Red Sox Weekly Podcast

The Red Sox Weekly Podcast

“Hello and welcome to the Red Sox Weekly Podcast premiere episode. Our premise is quote 'our premise is to provide an account of the Red Sox weekly reports, using accurate data and staggeringly dry and pointless assessments of the data in order to facilitate the Red Sox weekly broadcast in getting you to fall asleep in a quick and efficient manner' end quote.”
Yesterday the Red Sox faced the Detroit Tigers. The Red Sox had zero runs or null runs if you prefer, while the Detroit Tigers had two runs. At the end of the game, the score remained unchanged. The Red Sox had four hits in the game. The Detroit Tigers had five hits in the game. The Red Sox had four hits but failed to score a run. The Detroit Tigers had five hits and achieved two runs. Clay Bucholtz was credited with the loss as he was given total responsibility for the two runs. Clay was apparently very sad after the game although no cognitive data was available to justify that assumption.
At the end of the game, The Red Sox were asked by Red Sox Weekly if the accumulation of negative entropy were a major cause of the dystopian vision of the Red Sox team as a whole and if the statistical probability of achieving the desired results were a feasible possibility during this time of isotropic stagnation.
Terry Francona responded by saying quote 'I don't understand...' end quote.
Given the nature of the question, it was decided quote' to continue asking the team the same question since it took a great deal of time to conjour up the question in the first place endquote.
David Ortiz responded by saying quote “hu” end quote.
Josh Beckett responded by saying quote 'is this a joke' end quote.
This obvious rebellious attitude has indeed contributed to the negative attacks against the straightforward approach of Red Sox Weekly. However we have and I quote from our producers 'no data to justify the hypothesis...end quote.
Today the Boston Red Sox face the Texas Rangers. Manager Terry Francona was asked if he felt the travel time and obvious fatigue of the players were contributing to the general isotropic stagnation and entropy exhibited on the team. Terry responded by saying quote 'you again' end quote.
That is all for Red Sox weekly.

Tito's Day

“OK everyone...I know it's been tough but we're having this meeting to cheer everyone up. We have singing, jokes, motivational talks all sponsored by Theo Epstein...but first a joke or two.”

Tito, having broken the silence unraveled a crumbled paper of material. He delivered it with his usual low key manner.

“Ah...why does six hate...ah...seven...that's because seven ate nine. Get it?”

A small cough was heard from David Ortiz and Tim Wakefield nodded.

“Ah...OK...I have a problem with seven times eight. That's because it's 56...get it...5, 6, 7, 8...Ah...get it?”

Tito paused to watch the ripple of sighs run through the room.

“OK...last one...”

That evoked a cheer through the audience.

Tito sighed.

“OK...three Yankee players are in a clubhouse...putting together a puzzle you know a kids puzzle...oh that's the joke...but you don't know that yet because I haven't told you...ah...OK.”

A pause.

A long pause with sighs

“Well...ya...let here's our motivational speaker. The Reverend Hard Thug.”

Tito stepped aside. A man in a tall dark suit with a Bible in his hands and fire in his breath stepped forward starring over the audience.

“I look amongst you and see wickedness and sin. I see you all are going to burn ye all in hell for your sins and you are BURIED IN THEM!”

The man held his fist up in the air.

“David Ortiz...you wicked vial sinner....your failings as a man will send you to hell and I will laugh when you beg for mercy!”

The man opened the Bible.

“Do you read the word of God ye sinners who work on Sunday...you will in hell!”

Tito grabbed the man.

“OK...well...that was uplifting and I fear mass suicide if you uplift us any more.”

“Stand aside you wicked sinners and watch ye burn!”

Tito moved him off the stage.

“OK...this is going so...well but we can't do anything wrong with this man.”

Paul Simon stepped on the stage to a rousing welcome. He strummed his guitar.

“Here is an uplifting song...an old one!”

There were two men down,

And the season lost,

when the pitcher died,

The guitar strut and Paul seemed really into his song.

And they laid his spikes

On the pitcher's mound

And the night turned cold

The Stars were white as bones

The stadium was old

Older than the screams...

Older than the dreams...

“OK, “shouted Tito. “That was just great! Let's hear it for Paul Simon.”

Paul was abruptly pushed off the stage wondering what he did wrong.

“Wow...”
Tito smiled a forced smile.

“OK...well this guy is going to get us going. A psychologist from the Massachusetts Institute of Health.”

The glum figure with sagging shoulders and a large bottle of Vodka in his hand walked on the stage. The beard was crumbled and old as was his coat.

“OK...just hang in their folks.”

The man slugged his Vodka down and smiled.

“I have a drinking problem...I'm an alcoholic and I'm not afraid to admit it. Would you guys like some crack?”

Tito grabbed the man and pulled him off the stage.

“Well...ah...OK...well...guess that's it for our inspirational...talks...OK.”

Tito nodded and left the stage. A team of sagging shoulders followed.

The News Of The Week

The Devil Rays and Paul Bird Make the News

Heading out to the old ballpark may have new meaning as Tampa Bay has decided to incorporate their new logo 'LYEAHN” Remember those annoying cowbells that thwart hitters and drive opposing teams mad. Well, look out because you ain't seen nothing yet.

“I guess they're handing out to the kids battery operated tornado sirens that have about two hours of battery time. I guess I'll be giving them my resignation!”

That was Joe Madden, manager of the Rays looking a bit disgruntled at the prospect of going deaf.

“I need my hearing and when these idiots they tell me that every time our team gets a hit, they'll open up with 1000 fucking air horns blasting and smashing the stadium. All I can say is, WTF?”

Fans themselves seem excited about the idea. As a father of six kids, Samuel Lyborn says that the horns really keep his kids occupied.

“What?”

That was about all we could get out of Sam before he was taken to the nearest emergency room after his kids thought it might be fun to blast all the air horns into his ears at once.

Still, fan turnout has been great. Fans have brought in any type of siren and noise device that can be implemented.

“If it's noisy, we want it, “says Tampa Bay management.

The stadium has however banned the devices after a small incident. Apparently the entire stadium of residents have filed a class action lawsuit after suffering permanent hearing damage. Called the “Helen Keller” lawsuit, the lawsuit has had its positive moments. For one thing, ASL or American Sign language is now very popular among Tampa Bay fans as their only source of communications and players for the Rays say that nobody can read their signs anymore now that everyone had to learn sign language since the team is officially pronounced deaf.

The conversation between Paul Byrd and Theo Epstein.

“Hi Paul!”

“Who the fuck is this?
“Ah...Theo Epstein...”

“You piece of shit. I was just guzzling my fucking beer because I'm out of a fucking job sitting here with my fat glob of a belly because I'm on anti-depressants and just got out of my ECT treatments! Now what in hell do you want. Here I am WATCHING Saturday looser wrestling while crapping on the toilet and I have to hear from my worst nightmare.

A pause.

“Well...OK...I guess you don't need a job.”

A pause.

“Oh hey Theo. Really glad to hear from you. I mean...it's been very lonely not hearing from you. Thank goodness I'm in shape...you know weight lifting and all and track and...of course no beer!”

A pause.

“That's OK Paul. Pretty much everyone who works for me feels the same way. Heck you should hear the calls I get from Justin Masterson. Wow...that guy has a mouth!”

A pause.

“Well...to be honest, I'm really out of shape...”

“No worries. I mean this is a guy who hired Julio Lugo, J.D. Drew and Eric Gagne and I sold the farm for him!”

A pause.

“Ya...I see your point there.”

“So don't worry. How does $20 million sound?”

“Wow...that's an insane amount for a mediocre player. You really are Theo Epstein!”

“The one and only!”

A pause.

“Listen I'll let you fly back, work out in the minors and be ready for September. I'm thinking of trading Daniel Bard and Jonathan Papelbon for Julio Lugo. We really need him back.”

A pause.

“So tell me Theo...how'd you get this job anyway?”

“Hell if I know!”

A pause.

“Well...I'll see you Monday.”

“Take your time. I'm building next years pitching staff. It will be Smotz, Penny, Buckhotz (our ace), Roy Halliday (after we give them Becket and Lester, Papelbon and Buckhotz) and Jason Gabbard.”

“it's Kason!”

“Hey...how can you trade away Buckhotz and still call him your ace!”

“Wow...good point. So that's what happened to Masterson and I thought he left the country. Man...have to get Bart Colon back. Maybe we can trade Oki for him. I like giving away real talent to get even better talent!”

“Theo...OK...I'll do the minors thing but let's face it...you need the ECT treatment.

“That reminds me...I need to extend J.D.'s contract. His back problems and groin problems have really helped the team down the stretch!”

“Good bye Theo.”

“And let's not forget about Jed Lowrie. We can get rid of him and get Julio Lugo back. I like dumping players then getting them back! That shows good sense.”

“Good bye Theo!”

“OK...but when I get done with you, I've got to work on getting Pedro Martinez. He'll help our staff out!”

Couldn't help myself

Dice-K Gets Controversial

Well, I know I stopped doing this blog but this situation with Dice-K, I couldn't say no!

Newsflash:

Dice-K told Japanese reporters that the training methods of the United States were going to cripple his ability to continue to pitch in the American league. Further, he also stated that he only survived this far because he was running on the energy of Japan training techniques.

Response:

In a small statement, Dice-K managed to destroy relations with the Boston Red Sox.

Newsflash:

Dice-K, to American reporters managed to state that it was a female reporter that messed up what was obviously an excellent working relationship with America and that his words were misconstrued.

Response:

Dice-K managed to offend a female reporter and the Japanese press.

Newsflash:

Dice-K said that the Red Sox were giving him psychotropic medication and electro shock treatment to continue his 'debilitating training and made him, under torture, to confess that a female reporter was the problem.

Response:

The entire Japanese press were screaming as yet another example of American tyranny and the Boston Red Sox were pretty boiling mad.

Newsflash:

Dice-K said to American audiences that Japanese reporters were threatening to blow up all of New York city with a new form or neutrino ray gun unless he told them these violent lies. Dice-K said he valued the home as an excellent getaway place when he signs with the Yankees next year.

Response:

After angering the Japanese audiences and the Boston Red Sox, everyone was waiting what Dice- would have to say next to get out of this one.

Newsflash:

Dice-K said the entire incident was a function of the drugs the Yankees were force feeding him while disguised as Japanese reporters. Dice-K said the drugs were changing him into a woman so that he would sign with the Yankees. Dice-K also said that there is no neutrino death ray and that was a function of a bad science fiction book he had just read.

Moral of the Story:

Dice-K – Shut up!

Saying Good night

A blog is as much of a feedback operation as an endeavor to write quality material. My life is a busy one and with little input I just can't justify the time that is needed to keep it fresh and exciting (if I even did that).
Therefore I'm taking a break for a while. Perhaps I'll try something else like a podcast, but in the meantime, the Red Sox blog is closed, shut down and silent.
The archives are still there so I hope you enjoy reading them. In the meantime, may the Sox have a great season and may your life be filled with happiness.
Dave...