Red Sox fan appreciation day at Fenway

Joe Derive
Hi, I'm Joe Derive and you probably are just as 'excited' as I am about fan appreciation day at Fenway.  The Boston Red Sox, in conjunction with many fine Boston area restaurants are proud to offer free food day at Fenway.  That's right, all the food is free and all you can eat...so why do I smell a rat.  Nah, Red Sox ownership loves their fans,

Larry Lucchino:
'We're very excited about all-you-can-eat food at Fenway.  This is an amazing way for us, the Fenway owners to thank the loyal fans.

Joe Derive:
Ya, thanks for looking directly at me Larry!

Larry:
I also excited for the Fenway fateful as we feel 'green with envy' at what lies ahead.

Joe:
Are you even listening to me?

Larry:
Of course Joe. I always listen to the press and our fans.  Now, let us present some of the food. 

 Joe:
 I can't wait Larry. All this free food.  Gonna be awesome!

Larry
I know what you mean Joe...now let me put on these heavy industrial gloves so-as I don't contaminate the amazing food we have to offer on Free Food Day. 

Joe:
Ya whatever, let's see the FOOD!

Larry
First we call this the snowjob hotdog.  Oh man can you smell it!

Joe:
Holy #$#$#$!!!!

Larry:
Come on Joe.  It's an exciting delicacy.  You know food mold has great nutrition and tastes so good with a beer and we're giving away the first five for only $4.00 a piece.

Joe:
So you actually are CHARGING for this!

Larry:
Of course.  Our fans want to pay through the nose.  Now, in addition we're really proud to present our all natural dip for nachos.  Made from a garden...of excellent nutrition...ah...fans will drop dead over this delicious worm pie and it's available to any fan that can sit through an entire game.  The cost is only $20.00 and it's a great family friendly treat!

Joe:
You've got to be kidding Larry!  That food would be condemned by the poorest of the poor.

Larry:
Now Joe, don't worry about quantities because we have TONS of food to feed the fans.  Just look at our refrigerated section that I am just DYING over.  I mean who wouldn't die over this yummy treat and it's all for the fans whom we love so much.  That's why we dumped Tito Francona and got Bobby Valentine and it wasn't his fault.  It was the fans who drove this generous man out of town.

Joe:
No, get me out of here...or at least get me away from this food. 
 
Larry:
Come on Joe.  This is fan appreciation day.

Joe:
And I'm sure they'd appreciate if you resigned!


Larry:
Wait I have to eat too.  Here is my meal.  It's gross compared to our fine food we're serving to our fans but we put them first -- NEVER ourselves now if you'll excuse me I have to eat on my boat then it's off to Liverpool. 

Joe:
No way are you enjoying this while the fans suffer!

Larry:
The fans are NOT suffering. 

Joe:
They will be if they eat this food!!!

Joe:
I'm Joe Derive and boy...do I need a real job!

60 Minutes Interview Bobby Jenks

Laura Logan:
Bobby Jenks had a very promising career until two back surgeries and a hit and run sidelined a once promising and successful career as one of the great closers in all of Major League Baseball.  Tonight, Bobby sits down with me to talk about his career and his new show 'Double Fist' to which he promotes drinking and other horrible behaviors and dares call it his rehabilitation program.  All that and more tonight on 60 Minutes.


Bobby, what do you want to say to the fans out there who are asking themselves, how could such a promising athlete fall from grace so quickly.

Bobby Jenks:
Ah...are those real?

Laura Logan
Excuse me?

Bobby Jenks
Just asking...I'm sure you've been asked that before right?

Laura
Bobby, right now it gives me great satisfaction to know that you're on 60 minutes, a nationally televised program on CBS that reaches millions of households who often see celebrities make utter fools of themselves. 

Bobby Jenks
Got that...so...are those real?

Laura Logan:
Oh for heavens sake Bobby...yes they are real.  Are you happy now!


Bobby:
Ah...could I see them!

Laura Logan
Why me...OK Mr. Jenks,  you are currently suing your doctors over allegations that they wrecked your career through two back surgeries but isn't it true that you got drunk inside an adult establishment, drove off after hitting a car and received an arrest.

Bobby:
Those are so hot you know that!

Laura Logan
Mr. Jenks, can you comment on your arrest.

Bobby:
Ah...can you arrest me?

Laura Logan.
I'm taking to Beavis and Butthead.  Somebody help me.

Bobby Jenks:
Oh I love those guys.  They remind me of me.  Double Fist!!!!!

Laura Logan
Mr. Jenks you assured us that you were going to act as a professional...

Bobby Jenks
Oh I'm a professional all right Miss Loogan.

Laura Logan.
CUT!!!!  You couldn't pay me enough to interview this loser!  Mr. Jenks good luck on your...'career'

Bobby Jenks
Hey wait...can I have your phone number!!!

Laura Logan.
 GOOD BYE!

Bobby Jenks
Stupid Jack Daniels.  I knew I should have had a Rolling Rock!

THE END

Alfredo Aceves speaks about fight

Alfredo Aceves once again was in yet another fight stating once again that he had NOTHING to do with the fight what so ever.

Alfredo:
I am an even tempered human being.  Anger, of course, is confusing to me.  I hardly know the word.  I am 'MR. calm.'

Joe Derive:
So you're saying that nothing gets you angry.

Alfredo:
Yes...that's what I am saying.

Joe Derive:
So if I say, I don't know, told you that you're short and ugly you won't have a problem with that.

Alfredo.
Excuse me may I use your computer to send an email?

Joe:
I guess so...ah...Alfredo...you don't send an email with a baseball bat!!!!

Alfredo began smashing my keyboard with his bat.  It was disturbing...but fortunately I got that PC at a junk yard sale.

Alfredo:
NOBODY CALLS ME THAT.  I'll BREAK HIS HEAD OPEN!!!!!!!!!!

Alfredo; (returning to seat)
Anyway...where were we?

Joe:
You were smashing my computer to the ground.

Alfredo:
No...I was simply stretching my muscles...they get sore.

Joe:
So...really you...are considered by many to be a violent ill tempered person.

Alfredo:
Joe, it's hot in here.  Can I open up a window?

Joe:
Of course.

Alfredo apparently has a different idea of how to open up a window.

Alfredo:
I'll shove those words up somebodies throat!


Alfredo:
Feel better Joe.  It was awfully hot in here.

Joe:
That usually happens when you smash a hole in the wall and smash a computer.

Alfredo:
I need that chair to sit down Joe.  I'm tired.

Alfredo:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh

Joe:
I'm Joe Derive and welcome to baseball 2013...Ouch!