Joe Derive and Tim Wakefield

"HI, I'm Joe Derive and I'm here at Arnie's fine restaurant with my guest Tim Wakefield. You can get anything you want at Arnie's restaurant."

Joe watched Arnie shake his head while dropping down beers on the table.

"You know Arnie, Alice's restaurant, the song, from the 60's..."

"I know you need to order some food. You both are drunk and this is a family restaurant. !"

Arnie walked away. Joe turned towards the camera.

"Anyway, here is my dear friend Tim Wakefield taking time away from his busy schedule with the Red Sox..."

"Ya, "said Tim gulping his seventh beer. "Ya, just sitting around the bullpen rotting while John Lackey and Dice-K give up fifteen million runs per game while I, in my last start, with no preparation gave up one. Meanwhile Theo the tyrant dumps me in favor of these...losers...oh I don't feel so good.."

Lugo started cleaning up the old beer bottles on the table as Arnie ran over.

"LUGO...how many fingers do you have on your hand?"

"Ah, ten."

"That's right ten, "said Arnie boiling with anger. "Yet I told you a true kitchen helper loses on average about one finger per day. Get back in there!"

Joe watched Lugo sulk. He had a shirt on that said "doing community service for burning down the street." Joe almost felt sorry for him.

"So why doesn't anyone else have lost fingers in the kitchen!"

Arnie stuck his face in Lugo's.

"They have artificial fingers Lugo like me. Get it? Look at my ten. You can't tell them from the real thing! "

Lugo smiled and went back into the kitchen. Both Arnie and Joe watched tears welt up in Tim's eyes. They followed them to the TV on the wall that was playing Gilligan's Island.

"They'll never get off the island and they'll always blame Gilligan and he's so sweet and innocent. "

Tim wiped the tears off his face.

"Just like me. The sweet guy with a salary that's 1/16 of Dice-K's and yet I give more to this team besides making the DL and whining. I never whine. I never complain...more beer."

Arnie handed Tim a bottle and watched him roll back in his chair and crash on the floor.

"He's fine, "said Joe.

A loud scream was heard from the kitchen. A wry smile came on Arnie's face.

"I did it Arnie!"

Arnie shouted back, "keep at it Lugo!"

Arnie watched Joe lift up Tim Wakefield who starred at the TV some more.

"Sometimes I watch the film -- The Lonely Guy with Steve Martin. It gives me hope, "said Tim sipping on more beer.

Another curse came from the kitchen.

"Two Arnie!"

"Good job Lugo."

Arnie turned towards the duo.

"I'm cutting you guys off. "

Joe looked at Arnie.

"OK Arnie, I need to get back to the show. "

Arnie nodded and went back to the kitchen.

"That's three Arnie, "said Lugo.

"OK, now as I was saying..."

"Oh, no, "said Tim. "Dr. Smith prevented the crew from going back to earth, sort of like Theo Epstein prevents the Red Sox from being a great team. I mean we have Dr. Smith Dice-K, and Dr. Smith Gagne, and Dr. Smith Drew..."

"OK, "snapped Joe. "I got it now let's...oh I don't feel to good."

Joe looked at the camera.

"Well we be back next time...oh."

The camera sat there as Joe and Tim rolled back and crashed on the floor.


Next time on the Joe Derive show, Tim Wakefield shares his thoughts on how Barnie Fife from the Andy Griffith show is really Theo Epstein in disguise.

Salty's Day

Salty's comment in the Boston Globe read "it takes a strong guy to do that. " Well Salty, thank you for that humble comment!

Salty sat in the clubhouse resting against the table. His left leg kicked the gaterade bottle and sprayed the sugary substance all over the floor.

"Oh sorry about that everyone but you know, it takes a coordinated guy to do that. "

Salty didn't notice the shaking heads as he waved his hands at the reporters with that sly smile.

"Salty, this is your first home run of the season. "

"Well, it takes a strong guy to do that you know. "

Salty didn't notice the rolling eyes but instead gave out a grand smirk.

"Ya, I feel if this team is going anywhere, it will have to rest on my shoulders. The great, broad strong shoulders of Salty."

Salty waved his arm and tensed it revealing a small lump that passed for a muscle.

"Fear that, " said Salty.

He gave out a grand smile that shimmered through his dull teeth. He wondered why the reporters were chuckling. No matter, thought Salty. God like status took time to appreciate.

"Salty, now, "screamed Tito in the background.

Tito shouted and Salty responded strolling through the locker room making sure that his glow and presence were seen by everyone. He closed the door and sat down.

"Salty, sit down."

Salty took his time and allowed himself to cross his legs and wave his hands in the air.

"Sir..."

Salty put his feet on the desk crashing paperwork and smashing into objects. Salty picked them up but sadly the lamp went flying through the air as he picked it up in haste and smashed Tito's skull sending him to the ground.

"Oh, I guess you're sleeping. Well...OK."

Salty went out of the room and saw the crowd lingering around the office. They seemed to have looks of desperation on their faces.

"Hey everyone. How about McDonalds. The first happy meal is on me!"

Salty felt sad when everyone bolted for the door until he realized it was clear that his aura of light was too bright for the rest of the crowd. He walked forward knocking over another gatorade container before smashing against the table and sending the water buckets to the ground.

"Wow, that's a bad mess. Oh well, I guess someone will clean it up. A strong man like myself needs to get some rest. Oh the life of a God."

Salty walked out. Another game for tomorrow.

A Day in the life of a 3rd base coach

Tim Bogar was the 3rd base coach of the Red Sox. He got up from the floor and looked at the clock. It said 6:00 am. The alarm blazed in his ears. He rolled over on the floor.

"Wow, 6 pm already. I overslept."

He got up and went to the shower. He turned on the water and cleaned himself off and then got out of the shower. He wiped off himself and his clothes.

"Wow, my clothes are wet. How did that happen?"

Still confused, he went to the bathroom and grabbed a hairbrush. After applying shampoo he brushed his teeth. The hairbrush was quite large for his mouth and painful but Tim wanted to be good to his teeth.

"I always get so many cavities, " he thought to himself. "You would think they would make these toothbrushes smaller and toothpaste always makes me want to throw up."

He then grabbed a toothbrush, poured toothpaste on it and brushed his hair.

"This is taking forever. If they would only make toothbrushes for hair and hairbrushes for teeth. Wow, my brain is starting to fry. I'd better stop thinking. It hurts too much."

Before leaving the hotel room, Tim moved the mattress and the boxspring back on the bed. He didn't sweat since his clothes were so wet.

"Beds take up so much room. I wonder why they put them in a hotel."

Tim hated beds. They got in the way of a good nights sleep on the floor. Bogar walked out of the room and to the elevator. He pushed the button.

"My, I need food. I'll go to the topfloor."

Bogar pressed a button and once the elevator opened he walked inside. Dripping water soaked up in the carpet from his wet clothes. He watched the numbers get smaller until they reached one.

"Top floor. Wow, I'm hungry."

He walked to the breakfast area. The waiter looked at him strangely. He looked at the waiter strangely.

"Breakfast sir?"

"Yes."

"Help yourself."

Bogar, was so happy. He walked to the food on the tables and starting eating. He was so hungry.

"Sir, what are you doing?"

Bogar got confused. Everybody was confusing him today.

"Eating?"

"Sir, bring the food to the plates."

Bogar felt dumb. The waiter was right. He was rude. He grabbed the eggs with his hands in a big lump and dumped them on the plate. The waiter looked so stunned. Bogar thought he was dumb.

"Sir, use a spoon. For heavens sake, nobody can be this stupid."

"I can."

Bogar used a spoon and scooped up food. He put it on his plate and then dumped the eggs in his mouth with his hands.

"Sit down sir."

Bogar agreed. My there were so many rules. It confused him. He could feel his head hurt. Nevertheless he wanted to be nice. He sat on the floor and ate.

"Get out. That's it. I'll get you your check and you get out."

Bogar felt so happy inside. He was getting a check. This was so wonderful.

"Thanks for paying me!"

"What are you talking about?"

"You did give me a check!"

The waiter starred into his eyes.

"You're the third base coach for the Red Sox aren't you!"

"Yes, how did you know!"

The waiter smiled.

"Oh, just a wild guess. Now you run along to the ballpark. "

Bogar felt so happy. He got up and smiled and walked to the curb. He knew he had to get to the ballpark. He saw a cab and grabbed it.

"Sir, what are you doing?"

"I'm grabbing a cab!"

"Sir, get in the backseat. Wow, nobody can be that stupid."

Tim laughed. He could. He sat in the backseat and waited.

"Wow, its' already 1.20 pm. "

"No, that's the fare. "

"I don't want to go to the fair. I want to go to the ballpark."

He saw the cabdriver hit his head on the steering wheel. That must have really hurt he thought.

"Nobody can be this stupid."

They drove to the park. Tim liked the cab driver but worried. The time was not 6:00 pm when he arrived at the park.

"Six dollars sir."

"Wow, that's also the time. Here!"

He walked out and went to the park but felt the need for a hotdog. He walked to the stand.

"One hotdog."

The server handed him a hotdog. He looked at it.

"Wow, that doesn't even look like a hotdog yet it is a hotdog. I'm confused."

"3.00 sir."

"Does that look like a hotdog to you?"

"It's already 3:00 pm."

Tim saw the jaw drop on the waiter.

"Hey Tim."

He turned around. It was David Ortiz.

"Hey David Ortiz."

"That's Tito Francona sir. 3.00 sir."

"Wow, I'm confused."

"You're not the only one sir. 3.00 dollars sir. You got that?"

Tim felt better. He understood. After paying the money Tim walked on the field. He saw David Ortiz.

"Hey hit me some ground balls Tim."

"OK."

Tim took the bat and threw it at David Ortiz. It flattened him on the ground and knocked him unconscience.

"What are you doing!" shouted David Ortiz. It was Tim Wakefield but for some reason everyone on the team was David Ortiz to him.

"He said hit him."

"Ground balls. Hit some ground balls."

Tim now understood. He grabbed some balls and started wacking them with a bat. He hit them hard.

"Wow, "said Theo Epstein. "Tim thinks like me!"

Tim looked over at David Ortiz who was being treated by paramedics.

"Is that enough ground balls."

Tim saw a shocked look on everyone's faces but soon they all ignored him and went by their business.

"Stay away from ME!"

Tim couldn't figure out why David Ortiz was shouting at him and being carried away on a stretcher. It was Josh Beckett of course.

Tim smiled and said, "hello David Ortiz."

Josh, (David Ortiz) just walked away keeping his eyes on Tim at all times. He watched a reporter walk over.

"Hey Tim, hit some line drives for some photos. "

"NO!" shouted half the team but already Tim was throwing bats into the air and balls and helmets and everything else sending a shower of items that cracked skulls and broke bones. When he was done he wiped the sweat off his brow. Half the team was knocked out and on the ground.

"Was that OK?"

The reporter was on the ground unconscience. Tim didn't get an answer. He was confused. He then starred at Josh (David Ortiz) who was getting up from the ground.

"Hmm, I hate reporters. They ask you to do something and then they fall asleep."

Tim walked off the field. He wanted another hot dog and a nap. It had been a full day.

Sox say losing strategy is working

The Boston Red Sox officially annouced their "Win to lose" strategy in hopes of turning around the season. I had to read the statement a few times over a couple of beers and it still doesn't make much sense to me.

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.

The Red Sox, still under .500 are trying everything to turn this team around. The Win to lose strategy essentially puts the team in a position to require losing all the time instead of winning. This of course begs the question -- what is the new strategy?

"It will save me the trouble of getting injuries to stay out of the lineup, "said J.D.Drew who has done little in the lineup besides grounding out into double plays. "I like to fake real injuries so that I don't shame myself in front of the crowds. "

Others take a different view such as David Ortiz.

"I'm not buying this approach. I'm going to keep pulling the ball and hitting into one double play after another until I start hitting. I mean my LOB, whatever that means, keeps going up and that's a good thing. I may have a new World's record. That approach has really worked for me so far."

You know, you have to wonder what medication(s) Tito Francona is on to cope. Still others feel tremendous frustration such as pitching coach Dave Madden.

"We have been facing some really tough teams. When we face easier teams we...well actually we lose against them too. Never mind. "

Many state that the biggest obstacle is Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youk, who understandably, are very frustrated with their performances. Both feel they have to play better as stated in their comments.

"We're very frustrated. We have to play better. "

Still, perhaps it is the lack of consistency, more than anything else, that defines the 2011 team. Despite all their talent they lose on a regular basis making it a modern art form. Adrian Gonsalez has been very vocal about the situation.

"This team sucks. I'm hitting like mad and they keep grounding out into double plays. Even when I hit two home runs they suck. I mean I left San Diego for this? What was I thinking...what? Oh ya, I forgot about the money. Like I said, this team is great."

Whatever the reasons the Sox are hoping this strategy will work. Right now everyone feels desperate to get wins going and it isn't easy. The good news is that everyone is starting to improve in small but important ways. Perhaps the biggest improvement is Dan Wheeler.

"I throw strikes and give up home runs, "said Dan Wheller. "That's what they pay me for. Everyone likes my approach and I don't understand why the Sox are happy to see me on the disabled list. I don't give up walks. Home runs are much better. I really shouldn't have gotten this labotomy should I have?"

Still there are some highlights like Tim Wakefield being the oldest and nicest player still playing in baseball history. He may not get his wins but he's too much of a class act to feel anything but great.

"Now how in @#@) hell is that something to @#@) celebrate when I won't $(@# get the career wins I wanted and when I do $#@$# play well this teams #$)# it up for #$# me. F-k you Derive."

When we all get old Tim. Still the Sox are on the road and hoping for a losing victory. All I can say is that I'm glad I have a subscription to a mail order beer company. I'm going to need it.

Joe Derive.

I Throw Strikes

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I'm talking Dan Wheeler today. Granted, to say the Sox are dying out there is an understatement but we do see some signs of hope. For instance, I'm still bugged why Tito Francona isn't petitioning Major League Baseball to play the California Angels exclusively in 2012. OK, I'm kidding.

Today though, I want to talk about Dan Wheeler. Dan Wheeler cost the Sox three million dollars which isn't so bad. After all, Dan Wheeler throws strikes. How do I know that Dan Wheeler throws strikes? Well, that's because that's all he ever says!

“That’s what I do, I throw strikes. "

That seems OK for the Red Sox because pitching coach Curt Young seems also to be taken in by this tag line:

"I like what he's doing because he's throwing strikes. "

You have to wonder where the education system in the United States went wrong. So I go out to Dan and ask him why he thinks he struggles so badly.

"I feel confident where I’m at,’’ he said. “The numbers don’t look good, but I throw strikes. There’s nothing as far as my health and did I mention throw strikes.’’

On Monday he threw strikes and Vernon Wells hit a two run homer.

"I threw strikes. Sometimes when you throw strikes they hit home runs. I've been thinking of throwing balls but then they get walks. You don't want walks. Home runs are much better. "

Then I asked Tito Francona, the spokesman for those with an IQ and he said:

"He eats up innings."

Well, I guess if you're going to pay three million dollars for a man you have to find something positive to say about it.

"Hey, don't forget I throw strikes."

Don't worry Dan, nobody will!