Thursday, May 27, 2010

Joe West's new hit single


"I'm an umpire but they call me Joe"
"I pick out the pitches and call them slow"
"I may be a fool or maybe a dolt
"But I got myself a union and a pension to match

Call me Joe West...the greatest umpire there is
Call me Joe West...I expect a worshiping crowd

"I find myself a missing a mistake or two
But I don't a care because I'm Joe West
I feel like a God so ya all can worship me
But Don't bow down because my belly won't see you

Call me Joe West...the greatest umpire there is
Call me Joe West...I expect a worshiping crowd

"I find myself quest..ioning my own brain
I can't a find it cause its too small
But I don't a care and I don't know
I'm just Joe West the greatest of all

Call me Joe West...the greatest umpire there is
Call me Joe West...I expect a worshiping crowd

Two Words - Jason Varitek

Have you noticed something in the wind -- the Red Sox are winning and winning big. Notice that everyone's ERA has plummeted. Notice that Jason Varitek is behind the plate again. Notice that the Rays were befuddled by Sox pitching. Suddenly John Lackey is pitching well.

To say that Varitek is a better catcher is understating it. Granted, Jason can't save bad pitching but he can make a good pitcher look great.

Consider Oki. V-Mart was calling all fastballs. That was an incompetent decision. Oki is a junk ball pitcher. He can't throw beyond the 80's but if you mix it up, Oki looks great out there.

Consider Delcarman. Suddenly Manny D. is pitching well as is Bard and Papelbon. It's amazing how well these guys are throwing with Varitek. I can honestly say that V-Mart is terrible at setting up the plate and calling the game. Varitek is significantly better in all categories. He's a great catcher.

Consider the circumstantial evidence. Lester, Clay, Shilling (almost), Dice-K (almost) all came close or threw no hitters. Varitek knows what he's doing and his loss this year has really hurt the Sox offensively. Sadly Varitek has been saddled with Beckett who can't find the plate and has no movement on his pitches.

When V-Mart comes back, I suspect the ERA is going to explode. I could be wrong. What do you think?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Theo concerned about team overperformance.

Theo Epstein likes to think he can build a team to his standards. His goal is to create a "bunch of idiots". From our interview, I'd say he's done it.

"That's how we won the 2004 World Series but having a bunch of idiots on the team. I like to think I'm the head idiot of that idea. "

Only Theo could admit he's an idiot with pride. Theo also said that the Sox are overperforming.

"When we dumped Justin Masterson, I knew that was key to crippling the team. I've tried over and over again to do that to create a winning team. Gagne was our biggest find. It was his pitching that got us the World Series. "

Gagne was a guy you brought in when you had an eleven run lead. Wow, this is humiliating. Still Theo thinks the Sox are really frustrating to watch.

"McDonald really became a superstar which is why I'm glad we're dumping him. With Cameron back and dumping the hot fielding Jacobe to left field, we can expect the Red Sox to have an abysmal outfield. I'm proud of what I've done to help this team out."

Theo credits the bullpen for his crowning achievement.

"Ramirez, Delcarman, Oki, Bard, less so, and Papelbon have all contributed to the worst bullpen for the Red Sox in a while and I'm really proud of that. I really do wish we had Gagne back but if the bullpen starts to look good, we'll dump the player. Bard shows signs of being traded but he can still lose a game. I'm glad for that."

The warped mentality of the Red Sox general manager has everyone stumped.

"David Ortiz helped us a lot in March and April but right now he's hitting too well. We'll have to dump him soon. I want a .150 hitter and I'm really good at finding them. Look at Lugo! He was my proudest achievement. I hated to see him go but I was so glad we dumped our last shortstop. He was terrific the way he hit and fielded. Scutaro is so much better and making us look like a bunch of idiots and Beltre is just fantastic. That's what I'm talking about. Let us not forget J.D. Drew. That overpaid, injury prone player is just what I'm talking about. Sure we could have a competent player but how can you have a bunch of idiots doing that!"

You have to wonder what comes next.

"Clay is going. That's a guarantee. We'll trade him but Lackey will get an extension. If he keeps pitching like crap he's our man. Dice-K will also get an extension. We like signing players that nobody wants. I just can't understand why other managers don't think like I do."

Here's a reason Theo, they actually want to win a game!

I'm Joe Derive.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Dice-K Writes Tell All Book!

Dice-K was in New York today to celebrate his new book "In My Life, My Greatness Speaks" at Barns and Noble book store. He was rather frustrated at the lack of fans signing his book and spoke frankly about it. I was rather grateful.

"I don't understand why the #$#$ people refused to want me to sign my book. I sat there for two hours and got one kid who wanted to know where the bathroom was. I only told him IF he bought a copy of my book! Mom wasn't happy but this could change the kids life."


Dice-K was frank about his experience with the Sox and it wasn't always kind.

"I think I had to be first and foremost honestly about my experiences. The Sox only won in 2007 because I played. Sure others helped but when you're that talented its really hard to admit how you pale in comparison to me. I think a lot of guys felt like they could never show how good they are because I could outshine all of them. I mean I try to keep humble but when you're that good do you need to!"


Dice-K talked about 2009 and his struggles as well as his struggles in 2010 as well as his struggles in 2008 and 2007.

"The Sox had no patience with me. Their training techniques, baseball design and park design all contributed to ruining me as a pitcher. I know a lot of Japanese players will come to America and struggle and there is a long list of people to blame. I have spent most of my time blaming everyone because when I look at myself I only see perfection so it has to be everyone else. "

Dice-K was frank, in a delusional sort of way about his experiences with the team.

"Sometimes Tito felt he couldn't manage the game and it was hard managing the team and playing in the 2007 World Series but I had to take over. He was just too stupid to figure things out. He needed me. I was willing to help but it was his fault that I was unable to pitch well because he did it. I also blame the audience for shouting too loud and the cold temperatures and Jason Varitek and Theo Epstein and television and the old spill and global warming and nuclear power and pollution for bringing me down. Its time America see that its all their fault and not mine. "

Dice-K described his pitching techniques.

"As a future Hall Of Famer and the greatest pitcher the game has ever known, I can encourage kids that if you can survive these impossible conditions in America you can achieve some greatness that is pale compared to mine of course. Look at me, even when I don't pitch at all they pay me money. That shows that its my presence alone decides if the team wins or loses. They treated me bad this year. My back pain happened because David Ortiz shouted too long and threw the back muscles off. I had to take a long vacation just to recover. I'm not sure how long I can survive in this league.

Dice-K also talked about what he needs to succeed.

"First, I need to own the team and make all decisions. Second, I need a permanent home on the water. Third, I need a personal jet and a personal chef. Fourth, I need to be worshiped as a deity. Finally, it is Dice-K and the rest. That is how you need to know me. "

I'm Joe Derive and I'm going to leave before I personally kill this idiot.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

You have to feel bad for Tito

Terry Francona is enduring a lot this year. He really is enduring a bunch of players at the point of exploding at each other. In the Boston Globe today the Red Sox were reported as a frustrated and angry team. The results are horrible.

Tim Wakefield
Tim is frustrated and who can blame him. He's been relegated to the pen for Dice-K who consistently won't get along with anyone. Tim is angry and he should be.

Dice-K
Dice-K claims he know why he's struggling but won't reveal it. He won't work with the team on anything and continues to play poorly. So far he's soaking the Sox dry and for sure when his contract runs out he's made his money. He won't get along with his catcher or the team. The report in the globe was vial against Dice-K. He can either go back to Japan or surely the Mets will sign him. They sign anyone.

Mike Lowell
Mikey has been fed up and who can blame him. He's stuck and with David hitting he's boiling over.

David Ortiz
He's a great guy for bringing a team down. He's been bitter and argumentative and only recently has he contributed.

Mike Scutaro, Adrian Beltre
There must be some Julio Lugo in both of them. Even on the road they can't make the plays. Scutaro gave up three runs with his costly mistakes and there is no end in sight. Beltre continues to show us that a Julio Lugo should have stayed with the team. It would have been cheaper.

So the next time you feel frustrated with Tito, remember he puts up with a lot of crap from the team. He really does.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

This is NOT funny is it

To think that the Red Sox would possibly consider this a winning season would be delusional at best, wishful thinking at worst. This team feels like the 1978 Red Sox, the team that choked. The team that broke your heart over and over again and you came back for more. How did this happen?

THEO EPSTEIN

Let's go around the horn starting with catcher.

Catching
We traded away Justin Masterson, a fine pitcher with a good head on his shoulder. He would have been a very good choice over Dice-K but we lost him. Instead we got a catcher who can't throw out runners, can't block the plate, can't manage a pitcher and can't seem to hit. V-Mart, in fairness is better than this (hitting wise). Catching is weak. Jason Varitek is not behind the plate enough. We need him.

First Base
Youk is a player that most teams would envy. It is hoped that Theo will realize that because he's got a gem.

Second Base
You can't find a better man for 2nd base than Dustin.

ShortStop
Theo Epstein seemed destined to destroy that position when in 2007 the Red Sox won despite Julio Lugo who couldn't hit, couldn't field and couldn't throw and yes he's with Baltimore now. We had a great shortstop, actually several, but Theo had to keep tinkering until he made it a joke last year. Now we have Scutaro (ScatterThrow). He's better now and I think he'll be OK.

Third Base
Well, he can hit, I'll give him that. He can't field or throw and doesn't come across as a man I'd trust with any degree of ability but he's getting better. We had a great one in Mike Lowell. I miss him out there.

Left Field
Choose a variety of arms out there and we have a combination of Beavis and Butthead. We had Zazu and then Bay and now Cameron (hurt) and how Hall and the others showing us that playing the game is hard. That's a nice way of describing what we see out there isn't it.

Center Field
Jacoby might be gone. We'll see but certainly we have great talent to replace him as we have already seen. Junk might be the better word. Theo has turned the outfield into a screwball comedy.

Right Field
Theo described Drew as subtle. You don't dump money on a player for subtle. Drew is a disaster. We had a great right fielder but Theo took care of that one.

Starting Pitching
Josh Beckett.
Josh has struggled with might the last few seasons so we sign an extension. I don't know. Have to wait and see.

Jon Lester
Were it not for John Farrell, Jon would be gone. That would have been a waste. Another Theo that almost got away.

Dice-K
The Sox won the World Series in 2007 despite Dice-K. Dice-K has been a fiasco and another example of Theo being stupid. Dice-K will walk away with this into another team (or not) and pitch much better now that the Sox have taken him through four years of Triple A preparations.

Tim Wakefield
How to burn a guy in 1 easy lesson. Certainly you would think that the other 5 would prove their earned spot but it seems for not. Tim is bitter and I don't blame him. He's a hell of a pitcher who got shafted because we had to have John Lackey...ya that's Theo.

John Lackey
Superstar for the Angels but he's been terrible for the Red Sox. Thank's Theo.

Clay B.
Sadly I see this guy as a superstar but even my patience is ending. He's got such great stuff. He needs confidence.

Bullpen
All I can say is what is wrong with the bullpen. The talent in there is far better than the numbers.


This year the Sox are playing like they have a curse. They keep finding new and exciting ways to lose despite their talent. Everyone was screaming about hitting. I wasn't worried at all but I was expecting for David Ortiz to die out there. He didn't but we certainly had to wait a while.

This year will hopefully be the year that the Sox fire Theo Epstein...PLEASE!!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Umpires get questions

It seems the more you look at baseball's blame game, the more you look at umpires. They are the crux that drives everyone insane. I understand that sentiment. Consider the latest press interview with an umpire named Joe West. I'm Joe Derive.

"What? Of course we are con-sis...what's that word?"

Consistent.

"Oh ya, well we're that. People tell me we don't know what we're doing but we do! We know it at all times but I tell ya, it's stressful being an umpire Dale."

I'm Joe. My name is Joe...Joe Derive.

"OK Joe Dolt.."

Derive. I'm Joe Derive!!!!

"OK Fred, the point is...'

How in hell can you call a game when you can't get my name right!

"Look, Nancy, I told you over and over again, I'm not gay and I don't like playing with Barbie dolls."

Are you nuts?

"No I am not in Washington. I'm on Mars. I haven't been the same since the alien probe. Man that hurt. "


Do you know what a strike zone is?

"Strike zone? Of course I know. It's hard being an umpire not that I guess at it of course. I mean Gary what I'm trying to say is that..."

It's Joe and we need to end this interview Joe.

"Hey, my name's Joe!"

So is mine!

"Who's on first. I love that line. That's from Tim McCarver. He invented it after he invented the light bulb."

As you can see, I decided it was best to cancel our interview. Joe was plain nuts and I wanted to be as far from it as I could.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Confused in Baltimore

The Baltimore Orioles management can't figure out why people aren't coming to the ballpark anymore and drastic measures may have to be considered to alter course. I'm Joe Derive.

The Baltimore Orioles attendance this year has brought it close to an empty stadium night after night. It's really hard to bring in customers when nobody wants to attend.

"If the stadium is empty then nobody wants to come. The key is to fill the stadium with people. You do that and you have full attendance. The problem is that we are not filling the seats. "

That type of thinking may be why Baltimore has the worst record in the league right now but Orioles management sees things differently.

"We feel that the best way to improve attendance is triple ticket prices. That's one idea. If the tickets are that expensive then people will think this is the place to be! I mean, its so obvious why didn't we think of this before."

While Ticket prices continue to skyrocket, attendence goes down. Now fans from out of town come in to cheer for their team including New York and Boston.

"We certainly welcome the fans of course. We're glad they are here in our stadium filling up seats. We are changing things around here...you know adding Red Sox and Yankee posters and books and t-shirts and all that to accomadate the fans and eliminating all references to the Orioles. When the Yankees play, we're repainting the stadium and all that. Of course we'll still sell Baltimore Oriole stuff, at exhorbadent prices, on ebay so fans need not worry about getting their stuff anymore. "

This has to be the dumbest moves of any team in history but it gets worse.

"We were thinking of holding concerts during the game. Paul Simon, being a Yankee fan can come in and sing. Nobody pays any attention to the game anyway and the fans won't mind. The players are of course invited to play the game. Our team can't hit so there is no chance Paul will get hit with a fly ball."

So if you're heading out to Baltimore, the seats are plentiful, the accomidations suited to your team of choice and the beer is $75.00 a cup. You'll need it.

I'm Joe Derive.

New Umpire Standards

Bud Selig, known for his tough stance and quick problem solving actions took a bold step today in enforcing desperately needed physical and mental standards for Major League umpires. In a bold move, all umpires must now pass a rigorous physical and well as mental exam in order to continue to manage the rules of the game. Bud did make minor alterations of the test under protest from umpire Joe West but they were minor changes.
"It's outrageous and unfair. That's all I'm gonna say, "said umpire Joe West who became the most vocal of the group. "
Joe West complained most of all at the riding mower test which required all umpires to be able to drive a riding mower for ten minutes in an air conditioned room. The test was to test an umpires endurance on the field.
"I was exhausted. I had barely enough energy to get off the mower. What kind of an test is that? Do Olympians get pushed this hard?"
The test was later dropped under protest and changed to an umpire promising to be able to do the test without actually demonstrating his ability.
"That's outrageous too, "snapped Joe West.
Bud dropped the test entirely after that. Other tests include being able to stand up for ten minutes straight without sitting down. This was considered the most rigorous and was modified to allow the umpires to take rest breaks when needed.
The mental test categories were also rigerous. "When was the War of 1812 fought" really threw the umpires off.
"What kind of a question is that? How do they expect me to pass a test like that?"
Other questions included "what is the present year and how many days are in a week. Both questions were considered impossible to answer by the umpires without extensive research and were dropped.
Finally the umpires themselves were asked questions about the game such as what a strike zone is and what is a ground rule double.
"I can't believe this type of questioning? What is this anyway? How do I know what the rules of football and basketball are? Ground rule doubles and strike zones. What kind of crazy terminology is that?"
Joe West became so angry that Bud dropped the test entirely and considered instead further study in the matter. Umpire Joe West was proud of his leadership.
"This is why Bud is such a leader because he stands up for what's right."
I'm Joe Derive!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Julio Lugo enjoying good life

Julio Lugo has always had one goal in life -- to get paid for doing absolutely nothing. That dreams seems to have found fruition with his new role at the Baltimore Orioles.

"It's strange you know. The Sox are paying me basically to do nothing. I admire their dedication to my dream. I'm working on an extension so they can pay me next year as well. Theo seems to be open to the possibility and even getting me back on the team to sit on the bench and do nothing."

Despite Lugo's dream, he hasn't let ambition leave him. The Julio Lugo show continues to broadcast from the Orioles clubhouse. Presently he has over 100 viewers and its growing steadily.

"I love the Radio Show. It really excites me and I often broadcast live during the game. Most of the team ignores me but sometimes they say encouraging words that I can't repeat on the air. Sometimes they blow up my car and all for fun, but Theo always buys me a new car so its no big deal. "

Lugo joins the many alumni from Boston who enjoy being paid for doing nothing. Eric Gagne was one of them. Consider what he has to say.

"I didn't know if I pitched this bad I'd still get paid and make a ton of money. I love Boston. Theo is the best. "

So where does Theo get his advise on team decisions. Boston management relies heavily on the New York Yankees for decisions and Theo is really happy about that accomplisment.

"Everyone talks about rivalries but really New York just gets so excited when I call them. I mean they start cheering for every decision I make that is based on their criteria. It was their idea on Lugo and Gagne and Dice-K and...well the list is just too long to mention. In the end though the Yankees are the reason why we are what we are. "

In the end, Lugo is enjoying the good life and hopes the Sox will continue to pay him for doing n0thing. As he said when on the Red Sox.

"The two favorite letters on the team are D.L. which we call doing nothin' for short. I mean that's how you play the game. You play it while collecting a paycheck. Go Theo!

Lugo may not be the brightest person but he knows a good deal when he sees it.

I'm Joe Derive.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Boy Genius encourages Bunch of Idiots

Theo Epstein (Boy Genius) is known in Red Sox nation as the mind behind two championship teams. Theo, often called boy genius credits the Sox success by his 'idiot' policy. He says his latest goal now is "embarrassment protection."

"The Sox gave us the idea in 2004. I realized if we were to win, we had better act like idiots. It's the only way. I got that. That's why we get rid of players with great potential like Justin Masterson while paying players for not playing for us and look at the success it gives us. I'm really excited!"

Theo Epstein credits his managerial style for the brilliance that the Sox have had on the field but puzzles over 2010.

"You have to wonder what went wrong with the moves. I mean signing Josh Beckett to a large contract was a great move. Signing Dice-K is finally paying off for us. Once we've had enough of him, we'll send him to another team and continue paying for him. I just don't understand why this hasn't translated into wins. Right now we just want to avoid blow outs but I think with my brilliance we will find our path. Jacoby Ellsbury for Tony Pena. That works for me and we can throw in Jonathan Papelbon. Who needs him! Perhaps Terry Coma can help us with that."

Terry Coma was in his office drooling. We didn't have a comment but we asked Dice-K.

"It's been great. I get paid to do nothing and I like it that way. When I pitch I play around with pitches. Watch that pitch count go up! With the salary they pay me, why should I care. I mean only an idiot would pay me that much but I say, show me more money."

Julio Lugo also enjoyed his experience.

"I mean they paid me boat loads of money for nothing and I love them. They love me and I'm still making a ton of money. I love America. Next year I'm going for the Mets. They'll sign anybody."

So the Sox continue on their road to paradise it seems. Just a bunch of idiots.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Four Men and a Future

David Ortiz, Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek and Tim Wakefield sat around playing cards during an afternoon break. They discussed what was most on their mind -- retirement.
"So what will you do Mikey, "asked Tim Wakefield.
"Marry Ellen but that may not work out. Ellen threw her back out from the rack so she's kinda mad at me."
A pause flowed through the room. Mikey reflected back on that night.

(Mike's memory)
"Come on Ellen, you love it! You want more, more, more! Ha, ha, ha, ha...AHHHHHH"
"MIKE for heaven's sake are you crazy!!!!"
A crack was heard. Mike's sadistic laughter fell away.
"Sorry about that Ellen."

(back to present)
"What?"
"You're into S & M " asked Jason.
"Ah...no, pool. You know rack em' up. Ya, well...what about you David?"
Big Papi sighed.
"I have big appetite so I'm going to work at Arnie's restaurant. I can't wait. He's the best cook in the world."

(DAVID ponders his future in a fantasy)
"What the HELL!"
"What's the problem Arnie?"
Arnie threw down his pan.
"You're over 300 pounds of fat. I told you not to take advantage of my unlimited snacks policy and you would think a pro-ball player like yourself would abide by that principle. "
"Big Papi...hungry."
"Big Papi a whale. You're fired!"

(David returns to present)
" Maybe Big Papi not work for Arnie. I have lots of plans. How about you Jason?"
"I'm already hired by Gary McGrath. I'm going to be a lawyer at his firm."
A smile rolled across Jason's face.

(Jason's fantasy of a courtroom drama)
"So you see ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it's obvious this man committed multiple homocides. He's a lethal weapon. He's a violent killer that needs Florida's electric chair and I will be there to pull the switch."
"Mr. Varitek...do you mind!"
Jason turns around.
"What's the problem your honor"
"The accused is over there. Stop pointing your finger at me. Last time I checked, I'm the judge!"
Jason sighs.
"Oh...well as I was saying, that killer..."
"Mr. Varitek!"
"What now. What is the problem now!"
"Mr. Varitek. Can you please explain to me these charges because last time I checked, this person has unpaid traffic tickets!!!!! But maybe he stabbed the paper several times. I'm sure you can get a charge going on that one!"
"Parking tickets? Your honor this is a murder trial!"
"That's this afternoon, stupid and you're supposed to be defending your so-called axe-murdering client! Do you get that! You're not the D.A.!"
"This is a problem isn't it?"

(Jason returns to present)
"Of course, there are other careers out there for me, "sighed Jason with the wind knocked out of him.
"I'm going to teach with Julia. She's a great teacher, "said Tim Wakefield.

(Tim fantasizes about school)
"OK, so the force of the ball is directly proportional to the speed using the first derivative. Any questions?"
The class of eight year olds starred at Tim with confusion.
"Come on guys this is basic physics here! Surely eight year olds can get it and I'm in tune with kids!"
A hand was raised.
"Why are your pants on fire?"
"What...oh crap!!"
The class roared.
"That's not funny guys. "
Tim sits down and is glued to the seat.
"That's not funny...either guys."
Tim touched his hands on the desk. They were glued to the desk.
"uh"
"Who did this because I am going to kill you!"
A child screams out!
"Miss. Julia, Mr. Wakefield is going to kill us. he's a murderer!"
Julia walks in.
"Tim...let's take five.!"

(Tim returns to the present time)
"I don't think I'm cut out for teaching."
The four starred at each other in sadness.
"To the future."
"To the future, said Tim.
The room went quiet.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Theo's Gas station

Time to laugh again.

A car rolled up the driveway on Theo's gas station. A large complex with tons of equipment for repair and maintenance. Most if it useless and not functional. Theo Epstein liked it that way.
"Hey...anybody home."
Dice-K walked up to the person yawning.
"Ya."
"Look, we're stuck. We barely made it here. Our car broke down. Can you help us!"
Dice-K yawned and said, "Oh...ya...sure...I'm taking a nap now. Talk to you later. Ah....comfy."
Dice-K walked off.
"I hope they don't pay that guy much!"
"Nobody with brains would!"
Theo walked up.
"Wow, what happened."
The man sighed in relief.
"Our engine started overheating. Flames poured out. We downed it with water and drove here.
"Wow, looks like your car door has a scratch in it! This could be serious!", said Theo.
The man looked at him.
"Are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?"
Theo sighed and said, "We should be able to take out the scratch. We should concentrate on scratch prevention!"
'What about our car!"
"Oh don't worry, we can sell it! We need to concentrate on car prevention!"
"How can you run this station when you can't even figure out where the problems are!"
Theo signed and said, 'look at that carpet stain. We need to concentrate on stain prevention."
"Hey Beltre!"
Beltre rushed out tripping over several hoses. He then spilled the wrenches he had in his hand making clanging sounds on the ground. He tried picking them up. One flung into the gas station window and smashed the glass. Another went on top of the roof. Beltre then walked over kicking over a can of gasoline and then two cans of oil.
"Ya boss!"
"He's not working on our car is he!"
"No of course not. I just wanted a flashlight Beltre!"
Tito ran out and screamed. "BELTRE! I'm only giving you fifty more chances before I fire you!"
Beltre went back into the gas station tripping over some paper towels and spilling the wrenches.
"Hey, I'm trying to sleep here, "shouted Dice-K.
The man turned towards Theo and said, "What kind of an idiot gas station are you running here!"
Big Papi came out.
"What's the problem boss!"
"Look at this scratch here David!"
David walked over. He look at the ground.
"I don't see a scratch!"
"No here, "shouted Theo.
David looked at the sky.
"On the door of the car David."
David walked over and looked at the glass.
Theo sighed.
"Another time David."
David nodded with frustration and walked back to the gas station. He mumbled, "Big Papi can't figure it out!"
David then slammed into the wall.
"The doors over to the left!"
"Hey, I'm trying to sleep here, "shouted Dice-K.
Big Papi then kept slamming into the door. The man just looked.
"Can you fix my engine or not!"
Theo nodded. He called to Tim Wakefield.
"What, "snapped Tim.
"Did you clean the bathrooms yet?"
Tim threw down his sponge.
"I was as good as any mechanic here. Why'd you do this to me. Why!"
Theo shrugged.
"Hey stop shouting. I'm trying to sleep here, "snapped Dice-K.
"So Dice-K gets to sleep all day when I bust my tail off. It's not fair Tito!"
Tito got out and said, "I'll give you 200 more chances to work things out." He then left.
Mike Lowell walked out and looked at the car.
"I can fix this. Obvious thermostat problem."
"No, "said Theo. "I want David to look at it."
Mike burned with anger.
"Fine...fine! This whole station is screwed up! David can't even find the DOOR and I'm the one who knows what he's doing and you're always trying to get rid of me. You're an idiot Theo!"
Mike stormed out.
"Hey, I'm trying to sleep here..."
"Aw shut up Dice-K. "
Papi walked out and looked at the car.
"Over here, "shouted Theo.
The man was burning with anger. David looked at the man and said, "Big Papi fix car. "
Papi then walked back to the station.
"He just walked back inside. All he does is walk around. Why can't you use Mike Lowell?"
shouted the man.
"He's a terrible mechanic. Papi is much better!"
"How!"
"Ow, "shouted Ellsbury. "You idiot. I broke a rib!"
Beltre apologized as he accidently waved his leg in the air and kicked Ellsbury.
"I'll give you fifteen more chances Beltre!"
The man shook his head.
"No baseball team would be run as badly as this gas station."

Monday, May 3, 2010

The flood of Nashville

I never felt so frightened in my life as water cornered our house and threatened to take it over. I never felt so blessed just to lose the food supply of the refrigerator.
I never felt so sad to see so many homes destroyed from so much water and I never was so amazed at the generosity of people in need.
I never felt so in awe of what nature can do and what terrible consequences it can bring. I never felt so helpless realizing how much my life depends on so much around me.
In the end, I'm alive, I'm OK and my house escaped flood damage but so many around me did not. Somehow baseball teams mean so little to you when you watch the world around you drown from a real disaster.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Theo Epstein seminars.

Hey you..ya you! Do you ever have free time? No? Of course not! You're running a successful multimillion dollar business and that's killing your health isn't it?

"Hi, I'm Theo Epstein and just like I did with the Boston Red Sox, I can show you how to take your successful business and turn it into an outhouse in no time."

Theo Epstein shows you the techniques to drive your business into the ground. It's the number one business plan recommended by bankruptcy attorneys.

"Wow! Look at this! People who work for your company that actually are good at it. That's just too efficient and its costing you free time. Now, just by making simple moves like this can lead your company into the fast drainpipe of incompetence."

"I used to work say 70 hours a week but with the Theo Epstein plan I work about 20 hours a week and spend most of that time trying to figure out why the sales guys are running the I.T. department. "

The Theo Epstein plan gets the endorsement of thousands. Scott Boras, Julio Lugo, Dice-K Matsuzaka, David Ortiz, J.D. Drew, Alan Embre, Jonathan Van Every and Nick Green and the list goes on and on.

"If you sign up now, I'll bankrupt your business twice for one low price. That's half the total cost of the program already given to you for free including a free Three Stooges DVD and if you understand what I'm even talking about, you're already half way to getting your freedom back."

Join Theo Epstein now and get your freedom back. Theo knows what Manny Ramirez already knew. "Theo is a complete idiot!"


And you can be too by joining the Theo Epstein freedom program. If you're not completely bankrupt we'll give you your money back. So call now 1 800 - big-fool. That's 1 800 big-fool. You'll be glad you did!