Julio Lugo's Chicken Festers (as told to Arnie)

Hi,
My name's Arnie. I have been Julio Lugo's personal chef for 37 years(not!) and he has graciously allowed me to publish some of his favorite dishes. Just be sure to have some Pepto and paramedics handy. Enjoy!!!



It just so happens that last night Lugo called me to ask for a recipe for Chicken Festers. I asked him, "Don't you mean chicken FINGERS?" He says,"Do-a chickens have-a da fingers?" Did you know Julio Lugo sounds a lot like Chico Marx? Anyway, I tell him No, that's more of a euphemism. "I don' wanna no youth-incisions. Gimme da Chicken Festers." "No problem, Julio, joo got it."

Julio (the foolio) Lugo's Chicken Festers

For the marinade:
2 cups battery acid
1 cup ketchup
2 cloves garlic
1 melted Hershey bar-- have you ever gone to Hershey Pennsylvania? Me neither.
1 1/2 tablespoons liquid dish soap
2 tablespoons Zatarain's Cajun-a spice
1 pound rock salt
a pinch salt peter
1/2 cup lab grade sulfur

Wearing a radiation-proof suit, carefully!! mix all the above ingredients. After the toxic haze clears and you can see again, transfer this to a pyrex baking dish and add the chicken. Watch it fizz! Now take this whole blistered mess and place it, CAREFULLY!! into a lead-lined cement --see-ment in the south-- vault and put this into the the trunk of your car for 5 days.

I use seal oil for frying these days. It is sustainable, local, organic and "green". The green comes from the weeks long shipping from Dumphuk Alaska without refrigeration. YUM!
Heat the seal oil to 575 degrees. Watch out for sputtering oil, it takes the skin of yourself and any bystanders clean off! And if it should spontaneously ignite DON'T WORRY, the marinade will extinguish the flames.
Drop two or three chicken festers into the oil---don't forget your protective suit---at a time and fry until golden-black. Remove to a Pyrex serving dish and drain the remaining toxic grease. You don't need to make any arrangements for keeping these warm while the others are cooking. For some reason only physicysts and physichiatrists understand these chicken festers never cool off.

The Dipping Sauce:
One quart Goof-Off (if not available Goo-Gone will do)
2 quarts double egg mayonnaise
1 pint sour cream
3 drams whipped cream
2 hogsheads whiskey
1 hectare flour
20 cherry stone clams
1/3 box gelatin
3/4 cup pearl tapioca
25 ginger snaps, crumbled
2 cups lard
1 dill pickle
2 cans sardines
1 whole coconut
10 fig newtons
1 jar sweet relish
2 cups stewed prunes
1 cup cooked barley
1 barrel consomme'
mix this up in a cement[seement] mixer and serve in those green Homer buckets from Home Depot.

Garnish with fresh tarragon and frizzled leeks.

This goes well with a chilled glass of well-aged sewage.
Sincerely, Julio Lugo.