Good Evening. I'm Theo Epstein. Are you looking to get away from life for a while. I know the stress I feel of taking complaints over such fine choices as J.D. Drew, Dice-K, Julio Lugo, losing Justin Masterson, Eric Gagne, Carl Crawford, Bobby Jenks, Morales, Wheeler, well just about the entire team, I like to get away a while and relax. Well, look no further than the Theo Epstein health bar. Come with me as we take a tour.
Kitchen
First, let's check out the health food kitchen. My mouth is watering already...then again so are my feet...hmmm, must be a leak. Anyway, ignore the large river of water in the kitchen. The point is that pizza, chicken nuggets, fried potatoes, potato chips, and my favorite -- a triple fudge sundae with whipped topping and creamed pig fat...mmmm. Now that's health food. After three servings of this. I'm so full right now I'm ready to burn it off with exercise. Come with me to the gym.
Gym
First let's unlock the door to exercise. Yes, let's unlock the door. All we have to do...is get...this...door...unlocked. Dammit why isn't it opening. Perhaps this sledge hammer will help.
(bang)
(bang)
(bang)
Whew, I'm already burning up a sweat. The sledge hammer would work better if the hammer head didn't fly off on the first swing. Never...ah...it opened.
What a spacious gym with shiny new wood floor...oh I see its not...dry...yet. No...matter...ah just one corner wasn't dry. Now let's get a ball and drop it into the basket.
(thump)
I see the basketballs aren't quite inflated yet. No matter. I can still toss one in the basket...there...oh for heaven's sake. How did the ball go through the damn wall. Who in heck designed this place! Oh, right, it was me.
The Sauna
Well, no matter. We cna then relax and cheer ourselves up at the old sauna. Whew, it's steamy in here. I sit down...Ow...stupid splinters. Ow, nails...ow, wood chips...dammit the sauna's on fire. I told them not to use gasoline to clean the wood...but did they listen! Hey, its locked. The door's stuck...HELP!
The Hot Tub.
After all that there is nothing like a warm hot tub, so now we relax and take in the warm hot...water...that's really hot...why does it smell so bad. Oh the phone is ringing. I get it from the wall.
(thunk)
You know a phone that crashes on your foot can really create a severe amount of pain. I think I'll answer the phone later...but first, let's ignore the hot tub. Let's hit the olympic sized pool! AHHHH
(thunk)
OK, who forgot to add water to the pool!
The Relaxation Room
After all that there is nothing like a comfortable room...why is all the furniture off to the side of the wall...ahhh.
(thunk)
I see somebody forgot to level the floor. So...relaxing...oh no the ceiling....
Join now the Theo Epstein Health bar and you'll get 30% membership prices. Hurry though as this is a limited time offer as the building is about to collapse.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
September
September 1st at the press conference of Terry Francona.
"No, we're excited. We're in first place and we're doing very, very, well. I...I don't see any problems in the future. October is on the way."
"What, pitching, John Lackey, Matt Albers, no we're fine. I'm sure Lackey and Albers will be fine. I mean everybody else is doing good. "
"What, pitching, the entire starting rotation, no we're fine so far. We have a great bullpen that can fill in the slack while our entire starting rotation caves and goes down the sewer."
September 12th at the press conference of Terry Francona.
"Ya, we're having some worries here but nothing really to worry about...much. We'll turn it around. We always do...we're...mostly confident.
"What, pitching, the entire staff, .ya...it's showing some wear and tear but you know, I'm not worried. I'm completely confident our entire pitching staff will fix things because if they don't then I don't know what to do...but ya...actually I am worried...but not much. "
September 17th at the press conference of Terry Francona.
"OK this is getting serious. We can't hit, we can't pitching and we can't win games but we're...kind of confident in a sort of defeated -- going home early -- sort of way.
"What...animal sacrifices...I've heard rumors but really nothing...oh the lamb that's been blessed by the God Isis...well, he's my pet...ya...lamb."
September 20th at the press conference of Terry Francona.
"Ah, ya we've tried animal sacrifices...rumors...all rumors..."
"Ya, I would say we're getting desperate...ya, you can say that but I just want to say that Josh is confident what the problem is with the entire pitching staff. "
(Heidi Whatney screams and runs past Tito chased after by Josh Beckett carrying a club.)
"Heidi, we're just trying to contact Jupiter in hopes that he can lead us to some vestal virgins. "
(Both run through the room)
"You didn't hear that right?"
September 22nd at the press conference of Terry Francona.
"Ah, no all these crazy rumors...nope...none. "
"Ya, I would say we're getting desperate...ya, you can say that but I just want to say that Josh is confident what the problem is with the entire organization. "
Josh runs through the room.
"Sorry... no big deal."
"He's just...kidding...around. I've gotta go."
September 23rd at the press conference of Terry Francona.
?????
"No, we're excited. We're in first place and we're doing very, very, well. I...I don't see any problems in the future. October is on the way."
"What, pitching, John Lackey, Matt Albers, no we're fine. I'm sure Lackey and Albers will be fine. I mean everybody else is doing good. "
September 5th at the press conference of Terry Francona."Ya, we're having some problems but nothing to worry about. We'll turn it around. We always do. Nothing to worry about."What, pitching, the entire starting rotation, no we're fine so far. We have a great bullpen that can fill in the slack while our entire starting rotation caves and goes down the sewer."
September 12th at the press conference of Terry Francona.
"Ya, we're having some worries here but nothing really to worry about...much. We'll turn it around. We always do...we're...mostly confident.
"What, pitching, the entire staff, .ya...it's showing some wear and tear but you know, I'm not worried. I'm completely confident our entire pitching staff will fix things because if they don't then I don't know what to do...but ya...actually I am worried...but not much. "
September 17th at the press conference of Terry Francona.
"OK this is getting serious. We can't hit, we can't pitching and we can't win games but we're...kind of confident in a sort of defeated -- going home early -- sort of way.
"What...animal sacrifices...I've heard rumors but really nothing...oh the lamb that's been blessed by the God Isis...well, he's my pet...ya...lamb."
September 20th at the press conference of Terry Francona.
"Ah, ya we've tried animal sacrifices...rumors...all rumors..."
"Ya, I would say we're getting desperate...ya, you can say that but I just want to say that Josh is confident what the problem is with the entire pitching staff. "
(Heidi Whatney screams and runs past Tito chased after by Josh Beckett carrying a club.)
"Heidi, we're just trying to contact Jupiter in hopes that he can lead us to some vestal virgins. "
(Both run through the room)
"You didn't hear that right?"
September 22nd at the press conference of Terry Francona.
"Ah, no all these crazy rumors...nope...none. "
"Ya, I would say we're getting desperate...ya, you can say that but I just want to say that Josh is confident what the problem is with the entire organization. "
Josh runs through the room.
"Sorry... no big deal."
"He's just...kidding...around. I've gotta go."
September 23rd at the press conference of Terry Francona.
?????
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Red Sox New News
Things are not going well for the Red Sox. This is something that is on everyone's mind. John Henry especially felt the urge today despite the fact that I begged him to not talk to me.
"Today I have to have a colonoscopy. I'm really nervous. Have you read the form? I mean have you read the form!"
"Getting ready for the procedure takes much longer that you expect. According to one study, 16.5 hours, on average — than the actual time you’ll spend at a medical center the day of your colonoscopy. Preparing for a colonoscopy may be uncomfortable and time-consuming, but it needn’t be an ordeal. Actually it can be fun if you take the time to prepare yourself and have a serious fetish for the toilet (optional). Here are some things you can do to help it go as smoothly and comfortably as possible:
On other News, Tito Francona said that he was very excited about the team's future and felt that the month of September was the best yet for the team. Francona also added that LSD goes a long way in tough times.
David Ortiz stated that Alfredo Aceves should be a starter. Theo Epstein added that once David Ortiz knows how to run the bases he can consider managing the team. Until then run out ground balls, don't make stupid base running mistakes and stop looking like Rosanne on the basepaths.
Wow, things are getting tough in Boston! Until next time!
"Today I have to have a colonoscopy. I'm really nervous. Have you read the form? I mean have you read the form!"
We Put the Fun in Colonoscopy!!!!
"Getting ready for the procedure takes much longer that you expect. According to one study, 16.5 hours, on average — than the actual time you’ll spend at a medical center the day of your colonoscopy. Preparing for a colonoscopy may be uncomfortable and time-consuming, but it needn’t be an ordeal. Actually it can be fun if you take the time to prepare yourself and have a serious fetish for the toilet (optional). Here are some things you can do to help it go as smoothly and comfortably as possible:
- Wear loose clothing...preferably a Moo-moo (nothing to do with cows). Stay near the bathroom. Better yet, once the preparation starts to work, stay in the bathroom — because when the urge hits, it’s hard to hold back. Consider setting up shop near the toilet with music, your laptop, shotgun or an automatic weapon (if you can't take it anymore), or better yet magazines, or books on colonoscopy treatments (preferably with photos).
You might also want to consider bringing in a mistress of mister depending on the situation -- preferably someone with a fetish for this situation. Following these simple tips can make your appointment both rewarding and satisfying and then you can flush those memories down the drain. Get it!
On other News, Tito Francona said that he was very excited about the team's future and felt that the month of September was the best yet for the team. Francona also added that LSD goes a long way in tough times.
David Ortiz stated that Alfredo Aceves should be a starter. Theo Epstein added that once David Ortiz knows how to run the bases he can consider managing the team. Until then run out ground balls, don't make stupid base running mistakes and stop looking like Rosanne on the basepaths.
Wow, things are getting tough in Boston! Until next time!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Red Sox News
Hello Red Sox fans. More news from around the world.
Manny and the Phone
Manny Ramirez is burning through his entire fortune in exhaustive phone calls to find someone who supports him. The latest batch didn't work out very well.
"What? Are you sure a big shot like yourself didn't create that TV series. I just figured you being so full of yourself....No! Look I'm sorry OK. I have no idea you didn't write the TV series Kung Fu. Like I said, let's move on here OK...but really are you sure you didn't do some technical advisement you know you people are good with fights and stuff? Hello?"
"Man I can't believe I offended the Dalai Lama. Thought he was supposed to be humble. "
"Ya, Manny Ramirez, all right. You think I'm cool. That's cool...hey are you related to Homer Simpson on the Simpsons since you two have the same last name...hello...hello.
"I can't believe I offended O.J. Simpson...this is depressing."
"Hello, ya, look I never said you were a crappy actor even though you are but that has nothing to do with what I'm calling about. Ya...hello!"
"Al Pachino...what a loser!"
I'm Bret!
Daniel's Denial
Daniel Bard praises the Red Sox and the support he received after the game. Daniel takes it in stride as he hung from Fisk Pole by his underwear most of the night while the team set his car on fire. Daniel had this to say in a very high squeaky voice.
"I...love the Red Sox....they are so nice to me..."
I'm Bret.
Fake Injuries
Thanks to an inside report, apparently all the so-called injuries on the Red Sox have to do with Debby the Hitwoman.
Bobby Jenks
I was new and wanted to fit in. Sox have a strange way of welcoming new people.
Dice-K
The entire team sort of cheered when we heard the ripping sound from my shoulder...I don't like the Red Sox no more.
Matt Albers
You know the team keeps trying to get me to see Debby but I've heard some stories man and right now I'm pitching at my peak so I don't want to risk it.
Jacobe
It was Scott Boras's idea. He said if I was crippled last year then this year if I tried at all I'll be drowning in money because this was the last year of my contract or something. I never understand this hard stuff. So Adrian and I faked a collision and when my rib healed Debby took care of it again with a sledgehammer. You're not gonna tell anyone this are you?
No problem Jacobe, you're secret it safe with me.
Manny and the Phone
Manny Ramirez is burning through his entire fortune in exhaustive phone calls to find someone who supports him. The latest batch didn't work out very well.
"What? Are you sure a big shot like yourself didn't create that TV series. I just figured you being so full of yourself....No! Look I'm sorry OK. I have no idea you didn't write the TV series Kung Fu. Like I said, let's move on here OK...but really are you sure you didn't do some technical advisement you know you people are good with fights and stuff? Hello?"
"Man I can't believe I offended the Dalai Lama. Thought he was supposed to be humble. "
"Ya, Manny Ramirez, all right. You think I'm cool. That's cool...hey are you related to Homer Simpson on the Simpsons since you two have the same last name...hello...hello.
"I can't believe I offended O.J. Simpson...this is depressing."
"Hello, ya, look I never said you were a crappy actor even though you are but that has nothing to do with what I'm calling about. Ya...hello!"
"Al Pachino...what a loser!"
I'm Bret!
Daniel's Denial
Daniel Bard praises the Red Sox and the support he received after the game. Daniel takes it in stride as he hung from Fisk Pole by his underwear most of the night while the team set his car on fire. Daniel had this to say in a very high squeaky voice.
"I...love the Red Sox....they are so nice to me..."
I'm Bret.
Fake Injuries
Thanks to an inside report, apparently all the so-called injuries on the Red Sox have to do with Debby the Hitwoman.
Bobby Jenks
I was new and wanted to fit in. Sox have a strange way of welcoming new people.
Dice-K
The entire team sort of cheered when we heard the ripping sound from my shoulder...I don't like the Red Sox no more.
Matt Albers
You know the team keeps trying to get me to see Debby but I've heard some stories man and right now I'm pitching at my peak so I don't want to risk it.
Jacobe
It was Scott Boras's idea. He said if I was crippled last year then this year if I tried at all I'll be drowning in money because this was the last year of my contract or something. I never understand this hard stuff. So Adrian and I faked a collision and when my rib healed Debby took care of it again with a sledgehammer. You're not gonna tell anyone this are you?
No problem Jacobe, you're secret it safe with me.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
News from Red Sox Nation
This is Bert from Red Sox nation. We're on top of things so you don't have to be. We're here to give you the news that counts.
Manny Gets Busted
Manny Ramirez has stated that a ton of friends are there for him to support him through his recent arrest in Florida.
"Well, I contacted Kevin Youkilis and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I slugged him in the back of the head. Ya, he's very unforgiving unlike myself. "
"Well, then I contacted Tito Francona and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I wouldn't play because of my bad left (or right) knee. He's also very unforgiving. Not like I could remember which one it was.
"Well, I contacted Joe Torre and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I failed a steroid test and whined and complained a lot and told him to [bleep] himself. That was very unprofessional of him...unlike myself of course. "
"Well, I then contacted Joe Madden and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I failed a steroid test and told him to [bleep] himself and then I quit. He's not very forgiving and that confuses me. "
"Well, then I contacted our loving Red Sox press manager. He told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I shoved him to the ground for a ticket issue. That was very upsetting to me so naturally I told him to [bleep] himself and told him the next time we meet I'll do more than a shove. I felt better but then I forgave myself for that transgression. I'm very forgiving. "
"Well, then I contacted Tim Wakefield and he told me to [bleep] himself. I think we were doing OK until I told him that his pitching [bleep] and I guess if you stick around long enough even someone with your talent can will 200. That didn't go over to well. "
This is Bert.
Denial is Healthy
Daniel Bard, who blew two critical games for the Red Sox is in complete denial and proud of it.
"I'm in complete denial. We lost despite my great pitching. It was all the moon's fault. Its aura is affecting my fastball. Just my opinion."
Daniel, who was once the next Jonathan Papelbon didn't admit to exhaustion or being overused. Instead he talked about reincarnation.
"I once dreamed I was Julian the Emperor of Rome fighting the Persians in a great battle that I eventually lost and got killed in and that told me I was once Julian the Roman Emperor. That doesn't like make me insane does it?"
Of course not. I'm Bert.
Tim Wakefield Gets 200 Wins
After trying eight or so times Tim Wakefield finally beat the Blue Jays to give the Red Sox the only win in what seems like years. Tim, who is really the greatest guy you will ever meet had this to say.
"So here I am celebrating and Manny Ramirez calls me all and tells me to [bleep] myself. Talk about a way to ruin an evening. "
I'm Bert.
Manny Gets Busted
Manny Ramirez has stated that a ton of friends are there for him to support him through his recent arrest in Florida.
"Well, I contacted Kevin Youkilis and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I slugged him in the back of the head. Ya, he's very unforgiving unlike myself. "
"Well, then I contacted Tito Francona and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I wouldn't play because of my bad left (or right) knee. He's also very unforgiving. Not like I could remember which one it was.
"Well, I contacted Joe Torre and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I failed a steroid test and whined and complained a lot and told him to [bleep] himself. That was very unprofessional of him...unlike myself of course. "
"Well, I then contacted Joe Madden and he told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I failed a steroid test and told him to [bleep] himself and then I quit. He's not very forgiving and that confuses me. "
"Well, then I contacted our loving Red Sox press manager. He told me to [bleep] myself. I couldn't believe that he remembered the time I shoved him to the ground for a ticket issue. That was very upsetting to me so naturally I told him to [bleep] himself and told him the next time we meet I'll do more than a shove. I felt better but then I forgave myself for that transgression. I'm very forgiving. "
"Well, then I contacted Tim Wakefield and he told me to [bleep] himself. I think we were doing OK until I told him that his pitching [bleep] and I guess if you stick around long enough even someone with your talent can will 200. That didn't go over to well. "
This is Bert.
Denial is Healthy
Daniel Bard, who blew two critical games for the Red Sox is in complete denial and proud of it.
"I'm in complete denial. We lost despite my great pitching. It was all the moon's fault. Its aura is affecting my fastball. Just my opinion."
Daniel, who was once the next Jonathan Papelbon didn't admit to exhaustion or being overused. Instead he talked about reincarnation.
"I once dreamed I was Julian the Emperor of Rome fighting the Persians in a great battle that I eventually lost and got killed in and that told me I was once Julian the Roman Emperor. That doesn't like make me insane does it?"
Of course not. I'm Bert.
Tim Wakefield Gets 200 Wins
After trying eight or so times Tim Wakefield finally beat the Blue Jays to give the Red Sox the only win in what seems like years. Tim, who is really the greatest guy you will ever meet had this to say.
"So here I am celebrating and Manny Ramirez calls me all and tells me to [bleep] myself. Talk about a way to ruin an evening. "
I'm Bert.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
What the Sox are thinking
SETTING:
The Bench of the Red Sox on Sunday after being destroyed by the Tampa Bay Rays. We are about to hear each and every thought of several Red Sox players in reaction to said game.
Tim Wakefield.
Matt Albers gave up another Grand Slam. Tito is on a mission to prove that Matt Albers is the Red Sox greatest pitcher despite reality. Will it take fifteen grand slams, a few hit batters and twenty five walks in a row before Tito sees reality? Albers is getting close to all of those goals and Tito is not gonna give up until Matt hits them all and then he'll probably sign with the Mets. They'll take anyone.
Adrian Gonsalez
I accepted a multi-million dollar contract -- for this? I bust my ass off for this? I could have accepted a multi-million dollar contract with the Mets. At least everyone knows the teams sticks. Hm, did they go bankrupt?
Carl Crawford
I can't believe this. I accept a multi-million dollar contract -- for this? This is a World Championship team? This team is crap. Ah, I should have stuck with the Mets. At least everyone knows the team stinks.
John Papelbon
And they wonder why I want out of Boston. I can smell the money and the championships coming. Forget the Yankees. Ya, when I sign with the New York Mets...watch out!
Jacobe Ellsbury
Man, glad I'm having a good season. Scott keeps telling me to keep my options open -- and do I ever want to do that now. I can see myself signing with the Mets. Now that's the team to beat! Ya, tons of money and ya don't even have to play well.
Jason Varitek
Doug Mirabelli -- he was the lucky one. He doesn't have to sit here and endure this. This is about the worst team in the league right now. Night after night of this...ah, I should have signed with the Mets.
Josh Beckett
[bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep] >Mets< [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep]
Tito Francona
I wonder if the Mets will sign me to a long term contract...after I prove that Matt Albers is the greatest pitcher of all time. He just needs more time. Ya, more time. Anyway, time for a nap.
zzzzzz
Mark Scutaro
Boy do I miss the Blue Jays. Things were great when I was playing with them. Ya know, next time I see myself as a Met...and I have no idea why I'm thinking Mets? Glad none of my other team mates are this stupid.
Daniel Bard
Now even I can't pitch well. What's wrong with me. It's like some sort of curse? I have to get out of this organization. Maybe the Mets will sign me in the morning.
Tito Francona
A grand slam by Albers. Wow, no matter what I try it isn't working. Now I have to walk out there and replace him. Unfortunately all I have are Felix and Dan Wheeler. Ya...oh boy time for a nap.zzzzzzzzzz. Mets...zzzzzzzzzzzz....Mets....zzzzzzzzzzzzz
J.D. Drew
Everything hurts. My finger, back, head, nose. If only I had signed with the Mets...things would have been different. Ya, the Mets.
Kevin Youkilis
[bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep] >Mets< [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep] >Mets< [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep]
The Bench of the Red Sox on Sunday after being destroyed by the Tampa Bay Rays. We are about to hear each and every thought of several Red Sox players in reaction to said game.
Tim Wakefield.
Matt Albers gave up another Grand Slam. Tito is on a mission to prove that Matt Albers is the Red Sox greatest pitcher despite reality. Will it take fifteen grand slams, a few hit batters and twenty five walks in a row before Tito sees reality? Albers is getting close to all of those goals and Tito is not gonna give up until Matt hits them all and then he'll probably sign with the Mets. They'll take anyone.
Adrian Gonsalez
I accepted a multi-million dollar contract -- for this? I bust my ass off for this? I could have accepted a multi-million dollar contract with the Mets. At least everyone knows the teams sticks. Hm, did they go bankrupt?
Carl Crawford
I can't believe this. I accept a multi-million dollar contract -- for this? This is a World Championship team? This team is crap. Ah, I should have stuck with the Mets. At least everyone knows the team stinks.
John Papelbon
And they wonder why I want out of Boston. I can smell the money and the championships coming. Forget the Yankees. Ya, when I sign with the New York Mets...watch out!
Jacobe Ellsbury
Man, glad I'm having a good season. Scott keeps telling me to keep my options open -- and do I ever want to do that now. I can see myself signing with the Mets. Now that's the team to beat! Ya, tons of money and ya don't even have to play well.
Jason Varitek
Doug Mirabelli -- he was the lucky one. He doesn't have to sit here and endure this. This is about the worst team in the league right now. Night after night of this...ah, I should have signed with the Mets.
Josh Beckett
[bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep] >Mets< [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep]
Tito Francona
I wonder if the Mets will sign me to a long term contract...after I prove that Matt Albers is the greatest pitcher of all time. He just needs more time. Ya, more time. Anyway, time for a nap.
zzzzzz
Mark Scutaro
Boy do I miss the Blue Jays. Things were great when I was playing with them. Ya know, next time I see myself as a Met...and I have no idea why I'm thinking Mets? Glad none of my other team mates are this stupid.
Daniel Bard
Now even I can't pitch well. What's wrong with me. It's like some sort of curse? I have to get out of this organization. Maybe the Mets will sign me in the morning.
Tito Francona
A grand slam by Albers. Wow, no matter what I try it isn't working. Now I have to walk out there and replace him. Unfortunately all I have are Felix and Dan Wheeler. Ya...oh boy time for a nap.zzzzzzzzzz. Mets...zzzzzzzzzzzz....Mets....zzzzzzzzzzzzz
J.D. Drew
Everything hurts. My finger, back, head, nose. If only I had signed with the Mets...things would have been different. Ya, the Mets.
Kevin Youkilis
[bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep] >Mets< [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep] >Mets< [bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep][bleep]
Friday, September 9, 2011
Fat Albert
(sung to the Fat Albert theme song)
Hey hey hey, it's FAT ALBERT...
And I'm gonna sing a song or two...
And Tito's gonna teach ya a thing or two.
"Hey that's not funny guys...I am NOT FAT"
We'll have some good times will Tito and all the gang,
learning from each other,
while we do our thing.
"Hey, this isn't funny guys...I am Albers...NOT ALBERT"
Na, na, na, gonna have a good time...HEY HEY HEY'
"Hey, not funny. I am not fat...ah, can someone pass me the double order of fries."
Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!
(Setting...a junkyard)
Hey everyone, Tito Francona here. "Fat Albert and the gang's gonna play a baseball game today but the gang's gonna soon learn that just because you love the game, don't mean you have a clue how to play it."
(Setting...the Fat Albert gang walking to the ball field.)
"Hey, I am not Fat guys...that's so not fair." shouted Fat Albert
"Albert, you're like a broken record!" snorted Fat Papi
"What's a record?"
"Can't even do a Fat Albert joke if ya don't know what a record is because when it gets scratched it always says the same thing but you can't know that because you don't know what a record is!" shouted Fat Papi.
"Hey, did you eat all my double chocolate candy bars with caramel!"
"Papi, you're like a dead car...you never get started...ah that don't make sense, "said Theo Epstein.
"Ow, man I hate nails. I got another injury to my barefoot foot because that stupid nail went in it. Why do I always get nails in my foot when I don't wear shoes."shouted Drew.
"Drew, you like a carpenter!"
"What, I'm always getting nailed?"
"That's what I hate about you Drew...you always spoil the stupid Fat Albert jokes!" shouted Mark ScatterThrow.
"Blah, blah, blah, blah..."
"I am so sick of Dice-K...always blah, blah, blah.!" shouted Drew.
"He's talking Japanese Dumb Drew." shouted Jason Varitek.
"Hey, ain't ya supposed to do a Fat Albert Joke?" shouted Morales.
"Ah, I can't think of one...I know...Drew you're like a carpenter...always getting screwed!"
"Hey we already said that joke sat Youk and it wasn't funny the first time..."
(Setting a junkyard).
"Ya know, I can't believe anybody actually finds any of this funny."
(Scene... ball field)
"OK, let's play some ball. Timmy...you start."
"Timmy, he's nothing but a fist."
"Hu?"
"You know he knuckles under?"
"Lackey stick to your day job of being a road..."
"Hu?"
"Yah, ya always getting run over!" shouted Jon Lester.
"Hey...are we going to [bleep] [bleep][bleep] a [bleep]..."said Beckett.
"Beckett, you're like a bad 70's TV show...always getting bleeped."
"Hey are we gonna get this game started or do I need to contact Scott Boras and tell him my contract's run out, "shouted Papelbon.
"I don't get it, "said Morales. "I throw strikes...that's what I do but you Papelbon are a Bionic Woman episode...you're always getting cancelled."
(setting...a junk yard)
"OK, it's obvious that they're not going to start a game because they're too busy with stupid one-liners and totally retarded jokes that don't even make any sense. How this show lasted over 10 years on the air, I'll never understand. "
(Setting Ball field)
"Tito, you're like the Emergency Broadcast System...you're always interrupting us."
"You know, if we played the game...instead of telling these stupid jokes...we might have more fun, "said Dustin Pedroia.
"Hey, I got one, "said Carl Crawford. "These three blondes are in a restaurant and they like get a puzzle and they say it took them two days and that made them very happy but the problem was that the puzzle said '3 - 5 years.' Get it."
"Carl, you're like an automatic out with a big paycheck...ah I don't get it, "said Drew.
(Setting...junk yard.)
"OK, so today the gang learned that cracking one liners is different than playing the game of baseball where its all a big joke and...ah roll the [bleeping] credits..."
Na, na. na, gonna have a good time...with Fat Albert
"Hey when do we ever have a good time with Albert. He's always blowing games!"
"Oh real funny guys...ha, ha, you're like ah...ah...ah... " said Fat Albert
Na, na. na, gonna have a good time!!!!
Hey hey hey, it's FAT ALBERT...
And I'm gonna sing a song or two...
And Tito's gonna teach ya a thing or two.
"Hey that's not funny guys...I am NOT FAT"
We'll have some good times will Tito and all the gang,
learning from each other,
while we do our thing.
"Hey, this isn't funny guys...I am Albers...NOT ALBERT"
Na, na, na, gonna have a good time...HEY HEY HEY'
"Hey, not funny. I am not fat...ah, can someone pass me the double order of fries."
Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!
(Setting...a junkyard)
Hey everyone, Tito Francona here. "Fat Albert and the gang's gonna play a baseball game today but the gang's gonna soon learn that just because you love the game, don't mean you have a clue how to play it."
(Setting...the Fat Albert gang walking to the ball field.)
"Hey, I am not Fat guys...that's so not fair." shouted Fat Albert
"Albert, you're like a broken record!" snorted Fat Papi
"What's a record?"
"Can't even do a Fat Albert joke if ya don't know what a record is because when it gets scratched it always says the same thing but you can't know that because you don't know what a record is!" shouted Fat Papi.
"Hey, did you eat all my double chocolate candy bars with caramel!"
"Papi, you're like a dead car...you never get started...ah that don't make sense, "said Theo Epstein.
"Ow, man I hate nails. I got another injury to my barefoot foot because that stupid nail went in it. Why do I always get nails in my foot when I don't wear shoes."shouted Drew.
"Drew, you like a carpenter!"
"What, I'm always getting nailed?"
"That's what I hate about you Drew...you always spoil the stupid Fat Albert jokes!" shouted Mark ScatterThrow.
"Blah, blah, blah, blah..."
"I am so sick of Dice-K...always blah, blah, blah.!" shouted Drew.
"He's talking Japanese Dumb Drew." shouted Jason Varitek.
"Hey, ain't ya supposed to do a Fat Albert Joke?" shouted Morales.
"Ah, I can't think of one...I know...Drew you're like a carpenter...always getting screwed!"
"Hey we already said that joke sat Youk and it wasn't funny the first time..."
(Setting a junkyard).
"Ya know, I can't believe anybody actually finds any of this funny."
(Scene... ball field)
"OK, let's play some ball. Timmy...you start."
"Timmy, he's nothing but a fist."
"Hu?"
"You know he knuckles under?"
"Lackey stick to your day job of being a road..."
"Hu?"
"Yah, ya always getting run over!" shouted Jon Lester.
"Hey...are we going to [bleep] [bleep][bleep] a [bleep]..."said Beckett.
"Beckett, you're like a bad 70's TV show...always getting bleeped."
"Hey are we gonna get this game started or do I need to contact Scott Boras and tell him my contract's run out, "shouted Papelbon.
"I don't get it, "said Morales. "I throw strikes...that's what I do but you Papelbon are a Bionic Woman episode...you're always getting cancelled."
(setting...a junk yard)
"OK, it's obvious that they're not going to start a game because they're too busy with stupid one-liners and totally retarded jokes that don't even make any sense. How this show lasted over 10 years on the air, I'll never understand. "
(Setting Ball field)
"Tito, you're like the Emergency Broadcast System...you're always interrupting us."
"You know, if we played the game...instead of telling these stupid jokes...we might have more fun, "said Dustin Pedroia.
"Hey, I got one, "said Carl Crawford. "These three blondes are in a restaurant and they like get a puzzle and they say it took them two days and that made them very happy but the problem was that the puzzle said '3 - 5 years.' Get it."
"Carl, you're like an automatic out with a big paycheck...ah I don't get it, "said Drew.
(Setting...junk yard.)
"OK, so today the gang learned that cracking one liners is different than playing the game of baseball where its all a big joke and...ah roll the [bleeping] credits..."
Na, na. na, gonna have a good time...with Fat Albert
"Hey when do we ever have a good time with Albert. He's always blowing games!"
"Oh real funny guys...ha, ha, you're like ah...ah...ah... " said Fat Albert
Na, na. na, gonna have a good time!!!!
Monday, September 5, 2011
911's Area Code
Theo Epstein was examining and trying out his new gorilla suit. What a wonder of modern design he thought as he slipped it on and starred at himself in the mirror. He felt...
"Theo, I thought we talked about the gorilla suit..."
Theo twisted around and starred at his boss John Henry through the slits in the suit. John shook his head in disgust.
"Is that a gun?"
"Oh, "said Theo gingerly picking it up. "Yup, yup, ah yes sir. Old World War I gun...with trigger action and..."
"You with a loaded gun...that's not good."
"Relax, "said Theo. "It's not like its loaded. I picked it up on Ebay. Thought I'd collect some antiques myself. "
"Now that you've wrecked mine I see."
If only Theo had not aimed the gun at John Henry while making that revelation. If only Theo would have reacted in time as the blast of gun powder blazed through the air. However, Theo did not and witnessed John crashing on the ground.
"You...idiot..." cried John as the bullet struck his shoulder. "Moron, "cried John as his body struck the ground. "Stupid, "cried John as he looked up at Theo's face.
"Oh, no, "cried Theo. "oh, no...it was loaded..."
"Get...help."
Of course thought Theo. What a fool he was. He ran to the phone. He couldn't think of the number. He called 411.
"Hello 411 what city please..."
"Ah...Boston...ya..."
"What?"
"Boston..."
"I can't understand you sir. You sound like you're in a gorilla suit."
Theo promptly threw off the mask.
"Yes, I need the number for emergency."
"That's...911 sir. I can connect you..."
Before Theo could do that he dropped the phone and promptly started to dial the number. In the background John Henry could be heard throwing curses in the air.
"Oh crap...911...what's the area code?"
Theo called back 411 desperate for an answer.
"411...what city..."
"Boston..."
"How may I help you."
"What's the area code of Boston?"
"617...and what number..."
Theo quickly hung up the phone. He dialed 617 911 and waited. In the meantime John's tones were becoming fainter by the second. The curses that John spat out were less vociferous in nature.
"It's not working....crap it's not working."
Theo hung up in panic. He dialed 617 911-9119 desperate to get an idea.
"Hello."
"I need help...my boss has been shot."
"What is this? Call 911, what ya bugging me for."
"I'm trying but I don't know the number. Help me!"
A long pause followed.
"Is this Candid Camera or something?"
"No, I need the number for 911 to call for help."
"It's 911..."
"I tried. I dialed 617 911 and it doesn't work."
Theo could hear howling laughter in the background.
"Just...no wait, is this a reality TV show. OK now I know what's next. What's the questions I'm asked? OK...ah...hello?"
'No, I'm Theo Epstein..."
A long pause followed.
"Shut up. You ain't no Theo Epstein so really, what's my prize!"
"No, no..." said Theo trying to act confident. In the background Henry's breathing was becoming labored. Theo was so panicked he hung up and ran to John.
"I tried John, I really did but there is no way to dial 911."
Theo felt his throat being choked and a smile grew on John's lips. Already his life signs were starting to return to normal.
"Just..." cried John.
Theo's head shook to the left.
"Dial..." cried John.
Theo's head swung to the right.
"9-1-1." cried John.
Theo nodded.
"I tried..."
Theo's head struck the desk.
"Dial...9......1........1"
Theo nodded. He ran back to the desk stepping over John's wounded shoulder. The scream could have cracked glass. He paused as the scream ran through the room.
"Oh, I get it. You dial 911!"
Theo punched in the numbers. He felt so proud.
"911 what is your emergency."
"Oh thank goodness. I've been trying to reach you guys forever. I dial 617 911 and then I dial 617 911-9119 and nothing!"
"Sir...what is the nature of the emergency and who's that screaming."
"Oh ya, I just shot my boss...but he's OK."
Theo heard nothing for several seconds...
"Just stay right where you are. We're going to take care of the situation...oh are you Theo Epstein?"
"Ya, "said Theo.
"Theo...did you shoot John Henry...again. Oh what are we going to do with you. Now relax and tell us where you are."
Theo hung up and walked over to John Henry,
"They're sending help John. They just need to know where we are. "
Theo nodded and sat down satisfied that help was on the way. They just needed to know where they were. For some reason Theo had a nagging feeling he forgot something but then he remembered. He needed a quart of milk at the store. He ran out in a hurry. The store was closing at 5:00 pm.
"Theo, I thought we talked about the gorilla suit..."
Theo twisted around and starred at his boss John Henry through the slits in the suit. John shook his head in disgust.
"Is that a gun?"
"Oh, "said Theo gingerly picking it up. "Yup, yup, ah yes sir. Old World War I gun...with trigger action and..."
"You with a loaded gun...that's not good."
"Relax, "said Theo. "It's not like its loaded. I picked it up on Ebay. Thought I'd collect some antiques myself. "
"Now that you've wrecked mine I see."
If only Theo had not aimed the gun at John Henry while making that revelation. If only Theo would have reacted in time as the blast of gun powder blazed through the air. However, Theo did not and witnessed John crashing on the ground.
"You...idiot..." cried John as the bullet struck his shoulder. "Moron, "cried John as his body struck the ground. "Stupid, "cried John as he looked up at Theo's face.
"Oh, no, "cried Theo. "oh, no...it was loaded..."
"Get...help."
Of course thought Theo. What a fool he was. He ran to the phone. He couldn't think of the number. He called 411.
"Hello 411 what city please..."
"Ah...Boston...ya..."
"What?"
"Boston..."
"I can't understand you sir. You sound like you're in a gorilla suit."
Theo promptly threw off the mask.
"Yes, I need the number for emergency."
"That's...911 sir. I can connect you..."
Before Theo could do that he dropped the phone and promptly started to dial the number. In the background John Henry could be heard throwing curses in the air.
"Oh crap...911...what's the area code?"
Theo called back 411 desperate for an answer.
"411...what city..."
"Boston..."
"How may I help you."
"What's the area code of Boston?"
"617...and what number..."
Theo quickly hung up the phone. He dialed 617 911 and waited. In the meantime John's tones were becoming fainter by the second. The curses that John spat out were less vociferous in nature.
"It's not working....crap it's not working."
Theo hung up in panic. He dialed 617 911-9119 desperate to get an idea.
"Hello."
"I need help...my boss has been shot."
"What is this? Call 911, what ya bugging me for."
"I'm trying but I don't know the number. Help me!"
A long pause followed.
"Is this Candid Camera or something?"
"No, I need the number for 911 to call for help."
"It's 911..."
"I tried. I dialed 617 911 and it doesn't work."
Theo could hear howling laughter in the background.
"Just...no wait, is this a reality TV show. OK now I know what's next. What's the questions I'm asked? OK...ah...hello?"
'No, I'm Theo Epstein..."
A long pause followed.
"Shut up. You ain't no Theo Epstein so really, what's my prize!"
"No, no..." said Theo trying to act confident. In the background Henry's breathing was becoming labored. Theo was so panicked he hung up and ran to John.
"I tried John, I really did but there is no way to dial 911."
Theo felt his throat being choked and a smile grew on John's lips. Already his life signs were starting to return to normal.
"Just..." cried John.
Theo's head shook to the left.
"Dial..." cried John.
Theo's head swung to the right.
"9-1-1." cried John.
Theo nodded.
"I tried..."
Theo's head struck the desk.
"Dial...9......1........1"
Theo nodded. He ran back to the desk stepping over John's wounded shoulder. The scream could have cracked glass. He paused as the scream ran through the room.
"Oh, I get it. You dial 911!"
Theo punched in the numbers. He felt so proud.
"911 what is your emergency."
"Oh thank goodness. I've been trying to reach you guys forever. I dial 617 911 and then I dial 617 911-9119 and nothing!"
"Sir...what is the nature of the emergency and who's that screaming."
"Oh ya, I just shot my boss...but he's OK."
Theo heard nothing for several seconds...
"Just stay right where you are. We're going to take care of the situation...oh are you Theo Epstein?"
"Ya, "said Theo.
"Theo...did you shoot John Henry...again. Oh what are we going to do with you. Now relax and tell us where you are."
Theo hung up and walked over to John Henry,
"They're sending help John. They just need to know where we are. "
Theo nodded and sat down satisfied that help was on the way. They just needed to know where they were. For some reason Theo had a nagging feeling he forgot something but then he remembered. He needed a quart of milk at the store. He ran out in a hurry. The store was closing at 5:00 pm.
THE END
The Gorilla Suit
Theo Epstein sat amidst the chaos of John Henry's busy office. Papers were everywhere and John Henry's hair, normally in place, was frazzled as he starred at his intrepid and often hapless manager.
"So, been doing any shopping lately?"
John's smile was so wry that Theo simply tapped his fingers on his desk before leaning back and trying to look relaxed. It might have helped if Theo didn't tip the chair over sending himself and the chair to the ground.
"No...don't think so...sir, "said Theo.
As Theo scrambled to recover and get his back and chair into position again John was swinging his head back and forth like a pendulum.
"You know Theo, that pitcher for Oakland...we own him. I mean the Sox can pound him into the ground. I mean we own him. "
"Yes sir, "said Theo sitting down and crossing his leg, which inadvertently knocked John's once-priceless vase on the floor. Theo watched it slowly fall to the ground and explode. John wasn't too far behind the vase.
"Yet apparently this morning, "snapped John slowly raising his voice and body at the same time, "we really do own him!"
Theo felt the sweat drip down his neck like a leaky faucet.
"Well you know..."
John was now sitting down again. He sighed and turned towards the floor.
"You haven't been wearing the gorilla suit again...in public, "said John.
"No sir..." said Theo with confidence.
"Good because the last time you did it we have a whopping contract with Julio Lugnuts..."
"Lugo...sir."
John leaned down and starred him in the face.
"L-U-G-N-U-T-S".
"Lugnuts...got it sir."
John walked over and started picking up the pieces of his vase.
"Sorry Theo, just a little tense these days...with a promised World Series ring going down the drain faster than Fat Albert and Felix the Cat."
"Right, "said Theo smiling again. He stretched his belly exposing the Star Trek shirt underneath his coat.
"I knew it, "screamed John pulling up the sweater, "the last time you wore a Star Trek shirt we had a whopping contract with J.D. Dope. Now why can't you wear the red one! The guys who wear the red ones always get killed in the original series. It's been my dream Theo. Every time I watch the original series I dream its you in those red uniforms so for the love of baseball give me liberty Theo or give me your death. "
"Ah sir, it's Drew..."
"D-O-P-E. "
Theo was so nervous that when he swung his leg he kicked the glass of the table sending it across the room smashing into a priceless painting of George Washington.
"Sorry Theo, I forgot to child-proof the room...again. I should have known better. First the world was deprived of a priceless Dead Sea Scrolls document and now the world will be without one more George Washington painting and a priceless vase from Greece!"
"I didn't...wear...the Gorilla...suit...sir."
John sat down again. Theo noticed a small tear. He reached over to grab the tissue spilling the boiling hot coffee on John's chest. A slight eruption in pain came off of John's face.
"That really hurt...I just wanted you to know that Theo...."
Theo sat down again, tipped back and sent his chair onto the ground.
"I'd help you Theo but I have second degree burns on my skin that require immediate medical attention...excuse me while I call an ambulance as well as my shrink. I think I need another session. "
"No problem sir, "said Theo feeling a ripple of pain down his back. I understand. You know sir, too bad we don't have Dice-K. We really needed that arm this year..."
Theo waited for a response.
"Excuse me Theo...I just need to get my gun out. Betsy's been hungry for a shooting...now where do you want it?"
Theo closed his eyes and thought of the gorilla suit...which gave him a great trade idea. He pondered the idea of Adrian Gonsalez and Jacobe Ellsbury for Adam LaRouche. That surely would calm John's nerves especially if he wore the gorilla suit! Nevertheless as John got up, frazzled, coffee burns on his chest, a priceless vase destroyed, a priceless George Washington painting destroyed and a convenient target that gave John an almost insane smile, Theo realized he had other things on his mind.
"So, been doing any shopping lately?"
John's smile was so wry that Theo simply tapped his fingers on his desk before leaning back and trying to look relaxed. It might have helped if Theo didn't tip the chair over sending himself and the chair to the ground.
"No...don't think so...sir, "said Theo.
As Theo scrambled to recover and get his back and chair into position again John was swinging his head back and forth like a pendulum.
"You know Theo, that pitcher for Oakland...we own him. I mean the Sox can pound him into the ground. I mean we own him. "
"Yes sir, "said Theo sitting down and crossing his leg, which inadvertently knocked John's once-priceless vase on the floor. Theo watched it slowly fall to the ground and explode. John wasn't too far behind the vase.
"Yet apparently this morning, "snapped John slowly raising his voice and body at the same time, "we really do own him!"
Theo felt the sweat drip down his neck like a leaky faucet.
"Well you know..."
John was now sitting down again. He sighed and turned towards the floor.
"You haven't been wearing the gorilla suit again...in public, "said John.
"No sir..." said Theo with confidence.
"Good because the last time you did it we have a whopping contract with Julio Lugnuts..."
"Lugo...sir."
John leaned down and starred him in the face.
"L-U-G-N-U-T-S".
"Lugnuts...got it sir."
John walked over and started picking up the pieces of his vase.
"Sorry Theo, just a little tense these days...with a promised World Series ring going down the drain faster than Fat Albert and Felix the Cat."
"Right, "said Theo smiling again. He stretched his belly exposing the Star Trek shirt underneath his coat.
"I knew it, "screamed John pulling up the sweater, "the last time you wore a Star Trek shirt we had a whopping contract with J.D. Dope. Now why can't you wear the red one! The guys who wear the red ones always get killed in the original series. It's been my dream Theo. Every time I watch the original series I dream its you in those red uniforms so for the love of baseball give me liberty Theo or give me your death. "
"Ah sir, it's Drew..."
"D-O-P-E. "
Theo was so nervous that when he swung his leg he kicked the glass of the table sending it across the room smashing into a priceless painting of George Washington.
"Sorry Theo, I forgot to child-proof the room...again. I should have known better. First the world was deprived of a priceless Dead Sea Scrolls document and now the world will be without one more George Washington painting and a priceless vase from Greece!"
"I didn't...wear...the Gorilla...suit...sir."
John sat down again. Theo noticed a small tear. He reached over to grab the tissue spilling the boiling hot coffee on John's chest. A slight eruption in pain came off of John's face.
"That really hurt...I just wanted you to know that Theo...."
Theo sat down again, tipped back and sent his chair onto the ground.
"I'd help you Theo but I have second degree burns on my skin that require immediate medical attention...excuse me while I call an ambulance as well as my shrink. I think I need another session. "
"No problem sir, "said Theo feeling a ripple of pain down his back. I understand. You know sir, too bad we don't have Dice-K. We really needed that arm this year..."
Theo waited for a response.
"Excuse me Theo...I just need to get my gun out. Betsy's been hungry for a shooting...now where do you want it?"
Theo closed his eyes and thought of the gorilla suit...which gave him a great trade idea. He pondered the idea of Adrian Gonsalez and Jacobe Ellsbury for Adam LaRouche. That surely would calm John's nerves especially if he wore the gorilla suit! Nevertheless as John got up, frazzled, coffee burns on his chest, a priceless vase destroyed, a priceless George Washington painting destroyed and a convenient target that gave John an almost insane smile, Theo realized he had other things on his mind.
THE END
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
