Theo's Press Conference

Theo Epstein sat on the brink of power resting against the boardroom table examining his staff. He had Arnie, his cook, Ellen, his player advisor, Andrew, his lawyer, Garry his baseball consultant, and Greg his history consultant.

"OK, what we need for the first press conference..."

"Get Mike Lowell for a manager, "shouted Ellen.

Theo, who felt his headache coming back sighed.

"Ellen, Mike is doing well with a radio show. He has a bad hip. Now I am thinking instead of Eric Gagne for the closer. Cheap buy at 4.5 million per year."

Theo heard a thumping and turned to Garry.

"Calm down Garry. It's a smart move. I've used the this type of logic to bring the Red Sox to third place two years in a row for a cost of over $450 million so I know what I'm doing. "

"Mike Lowell...please. "

Theo shook his head.

"Greg, what do you think?"

'I'm a Roman historian and you're asking me? However if you want my opinion..."

"No not really...not when Julio Lugo will be the new Cubs new manager. "

"What the #$#$ " shouted everyone.

"Calm down, "said Theo. "I'm in control. When I get through the Cubs will be in at least forth place with a proud $500 million dollar budget. "

"You're insane, "shouted Gary.

"And...loving it, "smiled Theo. "Anyway, I have a press conference...thanks for the Vodka Arnie!"

"No problem, "smiled Arnie.

......... LATER............

"...Yes, I think Chicago's future is here...how...wow its getting hot in here. Is the room spinning."

'Mr. Epstein, what is your policy about drinking in the clubhouse."

"Great question. I and my Chicagut peoplers will support no more drink in the clubhouse. We feel that drink is really bad and...wow its hot in here. "

"Ah, sir, are you OK?"

"Fine, fine, fine, fine...just fine and I am fine...wow I feel good. Hey, how many Chicago Cubs does it take to change a lightburp...bulb...ah...ya, next qwestion...ha ha that's funny."

"Mr. Epstein, two questions. One what moves are the most important for you in getting Chicago back on the map and two...are you drunk?"

"Dwunk, no dwunk....ha...as far as moves I think better uniforms. I was thinking of pink and lavendar....ah...I want a donut...somebody get me a donut...hey its too hot in here. I'm taking my clothes off."

"Sir...I think the press conference is over."

"Ovah, ovah, nevah. I am the King. I'm the King of the World. I'm BATMAN. Where's Robin and the Batmobile. The Joker is in town. Beam me up Scotty..."

"Sir, get off the stage now."

"Now, I will not. They made me an offer I can't refuse. I'm Wonder Woman....ah...wow I'm roasting. Get these clothes off..."

............. LATER.........

"Andrew, I made a complete fool of myself. What do I do now?'

"Ah, as your lawyer I have only two words -- resign now."