The dreams of Bobby Valentine

Bobby Valentine finally crashes in the bed.  The stresses of the job have gotten to him.  He begins to dream...

(THE DREAM)
As the game entered the 2nd inning, Dustin Pedroia was pulled from the game.  His so-called home-made brace failed to protect the muscle in his thumb.  The Sox were in a tie game.  Bobby, rubbing his chin and saw the light in his head.

(Announcer Don Orsello)
"And we have...Bobby Valentine heading out to replace Dustin Pedroia at second.  Donning his glove, Bobby bends down and holds his position.  An entire crowd of people stare blankly at the sight.

(Announcer Jerry Remy)
"This has got to be the craziest stunt I have ever heard of in my entire life. What is that man thinking?"

(Announer Don Orsello)
"Ground ball, hit sharply to second.  Bobby...dives, he's got it.  Turns and throws to first in a brilliant play.  I don't believe it."

(Announcer Jerry Remy)
"This type of play, is something even Dustin Pedroia couldn't do.  That man has a bullet for an arm and that ends the inning with Dustin Pedro...err...Bobby Valentine coming up.

[TOP OF THE THIRD]
(Announcer Don Orsello)
"Here's Bobby Valentine facing David Price.  Runners at the corners.  Big chance for the Red Sox to break out but tough...there goes a long drive, deep center field, over the American flag and out of here.  My goodness, he hit it out of the park."

(Announcer Jerry Remy)
"That ball was absolutely crushed.  That may be the longest home run EVER in Fenway park.  First he makes an absolutely brilliant play to save a run, then he hits a three run home-run and still manages the team.  That man is a legend in his own time.

{Bobby tosses and turns in bed as the dream continues}

[TOP OF THE NINETH]
(Announcer Don Orsello)
"Well, Sox ahead 15 to 5 thanks to Bobby Valentine who hit three grand slam home runs in addition to a three run homer.   Every time they think of walking him nobody takes him seriously and then he hits a major blast over the fence...and now Bobby is in the closer role of the game.  Bobby may be a great second baseman and a great hitter -- spectacular hitter but he is no pitcher"

(Announcer Jerry Remy)
No question Don, he is not a major league arm.  While he could already get in the hall of fame in this game, Bobby Valentine cannot pitch.

(Announcer Don Orsello)
"Here's the first pitch...wow...115 mph four seem fastball.  That is unbelievable.  "

(Announcer Jerry Remy)
"I can't believe it.  This man is a legend in his own time."

(Announcer Don Orsello)
"Curveball,  95 mph for strike two.  That pitch was unhittable.

(Announcer Don Orsello)
"Slider, 99 mph and he is out on three hard swings. Bobby graciously bows to the crowd as a standing ovation is beginning that is deafening."

(Announcer Jerry Remy)
"This is amazing.  The man is probably the greatest baseball talent of our time and he gets better when he's older.  Now I thought his arthritis was going to give him a problem especially with his aged heart but he shows no signs of slowing down.

(Announcer Don Orsello)
 "WOW...unbelievable...95 mph sinker and there he goes again, 97 mph cut fastball.  Now a knuckleball.  He threw a knuckleball.  Bobby Valentine knows all the pitches.  I don't believe it.

(Announcer Jerry Remy)
"Don, I tell you Bobby is going to get a highlight reel that will be the definition of talent. 

(Announcer Don Orsello)
Strike three.  Bobby Valentine struck out a .353 hitter with a...with a knuckeball and he makes it look easy.

(Announcer Jerry Remy)
One more out to go and a .353 hitter coming up.  This is it.  Bobby's finest hour...


Bobby tosses and turns before the alarm goes off.  He slams it shut.

'Dammit, ' he says.  'Just when I was about to win the game.

Bursted Balloon

The home run that struck the outfield gave fans more than a baseball to take home with them, it was also the moment that the fans could also bear a sense of purpose again -- the Sox had done a walk off homerun.  The Sox had won a hard fought game against the Rays and now a huge celebration took place in the clubhouse.  Jarad Saltalamachia, Salty to this Red Sox crowd, fought against a lot of skeptics and showed everyone he's worth keeping around.  He hit that homerun and stitches and all he was one tough fella.

"We did it, "shouted everyone in a random set of dancing, jumping around and high-fives that made the clubhouse, a once somber setting into a World Series celebration.  Jarad was soaking it all in.

"We are the Sox, " shouted David Ortiz and everyone joined in with a big yes.  They once again began hugging and cheering and shouting.

"I'm pitching tomorrow and I'm gonna win it, "said Clay Buckhotz and soon the entire room went silent.  Even the crickets, in the state of Maine could be heard.  Grim faces filled the room and all pointed to Clay with the highest ERA in the league. 

"Watch me win! " shouted Clay as his rubbery arms now drooped as a wilted plant and with that Salty grabbed Clay and pulled him aside as everyone suddenly was hitting the showers and heading home.  Salty sat Clay down and rubbed his temple with his sweat. 

"Clay...what have I taught you about your mouth."

"Ah, "said Clay. "Eat with your mouth, breath with your mouth and if you got something to say with your mouth, write it down...ah...instead and burn it."

"No, not burn it...we talked about that since the last fire in Yankee stadium..."

"Oh ya, " said Clay.  "crumble it up and put it in my pocket."

"Exactly, "snapped Salty but it was already too late as Clay, dropped his head down as tears welted from his eyes dripping down on the floor like raindrops.

"Clay, listen to me...we all love you here.  Everyone thinks you're...awesome and all.  "

Salty just watched Clay degenerate and decay in front of his eyes.

"How ya coming with your times tables?"

Clay smiled again and wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "seven times seven is forty eight...seven times eight is 50 and..."

"Clay, Clay, Clay, " said Salty wiping his beard and pulling on his hairs before he smiled again. "Ya...that's great Clay.  You're gonna be fine."

"It's such a mental strain to think Salty.  I didn't think it would be so hard to think but it is. "

"I know Clay, I know, "said Salty with a reassuring smile.  "Everyone has to do it though."

"Not with Victor Martinez  I just follow his instructionalizms and he tell me what to do but I don't do that with you.  Why Salt and Pepper?'

Salty forced a gritty smile and said, "My name is not Salt and Pepper.  You can't give guys nicknames.  Remember the nickname you gave Josh Beckett"

"Ole blubberbutt...I meant it as a compliment."

"And what did Josh do to let you know his feelings?"

"Ah, "said Clay who appeared to have smoke rising in his head. "He hung me from a flagpole by my underwear and hoped I didn't reproduce."

"Ya...that should tell you something now shouldn't it?"

"Ah, "said Clay.  "I thought the Stork brought the baby to the cabbage patch.  I mean, Salty, I can't exactly decided if I aim to reproduce it not or."

"OK Clay, " said Salty,  "We're kind of at our brain explosion point so why don't we write it down then throw it away OK."

Clay nodded.  He appeared to be confused but then smiled.

"Salty..."

Salty shook his head and handed Clay a piece of paper.  Clay wrote down his thoughts and handed them back to Salty.

"OK Clay, 'we've talked about this.  Watching Sesame Street is a bit above your thinking level.  Let's stick to Teletubbies."

Clay wrote down some more and handed it to Salty.  Salty gave a huge sigh of frustration but then smiled through it.

"OK, of course I'll watch it with you."

The two strolled off as Salty heard in his head how it would feel to have a sledgehammer strike your stomach.  Teletubbies felt almost as painful.

Dice-K's Pain In The Back

Dice-K received a shot for some back pain or something or other.  Either way he's set back and may not return for a while which of course was a shock to everyone involved.

Bobby V. who was getting his blood pressure checked took the news with a smile. Before the news, his BP was 190 / 140 but settled down to 110 / 70 when he heard Dice-K will not be back any time soon.  He then called Dice-K to remind him of other possible injury scenarios such as sore thumb or sore leg muscles -- it worked for Josh Beckett -- but he reminded Dice-K that a bad back is always your 'go-to' injury during the last months of your contract.  he also mentioned dizzy spells as it worked for J.D. Drew. 

I'm Joe Derive.

Philly Fans are SO smart

 Jonathan Papelbon:

 Philly fans tend to know the game a little better than fans in Boston, 

BUT:

Boston fans are a little bit more hysterical when it comes to the game of baseball.
 

Let's think about that!

Adrian, Cody and Clay

"How are you supposed to have a professional at-bat with these umpires nowadays? Gosh. The first pitch in my last at-bat wasn't even close. You're up there, trying to have a professional at-bat and look for a pitch to hit and that's called?
"So it puts you in swing mode, the guy throws a good split and all of a sudden you're 0-2. It should have been 1-0 and then he probably doesn't throw a split. Unbelievable.
"In that at-bat I went up there looking for a fastball middle away. I got a fastball way away. You can't swing if it's not a strike. You're looking for a pitch middle away, and it's away and you know you can't swing because it's off and you're 0-1."

- Gonsalez working on his speech for running for political office where everything is the other guy's fault. 

- Also, Theo Epstein once again shows us why Boy Wonder belongs in the Windy City.

“The balk, in my head I was going to go third to first, but my cleat sort of got caught and I tried to spin around and throw to first,’’ Buchholz said.


- Clay Bucholtz auditioning for a part of Jetro in the upcoming Beverly Hillbillies movie


"I tried to break my stride down and kind of tripped over myself and had to reach back and grab it,’’ Ross said. “Just a lot of stuff going on in that play. It was awful. It ended up costing us the game.

-  Cody 'Lost' Ross with the grace of an elephant walking through an art museum.  

Clay Bucholtz and Brain Surgery

"'It was just that things happened," Buchholz said. "I hit a guy to load the bases, but sometimes, I guess, it’s better to be lucky than good when I ended up getting out of the inning and giving up one run."

- Clay Bucholtz in another hu???? moment showing us all his IQ barely makes it to 60.


He basically came out there and told me ‘You need to get your stuff right and go after these guys and get these guys out so we can get in the dugout and win a ballgame,'" Buchholz said. 

- Rare Bobby Valentine moment when he shows he does indeed have a backbone.

Sox won last night and the Boston media is falling over themselves feeling like the losing streak is over.  The Sox had a 6 run lead which shrunk greatly when Clay fell apart in his last inning pitching.

"Josh Beckett, booed in Fenway, says of golf game, “We get 18 off days a year”

- Josh reminding us that he can't do math.  Here's what he should have said.

(I only pitch about 18 or so games a year since I get a convenient injury because pitching 30 games is just too much effort.  That means I don't work for the other 347 games a year unless you count sitting in the dugout and watching games or weight lifting so those days where I don't even have to do anything that are very precious -- even though I only do that for six months of the year..  )

Sox hope for a win...someday.

Several players are commenting now about the recent loss where the Sox now hold the distinction of one of the worst records in baseball but not the worst -- yet anyway. (Thank goodness for the Twins).

Cody Ross:
I thought I joined this organization because of my inate talent.  Instead I realize I really have inept talent...but I do have a winning smile and good looks.  Can Josh Whedon call me any time soon?

Marlon Byrd:
 I thought I joined this organization because of my inate talent.  Instead, I realize that I really have inept talent...but I do have a winning smile and good looks.  Can George Lucas call me?

Josh Beckett
I have tightness in my left hamstring. I think 18 rounds of golf with fried chicken and beer will cure it...of course a set of nice headphones goes a long way towards my $#$@# happiness.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia
I really hate being called the great experiment.  As far as I'm concerned I'm a talented catcher that just can't catch a sinker...or just about any other pitch, throw out runners or hit.  Take those points away and I'm a Hall of Famer!

Clay Buckhotz
I just can't figure it out.  I really can't.  I tried and I tried.  OK, I'll try again.  You have two coins and both add up to 30 cents. One is not a nickel.  What are the two coins.  It just fried my brain.  Mmmm...fried chicken and beer...and 18 holes of golf.  Anyway, I tried two pennies and five dimes but five dimes don't add up to 30 cents...I think.

Daniel Bard
I see myself as a starter.  A starter like myself starts games.  As a starter I'm going to have tough games.  As a starter, which I see myself as...did I say I'm a starter because I am...a starter...not to drive the point home of course.  Anyway, I can help the team out as a starter because that's who I am.  I'm a starter.  If you didn't get that point, I'm a starter and I'm gonna keep saying that until people realize I don't belong as a bullpen guy and if it takes me the rest of my career to do it, I will.  I'll do it from retirement and from beyond the grave. Whatever it takes, I ain't going back to the bullpen because starters don't go to the bullpen and Scott Boras doesn't pick bullpen guys -- not that money has anything to do with it.

Adrian Gonsalez
No big deal for win or lose...I still get paid.

Jacobe Ellsbury
All I can say is two words -- free agency.  I can also say Philly Steak sandwich with an emphasis on 'Philly'...as in Philadelphia.  Just saying.

Dice-K
I've enjoyed my time on the Red Sox.  I've traveled, exercised, relaxed, done beaches and so forth and still get paid.  I love the Red Sox. 

Bobby Valentine
This stupid organization has aged me at least 10 years.  What was I thinking!  Here I was in the broadcast booth sitting around and commenting but now I have to actually manage these bunch of has-beens and whiners.  Glad I don't whine and I'm not a has-been.

I'm Joe Derive.

Beckett's golf game

Clay Bucholtz this Thursday played golf with Josh Beckett
It's good to know these two guys are taking the game seriously.  Clay right now can't figure out what is wrong so nothing like 18 holes to help solve his changeup problem.  I'm sure some time in Pawtucket might be Clay's next step in his recovery -- if he can take time away from golf.

Beckett, on the other hand, did it on the day he was supposed to pitch.  Guess that injury healed up quite nicely.  Now he can combine fried chicken, beer and golf.

"Again, I don't know the specifics of the situation," Valentine said. "I don't know if he was out at a charity match, just putting, or if he was whaling away and felt that might have loosened things up. I have no idea what the situation actually is, so it's hard for me to comment on it. ... If that was the case [that he played golf, drove the ball], I would say that was less than the best thing to do on that day off." 

(Bobby Valentine trying to explain another shameful moment)

Anybody have a bucket???

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.  Just some...random thoughts here.

Cody Ross says Sox have problems winning at home:

(translation)
Sox do just fine with teams that can't hit and pitch and field and so far the pickings are slim with just the Twins (worst team in baseball) that can qualify as bad enough for the Sox to win against. 

Bobby Valentine says Sox are doing well despite his mistakes.

(translation)
Bobby is wondering how long it will be before he gets out of this nightmare and can go back to the broadcast booth where he can blabber about how bad the managers are without having to actually back that up with actual data.   He seems more comfortable with that.

Bobby Valentine says Gonsalez is tired and that's why he's not hitting well.

(translation)
He's trying to find an excuse to explain how a $143 million dollar superstar can play like a AAA player.  So far this is the best that he's got but he's working on better delusional statements.  Give him time.  He's rusty.

Salty is doing just fine as a catcher.

(translation)
Bobby hasn't said it but I'm sure he realizes that Salty is yet another selection from the Theo Epstein School of Madness.  What's even worse is he isn't getting injured.  That would give us the excuse to get Laraway up to the majors. He can't be any worse than Shoppach who can't hit a ball if its on a tee.

Carl Crawford is going to play again

(translation)
First he lied about his wrist then he got a ligament injury.  Carl of course will play again after his contract expires, until then this is yet another reason why Scott Boras is so good at his job and Theo Epstein is not.  Scott could sell flood insurance in the Saudi Arabian desert and Theo would come back for seconds.

This is one solid outfield

(translation)
This outfield would be just great for a Saturday afternoon Softball game.  So far they can't field, they can't hit consistently and they are streaky.  (That just means they are AAA talent by the way).  No worries though, I'm sure Ben Cherington will keep em' coming for the fans to delight in even though the pitching staff squirms at any ball hit into the outfield wondering what Indiana Jones adventure awaits. 

 Bailey will be back

(translation)
Looks like the A's are really enjoying a healthy Josh Reddick who's hitting and fielding like the star he is.  He gets clutch hits and plays the right field hard.  Bailey is playing the DL hard watching reruns of the Golden Girls.  He's a big Betty White fan. 

I'm Joe Derive.

Red Sox Offer DL Fun Cruise

In an exciting move, the Red Sox offer a DL or Disabled List cruise including an ocean liner guaranteed to sink like the Red Sox in the loss column.  Special guests include:

Carl Crawford:
Carl is excited to be joining this cruise this year as he will demonstrate various injury techniques such as oblique tears, rotator cuff tears as well as various thumb and knee and shoulder injuries including his latest while changing his shirt.  Carl says fans need not worry about him financially as he makes more money than most people make in 140 lifetimes.

Andrew Bailey:
Andrew is very excited to be joining this cruise but admits that he's frustrated about his poor contract offering.  Still, he says he's learned a lot from Carl Crawford about how to collect a big fat paycheck and still get great free headphones.

John Lackey:
What John lacks in presentation, he more than makes up for in attitude.  John will hold some shock radio courses about how to swear, play badly and still make a heap of money. 

Jacobe Ellsbury:
New to the front, Jacobe is a bit nervous as Scott Boras told him that he needs to avoid the injuries until he gets his 10 year $560 million dollar contract from some sucker out there.  Jacobe says he plays hard and doesn't understand why you would purposely get injured but adds that J.D. Drew did make it an art.

Dice-K
Dice-K, who spent more time on the DL than off of it missing an entire two years and then some from his six year contract says he love America, the Red Sox and his big fat paycheck.  Only in America do you get paid to do nothing and not even get fired for it. 

J.D. Drew
J.D. spent the last year of his contract on the DL and most of it in between.  He loves the Red Sox and calls it the Prune Juice club of paychecks.  He wishes he had signed an even larger contract with the Sox.

So fans of baseball join us this year on this glorious ocean liner as it sinks into the ocean with the great Red Sox contracts of Theo Epstein.