News and other Tidbits

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and you're probably wondering about all that's happening on the Red Sox. Here are the highlights.

"Julio Lugo's new cook book is to be called 'Losing Weight from Beyond the Grave."

Julio Lugo, former shortstop for the Red Sox published his first book of recipes which he co-authored with cooking show guru Arnie. Lugo, who suffered a major fatality after exploding the restaurant he was testing his recipies in called the book "my last hurrah." While Arnie's recipies are great, Lugo's include:

Chicken Fetish casserole
Shrimp Maggot Burgers
Hot Dog s with Rice and chocolate pudding

and other such combinations that made me want to lose weight.

"Boof Bonser Getting Tired of Practical Jokes."

Boof Bonser has to have a sense of humor otherwise he couldn't have dealt with a name like Boof Bonser but having the entire Red Sox team chuckle uncontrollably including Theo Epstein who actually smiled was too much. We all wish Boof well at his recovery at the insane asylum where everyone who treats him apparently breaks out in laughter so much that he has been unable to find a therapist to treat him. Boof recently changed his name to "Butthole Bonser and feels that will finally give him the dignity he deserves.

"Scott Boras Says Rib Cage Optional Accessory."

Scott Boras, known for his infinite compassion states that Rib Cages are overblown accessories and that Jacobe will function just find without one.
"Once he removes it the pain will be gone and he can play baseball again and I can get more money out of him.'
We all felt moved by Scott's compassion and wish Jacobe well in his decision. Scott, for once SHUT UP

"Adrian Beltre...Three Stooges A Role Model for him."
Adrian Beltre says that slapstick comedy was a great way to learn baseball.
"When I saw Curly do his stuff, I thought -- I can do that too!"
Beltre seems to be doing it every night compiling errors like mad. He fumbles, he can't throw and he can't catch and neither can Scutaro. They are being called the Fools Gold Twins but Theo likes to call them "Another great selection ".

I'm Joe Derive and I think I'm going insane as well.