehow that catcher seemed so far away from his face now. He couldn't bend down anymore. He was afraid he'd fall right on top of the catcher if he did that.
"ah...strike."
Somehow there was little force in that statement. It was getting harder to concentrate so his strike zone became kind of random. He was starting to take wild guesses. A passed ball from the catcher was a wild pitch because he couldn't see the ball anymore. All he could see was those delicious Cadberry Chocolate caramel bars with a double chocolate ice cream float. Mmmm..
"strike ball"
"What the...?"
Billy was of course unaware of calling the pitch two different ways so he swung his arm and threw the catcher out for swearing. He didn't swear of course but Billy had more important matters on his mind. He then called third strike on the batter even though the count was 2 and 2.
Now both benches ran on the field in protest. Billy waved his arms around throwing people out for whatever reason. He couldn't take the mask off his face now. His arms wouldn't reach it.
(later)
Billy had never had a McDonald's dinner for twelve but tonight he would. He savored all the food as it fell into his mouth. Mmmmmmm...this was the life and the umpire union protected him.
Week 8: Billy Stein : weight 400. Height 6 feet.
Billy wobbled out sending minor tremors through the ground. Both sides just starred at Billy as he used his legs to force his way to home plate. A row of jaws dropped in unison as Billy found his way to home plate. He had his mask already on...that special size for those hard to fit people.
"play...ball."
Billy then slurped his slurpie and downed a chocolate bar that slowly dripped on Jason Varitek's shoulder.
"Big mac!"
Jason turned around as Billy was now devouring a Big Mac in front of him with sauce dripping down his face.
"What in hell."
Billy tried to eject Jason but his arm couldn't quite reach high enough.
"ball!"
"We haven't even started yet."
Billy nodded away and took guesses at the strike zone. He was now a full fledged umpire living out his dream of endless eating.

Epstein Reboots team!

John Henry, President of the Red Sox and currently at the Boston Center for the mentally insane had no comment when Theo Epstein dismantled the entire Red Sox organization in what he calls "a moment of genius" and rebooted the organization. Theo Epstein took the idea from the new Spiderman film.
"They fired Toby McGuire and everyone and started with a new cast and I thought...why not the Red Sox! After all why can't you just reboot the Red Sox. I never cease to amaze myself. "

Theo, who is known for making horrific moves that cripple teams talked about the new lineup.

"Carlton Fisk is a bit out of shape but Fisk is our catcher. We need his leadership from the 1975 World Series team and are confident in his abilities to handle our pitching staff at age 63."
Carlton who ruptured a spleen and was sent to Mass General after getting hit in the gut with a foul ball says he was confused about the idea. "I figured it was a charity thing or something but you know...Theo's kind of insane...anyway I have to worry about my health now."
Eric Gagne, who signed a five year contract was excited about playing first base and has only made 19 errors in 3 games. Julio Lugo will resume shortstop (121 errors in one game) and Bill Buckner will pitch.
"It will give me a chance to redeem myself and the idea of a two million dollar contract to basically get injured was something I couldn't pass up. Anyway, I got to sign papers now. I'm on the D.L."
Other fan favorites include Rob Reiner of All In the Family fame.
"I really liked Rob directing movies and I thought he can easily play left field with those abilities. "
Nobody understand what Theo meant especially since Rob broke his back trying to catch a line drive. He is resting comfortably and suing Theo Epstein.
"I also like the idea of Leonard Nimoy playing third base. As Mr. Spock he has a much longer lifespan than humans and should be OK with the position."
Nimoy, who suffered a concussion from the first line drive was not available for comment.
Other ones include a man named Iceman who was a hitman for the Mafia. Iceman just got released from prison and while not executing enemies (several New York Yankee players remain missing) is really enjoying his new role as second baseman.
"Sebastia was the easiest. Gotta love Twinkies but A-Rod can run but you know with...hey are you taping this?"
Theo Epstein said manager Dick Cheney, who suffered a heart attack during the game was probably not a good idea and will go with William Shatner of Price Line fame. Shatner took the money and ran wished the Sox well.
So far the Sox are 0 and 110 but Theo says good times are ahead.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Joe Derive and wins

Hi everyone. I'm Joe Derive and this is baseball...Red Sox baseball that is!

Last night's contest was a fan's dream come true. It was an odd reminder of the intensity and excitement a group of people can generate when the conditions are right.

Tito Francona wasn't thinking of the season but of the game and made decisions that were counter intuitive to his 'long-term' plan. For one, he used Mike Lowell in place of David Ortiz. For another, he moved around the lineup and no doubt let everyone know how he felt about the Sox as of late. Tito may be a nice guy but he knows how to lose his temper like Earl Weaver when the timing is right.

The Sox finally brought in some talent from the farm and boy did these guys spark some life into the group. What was looking like an apathetic group of players became the old school sandlot baseball game where heroes are not free agents, they are simply people that want to win a game and will do whatever it takes to do it.

It is often said that the key ingredient to winning a World Series are the free agents and muscle that define the team. I say not. The Yankees feel privileged and entitled to another World Series. The Red Sox, at least last night, just wanted to win. The team that plays the best is the team that wins, not the team that has the most free agents and biggest payroll.

I remember in 2007, before the removal of Manny Ramirez how the Sox played the game. Ramirez's attitude tore the team apart. When he left, the Sox begame a team to be reckoned with and a team with attitude. That team was the one I saw last night and the first time I had seen it since the beginning of the season. For once the Sox were a team.

Baseball to me has become a game of showcasing talent and those who have the most talent win the game. That's not baseball to me. Baseball is a team where heart and spirit and drive define the game. We wanted to watch baseball because we wanted drama and energy and a group of guys that justify the cost to get into the stadium of bread and circuses.

The days of guys with heart seem long gone but the glimmer and shine are not found in the Major league level. They are found in the farm system when the player first comes up and sees his future and is hungry for it. This is the arena where talent is showcased and for moments at a time we feel like baseball is the most exciting game in the world.

I'm Joe Derive.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Tank goes boom

Dustin Pedroia and David Ortiz were the only two people on the field after the disaster that was the Patriot day game.
"What's that tank doing there?" asked David.
Dustin looked over and saw the large M1 Abrams tank starring at the green monster.
"Don't you remember. Something about Patriots day or something. Army's coming by in a couple of hours to pick it up."
David nodded but then a glitter of a smile fell on his face.
"Hey Dustin."
"Ya."
"Let's look inside, "said David.
Dustin shook his head and said, "ah...that's military hardware."
"Come on, they didn't load it up. We're fine."
Dustin let a small smile flicker on his face before hiding it. David was already running to the tank. Dustin tried to wave him off but then followed.
The two arrived at the tank starring at its frightening fire power. David was already climbing up falling into the tank.
Dustin looked down.
"You OK in there?"
"Hey its cool."
The engine rumble distracted Dustin's resolve.
"What are you doing?"
"Big Papi now have fun!"
"Big Papi an idiot, get out of there!"
David ignored Dustin's pleas and Dustin didn't help by falling into the tank. Dustin looked around. Cramped but seriously cool.
The tank moved forward.
"David, shut the engine off.!"
David nodded but the tank moved forward.
"Oh crap, "snapped Dustin. Dustin tried to look around and accidentally pressed a button. A large explosion smashed his hearing. He was knocked against the circuit board and again a large explosion went off.
"Relax, "said David. "The army not gonna put in real ammunition. That would be stupid."
Dustin started to giggle like a kid as the tank rolled around in circles. He couldn't help himself. it was a boy toy. He began pressing the fire button over and over again and David joined in as the two were roaring with enjoyment.
"This is so cool!"
"Hey Dustin, let's see how fast this thing can go!"
Dustin didn't wait for his turn. He smashed his foot on the pedal and the tank took off. They were knocked against the wall of the tank before the tank struck something and slowed down but was still roaring along.
Dustin and David were on the floor laughing and it would have been such a good time but the tank stopped. Dustin pressed the fire button again and again until just the button sound was heard.
"oh this is so cool...but I think we ran out of ammunition, "said Dustin with tears in his eyes.
"Hey, I think it ran out of gas."
"Oh ya, "said Dustin.
The two stretched as Dustin looked out the turret.
His eyes glazed over and all laughter went from his face.
"Ah...David..."
"Ya..."
"Is the green monster supposed to be on fire?"
David stuck his head out as well. The entire green monster was ablaze with a large hole in the center of the wall. David looked ahead as the Red Sox dugout was completely smashed. The seats were on fire in the stadium with large holes in the roof.
"oh we are so dead."
David nodded and said, "I think the stadium is on fire."
David and Dustin looked up to see helicopters sputtering overhead dropping tons of water on the park.
Dustin said, "let's get out of here...now!"
The two bolted out of the tank and headed out of the park as quick as possible. Fenway park in the meantime began to slowly burn to the ground.
"This was your stupid idea, "shouted Dustin.
"Big Papi make big mess, "cried David.
"I told you it was live ammunition."
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Nu hu"
"Ya hu!" snapped Dustin and the two ran way while Fenway burned to the ground.
"Oh man they'll never sign my contract extension now, "snapped David as the two became shadows in the distance.

Monday, April 19, 2010

No Witchcraft!

Time Wakefield, Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and David Ortiz sat in the front row for the inspirational speaker that walked in the room. With a 4 and 9 record, the Sox needed some help.
"Hey Theo!"
"Hey Tim, "said Theo Epstein the general manager of the Sox. "I'd like to introduce Pat Robertson."
Pat sat down and starred at the crowd.
"Witchcraft as practiced by the Boston Red Sox along with flagrant satan worship, as displayed by your team color, is why your failing at your game..."
Pat continued on but Mike Lowell turned to Tim.
"Is he saying we're practicing witchcraft?"
Tim nodded, as if a bit unsure and said, "you mean like the T.V. series Bewitched?"
David shook his head. Tim picked up the queue.
"It's an old series where Samantha, a witch, was dominated by her sexist husband who felt that it was OK for her to be a subservient slave in his household but not express herself through witchcraft."
David nodded feeling confused.
Mike said, "does that mean that Samantha was gay because I heard that witchcraft leads to homosexual behavior."
Tim squinted with his eyes and said, "ah...it's a TV show...you know."
Jason strung in and said, "that was so yesterday. Charmed is where its at and Shanon Dorothy was seriously hot."
David nodded in and said, "Big Poppi would have a good time in her room."
Tim shook his head and said, "First of all Shannon Dorothy is nothing compared to Holly Combs and second of all..."
"Second of all, "snapped Jason. "Alyssa Milano is so much hotter than the two combined."
Mike shook his head and said, "ya but Elizabeth Montgomery wasn't exactly a loser either."
Tim shook his head. "She was so subservient. She was a slave to Darin's male dominated role. What's so wrong about practicing witchcraft because the bone head had no problem using it when he was in trouble!"
David nodded and said, "ya and when Shannon..."
"We got it, "snapped Mike. "You have wet dreams over Shannon Dorothy now shut up will ya because I'm still having a fantasy about Rose McGowan. Oh man this is good."
Tim shook his head.
"Is that all you guys can think about is sex when we're dying as a team."
David nodded with a big yes on his face.
Mike agreed.
Jason nodded as well.
Tim sighed and said, "whatever."

Friday, April 16, 2010

One more year.

The rain drained the life of the four who stood against the card table tossing away time in the midst of a rain delay. Jason kept starring at Victor Martinez between hands.
"Fold, " said Mike.
"Hey Jason, come on, show your cards."
Jason came up empty tossing the cards down like driftwood.
David tossed his cards down as well. A full house.
Tim tossed his cards down littering the table. David took the chips and let the small monument of winnings pile up against his chest.
"Might even call the game. Who can play in this weather, "whispered Mike.
"Doug always knew what to say, "said Tim leaning against the chair. Doug Mirabelli was the old catcher of Tim Wakefield. Whatever you said about Doug, he could make anyone laugh.
"Hard to give up, "said Mike starring at the crew lounging around. He used to do it as well but that was another time.
"What was your best moment Mikey, " asked Jason.
Mike sat back and said, "2007 MVP. What about you Tim?"
Tim leaned back and said, "2009, a near no hiter. That was good...what about you David?"
David leaned back and said, "David Letterman. I like TV. Shows my good side."
The straight face and smug attitude made everyone laugh including Jason.
"Oh man, I think my favorite moment was when Schilling missed a no hitter by one out."
Mike leaned forward and said, "are you serious?"
Jason laughed and said, "hey I told him not to call a fastball!"
The laughter was reflective. Schilling came within one out of a no-hitter and turned down Jason's request of a slider. The rest is history.
"Oh man, is this what it's going to be like? "
The question from Jason paused the voices around the table. Sighs ripped through the table.
"Downhill from here, "smirked Mikey. Pretty soon I'll be doing beer ads."
"I'd like to open up a research facility, "said Tim Wakefield. "Maybe cure cancer or something or maybe hair loss. I'm not sure what's more important."
Jason spit out the coke he was drinking. It sprayed on everyone.
"Oh man I will miss this, "said Mike.
David sighed and said, "we all will. All of us right Tim."
Tim nodded knowing his days were numbered.
"We have a hell of a lot of memories, "said Jason. "Two World Series rings and you getting your uniform out of Yankee Stadium.
David chuckled and said, "I gave them luck. They win the world series a year later. "
"I never should have signed that contract, "snapped Mike. "Theo caught me at the right time and frankly, right now, I just want to give it up. I can't take being on the bench. I hate it."
It sucked the air out of the room.
"We have now Mikey. We have now."
Jason turned his head at Victor Martinez. One more year he told himself...one more year.

Lugo is at it again

Ever wondered what happened to Julio Lugo when he left the Cardinals?

Tony LaRussa, the infamous manager of the Cardinals took a call one day that would change his life. The trade for Julio Lugo was giving him migranes. This guy proved once and for all that Theo Epstein was a complete idiot...not that he would ever say it.
"Ya."
"Baltimore Orioles."
"What?"
A pause. Tony thought about it. Somehow he felt flowers rise from the ground and the air...yes the air felt fresh and sweet.
"Lugo...ya...ah...he's great!"
"What...that guy eats s--t for breakfast."
Tony practically threw a hand grenade at Chris Carpenter, a pitcher for the team.
"What...no we were talking about the food around here...bad...really bad."
A pause. Perhaps Tony could save the call.
"Oh ya, I would...stake my reputation on...Lugo. Ya, he's great."
Tony suddenly felt nausea flow over his brain.
"No, he's great. I mean the team is of course really sad to see him go but.."
A pause. Cheering rang in the background.
"No, no, it was just we learned of...ah...undiscovered papers of Thomas Jefferson...everyone here is a big history fan...and all."
A pause.
"Ya, you will...LOVE him. Ya, I'm just so...sad to see him go but...please...don't let my feelings get in the way. This is baseball."
A pause. The cheering stopped. The entire team was huddled around Tony.
"OK, OK...ya...I'll let management know. Lugo will be so sad to leave."
The phone hung up. Tony hugged the players.
"Gentlemen, we have rid ourselves of Lugo."
Julio walked in. The uniform was on fire. He waved it around trying to stop the fire.
"LUGO!!!!" shouted Tony.
"Man guys, portable stoves and open containers of gasoline sure don't mix. "
Tony let the pencil he had in his hand fall gently on the carpet.
"Lugo...is the clubhouse on fire?"
"Don't worry boss, I'll save my uniform but I tell ya, I ain't going in there to get the oxygen tank out. It's too dangerous."
Smoke and fire filled the clubhouse.
"EACH MAN FOR HIMSELF!"

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Bad Idea Jeans ...Red Sox edition

The basketball court was filled with life. The Red Sox players and management, all sporting their "Bad Idea" jeans.
"Hey guys."
"Hey Dustin."
"Hey guys, I signed on to do a sitcom about the town I grew up in. It's really funny but it does get a bit nasty about the people of my town but heck they have a sense of humor about these things."

(BAD IDEA)

"Hey Theo"
"Hey guys"
"I decided to keep Mike Lowell benched and have David Ortiz DH. Best idea since I signed Julio Lugo!"

(BAD IDEA)

"I decided guys to tell everyone I'm gay. I mean it shouldn't be a problem. The world is pretty open minded especially Bostonians, " said Julio Lugo.

(BAD IDEA)

"Big Papi decided its time to change my swing to a whole different level. That shouldn't affect my average too much."

(BAD IDEA)

"I think I'm going to add the change up along with the fastball and slider and splitter and curveball and split fingered fastball. I figure the more pitches I add, I can get away with throwing them all like crap", said Papelbon.

(BAD IDEA)

"Hey Drew.'
"You know, everyone said I have no sense of humor and am boring, but I've decided to tell jokes like why did the baseball player cross the road..."
"To get to the ballpark. I mean...I can't stop laughing. Watch out world. Here comes Drew with a sense of humor."

(REALLY BAD IDEA)

"I decided to tell everyone that I took steroids and am a total ass. ", smiled Manny Ramirez

(GOOD IDEA)

But when you have a bad idea, there are "Bad Idea" jeans.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Joe Derive and Theo Epstein

Hey Red Sox fans,

OK, nothing to cheer about but there is hope for the future. Recently, I interviewed Theo Epstein and got the inside scoop on the Red Sox and then had a few drinks afterwards.

"Theo, there is lots of talk on what happened with Julio Lugo."

"Well, we felt we had a great shortstop that just failed to perform up to expectations. Julio certainly gave his all and we're sorry that it didn't work out for us which sometimes is a pattern that we have to come to terms with."

(Translation: Lugo sucked no matter how hard he tried, and we're still paying him. Boy did I mess that up...again)

"Many are certainly questioning David Ortiz and his role in the Red Sox uniform. What is his future?"

"It's far too eary to answer that question. David is exhibiting great struggles at the plate but the Red Sox are fully behind him. David's role reflects our role so we want him to succeed. "

(Translation: David's time is over, and he sucks as much as I do right now and he's making me look bad but how hard is that."

"Mike Lowell has given so much to this organization and its so hard to see him struggle the way he has. Is there a role for Mike."

"Unfortunately, Mikey has not succeeded the way we hoped and I just can't see a future role for him in this organization but Mike is certainly capable of retiring in a Red Sox uniform and we will miss him. Our main concern right now is finding someone as D.H. if David fails to live up to his end of the bargain."

(Translation: I'm too stupid to see Mikey as the next D.H. and would rather see him retire and do nothing than give him a chance to succeed."

"What are plans for Dice-K and how dissapointed were you when he failed to pitch the entire season.'

"Our organization strives to get the best 25 players on the field. Sometimes that doesn't always work out that way. It's so easy to explore a few minor descrepencies and overlook two world championships and certainly Dice-K fits into that mix.

(Translation: Have mercy on me. I know I suck and make really stupid decisions and I should be fired, but that's not my problem...oh ya, we were talking about Dice-K."

"Do you guys keep up with players like Justin Masterson and Victor Martinez or Jason bay who have moved on to other teams and makde great carreers for themselves."

"We are certainly happy for the contributions that these players have given to the Red Sox organization. Sadly we were unable to keep them despite their great talents and that is always an unfortunate situation in the world of baseball where the Red Sox has only so much room and money for this talent. It's certainly not my fault that these people were unable to stay but consider Eric Gagne. We offered him a contract and he turned it down."

(Translation: I don't even realize the fact that these players are superstars and am much more content to talk about Eric Gagne who was about the biggest disaster in the history of my stay but what do I know. I'm still trying to get the air out of my brain so I can think again."

Whew, anyway you wonder why the Sox are struggling right?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Law and Order meets Boston

My wife and I have become big fans of Law and Order, S.V.U. One of the characters played by B.D. Wong is a psychologist who also works for the F.B.I. It's a totally absurd idea that is ripe for satire so Tracy...this is for you.

The Red Sox were playing in New York with Dustin Pedroia saw the room next to his become a horrific murder scene. Fortunately the Special Victim's Unit was on the job.

"Detective Munch, what do we have here?"
"Captain, the body was found by Dustin Pedroia, a Red Sox superstar. We have a woman in her 30's with multiple stab wounds. Problem is we have a low grade atomic weapon next to her. I've got a call to the bomb squad but they say we're looking at least one hour..."
"Don't bother, doesn't our psychologist Wong have a PH.D. in Physics."
"Damn, I forgot that. "
(LATER...Dr. Wong enters...)
"No question, it's a low grade fission bomb. I've had to learn about these for my graduate thesis but you people have another problem."
"What's that, "asked the captain.
"These fossils. The killer obviously has a hobby in paleontology and we need to identify them and that may help us find the killer."
Munch interjected and said, "you have a doctrine in Paleontology from Stanford right?"
"Well, I can identify them but stuff like this walks into F.B.I. territory."
"Well, aren't you F.B.I. Wong?"
"Oh, ya, I forgot. OK, I'll get right on it!"
(Later...)
"OK, I got the FBI data back. Looks like a group of serial killer scientists. The cult originated in..."
"Let me guess, " snapped Munch. "Cleveland right?"
"Unfortunately yes but it gets worse!"
"How so?"
"Well, the murder was done with too much precision. It looks like a kidney specialist might have been involved based on the damage to the kidneys."
"Well, you're a kidney surgeon Wong, have you narrowed it down?"
"Oh I got the killer. He made one mistake which was to forget that NYPD has a trained psychologist, paleontologist, anthropologist, kidney specialist, physicist and chemist along with an FBI agent all in one person."
"What is this TV?" snapped the captain.

"So, Dr. Wong, you identified the bomb as a low grade fission device, is that correct!"
"Yes, I checked the F.B.I. database and found the connection with the paleontologist, who, as I found out, specialized in the Eocene era which of course is post Mezozoic. He was very interesteed in the creodont species..."
"Objection, this is a psychologist, not a paleontologist."
"Your honor, let me present into evidence Dr. Wong, Paleontologist with a specialty in the Paleocene era."
The judge looks at the credentials.
"Looks good to me."
"Dr. Wong, you also found evidence of various chemical weapons on site!"
"Yes..."
"Objection, he is not a chemist."
"Your honor, let me present to you the credentials of Dr. Wong from Standard who has a Ph.d in chemistry."
Dr. Wong continued.
"Yes various chemical weapons which I analyzed in the lab. Mainly nerve agents."
"Dr. Wong, you also found what were the remains of human fossils."
"Objection, Dr. Wong is not an anthropologist."
"Your honor, let me present to you with Dr. Wong who has his PH.D in Antropology from UCLA."
Dr Wong continued.
"We found several species of man including the famed Lucy. Whomever this was, certainly knew his science but what concerned me most was the DNA testing equipment from..."
"Objection, there is no way in hell he can have a degree in life sciences."
"Your honor, let me present to you Dr. Wong's degree in microbiology from Stanfard."
The judge looked at Dr. Wong.
"How many degrees do you have?"
"I have twenty seven doctrines, speak fifteen languages and can communicate with the dead sir. I have a condition that forces me to be awake at all times of the day. That with my photographic memory and 3600 IQ means provides the means to generate such a schedule."
The judge turned towards the court.
"What is this...TV?" snapped the judge.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Umpire's do whine

A cloudy day for Joe West.
"The day is so cloudy. Why can't them scientists fix the weather to my liking. Man a bunch of losers!"
Joe walked out to the cab and stepped inside closing the door inside of him.
"Man this cab is small. What is the politically correct thin cab or something! You bum, make a better cab."
The driver turned around and said,
"destination....please"
"Ya, Fenway Park the home of the losers. !"
The driver shook his head. The cab drove off.
"Next time I call a game, David Ortiz is going to get everything against him and Josh Beckett will have to beg to get a called strike...you just wait!"
"Won't that make the game longer, "sputtered out the driver.
"Hey, the next time I ask you for advise I'll hurl!"
The driver rolled his eyes and pulled the cab forward.
"You cabs are always overcharging. It's a conspiracy. I'm not paying."
The driver slammed the brakes and said, "get out!"
Joe huffed and puffed out of the cab and rolled to the ground getting up. He waved down another cab.
The next block, Joe rolled out of that cab and fell to the ground. A string of obscenities followed Joe's arrival on the sidewalk.
The next cab arrived...and drove right past Joe. Joe instead wobbled his way to the ballpark barely able to control himself huffing and puffing and choking for air. Fortunately it was only two more blocks.
Joe walked into the park and cursed everyone in sight calling them fat, lazy, stupid people so it should be no surprise that Joe got slugged in the stomach but the punch bounced like a rubber ball so Joe didn't feel anything.
"Stupid people, "he cursed.
Joe then went to the locker to examine the baseballs. He rejected them all and then threw them all over the field in a massive tempter tantrum. He also suffered a collapse after exerting so much energy in throwing all those balls on the field.
.
It was two hours later when Beckett threw his first pitch.
"BALL!"
Beckett was mystified as well as the crowd. The pitch was straight down the tunnel.
"BALL"
Beckett threw his hands in the air and was ejected from the game. Tito came out and got thrown out.
"I own you all. I am the KING! I am GOD. Worship me. Do you hear me!"
Poor Joe. He went on and on like that until it was decided that he needed some help. If you ever want an umpire you can find Joe at the Boston center for Idiots. He's their only client.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Theo and Henry oh my!

2007
Theo Epstein was sitting in his office smiling at the World Series win.
"Why did we get Eric Gagne...losing a top prospect in the process? That was the worst decision you ever made!"
It was John Henry, who, despite the celebration, felt like something was wrong with the equation."
Theo sat there null of spirit.
John shrugged his shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking banana peels."

2008
Theo was in his office. Not a great year by any stretch of the imagination.
"Why did we get Julio Lugo...losing a great shortstop in the process? That was even worse than Gagne."
It was John Henry, who, despite the bad year felt even worse by having Lugo on the team.
Theo sat there null of spirit.
John shrugged his shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking juiced tomato leaves with garlic."

2008...a week later.
Theo was in his office planning 2009.
"Why did we pick J.D. Drew who is always hurt?"
Theo sat there null of spirit.
John shrugged his shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to quit popping birth control pills."

2009...start of year
Theo was in his office excited about the great season ahead.
"Why did we pick Julio Lugo as our shortstop? That was the worst decision you ever made."
Theo sat their null of spirit.
John shrugged his shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing crazy glue mixed with chocolate pudding!"

2009 New Years Eve
It was a really long winter. John Henry trotted into Theo's office.
"Why did we lose a great shortstop and get this guy from Toronto. I mean...I can't take much more of this with smoking, sniffing glue, drinking and popping pills?"
Theo sat there null of spirit.
John shrugged his shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to stop getting run over by cars."

2010...start of year
It was a really long year and even Christmas didn't help John feel better.
"Why did we get Dice-K in the first place. The man is a total waste of money."
Theo sat there null of spirit.
John shrugged his aching shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to stop setting myself on fire!"