One more year.

The rain drained the life of the four who stood against the card table tossing away time in the midst of a rain delay. Jason kept starring at Victor Martinez between hands.
"Fold, " said Mike.
"Hey Jason, come on, show your cards."
Jason came up empty tossing the cards down like driftwood.
David tossed his cards down as well. A full house.
Tim tossed his cards down littering the table. David took the chips and let the small monument of winnings pile up against his chest.
"Might even call the game. Who can play in this weather, "whispered Mike.
"Doug always knew what to say, "said Tim leaning against the chair. Doug Mirabelli was the old catcher of Tim Wakefield. Whatever you said about Doug, he could make anyone laugh.
"Hard to give up, "said Mike starring at the crew lounging around. He used to do it as well but that was another time.
"What was your best moment Mikey, " asked Jason.
Mike sat back and said, "2007 MVP. What about you Tim?"
Tim leaned back and said, "2009, a near no hiter. That was good...what about you David?"
David leaned back and said, "David Letterman. I like TV. Shows my good side."
The straight face and smug attitude made everyone laugh including Jason.
"Oh man, I think my favorite moment was when Schilling missed a no hitter by one out."
Mike leaned forward and said, "are you serious?"
Jason laughed and said, "hey I told him not to call a fastball!"
The laughter was reflective. Schilling came within one out of a no-hitter and turned down Jason's request of a slider. The rest is history.
"Oh man, is this what it's going to be like? "
The question from Jason paused the voices around the table. Sighs ripped through the table.
"Downhill from here, "smirked Mikey. Pretty soon I'll be doing beer ads."
"I'd like to open up a research facility, "said Tim Wakefield. "Maybe cure cancer or something or maybe hair loss. I'm not sure what's more important."
Jason spit out the coke he was drinking. It sprayed on everyone.
"Oh man I will miss this, "said Mike.
David sighed and said, "we all will. All of us right Tim."
Tim nodded knowing his days were numbered.
"We have a hell of a lot of memories, "said Jason. "Two World Series rings and you getting your uniform out of Yankee Stadium.
David chuckled and said, "I gave them luck. They win the world series a year later. "
"I never should have signed that contract, "snapped Mike. "Theo caught me at the right time and frankly, right now, I just want to give it up. I can't take being on the bench. I hate it."
It sucked the air out of the room.
"We have now Mikey. We have now."
Jason turned his head at Victor Martinez. One more year he told himself...one more year.

Lugo is at it again

Ever wondered what happened to Julio Lugo when he left the Cardinals?

Tony LaRussa, the infamous manager of the Cardinals took a call one day that would change his life. The trade for Julio Lugo was giving him migranes. This guy proved once and for all that Theo Epstein was a complete idiot...not that he would ever say it.
"Ya."
"Baltimore Orioles."
"What?"
A pause. Tony thought about it. Somehow he felt flowers rise from the ground and the air...yes the air felt fresh and sweet.
"Lugo...ya...ah...he's great!"
"What...that guy eats s--t for breakfast."
Tony practically threw a hand grenade at Chris Carpenter, a pitcher for the team.
"What...no we were talking about the food around here...bad...really bad."
A pause. Perhaps Tony could save the call.
"Oh ya, I would...stake my reputation on...Lugo. Ya, he's great."
Tony suddenly felt nausea flow over his brain.
"No, he's great. I mean the team is of course really sad to see him go but.."
A pause. Cheering rang in the background.
"No, no, it was just we learned of...ah...undiscovered papers of Thomas Jefferson...everyone here is a big history fan...and all."
A pause.
"Ya, you will...LOVE him. Ya, I'm just so...sad to see him go but...please...don't let my feelings get in the way. This is baseball."
A pause. The cheering stopped. The entire team was huddled around Tony.
"OK, OK...ya...I'll let management know. Lugo will be so sad to leave."
The phone hung up. Tony hugged the players.
"Gentlemen, we have rid ourselves of Lugo."
Julio walked in. The uniform was on fire. He waved it around trying to stop the fire.
"LUGO!!!!" shouted Tony.
"Man guys, portable stoves and open containers of gasoline sure don't mix. "
Tony let the pencil he had in his hand fall gently on the carpet.
"Lugo...is the clubhouse on fire?"
"Don't worry boss, I'll save my uniform but I tell ya, I ain't going in there to get the oxygen tank out. It's too dangerous."
Smoke and fire filled the clubhouse.
"EACH MAN FOR HIMSELF!"

Bad Idea Jeans ...Red Sox edition

The basketball court was filled with life. The Red Sox players and management, all sporting their "Bad Idea" jeans.
"Hey guys."
"Hey Dustin."
"Hey guys, I signed on to do a sitcom about the town I grew up in. It's really funny but it does get a bit nasty about the people of my town but heck they have a sense of humor about these things."

(BAD IDEA)

"Hey Theo"
"Hey guys"
"I decided to keep Mike Lowell benched and have David Ortiz DH. Best idea since I signed Julio Lugo!"

(BAD IDEA)

"I decided guys to tell everyone I'm gay. I mean it shouldn't be a problem. The world is pretty open minded especially Bostonians, " said Julio Lugo.

(BAD IDEA)

"Big Papi decided its time to change my swing to a whole different level. That shouldn't affect my average too much."

(BAD IDEA)

"I think I'm going to add the change up along with the fastball and slider and splitter and curveball and split fingered fastball. I figure the more pitches I add, I can get away with throwing them all like crap", said Papelbon.

(BAD IDEA)

"Hey Drew.'
"You know, everyone said I have no sense of humor and am boring, but I've decided to tell jokes like why did the baseball player cross the road..."
"To get to the ballpark. I mean...I can't stop laughing. Watch out world. Here comes Drew with a sense of humor."

(REALLY BAD IDEA)

"I decided to tell everyone that I took steroids and am a total ass. ", smiled Manny Ramirez

(GOOD IDEA)

But when you have a bad idea, there are "Bad Idea" jeans.

Joe Derive and Theo Epstein

Hey Red Sox fans,

OK, nothing to cheer about but there is hope for the future. Recently, I interviewed Theo Epstein and got the inside scoop on the Red Sox and then had a few drinks afterwards.

"Theo, there is lots of talk on what happened with Julio Lugo."

"Well, we felt we had a great shortstop that just failed to perform up to expectations. Julio certainly gave his all and we're sorry that it didn't work out for us which sometimes is a pattern that we have to come to terms with."

(Translation: Lugo sucked no matter how hard he tried, and we're still paying him. Boy did I mess that up...again)

"Many are certainly questioning David Ortiz and his role in the Red Sox uniform. What is his future?"

"It's far too eary to answer that question. David is exhibiting great struggles at the plate but the Red Sox are fully behind him. David's role reflects our role so we want him to succeed. "

(Translation: David's time is over, and he sucks as much as I do right now and he's making me look bad but how hard is that."

"Mike Lowell has given so much to this organization and its so hard to see him struggle the way he has. Is there a role for Mike."

"Unfortunately, Mikey has not succeeded the way we hoped and I just can't see a future role for him in this organization but Mike is certainly capable of retiring in a Red Sox uniform and we will miss him. Our main concern right now is finding someone as D.H. if David fails to live up to his end of the bargain."

(Translation: I'm too stupid to see Mikey as the next D.H. and would rather see him retire and do nothing than give him a chance to succeed."

"What are plans for Dice-K and how dissapointed were you when he failed to pitch the entire season.'

"Our organization strives to get the best 25 players on the field. Sometimes that doesn't always work out that way. It's so easy to explore a few minor descrepencies and overlook two world championships and certainly Dice-K fits into that mix.

(Translation: Have mercy on me. I know I suck and make really stupid decisions and I should be fired, but that's not my problem...oh ya, we were talking about Dice-K."

"Do you guys keep up with players like Justin Masterson and Victor Martinez or Jason bay who have moved on to other teams and makde great carreers for themselves."

"We are certainly happy for the contributions that these players have given to the Red Sox organization. Sadly we were unable to keep them despite their great talents and that is always an unfortunate situation in the world of baseball where the Red Sox has only so much room and money for this talent. It's certainly not my fault that these people were unable to stay but consider Eric Gagne. We offered him a contract and he turned it down."

(Translation: I don't even realize the fact that these players are superstars and am much more content to talk about Eric Gagne who was about the biggest disaster in the history of my stay but what do I know. I'm still trying to get the air out of my brain so I can think again."

Whew, anyway you wonder why the Sox are struggling right?

Law and Order meets Boston

My wife and I have become big fans of Law and Order, S.V.U. One of the characters played by B.D. Wong is a psychologist who also works for the F.B.I. It's a totally absurd idea that is ripe for satire so Tracy...this is for you.

The Red Sox were playing in New York with Dustin Pedroia saw the room next to his become a horrific murder scene. Fortunately the Special Victim's Unit was on the job.

"Detective Munch, what do we have here?"
"Captain, the body was found by Dustin Pedroia, a Red Sox superstar. We have a woman in her 30's with multiple stab wounds. Problem is we have a low grade atomic weapon next to her. I've got a call to the bomb squad but they say we're looking at least one hour..."
"Don't bother, doesn't our psychologist Wong have a PH.D. in Physics."
"Damn, I forgot that. "
(LATER...Dr. Wong enters...)
"No question, it's a low grade fission bomb. I've had to learn about these for my graduate thesis but you people have another problem."
"What's that, "asked the captain.
"These fossils. The killer obviously has a hobby in paleontology and we need to identify them and that may help us find the killer."
Munch interjected and said, "you have a doctrine in Paleontology from Stanford right?"
"Well, I can identify them but stuff like this walks into F.B.I. territory."
"Well, aren't you F.B.I. Wong?"
"Oh, ya, I forgot. OK, I'll get right on it!"
(Later...)
"OK, I got the FBI data back. Looks like a group of serial killer scientists. The cult originated in..."
"Let me guess, " snapped Munch. "Cleveland right?"
"Unfortunately yes but it gets worse!"
"How so?"
"Well, the murder was done with too much precision. It looks like a kidney specialist might have been involved based on the damage to the kidneys."
"Well, you're a kidney surgeon Wong, have you narrowed it down?"
"Oh I got the killer. He made one mistake which was to forget that NYPD has a trained psychologist, paleontologist, anthropologist, kidney specialist, physicist and chemist along with an FBI agent all in one person."
"What is this TV?" snapped the captain.

"So, Dr. Wong, you identified the bomb as a low grade fission device, is that correct!"
"Yes, I checked the F.B.I. database and found the connection with the paleontologist, who, as I found out, specialized in the Eocene era which of course is post Mezozoic. He was very interesteed in the creodont species..."
"Objection, this is a psychologist, not a paleontologist."
"Your honor, let me present into evidence Dr. Wong, Paleontologist with a specialty in the Paleocene era."
The judge looks at the credentials.
"Looks good to me."
"Dr. Wong, you also found evidence of various chemical weapons on site!"
"Yes..."
"Objection, he is not a chemist."
"Your honor, let me present to you the credentials of Dr. Wong from Standard who has a Ph.d in chemistry."
Dr. Wong continued.
"Yes various chemical weapons which I analyzed in the lab. Mainly nerve agents."
"Dr. Wong, you also found what were the remains of human fossils."
"Objection, Dr. Wong is not an anthropologist."
"Your honor, let me present to you with Dr. Wong who has his PH.D in Antropology from UCLA."
Dr Wong continued.
"We found several species of man including the famed Lucy. Whomever this was, certainly knew his science but what concerned me most was the DNA testing equipment from..."
"Objection, there is no way in hell he can have a degree in life sciences."
"Your honor, let me present to you Dr. Wong's degree in microbiology from Stanfard."
The judge looked at Dr. Wong.
"How many degrees do you have?"
"I have twenty seven doctrines, speak fifteen languages and can communicate with the dead sir. I have a condition that forces me to be awake at all times of the day. That with my photographic memory and 3600 IQ means provides the means to generate such a schedule."
The judge turned towards the court.
"What is this...TV?" snapped the judge.

Umpire's do whine

A cloudy day for Joe West.
"The day is so cloudy. Why can't them scientists fix the weather to my liking. Man a bunch of losers!"
Joe walked out to the cab and stepped inside closing the door inside of him.
"Man this cab is small. What is the politically correct thin cab or something! You bum, make a better cab."
The driver turned around and said,
"destination....please"
"Ya, Fenway Park the home of the losers. !"
The driver shook his head. The cab drove off.
"Next time I call a game, David Ortiz is going to get everything against him and Josh Beckett will have to beg to get a called strike...you just wait!"
"Won't that make the game longer, "sputtered out the driver.
"Hey, the next time I ask you for advise I'll hurl!"
The driver rolled his eyes and pulled the cab forward.
"You cabs are always overcharging. It's a conspiracy. I'm not paying."
The driver slammed the brakes and said, "get out!"
Joe huffed and puffed out of the cab and rolled to the ground getting up. He waved down another cab.
The next block, Joe rolled out of that cab and fell to the ground. A string of obscenities followed Joe's arrival on the sidewalk.
The next cab arrived...and drove right past Joe. Joe instead wobbled his way to the ballpark barely able to control himself huffing and puffing and choking for air. Fortunately it was only two more blocks.
Joe walked into the park and cursed everyone in sight calling them fat, lazy, stupid people so it should be no surprise that Joe got slugged in the stomach but the punch bounced like a rubber ball so Joe didn't feel anything.
"Stupid people, "he cursed.
Joe then went to the locker to examine the baseballs. He rejected them all and then threw them all over the field in a massive tempter tantrum. He also suffered a collapse after exerting so much energy in throwing all those balls on the field.
.
It was two hours later when Beckett threw his first pitch.
"BALL!"
Beckett was mystified as well as the crowd. The pitch was straight down the tunnel.
"BALL"
Beckett threw his hands in the air and was ejected from the game. Tito came out and got thrown out.
"I own you all. I am the KING! I am GOD. Worship me. Do you hear me!"
Poor Joe. He went on and on like that until it was decided that he needed some help. If you ever want an umpire you can find Joe at the Boston center for Idiots. He's their only client.

Theo and Henry oh my!

2007
Theo Epstein was sitting in his office smiling at the World Series win.
"Why did we get Eric Gagne...losing a top prospect in the process? That was the worst decision you ever made!"
It was John Henry, who, despite the celebration, felt like something was wrong with the equation."
Theo sat there null of spirit.
John shrugged his shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking banana peels."

2008
Theo was in his office. Not a great year by any stretch of the imagination.
"Why did we get Julio Lugo...losing a great shortstop in the process? That was even worse than Gagne."
It was John Henry, who, despite the bad year felt even worse by having Lugo on the team.
Theo sat there null of spirit.
John shrugged his shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking juiced tomato leaves with garlic."

2008...a week later.
Theo was in his office planning 2009.
"Why did we pick J.D. Drew who is always hurt?"
Theo sat there null of spirit.
John shrugged his shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to quit popping birth control pills."

2009...start of year
Theo was in his office excited about the great season ahead.
"Why did we pick Julio Lugo as our shortstop? That was the worst decision you ever made."
Theo sat their null of spirit.
John shrugged his shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing crazy glue mixed with chocolate pudding!"

2009 New Years Eve
It was a really long winter. John Henry trotted into Theo's office.
"Why did we lose a great shortstop and get this guy from Toronto. I mean...I can't take much more of this with smoking, sniffing glue, drinking and popping pills?"
Theo sat there null of spirit.
John shrugged his shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to stop getting run over by cars."

2010...start of year
It was a really long year and even Christmas didn't help John feel better.
"Why did we get Dice-K in the first place. The man is a total waste of money."
Theo sat there null of spirit.
John shrugged his aching shoulders and walked out saying, "looks like I picked the wrong week to stop setting myself on fire!"