Tito Francona Wants To Retire

It's not easy being Tito Francona. Lately, it's been very hard to be Tito Francona. Imagine a team like the 2010 Red Sox and Theo Epstein as your general manager.
"Wow, let's get rid of Justin Masterson for the great catcher Victor Martinez. Ya, he doesn't catch anymore but that won't affect him. Ya, that move certainly won't come back to haunt us. They don't call me Right-Move Theo for nothing!"

Somehow getting lung cancer from smoking didn't seem like a big deal to Tito anymore. Ya, he could continue smoking.

"Wow, Andrian Beltre really is an all star defensive player. He won't be making any errors for the Red Sox. Ya, I know what I'm doing Tito! They don't call me Crazy Theo for nothing!"

That's when Terry Francona decided he couldn't quit drinking.

"Wow, John Lackey will be great on this team! Certainly he won't lose game after game after game and cost us a ton of money! They don't call me Burn-The-Money Theo for nothing!"

That's when Terry Francona decided he couldn't quit popping pills.

"Wow, Boof Bonser. He will be our best arm in the bullpen. With a name like Boof, it, it just calls to me Tito. Do you know what I mean. I have to have him. "

That's when Tito decided he couldn't quit sniffing glue.

"Wow, let's get a 37 year old player and stick him in center field. Certainly Jacobe won't have a problem playing left field. It's not like an all star third baseman is going to break his ribs or something and even if it happens, certainly Mike Cameron won't get hurt. They don't call me Theo Gold-Mine Epstein for nothing. "

That's when Tito decided he couldn't quit setting his hair on fire.

"Wow, Dice-K was a great investment. Certainly he won't give us any problems in 2010. He's such a team player. He won't do things like give us an attitude and pitch like he's 80 years old. They don't call me Prophet-Theo for nothing!"

Somehow setting Theo's car on fire didn't seem like a bad thing anymore.

'Wow, Tito, we do all these great moves and the Sox don't play well. That's certainly not MY fault. They don't call me Slick Theo for nothing!"

That's when Tito decided to retire.