A boiling mad John Lackey stormed into John Farrell's office. He had lost the game blowing an early lead. He was very angry it seemed considering the rocket launcher he carried in his arm.
"I hate BOSTON. They say Lackey no have CONTROL! I have control of my temper. I show them with my bazooka! Blow their heads off."
John waved his hands into the air.
"They were talking about your pitching control...Johnny. They were not talking about your temper."
Johnny let down his bazooka.
"Oh, OK. I don't care about that. You guys pay me even if I suck which is most of the time. Have you seen my mommy?"
"We all know that Looney Johnny, "forcibly smiled John Farrell.
"OK, I'm done now. You seen my sippy cup?"
"Bye Johnny."
John signed and leaned back at his desk. Clay Buckhotz came in.
"Johnny, them guys on the team offered me 160 proof whiskey. They say it's gonna make me smarterer. My Daddy says that with my intelligence, I shouldn't consider getting drunk. Might damage whatever gray matter I have left."
"That's good advice Clay."
"Then...I should..."
"no, no, no. No alcohol of any sort for you. You need to avoid that. Just remember...LUGO!"
"Oh ya...thanks John."
Clay left the place. John watched the steam from his coffee travel up a path to the ceiling. He was tired. The team was a bunch of nutcases.
"John!!! I need more of those erection pills..."
"You mean...stimulation pills Andrian....stimulation pills."
<< FLASHBACK <<
"Gotta get that ball....It's mine. John gave me pills...gotta...crap I broke Ellsbury's ribs."
<< FLASHBACK <<
"Gotta get that ball...it's mine. John gave me stimulation pills...gotta...crap I broke Hermida's ribs."
>> PRESENT TIME >>
"I really don't think you need that anymore Beltre. People are afraid to be near you on the playing field."
"But...I need it. I feel so worn out and draggy all the time. "
"Adrian, you're draggy is everyone else on caffeine pills. You make Daffy Duck seem lethargic."
(long pause)
"That means you make Daffy Duck seem boring to watch."
"OK well I can deal with that. OK...I'm OK "
The door closed.
"I gotta find me a new job."
Theo walked in sitting down.
"For next year, we need to keep John Lackey. He's exceeded expectations in subtle ways. We need to get rid of Clay and Lester. I feel we can trade them for a big bat like Jeff Mathis of the Reds. He may be considered the worst player in the league right now but I feel that we need to outbid ourselves and get him. "
"Clay and Lester are the best pitchers of our staff."
"They will ask for too much money. We can't keep them and expect to afford great players like J.D. Drew."
"Excuse me Theo, I feel a headache coming on."
"I think I know the problem. You're upset that I want to trade Daniel Bard for Scott Olsen who has a 2 and 9 record and that's not enough to guarantee a trade. Don't worry, I threw in Jonathan Papelbon to guarantee it. "
"Theo, I have a press conference in ten minutes."
"OK...bye."
>> Ten Minutes Later
"John, how do you feel the pitching staff is shaping up to be this year."
"Ah..."
"John, how excited were you at the John Lackey purchase and do you now feel it wasn't worth the money."
"Ah....
"John, why is Tim Wakefield being treated so poorly by a team that once honored him."
"Ah..."
>> LATER
John sat back in his office.
"That went well, " he thought to himself.
The phone rang.
"Great press conference, John...maybe next time you'll actually answer a question or two!"
John only had one thing to say... "Ah..."
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