The Lineup?

Terry Francona walked into the ailing room of players. He was aided by Theo Epstein. Theo had this to say.

"OK, I just want to thank everyone for getting us this far. This is a great team. We have Jacobe Ellsbury in left field..."

Tito tapped Theo on the shoulder and said, "out with broken ribs....you know...Beltre!"

Theo recovered and said, "right...OK. Well anyway, we have Hermida playing left field..."

Tito grabbed him and whispered in his ear. "Beltre...broken ribs...Like Jacobe."

Theo recovered...again and said, "OK right...Nava???" Theo looked at Tito and nodded with anxiety.

"OK but we have Cameron, the rock in center field."

Tto nudged him and said, "Hernia...four days a week...you know."

"OK, but we have Drew in right."

Tito sighed and said, "you know...Drew...such a kidder."

Theo grabbed his hair barely tearing it from his skull.

"OK but what a great infield...Beltre at third?"

Tito nodded. Theo felt better.

"Then we have Scutaro at short and Dustin at second..."

Tito moved his head back and forth.

"Broken foot on Dustin, bruised arm on Youk."

Tito felt his head fall off.

"OK but Lowell."

"Hip, " interjected Tito.

"Beckett?"

"Back, "snapped Tito.

"Dice-K?"

"Shoulder, "snapped Tito.

"Clay?"

"Hamstring, "sighed Tito.

"Is anybody NOT hurt!"

Tito signed and left the room.

Elmer Epstein and the Astrologer

A Warner Brother's Cartoon

Elmer Epstein walked down the street thinking to himself. It was 2007.

"Boy, Mistah. Henwy weally wants me to make a weally gweat team this year."

"What's up Doc?" asked the scrawny, tall astrologer who looked strangely like a rabbit.

"What's up Doc. Boy Mr...what are you?"

"I'm an astrologer!"

"I don't really know much about science."

"You look like a man with a problem...and a low IQ."

"Gee, Mr. Astrologer, that's weally all twue. I'm weally scawed. Mistah Henwy wants me to make a gweat baseball team and I don't know what to do."

"Come in Doc. I can fix your problem."

Elmer enters the caldrin of the mysterious astrologer and sits down at the round table. I large crystal ball is centered at the table. The mysterious astrologer waves his hands and chants.

"Done!"

"What's done?"

Elmer was hit in the face with a pie.

"The pie of course Doc!"

Elmer wipes the cream pie off his face.

"Vewy funny."

"Ah doc, you're first purchase has to be Eric Gagne. "

"Eric Gagne! He's a loser. Nobody in their right mind would buy him."

"Exactly doc and that's why I came to you!"

"But that would mean sacwificing gweat fahm pwoswects (prospects) and losing a dwaft pick. "

"Ya doc, but that certainly would impress your boss."

Elmer thought about it and smiled.

"Boston Globe."
"Eric Gagne trade a disaster for Boston. Elmer Epstein laughing stock."

"Oh you stupid Astrologer. Now I look like a fool!"

"We know that Doc but what's your point."

"Pwease Mistah Astwologer. Who do I do next?"

"J.D. Drew."

"What, that man is always getting injuhed. The last twing I would do is be stupid and buy him!"

"Don't forget a multi year contract with tons of money. "

"OK Mistah Astwologer."

"Boston Globe."
"J.D. Drew a disaster. He can't hit, he can't stay healthy. Elmer a laughing stock."

"You stupid Astwologah. They ah all making fun of me...again!"

"Don't worry Doc. You're next pick is a sure winner."

"Julio Lugo. I don't know Mr. Astwologer. National league players don't always do well in the Amehican League!"

"Are ya sure Doc?"

"Boston Globe."
"When will Lugnuts Lugo leave. Elmer Epstein is at it again!"

Elmer burned with anger

"You stupid..."

"Hold on Doc. The last thing I want to do is ruin your team. Now how about this guy. Dice-K Matsuzaka. He's a winner if I ever saw one but you gotta dump money at him. "

"I don't know Mistah Astwologer. My last picks are so bad. I mean the Yankees ah not even intwisted in him. That's a clue since they nevah make mistakes like me. "

"Are you sure tubby?"

"Boston Globe."
"Another disaster by Elmer. Dice-K complains, is always injured and blames everyone around him..."

"That's it Mistah Astwologer. I'm thwough with you. Evwy pwediction you make, makes me a fool in Boston! Now I've lost Manny Ramirez too! Evwything is wong."

"Don't worry Doc. I know you're hurting. I'm here for you. Listen, have you heard about...John Lackey!"

"Now you'ah talkin' Mr. Astwologer. "

The Astrologer looks towards the camera.

"This is too easy."

"OK Doc. Buy him but a five year contract and make sure you have no clauses in it. "

"You're right Mistah Astwologah. I almost had no twust in you but I got it this time!"

Elmer jumped up and ran out. The astrologer took off his costume exposing a Yankee uniform.

"Ah, ain't I a stinker!"

Tito Francona Wants To Retire

It's not easy being Tito Francona. Lately, it's been very hard to be Tito Francona. Imagine a team like the 2010 Red Sox and Theo Epstein as your general manager.
"Wow, let's get rid of Justin Masterson for the great catcher Victor Martinez. Ya, he doesn't catch anymore but that won't affect him. Ya, that move certainly won't come back to haunt us. They don't call me Right-Move Theo for nothing!"

Somehow getting lung cancer from smoking didn't seem like a big deal to Tito anymore. Ya, he could continue smoking.

"Wow, Andrian Beltre really is an all star defensive player. He won't be making any errors for the Red Sox. Ya, I know what I'm doing Tito! They don't call me Crazy Theo for nothing!"

That's when Terry Francona decided he couldn't quit drinking.

"Wow, John Lackey will be great on this team! Certainly he won't lose game after game after game and cost us a ton of money! They don't call me Burn-The-Money Theo for nothing!"

That's when Terry Francona decided he couldn't quit popping pills.

"Wow, Boof Bonser. He will be our best arm in the bullpen. With a name like Boof, it, it just calls to me Tito. Do you know what I mean. I have to have him. "

That's when Tito decided he couldn't quit sniffing glue.

"Wow, let's get a 37 year old player and stick him in center field. Certainly Jacobe won't have a problem playing left field. It's not like an all star third baseman is going to break his ribs or something and even if it happens, certainly Mike Cameron won't get hurt. They don't call me Theo Gold-Mine Epstein for nothing. "

That's when Tito decided he couldn't quit setting his hair on fire.

"Wow, Dice-K was a great investment. Certainly he won't give us any problems in 2010. He's such a team player. He won't do things like give us an attitude and pitch like he's 80 years old. They don't call me Prophet-Theo for nothing!"

Somehow setting Theo's car on fire didn't seem like a bad thing anymore.

'Wow, Tito, we do all these great moves and the Sox don't play well. That's certainly not MY fault. They don't call me Slick Theo for nothing!"

That's when Tito decided to retire.

News and other Tidbits

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and you're probably wondering about all that's happening on the Red Sox. Here are the highlights.

"Julio Lugo's new cook book is to be called 'Losing Weight from Beyond the Grave."

Julio Lugo, former shortstop for the Red Sox published his first book of recipes which he co-authored with cooking show guru Arnie. Lugo, who suffered a major fatality after exploding the restaurant he was testing his recipies in called the book "my last hurrah." While Arnie's recipies are great, Lugo's include:

Chicken Fetish casserole
Shrimp Maggot Burgers
Hot Dog s with Rice and chocolate pudding

and other such combinations that made me want to lose weight.

"Boof Bonser Getting Tired of Practical Jokes."

Boof Bonser has to have a sense of humor otherwise he couldn't have dealt with a name like Boof Bonser but having the entire Red Sox team chuckle uncontrollably including Theo Epstein who actually smiled was too much. We all wish Boof well at his recovery at the insane asylum where everyone who treats him apparently breaks out in laughter so much that he has been unable to find a therapist to treat him. Boof recently changed his name to "Butthole Bonser and feels that will finally give him the dignity he deserves.

"Scott Boras Says Rib Cage Optional Accessory."

Scott Boras, known for his infinite compassion states that Rib Cages are overblown accessories and that Jacobe will function just find without one.
"Once he removes it the pain will be gone and he can play baseball again and I can get more money out of him.'
We all felt moved by Scott's compassion and wish Jacobe well in his decision. Scott, for once SHUT UP

"Adrian Beltre...Three Stooges A Role Model for him."
Adrian Beltre says that slapstick comedy was a great way to learn baseball.
"When I saw Curly do his stuff, I thought -- I can do that too!"
Beltre seems to be doing it every night compiling errors like mad. He fumbles, he can't throw and he can't catch and neither can Scutaro. They are being called the Fools Gold Twins but Theo likes to call them "Another great selection ".

I'm Joe Derive and I think I'm going insane as well.

Orioles complain about highlight reel

Baltimore, who lost 9 - 0 last night complained about their highlight reel.

"We got two double plays and that's it!"

MLB replied stating "well, we were trying to show something positive and with a shutout that makes it really hard."

Julio Lugo had this to say. "Focus on me. Ya, I'm on the bench but who gets paid $9 million to sit on the bench...from the Red Sox! Come on guys. Focus on me."

I'm Joe Derive.

Beltre enjoying new role as DL climbs

Andrian Beltre seems to relish his new role filling up the DL as fast as he can.

"It was something when I broke Ellsbury for the season and then Hermida. The rate I'm going, nobody's gonna want to play LF when I'm through with them."

Beltre a former snow plow driver says its just like shoveling snow.

"When I come up and see the guy coming I see broken ribs, contusions, anything I can inflict. It's a lot of fun."

Nobody found it fun when Beltre took out yet another outfielder but Beltre has his own perspective.

"I was always told that 3rd base also includes the entire left field so I play it as such. Most of the time I miss but when I make a connection I get that ball!"

Beltre has sent nervous players in the outfield. Tito Francona considered getting Lugo back to play left field.

"He can get injured anytime. We're paying him anyway."