Sunday, October 23, 2011

Welcome to Chicago Theo

Thanks Arnie for this one!!!!



Theo Epstein breathed in the salty air of Lake Michigan -- until he realized it was a fresh water lake and he was inside so he couldn't smell the outside -- and sat down on the chair. He then moved the chair over to the window. The money...the money.

"Sir, you busy?"

"No Arnie, come on in. "

Arnie, the passionate cook and restaurant owner sat down with a notepad. Theo leaned against the desk and dropped his feet on the desk.

"Arnie, how is it I spent $450 million over the past three years, put the Red Sox in third place and still Chicago hires me at 18 million. "

"Well sir, the Cubs have been called the Mets of the Midwest."

"No matter, " said Theo. "What have you got for me today Arnie!"

" "Let's see, "said Arnie. "A double keg cooler, extra large, with a tap for the clubhouse and another for the dugout..."

"The beer?"

"Bud light?"

"Curses, "said Theo. "This is the Cubs. We live in style."

"Rolling Rock?"

"Much better. "

"OK, " said Arnie. "A deep fryer, a flat top grill, pizza oven. Nothing fancy, no saute' station or garde manger setup. Of course, the big expense should be and will be the hood and Ansul system, but hey, it's worth it. "

"So far so good! What's an Ansul system?"

"How did you graduate from Harvard and not know this?"

"They don't call me Elmer Epstein for nothin'."

"And you're proud of that....OK."

Arnie paused and composed himself.

"Now we're taking out the fried chicken and beer from the clubhouse and upgrading it to include some nicer dishes that reflect your good taste. So I think a nice Cubs Clubhouse Brunch is in order: Eggs Benedict, Smoked Trout and goat cheese Omelet, Clams Casino, Grape and Fennel Focaccia, Blintzes, Lox and Bagel plate..... Mimosas, Champagne and Chambord, Red Beer. Bloody Mary.........and my signature Chocolate Truffles, Key Lime Pie, Creme Brulee, heck, maybe I'll spring for Baked Alaska..."

"Arnie, I think I wet my pants."

"You can keep that to yourself Theo."

"OK."
Just then Lugo walked in and started to plaster Red Sox wallpaper on the windows."

"Good job Lugo."

"Yes sir."

Arnie shook his head in confusion and Theo laughed.

"Why Arnie, what confuses you about me."

"That would take to long to explain and my $2 million dollar salary isn't enough to make me explain it. "

"Suit yourself -- get it...suit yourself?"

"Not really?"

Theo got up and walked to the window before slamming into it.

"Dammit Lugo. I can't tell when I hit a window unless you paper it with Red Sox wallpaper. Hurry up."

"Sorry boss...trying my best."

"I heard, "said Arnie, "that you're making Drew the team doctor. Good choice."

"Yes, "said Theo. "Drew knows more about ailments than anyone else. Vertigo, pulled muscles, spasms, bad teeth and hairstyles, broken fingernails, cuts bruises, back problems -- his specialty by the way. I am sure that within a few weeks the DL will be filled with his patients. I just hope Chicago has deep pockets...ha.ha.ha..ha.'

Arnie shook his head as the hysterical laughter of Theo filled the room.

"OK, enough of that. I've appointed Gagne as team manager and John Lackey -- if I can convince Chicago of this -- to be the pitching coach. Yes Arnie, the great ruler of baseball will take Chicago and put them in the World Series as victors next year. Yes I will."

"Seriously???"

"Na, "said Theo. "They'll be lucky if they get into fourth place for the next ten years. "

"Whew, "said Arnie. "You were scaring me for a second there."

"OK that will be it for now. Have a good day Arnie."

"You too Theo."

Arnie walked out as Theo felt wet wallpaper stick to his back.

"The window Lugnuts, the window."

"Not the computer you idiot. I'm not talking Windows, I'm talking the Window."

"Yes sir."

Theo shook his head and wiped the wallpaper paste off his back. He sat down and fell asleep.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

John Henry and the Kitty

John Henry, drained and beaten, after a long day at work, plodded into his house and crashed on the couch. He only moved when he saw the strange fury creature stroll past him.

"Honey, is that a cat?"

"A gift from Tito John. Wasn't that nice? After all he does consider us family. Isn't she sweet? Look at that gorgeous gray hair. "

"Yes, "said John who watched as the cat scampered away as he reached to pet her.

"Tito said,
Dear John. After all you did for me, this is the least I can do for you. Ten minutes with this cat will change you forever. Love Tito"

John got up and tried to follow the cat sat at the door.

MEOWWWWWWWWWW

John almost fell to the floor. His ears rang with pain. "Oh s-t, "cried John. "That is the worst whine I've ever heard in a cat. I think I'm gonna be sick."

MEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

"John, relax...I think it just wants to go out. Open the door."

John reacted and pushed the door open against the cold New England night and watched as the cat run out.
Kitty ran out.

"John, that whine...I never heard something so revolting. "

John rubbed his ears trying to get feeling back in them.

"Agony dear. Just agony."

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

"John I think the cat wants to come back in."

"Don't let him. He'll just whine again!"

"MEWWWWWWWWWWWW...MEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW"

"John open the door while we have time!"

John opened the door and felt the blast of New England Air blow past him. He watched the cat run past him.
Kitty ran in.

"MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"John he wants to go out the front door now. Hurry..."

John ran frantically to the front door crashing into walls and smashing a lamp.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

He ran to the door.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

He ripped the door open.

Kitty went out.

"John, I can't bear that cat. No matter how beautiful it looks...beer, let's get him beer."

"We can't. If the press catches me with beer they'll tear me in two."

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"John, he can't possibly want to come in again. He's only been out a minute. "

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in

The cat ran past him and to the back door.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"Oh my goodness John. All it does is go in and out."

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"Out...have to let him out, "cried John.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went out

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went out

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went out.

Hour after hour this continued with endless whining. Later that night as the family rested in bed, John was red eyed and blurry with confusion. His wife sat next to him meowing lightly. The clock was 2:32 am.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in (2:33 am)

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went out (2:40 am)

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in (2:45 am)

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in (3:00 am)

"John we have to do something...while my mind can function."

"Yes, kill the cat!"

"John no...the press. Think of the press. "

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in (3:o5 am)

...

The next morning John picked up the phone. He could barely talk.

"John Tito here...how's that cat working out for you?"

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went in.
John hung up the phone.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty went out. John collapsed on the floor.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

John crawled to the door. He smashed it and let the air blow in. The cat stood there and whined. John grabbed the cat and pushed it outside. Now the cat whined continuously as it went in and out the door.

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"

Kitty go in, Kitty go out, Kitty go in. Kitty go out. Kitty go in. Kitty go out.

It was only then that John collapsed and fell asleep.

TWO DAYS LATER

John Lackey rested on his couch and drank a beer while chowing on fried chicken.

"Honey look. A gift from John Henry...a cat."

John smiled and said, "well, I guess John Henry loves me after all.'

"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"


THE END

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Detective's Finest

"Hello?"

The knock on the door brought caution to the homeowners' face. She starred down the three quirky fellows dressed in what looked like 1940's detective suits bought from a thrift shop.

"Mam, do you know anything about baseball?"

The homeowner shook her head.

"Good. My name is Julio Lugo...detective Julio Lugo and this is my team J.D. Drew and Eric Gagne. We're Florida's finest detectives."

"Ow...this hurts." cried Drew who was rubbing his finger.

"Don't mind him. He's always in pain."

"OK...but I wasn't robbed of anything. That's the next street over."

Before she could react the three poured into her home. Three large boxes of powdered donuts were being slowly consumed by Detective Gagne who kept slamming into things knocking over items as he walked along and leaving foot prints of donut powder like a trail through the house.

"Don't mind Gagne, he can't see very well without his bottle glasses. "

"Really, I'm fine..." said Gagne.

She watched as a large vase crashed to the ground.

"What are you doing!"

"Just checking to see if your stolen property...ah...was in the vase, "said Gagne.

"You are getting powder from those blasted donuts all over my home."

"Mam, " shouted Gagne. "I am DUSTING for PRINTS."

"No you're eating the prints...now will you please leave. I have no need for detectives.'

Lugo invaded her space and moved in closer starring up at her.

"Mam, there has been a crime committed here. "

"Yes and I'm looking at it!" cried the homeowner.

Lugo turned towards his detectives.

"Gagne, did you check upstairs for the stolen property."

"What stolen property...I haven't been robbed...yet!" shouted the homeowner.

"Yup.' said Gagne spraying donut powder all over the walls as he talked. The fine film reflected against the sunlight of the room.

"Drew, did you check under the couch for the stolen property."

'Yup, "said Drew in between tears as he apparently sprained his neck starring under the couch. "Nothing here Lugo."

Lugo gave off an impression of utter frustration.

"Our best efforts for nothing. Well, I'm out of ideas, "said Lugo throwing his hands in the air.

"Enough... if you three do not leave the house I am calling the police."

"Mam, we are the police, "said Lugo before he grabbed another donut and started chowing on it. Lemon creme filling dripped down his face. Lugo wiped it up and smeared it on the wall.

"What are you doing!"

"I am making a crime scene. That's...like...ah...yellow tape you know."

"I have had enough. Get out! Get out!"

"Wait, "shouted Drew. " I found a knife in the kitchen and it has blood on it!"

"Ah ha!" shouted Lugo. "How did it get there."

"Oh, I forgot, I just cut myself on it. Wow does it hurt. Owww."

Lugo shook his head.

"That's it I am calling the police."

"I found it."

As the homeowner ran towards the phone, Gagne pulled on the vacuum cleaner cord which unfortunately was held so high in the air so the homeowner crashed right into it and fell hard on the floor.

"This ain't good, "said Gagne.

"Hey anyone got bandages, "cried Drew. "The more I try to stop the bleeding the more it seems to bleed. "

"Will someone call an ambulance. You idiots sprained my ankle."

"One minute mam. First we need to take this fingerprint powder and spray it over the house. We'll use your vacuum cleaner in reverse. In seconds we'll know who the culprit is!"

"NOOOOO"

Within a second a find mist of powder poured all over the house. As the dust cleared coughing could be heard everywhere. The three detectives waved their hands in the air trying to cope with the powder.

"Can anybody see any fingerprints!"

"Somebody open some windows.." shouted Gagne.

"Get the fan...I'll blow it out." shouted Drew.

Lugo grabbed a large fan spraying dust through the air.

"I know, I'll light a fire so we can see, "cried Drew.

"Are you an idiot, "screamed Lugo. "Use a propane torch. That'll generate light...and hurry."

Drew ignored the please of Lugo and soon a large fire poured through the house. Lugo, Drew and Gagne ran out of the house carrying the homeowner.

She got up and starred at the house.

"Stupid Drew...use a gas heater. I told you to use a gas heater. Now we have to figure out who burned the house down and sprained this woman's fine ankle."

Drew and Gagne sat there and munched on donuts.

"We should start in the basement. Could find a clue there." said Gagne spraying donut powder in the wind.

Lugo agreed. The homeowner just starred at them all and shook her head.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Mike Lowell and Ellen

Mike sat comfortably in his psychiatrist's office with a gleaming and heartfelt smile that he had not done in a long time. His doctor, who sat down on the chair, watched him intently,

"Mike, I haven't seen you this happy in a long time. Did you finally take my advice and take a vacation. "

Mike, who folded his hands together nodded and said, "you know after retiring from baseball and taking on a radio show -- I was just depressed but then something happened to me that changed everything."

"I can't wait to hear it."

"It all started simple enough. I was doing my radio show -- which I hated -- but it gave me something to do -- when out of the blue, this person calls up. I mean, so what right! Well, I hear her breathing on the phone. I could tell she was nervous and I kind of sighed. I got one word out of her though. Hi. "

Mike paused and smiled.

"That hi meant everything to me. I mean...I was almost in tears when I heard that."

Mike's psychiatrist nodded with a confused look on his face. "uh-hu, "he said.

"No really. This went on for a week. She would call in, sputter and stumble and then say hi. Every day my heart filled with happiness at that moment. I knew it was Ellen."

"Ellen? She just said...hi."

"Yup."

"Mike are you on any medication?"

"Come on, "laughed Mike. "This woman changed my life but it wasn't the hi that was it. It was the food. She's one hell of a cook."

"Oh, "said the doctor. "I see. "

"Ya, "said Mike who leaned back and starred into the memory of the first taste of her food. "

"One day she had enough courage to email me one of her favorite dishes. I tried it out and I gotta tell ya. When I took that first bite of her Meatloaf....I began to understand why life was so precious to me and why I needed to live it to the fullest."

Mike's psychiatrist leaned forward unable to speak. "OK, let me understand this right. You found the meaning of life...from meatloaf?"

"I like to call it Ellen-Loaf but ya, it changed me. When I first bit that meatloaf covered in worchester sauce, I just felt like Washington, the day he defeated the British and signed the peace treaty to end the Revolutionary War. It was that profound."

"Mike, are you sure we don't need to get you on some medication?"

Mike laughed and smiled with a gleam out of a toothpaste commercial.

"Come on...I'm fine but there's more. Lots more!"

"OK, "said the psychiatrist.

Mike leaned forward giddy with excitement.

"I felt lost after the end of my career. I felt really lost. I mean I wasn't Mike Lowell anymore. Baseball was my life but one call on the show from dear, sweet, loving Ellen who told me about a two for one sale with an online coupon at Sears on Polo Shirts...the tears that flowed down my face... you can't imagine the feeling I had. When she told me that, I knew I had to go on living. I knew I had a purpose in life. I mean, when Neal Armstrong stepped on the moon, until she told me about that coupon and special...I couldn't even imagine what Neal felt...now I do."

"Mike...are you insane!"

"I am not insane...come on. It was a special from Sears and let me tell you those shirts are so comfortable and I saved so much money. In addition I did it between the hours of 1:00 am and 3:00 am so I saved an additional 10%. It was like I got them for free but would I have had this happen were it not for loving, tender, warm Ellen -- I don't think so!"

"OK Mike, "said the doctor. "I really think a new regiment of medication will be very helpful to you at this point."

"Come on...oh did I tell you about what Ellen did for me."

"Must you?"

"Come on. Did you know that I needed a good heartwarming cry. I did and Ellen told me about this amazing show from the 60's. It's called Gilligan's..I cry every episode. This moving series about seven people trapped on an island...those poor people. If they would only kill Gilligan and...but they have such love for him. This series has such complexity and depth. It's so moving to me...what love and compassion they have for each other. It reminded me that friendship and love are what makes life worth living."

Mike's open tears dripped on his Sear's polo shirt but he didn't care. He grabbed a hankerchief that he got at Sears on the buy one get one free special...Ellen -- every time I wipe my eyes I think of you thought Mike.

"Mike, I'm going to schedule for Electro Shock Treatment but is there anything else."

"Ya, "cried Mike. "Ellen... she emailed me...she told me about season tickets for the Rays available at the Grocery store with purchase of fifteen boxes of Chex and twenty five boxes of Orville popcorn and fifty bottles of Excedrin and I got a free cowbell. I love her...Ellen is all that matters to me now..."

Mike wiped his eyes.

"Can we finish this later. I need to get home and make some Pork Fried Bacon Bits. I need to feel Ellen in my heart and that dish always...gets to me..."

'OK Mike, I'm going to call the men in white coats and you're going to go with them..."

Mike sighed and smiled.

"Have you ever tried a...Twinkie..."

The doctor silently called 911.

Mike picked up the phone. I have to call Ellen...tell her about my day. Mike waited and smiled as the phone rang.

"hello?"

"Ellen, Mike Lowell..."

'Mike...I'm at work now...can this wait?"

"I can't Ellen...I can't."

" Mike, you've got to learn to live on your own...without me! Stop this incessant calling!"

"Ellen...this is Mike Lowell...you're friend...you're..."

"Mike...get a hold of yourself. It's bad enough that Tim Wakefield calls me for physical exercise tips, Terry Francona needs my therapy, Theo Epstein needs my math help, John Henry needs my help on Calculus, David Ortiz needs my help on physical training, Adrian Gonsalez needs my help on religious matters, Jason Varitek needs help on affordable life insurance, Carl Crawford needs my help on self confidence and to top it all off, J.D. Drew keeps calling me on pain management. I've had enough. I only have so many hours in a day. I am not the Red Sox therapist!"

"Ellen..."

"No Mike..it's over. I can't take the time. Jonathan Papelbon really needs my help right now on discovering that the Smurfs are not real and that he has not been butt probed by aliens from Mars. That is consuming a lot of my time. It ain't easy!"

"OK Ellen but..."

"No butts Mike...ha no pun intended...anyway I have to go. I'm dealing with Ozzie of the White Sox and anger management lessons. So far I've gotten him to avoid burning down his house. I've got to go."

Mike hung up the phone and sighed.

"Ellen is the best!"

THE END

Friday, October 7, 2011

John Henry's Interview

John Henry gave an interview on WEEI and I can't believe that John could say what he said with a straight face. My little romp will not be written with a straight face. It is of course complete fiction.

Q: Do you think that Theo Epstein is the right man for the job after all these years.

John Henry:
Yes, yes I do. He may have nearly broke the finances of the club with incompetent moves but we support him 100% but you know, having said that, there is a shelf life to GM's. They can only take it for so long and we feel when Theo starts say...wearing gorilla suits...that may be time to have him depart. Fortunately he hasn't done that yet.

Larry Lucchino expressed:
Ya not forever. Ya that's the ticket. Those things are supposed to be like kept private and we have a policy of not discussing anything to anyone unless we know that somebody has permission to discuss something that you're not supposed to discuss. In fact, every year we get requests for people and things and stuff and we never discuss them or the people unless we're the people doing the discussing that we can't discuss about if that makes any sense which is OK since I never make any sense. Does that make sense?

NOTE: Lucchino also added this tidbit...that made no sense:

"A few years ago Theo got an offer from another team but we never discussed it because those things are secret -- which makes no sense of course since I'm discussing it with you now so I guess our policy doesn't make a lot of sense -- except for the people who won't discuss why it won't make sense to the people obeying the policy. Got all that?"

Q:
Epstein was candid last week when he said most, if not all, of his free agent signings were bad. Any comment?

John Henry:
Well...ah...you can't predict the future...that's a good answer right? I mean who could have known that J.D. Drew, for example, was a washed out has been with horrible problems at staying healthy -- which we knew about but ignored. Who could have known that Eric Gagne, after having surgery -- that was fully documented -- and that he was a disaster for the Rangers -- and that was fully documented -- would be a complete fiasco for us. Those things are just very confusing to me. Take Carl Crawford. According to his spray chart he was completely the wrong choice for Boston -- but why would that be a problem? I still can't figure that out? Or John Lackey. Everyone knew he was a disaster yet we got him anyway. I don't know why but Theo used these numbers and charts and I'm a sucker for flowcharts and graphs that make no especially when Theo puts all those nice colors on them. They are so pretty when he creates a gradient effect on the purple. I just can never say no. What can I say?

Lucciono added:
Not that we talk about such things with the public. I mean if Theo say wants to go to Chicago and stay there -- we're not going to say publicly like 'please do it for heaven's sake' because that's something that's private but if he were to go -- I'd be OK with that. Does that make sense? Hey, that actually does make sense.

NOTE: Then Lucciono just jumped in with his usual ramblings. My head started to hurt.

Lucciono: We're actively engaged in that search for a new manager. We're not sitting around twiddling our thumbs or playing video games like Grand Theft Auto -- which I just beat by the way," Lucchino said. "There's a lot to be done. Theo is actively engaged day to day in that search sometimes working over an hour. We just had a meeting with him the other day going through a list of candidates, possibilities. That process is moving ahead. It's not going to happen overnight. Maybe it will never happen. We're not sure. Maybe Rosanne might be the next manager...again that's not something we're going to talk about. I will say that there is nothing to say. I am knee-deep in that thinking."

NOTE: Then It was all about conditioning:

John Henry:
This is the second straight year that on Aug. 1 we looked great and looked like we were headed for a potential World Series, and the second straight year that the team broke down physically," Henry said. "Maybe allowing beer in the clubhouse, maybe letting J.D. Drew be morale officer or perhaps unlimited donuts and coffee...I have NO idea. "

Q: Is it conditioning?

Luccino:

It's certainly an issue that's important to us, physical conditioning," Lucchino said. "I for one don't do it and am overweight with a heart problem but I won't talk about that right now since that's private and only discussed..."

Oh will you shut up, "screamed Henry:

Q: What about drinking in the clubhouse.

John Henry:

Zero tolerance. The last thing we need is to have beer parties in the clubhouse...although I have to admit, John Lackey can't hold his alcohol especially during the strip poker games he and I play...ah...can we talk about something else.


That's it folks!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

John Henry Says Fan Alienation Number One Goal!

John Henry, principle owner of the Boston Red Sox, has stated today on a tweet he sent while cheering for the New York Yankees wearing a Yankee uniform -- that's right a Yankee uniform -- that the number one goal of rebuilding the Red Sox is to alienate the fans and he promises that he will do everything in his power to do so.

So far the strategy has worked. Fans boiled over the mishandling of the firing of Terry Francona which John called a work of genius. "I really liked it how I didn't show up or respond but instead watched a soccer game. I think a lot of fans appreciated my efforts. It was lots of fun when my wife sent that Twit as well. You know its not easy being a total ass. It takes effort."

Today everyone was expecting the Sox to fire third base coach Tim Bogar who really struggled in the position but instead fired life long fan and first base coach Ron Johnson. "It makes no sense if you want to rebuild a team, "said John Henry, "which is why we're proud of our efforts and let fans know that our incompetence will continue so they need not worry. I'm making no promises but I see the Sox in last place. It's not a guarantee and I hope fans won't be too disappointed if we fail because we tried our best. "

Today the Cubs requested to speak with Theo Epstein. The Sox have been incredibly silent. "I realize not saying anything makes us sound like idiots which is why we're doing it. We have to rebuild this team. I've already offered contract extensions to Dice-K and John Lackey while trying to dump dead weight like Jacobe Ellsbury and Daniel Bard. It's the 100th anniversary of the Red Sox and I plan to celebrate it in style. We're even working to create a run down atmosphere at Fenway so fans can relive memories of the 1974 Red Sox or the 1978 Red Sox. We're even running non-stop the last inning of game 6 of the 1986 World Series on NESN so that Sox fans will be reminded what makes the Red Sox great!

John Henry says he will continue to be a total [#$#$] and plans to continue his winning ways until every single fan in New England refuses to see a Red Sox game.

"I'd love to talk more but I'm attending tonight's Yankee game. I plan to attend all the Yankee games and root for the best team in baseball. I don't think that will upset fans too much but if they are I know I'm doing my job!"

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Wanted: New Supervillan Manager

John Henry arranged the TV remote on his desk in such a way that it satisfied his demeanor. He rubbed his neck and tapped the fingers on his desk. Theo Epstein had gathered together several candidates for the new manager position. Theo assured him they were hard lined. Theo assured him they came highly recommended. Theo assured him they were safe choices.

"May I come in!"

He had a giggly laugh and a lanky build. What caught John the most though was his dark green skin, not too far off from the Fenway Park color. No, even more than that, his brain, three times the size of a normal brain almost sent John running out of the office.

"Ah, welcome...sit down."

"Gladly Mr. Henry. May I say you have chosen your new leader. Get it -- Leader???"

He laughed like a madman as a sudden burst of lightening jostled John from his chair.

"Did you do that?"

"Of course. With my brain I can control the world...but first I must defeat the my arch nemesis the Incredible Hulk. Only then can the Leader -- get it -- the LEADER can rule the world."

John sighed.

"OK while I do appreciate the fact that you have the Fenway Park color..."

"Gamma radiation you know."

"And you have a brain three times the size of mine..."

"Ditto..."

"But you are utterly insane and the idea of the Incredible Hulk learning of the 'Green Monster'... no thank you. It was bad enough when David Ortiz thought Jason Gabbard..."

"It's KASON. When are you gonna get it right!"

"Anyway, David thought he heard Jason, as in Jason from Friday the 13th and got out his rocket launcher..."

"KASON...you're doing this on purpose!"

"Anyway, David sent a rocket into the left field wall. It was then I had to put a ban on rocket launchers in the locker room. No thank you."

John quickly threw the Leader out of his office and sat down again. He took a breath of air.

"So you turned down the Leader!"

He walked in with a green cloak and a metallic costume and sat down bearing his evil eyes down at John.

"Dr..."
"Doom...yes the greatest enemy of the Fantastic Four. I am, a genius, far superior to that Leader. It was I who defeated the Fantastic Four many a times..."

"And took down half of New York City."

"A necessary inconvenience. Pity, I never got to see Cats."

"And you want to be the next manager of the Red Sox."

"Only to lure the Fantastic Four into my deadly Apotacary of Doom however I assure you a new World Series title as well. Any player refusing to work with Dr. Doom will meet his fate at the hands of my bionic armor which will turn their bodies into..."

"OK thanks for coming in and all. Nice costume, like the armor and I will consider your offer."

"I rule Lavertia and soon I will rule the world. Consider well because..."

"OK well good luck with world takeover. Have a good day Dr. Doom. Yes we'll talk soon!"

John stopped shaking his body and sat down again trying to feel his heart and wonder if it was still beating.

John reeled back against the wall as a four armed being came into the room. The arms were mechanical and extended to the seat where he placed himself down.

"Dr. Otto Octavious...but you know me better as Dr. Octopus...who would be leader of the world if not for the likes of Spiderman."

"Oh God."

"Hire me John Henry and I will show them the price for failure. Your John Lackey will find his head amputated..."

"OK I think we've got all we need to know and besides I saw Spiderman flying through Boston taunting you or...something"

"SPIDERMAN...my enemy, the doom of my existence. His mocking and taunting tone...I shall destroy him with my bionic armor."

Before John could react he endured the blowing wind past his face as Doc Ock smashed the window and began hurdling through the buildings in chase.

"This is not good."

John sat down and made a call.

"Theo...no I do not like the idea of supervillains...yes i know they are hard lined but...yes I get the green color but don't send in the Green Goblin OK!"

John slammed the phone down.
"Green Goblin and Dr. Oct defeating Spiderman...I am not in the superhero business!"

Before John could react his entire window was once again its former self. John took a breath and sat down again.

"Call me the Mandarin. I and my power rings will change the world...and I am green in color like the fear from those who face me must face when they face the likes of the Mandarin. I, Iron Man's greatest enemy, will face my wrath and bear the weight of doom, true doom..."

"Could you run through that again because I have no idea what you just said. Is that monologing?"

John then saw a parade of costumes pouring into his office.

"Excuse me but the Red Skull..."

"Must move aside for the KingPin..."

"All of you move aside for Lex Luthor..."

"Oh..#$#$#$" said John.


THE END

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Tito's dream

Tito's night of restlessness ended in a hotel room as he starred at the wall. The room was empty and quiet with only the hum of the heater in the background. Tito felt the large hole in his stomach grow larger as the clock ticked on. He rested against the pillow and drifted off to sleep.

...

Tito rolled around and felt the grass rub against his body. The grass stains were all over his shirt. The sun was bright in his eyes and he heard the jostling of a man on a boat in the background cursing away.

"You coming or what?"

Tito rubbed his eyes until he clearly saw the figure on the boat dressed in a light t-shirt and jeans gathering up the ropes that held the boat to the shoreline. Tito got up and walked closer to the boat watching the man wave him onward.

"I ain't got all day. Gee, don't you fired managers get it. I ain't got all day!"

Tito rolled his eyes and stepped on the boat. He felt slightly disjointed from the small waves that rocked the boat. The smell of salt water covered his nose. He rubbed his eyes and sat down starring at the fishing equipment.

"You can't catch fish at 3:00 in the afternoon you know. Man didn't they teach you anything in life!"

Tito rubbed his forehead and adjusted himself. He watched the man start the engine and drive the boat into the blue open water. The sea stretched in all directions with a glowing sun in the background. It made the colors of the water sparkle like diamonds. He smelled the spray of salt as the water struck his face on occasion. Tito wondered where it was going. The event felt like a parallel to his own life.

"You don't say much do you."

Tito shook his head tapping his fingers on the rim of the boat. The spray continued but he didn't feel nausea like he normally does on a boat.

"Not everyone gets to fish with me you know. I'm particular and I don't put up with losers."

Tito turned towards the man.

"After all this time you spend eternity fishing and you're still complaining!"

"That's just who I am Tito. Accept it or I throw you off the boat. Want some butter baked bread?"

"You sound like a bread commercial!" said Tito well aware of this man's history. Somehow he looked larger than life at this moment, a strong figure not reflective of his last days on earth. He was young and vibrant and energetic.

"Just trying to be generous. Nothing I can stand is a rude host. Now stop tapping the bow of the boat. It's annoying."

Tito moved his hands toward himself as the boat came to a stop. The water was so calm it looked like a blanket. The warm air blew past Tito's face. He felt his blood pressure go down about 14 points.

"You looked tired Tito. Sure you don't want some New England bread?"
"No."
"Beer?"
"No."
"Whiskey?"
"No."
"Well is there anything I can offer you because I'm damn tired of being so kind and generous when you're not responding!"

Tito chuckled and leaned back. He let the sun cover his eyes.

"Just let me relax OK."

"How can you relax, "said the man who threw his fishing line in the water. "Damn Red Sox and damn organization fired such a great man before his time. "

Tito leaned his head forward and watched the sun shine off of the man's body.

"Is that a compliment."

"I just know how you feel, "said the man raising his voice and waving his hands in front of him.

"When you're doing great, oh they love you but when you screw up they hate you. I won't tip my hat to anyone like that and I stand behind that decision."

"Right, "said Tito finally chewing on some of the bread. The sweetness of the bread calmed him down as he munched on its soft textures.

"Personally, you got railroaded. John Henry and everyone else. Nope, I say to heck with them. You move on and stand tall with your chin in the air. "

"Trying you know."

The man sat down and leaned in.

"Baseball today...it's not back then. Back then you earned your pay. Today you get paid these bloated salaries and you sit around and think you're so great. No, the Sox ain't the Red Sox of old. That was baseball. Today its money and statistics and profits and cash flow. Greed. Not like back then. "

Tito nodded and felt an agreement but also knew that his salary would make him comfortable for life. That was nothing to complain about at all.

"You know Tito, I respect you. You're too soft and too squishy for me. I'll tell ya that but I respect you. I'll miss watching the games...not that I do it often mind you. I'd rather spend my eternity fishing. That's just me. "

The man leaned back and sighed and starred at the sun.

"This is so much better than being alive. You have no aches, no tears, no pains and no complaints. I like it and I like the fishing. "

Tito refused to make eye contact and turned his head towards the open sea.

"It hurts to be fired Tito. It never gets easy. It will never be easy but just know that that is life which is why I'm damn happy to be through with it. Up here in heaven, you're treated with respect and dignity and are loved at all times. I gotta tell ya its made me a damn humble and gentle man. I'm not like the ballplayer that refused to tip his hat to the crowd at Fenway. Today, I'd even consider doing it. That's how much I've changed. "

Tito watched no reaction from the man but found a smile in himself and let it out. He found it funny and watched the befuddled legend look at him confused.

"You know Ted, I gotta tell ya, I really still want to be in Boston. As hard as it was, I miss it. I will always miss it."

"No ya won't. Once you start with another club and get going you'll forget all about Boston. Sure the fans will cheer ya once you step into that stadium but otherwise you'll have moved on. Come on and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're loved and you brought the Red Sox two World Series -- and they still fired you. "

Tito laughed and grabbed more bread before grabbing a bear and tasting the warm sweet taste of the drink.

"Now that's more like it. See, ya moved on and human memory is a great thing. Once you do something new the pain goes away. "

Tito watched Ted pull in the line and then stretch in the sun.

"OK, time to head back. I got other things to do besides fishing ya know. For one thing, I need a nap."

"Well Mr. Williams, thank you for the time. I do feel a lot better."

Ted smiled for the first time and got the engine started.

"That's what I'm here for. Call me a baseball angel and a damn nice one at that."

Tito watched the boat drift towards land and felt sleep overcome him. He rested against the bow of the boat and listened to the sounds of the day before resting for the night.

THE END or a new beginning

In Memory of Terry Francona the manager.