Wednesday, September 22, 2010

2010 Overview

Hello, I'm Joe Derive. With the 2010 season looming, everybody was excited at another stellar job with Theo Epstein and the Red Sox.
After an incredible season of 2009, the Sox turned to Theo and Theo delivered in 2010. After dumping all star shortstop Alex Gonsalez who had a banner year, Theo wisely unloaded this waste of material in favor of Mark Scutaro who showed up right away why he was the better choice.

(in-game annoucement)

"The ball is grounded out to Scutaro who throws it away flying the ball way past Kevin Youkilis. This is the one-a-day affair of bad throws. Man he sucks. Where is Alex Gonsalez."

Clearly the showing of Mark Scutaro showed everyone in New England why Theo Epstein is the genius of Boston.
Now Theo wasn't done there. He realized that the Sox needed pitching and turned to a new ace in John Lackey who showed everyone why he is the best in the league.

(in game announcement)

"Line drive base hit. That'll score two more runs and the Sox are behind 9 - 0 thanks to another fruitless John Lackey effort who can't seem to find the strike zone, strike out a batter, or for that matter, throw to first base. Man he sucks."

Realizing that John Lackey needed some support in runs and hits, he turned to the battering ram of Mike Cameron. The 38 year old showed us all why he's the heart of the Red Sox order.

(in game announcement)

And Cameron is out again with a hernia and it looks like he's out for the season forcing the Red Sox to pick from their farm system. He's hardly played this season. Unbelievable. Another brilliant move by Boy Genius Theo Epstein. Man, can he pick em'.

The brilliance of Theo Epstein continued to flow like molasses sticking to the side of a hot road...errr...that doesn't make any sense. Anyway, the Terminator himself, Adrian Beltre showed us all why he's the best in the game."

(in game announcement)

"A high popup and, and, oh no. He crashed into Jacobe Ellsbury and Ellsbury is clearly in pain. Looks like he might have broken a rib. What was Beltre thinking? "

(in game announcement)

A high fly ball and...no, no...Beltre crashed into Hermida and now he's walking away in pain. That's after Beltre threw the ball away instead of just throwing to first base. What is this s-t? This guys a moron! Way to go boy Genius"

All efforts worked out exceedingly well and Theo Epstein shined with once again like having J.D. Drew out there showing us all why he's the best in the game.

(in game)

"It appears that Drew is out of the game...something about heat exhaustion...even though its 75 degrees out and cloudy. I understand he's also going on the D.L. because of a burn on his tongue from hot sauce...I mean...how do you pay this guy!"

All in all, the Red Sox were a tough team to beat. Unfortunately because of injuries and a curse setup by Julio Lugo on being left out of the team, the Sox faltered and decayed despite the great defense efforts of the entire team.

"Ground ball to Beckett and he...he throws it away. Can't anybody throw to first base. I though this was grammar school. I can't believe this.

Everybody looks forward again to next year as Theo already is talking about dumping garbage like Clay Buckhotz, who while honored as the best pitcher of the game, is not fit for the Red Sox. Then there are players like Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkilis who are clearly on their way out. Fortunately we have David Ortiz.

"Ground ball to second and a double play as David Ortiz once again hits to the shift and looks like a guy still trying to get a square peg into a round hole. The Sox only chance at a rally and Ortiz again blows it. What an idiot!

OK, I was paid a ton of money to do this so forgive...Joe Derive.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

A Day In the Life of John Farrell

8:30 am

A boiling mad John Lackey stormed into John Farrell's office. He had lost the game blowing an early lead. He was very angry it seemed considering the rocket launcher he carried in his arm.

"I hate BOSTON. They say Lackey no have CONTROL! I have control of my temper. I show them with my bazooka! Blow their heads off."

John waved his hands into the air.

"They were talking about your pitching control...Johnny. They were not talking about your temper."

Johnny let down his bazooka.

"Oh, OK. I don't care about that. You guys pay me even if I suck which is most of the time. Have you seen my mommy?"

"We all know that Looney Johnny, "forcibly smiled John Farrell.

"OK, I'm done now. You seen my sippy cup?"

"Bye Johnny."

John signed and leaned back at his desk. Clay Buckhotz came in.

"Johnny, them guys on the team offered me 160 proof whiskey. They say it's gonna make me smarterer. My Daddy says that with my intelligence, I shouldn't consider getting drunk. Might damage whatever gray matter I have left."

"That's good advice Clay."

"Then...I should..."

"no, no, no. No alcohol of any sort for you. You need to avoid that. Just remember...LUGO!"

"Oh ya...thanks John."

Clay left the place. John watched the steam from his coffee travel up a path to the ceiling. He was tired. The team was a bunch of nutcases.

"John!!! I need more of those erection pills..."

"You mean...stimulation pills Andrian....stimulation pills."

<< FLASHBACK <<

"Gotta get that ball....It's mine. John gave me pills...gotta...crap I broke Ellsbury's ribs."

<< FLASHBACK <<

"Gotta get that ball...it's mine. John gave me stimulation pills...gotta...crap I broke Hermida's ribs."

>> PRESENT TIME >>

"I really don't think you need that anymore Beltre. People are afraid to be near you on the playing field."

"But...I need it. I feel so worn out and draggy all the time. "

"Adrian, you're draggy is everyone else on caffeine pills. You make Daffy Duck seem lethargic."

(long pause)

"That means you make Daffy Duck seem boring to watch."

"OK well I can deal with that. OK...I'm OK "

The door closed.

"I gotta find me a new job."

Theo walked in sitting down.

"For next year, we need to keep John Lackey. He's exceeded expectations in subtle ways. We need to get rid of Clay and Lester. I feel we can trade them for a big bat like Jeff Mathis of the Reds. He may be considered the worst player in the league right now but I feel that we need to outbid ourselves and get him. "

"Clay and Lester are the best pitchers of our staff."

"They will ask for too much money. We can't keep them and expect to afford great players like J.D. Drew."

"Excuse me Theo, I feel a headache coming on."

"I think I know the problem. You're upset that I want to trade Daniel Bard for Scott Olsen who has a 2 and 9 record and that's not enough to guarantee a trade. Don't worry, I threw in Jonathan Papelbon to guarantee it. "

"Theo, I have a press conference in ten minutes."

"OK...bye."

>> Ten Minutes Later

"John, how do you feel the pitching staff is shaping up to be this year."

"Ah..."

"John, how excited were you at the John Lackey purchase and do you now feel it wasn't worth the money."

"Ah....

"John, why is Tim Wakefield being treated so poorly by a team that once honored him."

"Ah..."

>> LATER

John sat back in his office.

"That went well, " he thought to himself.

The phone rang.

"Great press conference, John...maybe next time you'll actually answer a question or two!"

John only had one thing to say... "Ah..."