Dan Cherington's Press Conference

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I couldn't believe that they rehired me -- and just in time for Dan Cherington's press conference. Oh, here he comes now!

"Hi everyone. I am so excited to be here. You know starring at a computer screen for SOOO many years makes a man hungry for a beer. Anyway, ask away because I am the new face of the Red Sox."

I have to say this was not a good start.

"Mr. Cherington, could you comment on why Jonathan Papelbon wasn't even given an offer by the Sox? I mean this is a premiere closer."

Dan leans back.

"You know, my daddy used to say to me...son...do you ever feel that your lack of brains slows you down in life?"

Dan leans forward.

"I am the Red Sox CEO and other things and the last thing I am going to do is sign a closer when there are so many out there. I mean closers are a dime-a-dozen. Look at 2007 when Eric Gagne won us a World Series or when Roger Clemens won the 1875 World Series. Don't you worry."

I have to say that Dan is making me wish for Theo's return.

"Dan, do you think the Red Sox will have a manager soon!"

"Glad you asked that. I mean we were all set for the third base coach. As my father used to say -- 'son, sometimes a fish is best observed underwater...and I have no idea what he meant by that.' Anyway, he was a great choice as we spoke the same language. We knew that ten plus ten is twenty five. Anyway, John Henry suggested I drive my car into a tree...which I took meant he wanted another choice for manager. "

"Dan, what about Tim Wakefield? Will you sign him?"

"Well, I gotta tell ya. Everyone here loves Tim Wakefield and he needs to know right away he's a washout...I mean what his role is-- if any -- which isn't much of a role. So like as my father used to say -- 'son, when you bake a cake, use a pan and not a bowl and break a few eggs and toss some of that in there until you're sure its cooled off...and I have no idea what he meant by that."

"Dan, what about Theo Epstein. Why did the Red Sox let him go and then deal with bargaining talks...and don't tell us about your father."

Dan leans back.

"I gotta tell ya, that was really dumb of me to suggest that. What was I thinking. It's like my father used to say -- 'son, when you drive your car always remember that its you and not the other drivers that determine their destiny because destiny is like a duck swimming on water and not like a whale eating fish. I have no idea what I mean by that son.' So that should sum it up...hey you guys like country music."

Dan pulled out his guitar despite our screams.

When I was a young boy,
and my Daddy held my hand,
He told me what was right and wrong,
and he told me what was bad,
Then one day he told me that,
Sometimes things go wrong,
But just remember that things don't get no right

La, la, la la la, la la la la la

When I grew up I found my stake of life,
It was a really nice steak that I broiled by the fire,
I wish she was near me so we could make our love,
Then by then the steak would be cooked,
and I'd add some onions too,
I fell like the harmonica,
is marinating my heart,

La la la la la la la la la

"Next question please..."

Like I said everyone, I really miss Theo Epstein all of a sudden.