Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Ryan Sweeney 2012 diary

March 12: 12:45 pm
Very hot day in Florida.  Fortunately there is a walk in freezer at the clubhouse.  I often lock myself in it to cool off rather than take a pointless shower.  Done it several times without a problem.

March12: 2:45 pm
Suffered severe frostbite and in Florida hospital.  Feeling much better after emergency treatment for third degree frostbite.  Doctors seem amazed that I'm alive. They advise I avoid using walk in freezer as a technology for cooling off the human body.  They suggest to use walk in freezer for storage of food instead.  I guess that makes sense. 

April 12
Began bashing into walls to practice catching hard fly balls.  Sometimes I go in head first to ensure I've practiced the entire routine.  Done it several times without a problem.

April 13
Recovering nicely from major concussion.  Doctors seem amazed that I'm alive.  Bad headache.  Ready to go.  Doctors asked a lot of questions.  I answered all of them like who is the President: Abraham Lincoln is our President.  Where am I: I'm in a hospital in Paris.  What year is it.  I said 1878.  Apparently doctors feel I need to be here a few more days.

June 12
Playing really well.  Often give strangers rides to the ballpark as a good will gesture.  Done it several times without a problem.

June 13
Police found my naked body on the roadside.  Doctors treated me with great kindness.  I told them I let a stranger into my car and drove him to the ballpark.  I had no idea he was going to rob me, my car and my clothes.  Doctors want too admit me for long-term electro shock treatment.  I refuse.

July 12
Begin self administered electro shock treatment using a car battery to ease doctor's heads about me doing stupid things.  I've done it several times before with no problem but I must admit I'm starting to smell like cooked port roast. May have to increase the number of car batteries to six.

July 15
Doctors refuse to let me go despite my full recovery from said self-administered electrocution -- as they call it.  Just because I have third degree burns and my heart stopped for 8 minutes is not a problem.   Doctors have advised me to discontinue self-administered electro-shock treatment just for the safety of whatever is left of my body.  .

July 30th
It's strange how doctors keep saying I'm a unique medical mystery.  Several doctors from around the world want to study me.  Very confusing.  Elections are coming up in November.  I have to remember to vote for Lincoln over Fredrick Douglas.  Still a frustrating day so I hit the door in frustration.  I have done it several times without incident. 

July 31th
Got on the disabled list for breaking my hand while hitting the door.  Dustin Pedroia just shook his head and advised I check myself into the nearest psychiatric ward ASAP.  I tell him I first have to vote for Abraham Lincoln in the upcoming election.

August 1st
Resting comfortably in the psychiatric ward after Dustin Pedroia drove me in in panic.  Never saw the man so panicked.  I suppose he to wanted to vote for Lincoln less Fredrick Douglas get into office.  Have to go now. 






Saturday, July 28, 2012

Yankees Red Sox Press Conference

The Yankees trashed the Red Sox 10 - 3.  Hang out here for the after game Press Conference with Ben Cherington and Bobby Valentine and others.  I'm Joe Derive.

Oh wait, here comes Bobby Valentine with what looks like Jack Daniels in his hand.  Can't be...must be Iced Tea.

"Oh...okay...let's...do this."

OK, its Jack Daniels.  Ya, that's clear.

"First, I like this teamer.  They are going in the rightly directional way....ah...wow is it hot in here?"

Smashing honestly Bobby.

"OK...so we lost tonightly but we'll get em' tomorrow.  I love Jon Lester.  He's a great...great pitcher and facing C.C. will be greatly for...ah...it sure is hot in here isn't it.  Wow, I need...hey can I have a refill."

OK this is just sad.

"OK...Aviles...boy he's one dang greatly shortstop.  I mean...we could have had someone else but fart-face got ...oh should I have not said that...what I meant was...it was ha...oh crap who cares at this point.  This team couldn't beat the All Zombie pick up basketball team.  Oh man we're going national TV tomorrow.  I don't think I can handle this...hey Ben any 'genius' ideaslys..."

I never thought I'd see this happen.  Somebody broke Bobby Valentine.  I see some guards are carrying him off stage.  He's singing off key 'Sweet Carline' Man this team is really hurting today.  Oh here comes Ben Cherington.  Man does this guy ever smile?

"Good morning.  Bobby Valentine is simply going through a rough spot right now.  Management of course is behind him. "

Boy it took some effort for Ben to utter that last line.  I swear he looked like he was passing a kidney stone.

"Before we talk about the Sox, let me remind you also that Liverpool soccer is the place to be, the Patriots are in summer camp and the Celtics and Bruins will be here soon.  You know, with all that going on -- did I mention the Olympics and Batman Dark Knight Rises.  That's an amazing film.  I mean you have to see the ending and the Olympics only comes every 4 years and face it people -- when is the last time you saw Star Wars.  I mean who can resist R2-D2.  That always makes me laugh.  I can mimic the beep sounds now..."

Wow, how the mighty have fallen.  Next he'll be talking about Arnie's restaurant.

"Finally, I just want to mention Arnie's Restaurant in Colorado.  Head out and enjoy some great cooking.  I mean who wants baseball when you have that.  OK I'm done."

Well I see Ben sweat more from that conference than an hour of Richard Simmon's Sweating to the Oldies.

Oh here comes Dustin Pedroia.

"We just have to play better.  We have to get on a winning streak.  We have a great team.  We are going to play better.  Thank you."

I can't believe he used his IPhone to play that back to the audience. 

Oh here comes Jon Lester.  What's he doing here.

"I just want to talk about today's game.  I just need to execute my pitches better.  I feel great and my arm feels great.  I will let my team mates down and its hard to look at them, as usual, but CC will pitch a great game and the Sox offense will do great against him getting the requisite 3 runs. I just failed again and when I give up 25 runs or so, I'm never sure but that's a good figure to start with. Now I will be very sad but it was all the umpires fault. Thank you and I look forward to my next pitching assignment when I will again fail to execute my pitches with no fear of losing my position...here that Frankin Morales.  I just will do better when I talk to you before I don't do better.  "

If Jon Lester spent as much time in getting his pitching in order...oh here come the two pitching coaches.  As you know one was hired by Valentine -- our assistant coach and one was left over from the Tito error.  I'll just refer to them as TweetleDee and TweetleDum.

TweetleDee:
The problem with the pitching staff is the assistant pitching coach who is clueless and I tell my pitchers to ignore his advice. Thank you.

Tweetledum:
The problem with the pitching staff is the head pitching coach and I tell my pitchers to ignore his advice.  Thank you.

OK I think we have a clue what the problem is.  Now I'm Joe Derive.  Get me out of here. 












Friday, July 27, 2012

Get Ben!

John Henry dusted off the Liverpool team jersey that he was wearing and then cleaned the glass of the huge Liverpool team photo on the wall and then tossed some papers into the Red Sox garbage can.

"You wanted to see my chief."

"Ben, "sighed John. "Stop calling me chief.  My name is Mr. Henry."

"But...we normally talk to a person with a Mr. by their last name.  Henry is your first name."

"No, "snapped John who sat down on his Liverpool office chair. "Henry is my last name...John...is my first name."

"Oh Mr. John Henry...what's your last name?"

"Chief, "snapped John grabbing aspirin and drowning it down with water."

"Told ya chief.  Anyway I have some important information for you."

"Good, "said John wiping his brow and rubbing his temple. "  Ben sat down and leaned forward.

"You sure do get a lot of headaches around me sir."

"I know, "cursed John.

"We should use the Dome Of Silence sir.  It's Top Secret. "

John struck his head against the table feeling the hard surface of the LiverPool desk.  John looked up and said, "The Dome Of Silence...do we have to!"

"Yes, "said Ben who pushed the button watching the half dome fall down slowly from the ceiling until it covered their bodies in a transparent shield of plastic and wires."

"What's your information Ben?" sighed John.
"What?" shouted Ben.
"What? " Shouted John Henry.
"I need to talk to you sir! " screamed Ben.
"What?" shouted John.
"I need to talk to you Cheif." shouted Ben.
"Is their a problem with the Chef " screamed John.
"I can't understand you sir." shouted Ben.,

The dome rose up in the air.  John smashed the controls with his hammer.

"Of all the stupid ideas.  The Dome Of Silence.  It never works.  Oh why did I ever hire Theo Epstein...now what did you have to tell me."

Ben leaned forward and said, "Nothing to report sir."

It took several minutes for John to recompose himself. "You mean to tell me you had me inside that crazy contraption for...nothing?

"Yes sir because you can't be too careful in spending.  I've decided to do nothing, "smiled Ben who got up and crossed his arms together.

"Ben, you've always done nothing.  Now Sit...DOWN. "shouted John.

John waited until Ben placed his body back in the chair.

"Well, at least we got rid of Darnell McDonald and Lillibridge.  Good people but not cutting it."

"Who?"

"Darnell McDonald."

"Oh, "said Ben,  "You mean Darrell McDonalds, the son of the owner of the McDonalds chain.  I mean I couldn't believe that the family of the McDonalds food chain wants to play baseball.  Ya, I used to love to sing:

Two All Beef Patties,
Special Sauce
Lettuce, Cheese on a sesame seed Bun."

"Boy sir, "said Ben.  "Darrell had no idea what I was talking about."

"Neither do I, "snapped John. 

"Now about Little Bridge.  I always felt that he..."

"Who?"

"Little Bridget...you know...the utility guy we got when we dumped Youk."

John rolled his eyes.

"His name is Lillibridge.  Gee Ben this was the same problem you had with Kason Gabbard."

"You mean Jason Gabby.  Man that man would never shut up."

"IT'S KASON!!!"

Both looked around the room seeing nothing unordinary.

"This year has been awful, "said John.

"Why we had Jason Varicose-Veins day.  That was special and then we had Time Wet-Fillet day as well.  That was great.  You know we should have Harold SaltedNachoesAndCheese day as well.  He's our present catcher and he owns a Nacho company.  We could offer free Nachos.  That would be fun."

"Ben, "said John in monotone.  "I'm amazed that you got Chief correct.  I mean how do you possibly put on your underwear every day...oh wait...you forgot again didn't you?"

"Chief John Henry Something, "said Ben turning red faced. "That's kind of private.and besides I remembered.  I learned that putting it over your pants makes it easier as a reminder.  "

"THOSE ARN'T SHORTS????"

"No sir.  "

"OK Ben.  See what you can do about unloading John Lackey OK."

"John LKey you mean of course."

"I have no idea what I mean anymore.  Anyway, I'm flying back to LiverPool.  "

"I hate eating Liver Chief especially in a pool. "

"Good night Ben."

With that Ben left the room after he figured out how to turn a doorknob

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bobby V and Lester

Jon Lester sat down in his office.  He looked at Bobby and Bobby looked at Lester.  Both starred and then sighed before sagging their shoulders.  Bobby began to tap his fingers on the desk starring into the dust floating in the air.  The sunlight shining through the window made the dust appear to dance.  Jon Lester was starring at a record that made him something of an enigma.  Once a promising starter he was being shelled at every game and unable to come up with the big win.  In short, he looked like an arm ready to retire and end his career.

"So, "said Bobby starring at the pizza on the desk.

"So, "said Jon.

"I feel good, "said Jon. "I've been throwing the ball well.  My shoulder feels good.  I'm ready, I'm just not executing pitches.  I have to do a better job at that."

Bobby leaned down, focused his eyes on Jo n before leaning back in his chair.

"OK, "said Bobby with a glowing smile.  "Whew, I thought that was going to be hard. Glad we settled that."

"Me too, "said Jon smiling.  "I thought you'd go with Morales as the new starter considering he blows me away every game."

"Not too worry, "said Bobby digging into the pizza.  "I have absolutely no guts to do the right thing so relax."

Jon smiled and dove into the pizza.

"This tastes much better with cheese sauce dipped in peanut oil.  That cheezy tastes makes for yummy bellies don't you think Bobby."

"Absolutely.  That's why I bought the 'ULTIMATE."

Bobby of course was referring to a delicious cheese stick wrapped in pizza sauce and then wrapped in a soft wheat pizza dough.  It's deep fried then drowned in thick cheese sauce.  That's then wrapped in an entire three layer cheese pizza that's then deep fried and smothered in bacon strips but that's not all.  The ULTIMATE then is covered in layers of melted cheese and ground beef mixed with deep fried french fries..  Its 5,232 calories of scrumdelicious yum.

WARNING:
Consult your doctor before partaking in the ULTIMATE.  The ULTIMATE has been known to cause severe heart disease and possible stroke.  Users participating in the ULTIMATE may experience shortness of breath, bloated stomach, and constipation.  Do not consume the ULTIMATE if you are pregnant and/or have a history of any sort of heart disease in your family.  Long term consumption of the ULTIMATE (more than one bite) has been known to cause numbness in the chest followed by right arm pain, shortness of breath before a hard squeezing sensation occurs in the chest followed by collapse.  Call 911 immediately and ask for a cardiac surgeon.  The ULTIMATE is banned in many countries so check with the country's Embassy before entering so you to can enjoy the ULTIMATE.


"Oh man...that is so good.  Oh...more."

"Hey you losers.  Save some for me!"

"Oh sure Lackey.  No problem.  You know..."

Lackey sat down devouring the food.  Cheese and bacon dripped down his face.  Sauce stained his shirt and dripped slowly on the floor.  Lackey's chest already began to ache after three bites.  Jon, who initially frowned on the ULTIMATE devoured it thanks to John Lackey's encouragement.

"I'm not feeling well, "said Bobby squeezing his chest, "but it's so good...so much cheese and fat...I can't stop myself."

Soon all three were on the floor screaming in pain but still desperate to get more of the ULTIMATE. 

"Oh man, I can't pitch...on Saturday...hurts too...much, "said Jon Lester. "Can I have some beer to go with...this."

"Damn you Lackey, "whispered Bobby V. squeezing his chest.  "I've fallen and I can't get up.  Thank goodness I have my MedicAlert bracelet.."

"Oh for heaven's sake, "shouted Dustin Pedroia walking in the room.  "No more eating the ULTIMATE.  "

"Did somebody say ULTIMATE, "said Clay Buckoltz dragging his jaw into the room.   I rightly feel a mighty hunger like a hog comin' in from the stump.'

"What in hell are you talking about, "shouted Dustin. 

"Don't know...but I'm craving...THE ULTIMATE."

Soon all were on the ground devouring the ULTIMATE wondering when someone was going to call 911.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Visionary


When Bobby smiled everybody noticed.  The work he had done was finally paying off.  They knew, they all knew how brilliant he was, he thought.  He would label himself...brilliant for all great men have labels.  No, he said to himself.  Brilliant is far to much of a cliche.  No, he needed a new word -- daring, bold, visionary.  Yes, he liked visionary.

"Good morning Mr. Valentine.  Please have a seat. "

He was all smiles as he should be.  This was no ordinary student -- this was...the visionary.  No, with capitals.  The Visionary.  No, he though.  with bold:  'The Visionary'.  No, that needed its own line.

"Mr. Valentine?'

"Oh, said Bobby, retracing his thoughts.  He was just at 24 point Arial bold with a red color when he was interrupted.

"Sorry, sir.  I was just...envisioning."

"Right. "said the counselor adjusting his glasses while mulling over the paperwork.  The file was thick with notes from pencil to paper.  Perhaps, thought Bobby, that he himself, had required the most note taking as he was...

'The Visionary'

Bobby then smiled and nodded.

"Bobby, I see you've shown interest in becoming a, and I quote, a world class heart surgeon and winner of two Nobel prizes in medicine and five humanitarian awards who also discovered the cures for Cancer and Heart Disease while inventing the Warp...Drive...rocket...are you serious? '

Bobby watched as the counselor nodded with an almost stoic smile.

"Bobby, if you had to tell someone that they were dying, that there was no cure for them, how would you do it?"


Bobby felt a bit downcast but pondered the answer.   He thought of several solutions to this perplexing question.  Of all the questions that he expected, this was not one of them.

"Ah, "thought Bobby.  "I think I would say that while death does happen, yours will happen sooner than expected.  You should probably tell your family what you want to do with yourself such as burning your body or just dumping it six feet under but know that it wasn't me who did it to you.  I save people and I don't fail.  I'm too good a doctor for that.  Must be your fault for I am



'The Visionary'


Ya, I'm OK with that answer. "


"The Visionary?  "

"Yes, its a name I invented for myself to give people around me a succinct description of me.  What do you think?"

"Bobby, have you ever been committed or received Electro Shock Treatment?"

"No, why?"

The counselor shook his head.  How quick the air went silent in the room.  The counselor adjusted his glasses and then quickly sat down and faced Bobby eye to eye.

"OK, so...let's ah...let's say you're in an airplane...as a pilot and you've discovered that the plane is going to crash. "  A long pause followed.  "What would you tell the passengers."

The Visionary thought of his answer.  He scratched his beard and rubbed his chin.  Long sentences came his way but the main thought that came through was why.

"Excuse me, but I'm not a pilot and if I was, how could I possibly do that.  I'm too good a pilot to do that."

"Just, "snapped the counselor.  "Answer the question...please."

"Oh, "said Bobby shrugging shoulders and adjusting himself in the chair.  The Visionary thought it over.

"I'd probably say something like...wait...what's the scenario.  How would the plane crash."

Bobby watched the counselor's hands grab a piece of paper and slowly tear into in.

"Bobby...just...answer...the question."

Bobby paused.

"I supposed I'd say something like...how did I go from surgeon to pilot and how did the plane...no, that makes no sense to me."

"OK, "snapped the counselor waving his hands in the air.  "Let's say you're a funeral director.  How would you comfort a family grieving over their loved one."

"Oh that's easy. 



'The Visionary'


does not run a funeral home.  Now come on, what's the problem here?"

'

"Bobby, don't you see what I'm getting at?'

"Not really."

"Bobby, "said the counselor.  "You need a career outside of people...like...computers?  Ya, shouldn't you get excited about sitting in front of a computer all day long?"

"You don't seem very motivated to help me out here.  Are you competent at your job?"

The counselor's face flushed white.  He tore the paper in half and threw it in the garbage.

"Bobby, imagine...for a moment."

"No, no imagining.  I:



'The Visionary'


proclaim that I demand to be a surgeon.  I am a surgeon.  A great surgeon and I've thought it over.  I said it wrong to that person."

A small smile wrinkled the lips of the counselor before it faded away.  He said, "OK, let's hear it."

"I would say that I'm so sorry you're going to die.  If there is any way you could live, I would do it because I am:



'The Visionary'


Don't give up though.  I don't believe in death.  I believe in Bobby Valentine and if anyone can save you...I can.  I am..


"The Visionary...I got it but do you have to wave the Bobby Valentine flag in front of me?  Please..."


Bobby leaned back.  He had made his point.  He was Bobby Valentine.


"Whatever...you do Bobby, don't become an actor or for heaven's sake, a baseball manager.  You are just not good at public relations...OK."


"No way, "said Bobby, "would I put on a uniform and play with a bunch of overgrown children.  I am not a baseball manager. "


"No kidding, "snapped the counselor before he muffled his mouth and rubbed his forehead.  His heart seemed to be beating a thousand beats per minute as sweat ran down his brow.

Bobby huffed shook his head.  He got up deciding that The Visionary didn't need a guidance counselor.  He only needed Bobby Valentine.


"Where are you going?"

"I am going...sir...to show the world who Bobby Valentine really is.  For I am..."




'The Visionary'


THE END

Friday, July 13, 2012

A Message to Season Ticket Holders

Dear Season Ticket Holder:


As we cross the midpoint of our 2012 season, we thank you for your loyal support and beg you to stop demanding refunds.  My email box is now full every day and frankly I didn't appreciate the fan who was willing to trade his season tickets for a bag of dog food.  Now we met many of you at our new spring home, JetBlue Park at Fenway South, and renewed more acquaintances as we opened the 100th Anniversary season at Fenway Park and could see right away our relationship really wasn't working anymore.  I think the tomato throwing event gave us a big clue. Now we sensed that the nostalgia we planned didn't help matters and we hope to continue to avoid further celebrating this special anniversary throughout the year because because frankly distractions like this we don't need! Sadly we have events coming that are too late to cancel such as:

'Remember 2004 and 2007'


We know you're going to love that event but there is more:


'Just Try to Forget Completely'

All 100 years besides the following years of  2004 and 2007

 Now our play on the field has at times tested the mettle of the faithful. It could be maddening one day, and even more maddening the next day. However, along the way, we have seen our bullpen gel, young players emerge and then fail, and veterans who whine a lot but we'll ignore that statement for the moment . We have watched the team coalesce into a really whiny bitter group and honestly that wasn't quite the plan. No matter, for some personalities are enhancing the chemistry, such as the cheerful Cody Ross, the friendly Mike Aviles, and the inspiring story of Daniel Nava who can't hit his way out of a beanbag latelly. Jarrod Saltalamacchia has shown power in the clutch, worthy of a...ah...well, despite his unbelievable strikeout count and did I mention the passed balls -- no I did not so you don't have to remember that either. Hey we could have a 'forget Jarad Day'  And let's not forget the talented Will Middlebrooks who forced his way into the lineup as we bade farewell, with gratitude, to Kevin Youkilis, who helped us win two World Championships and is now hot again while Middlebrooks sits on the DL.  Boy that was a dumb move on my part.  .

Anyway, the one constant on the field has been our beloved Big Papi, David Ortiz who I wish would just shut up. How really big a headache I got when our really whiny leader reached the 400-home run plateau in a career only to whine about management.  Nevertheless we hope he will forever be with the Red Sox -- unless he wants more money of course.

The one constant off the field is that we have had a veritable All-Star Team on the disabled list. As we begin the second half, we look forward to the return of the “varsity,” including Jacoby 'Scott Boras' Ellsbury (who we're going to dump ASAP), Carl Crawford (who we can't dump ASAP), Andrew Bailey (who I wish we could dump ASAP), and the ever-dirty Dustin Pedroia (who I'm glad we're not dumping ASAP).

While this infusion of such talent in late July or August or maybe just next year which may make other General Managers grateful this sack of #$#$ is not on their team.  Now you can be sure that Ben Cherington and his Baseball Operations Staff (The Three Stooges) will approach the July 31 trading deadline hoping they won't make yet another blunder like Bailey for Reddick or Lowrie for Mendelson -- or however you spell it).  Now if someone can further help this club, and if the deal makes sense, you can be sure it won't cross our minds.  We seem to be really drawn like a magnet to players like John Lackey or Julio Lugo so I think a freeze on trades can only help us and therefore I ordered our baseball staff to just watch reruns of Andy Griffith and order take out.  That should keep them out of trouble.  I told Ben he reminds me a lot of Barney Fife.  That man has one great right cross let me tell you.  Now we want to play September Baseball this year  and checking our schedule that means we can all forget this team by October because really, at this point we just want to stay out of the cellar.

Keep the Faith, Larry Lucchino

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Theo Epstein's dream team comes true

In a frank and candid interview, Theo Epstein talked about the team he has been building for years and has finally reached fruition this year.  The results were truly shocking.  No wonder he wears a gorilla suit.

'To be honest, I was getting bored after the 2004 world series win.  I mean...when we won in 2007, I was kind of frustrated.  What's the next big thing to do -- more world series?  BORING!  Look at it this way.  Fans in Boston are angry.  They want to be angry and I wanted to give them a team worthy of their anger That's the Vent Sox.  Get it?  I laughed for half an hour when I said it'

Theo said that he and Cherington have worked relentlessly to give fans something to cry about and have greatly succeeded.

"We both knew that when we hired Carl Crawford, he was going to be the second coming of J.D. Drew.  It took a year but he hasn't disappointed and fans have eaten it up.  Page after page of twitters and blogs dedicated to the frustration.  I mean, its more than I could have hoped for and I hope the fans are thankful because its not easy breaking the finances of the team like this for players who can't perform...well, not really."

Theo said it was hard to decide which player reached his goal of the 'Vent Sox' but he thinks J.D. Drew might be it.

"We setup an frustration metric and J.D. has continuously been on top although Lackey was there for a year but then fell off the radar.  He'll be back.  Anyway, Drew gets hurt like crazy, walks a lot and whines all the time about everything with zero personality.  I mean, what more could you want.  We talked often with J.D. about how to be dry, boring yet push towards the D.L. every second you can...and the fans responded overwhemingly to this guy.  Sorry...tears again."

Theo also said that trading away talent also gets the fans in uproar.

"I talked with Ben, after I left and said Papelbon needs to go.  He's the exact opposite of what we want in a player.  The bastard is a leader, doesn't whine and works hard at his craft.  Disgusting if you ask me.  Pedroia should be next.  Then I said get rid of Reddick and Lowrie.  We looked for brittle players and got Bailey and then...well, let's just say the pieces came together better than cake and ice cream.  We celebrated by the way with cake and ice cream.  We really crippled the team.  Gotta love it.'

We also asked Theo about John Lackey and Julio Lugo.

"I was very frustrated with Lugo.  He got hurt all the time, threw wild to first base, hit nothing and generally was my dream player...but the fans didn't seem to notice enough.  It was very aggrivating.  I'm just glad that the dynamic duo of Crawford/Gonsalez filled it in.  While Crawford may never pay again, Gonsalez has the biggest salary in history for hitting base hits...when he does.  I love it.'

We asked Theo if he felt the team reached its goals.

"For a while no but now that I look deeper -- oh ya.  This may be the worst Red Sox team in history relative to their salaries.  I just want to say that the Cubs are next -- watch OUT!'

I'm Joe Derive.