An Interview with Kevin Youk

Kevin Youkilis

Kevin gave up a lot to play third base. He's had competition with Beltre and Mike Lowell but at last now he's on his own at third. I asked him what it was like to move over to the hot spot.

“I like it. The chit-chat at first base can be tough you know. You know how it is. The guy gets a hit and suddenly they're just chatting away but I'm OK with that. I mean it never really bothered me and all. “

That water cooler chatter also requires any first baseman to greet the player. It's just part of the tradition. Kevin's a bit wound tight so I wondered how he felt about it.

“Not that big a deal. I mean you know, maybe I don't want to hear about Derek Jeter's interest in evolutionary taxonomy. I mean the man could go on for hours on this and I have to hear every minute of it. “

I began to notice Kevin's eyebrows begin to tighten and his face begin to tighten and his hands begin to tighten. Ah, no big deal.

“I mean I've learned a lot like about sexual dimorphism. I mean that's only because he never shuts up about it but that never bothered me. I mean I could read a barf bag and I swear he'll talk to me about genetic drift and group selection and...What in hell is genetic drift? I don't even know what a gene is? Anyway, no big deal. “

Now I know he said 'not-a-big-deal' but you know Kevin. Passionate fella. I do admit that he was starting to scare me after he brought out a large bag and starting unzipping it.

“I mean we're ten runs down and Julio Lugo gets to first. Boy he sure was passionate about that show. Youky, come on my show or Youky, consider what atmosphere you'll bring. It's at 3:30 in the morning. The only atmosphere I want is unconsciousness! I wish Arnie would make him a frickin acid bath and make him eat it. Excuse me.”

I was grateful Kevin felt better after firing a few rounds of his 44 Magnum handgun. Fortunately nobody got hurt but boy he was sure aiming for Dice-K a lot.

“Of course most of the time it wasn't a big deal. Remember Manny Ramirez. Oh, I'm going in the Hall Of Fame or oh how great it is I'm raking in the money while you're...who are you again. Oh, I just let it roll off my sleeve. Ah, excuse me a second. “

It was then I was getting worried when Youk took the camera I had and smashed it into the ground. Why he carries around an AK-47 is a mystery to me but I'm really glad nobody was on the field at this moment for this interview.

“I mean, I'm here to compete. You get that. My job is to compete not to listen to ballplayers talking about...oh did I mention cooking tips. I mean, who needs cooking tips from Rachel Ray. Hey Micheal Young, I don't care about Rachel's pizza pals bread mix or her fruit smoothie floats. I just want to win the game. One more second.“

Keven then threw what I thought was a ball in the air. Of course it wasn't. I knew that from watching the right field seats explode into one large giant cloud of smoke and ash. I decided to dial my cell phone but Youk grabbed it and ripped it in two.

“Now here's another thing. Did you know you get better service through Horizon because I do. Wanna know how. I'll tell you. Cabrera and his stupid talk about cell phone coverage. Unlimited texting, data messaging, G3 vs G4. What's a G4. Oh I know now. It took four innings of his yapping and blabbering but I'm not upset. Hey Cabrera, it's called a phone. It's not a computer! Excuse me a second.”

You know, I've never quite seen a rocket launcher before but I gotta tell ya, it really does some damage to a stadium.

“Hey Longoria. You know what. I don't give a crap about chemical bonds. What's the difference between an ionic vs. covalent vs. polar covalent vs. non polar covalent and then he goes on about orbitals. What's an s,p,d,f. I have no idea. The mans a fruit cake and blah, blah, blah, blah. “

You know, maybe its just me, but I really recommend not letting Kevin Youkalis own a surface to air missile. I hope nobody was hurt on that plane.

“Oh ya, Damon. You know what. How do you get that battling helmet on your head anyway! I mean just because you know about Linux operating systems and bash shells and vim and kernel parameters doesn't make you know anything about baseball. I really don't want to know about Perl or Python or C or C++ or all of this other crap. This is for you Damon.”

I was really glad when the men in white coats came before Kevin started throwing land mines on the field. Anyway, I'm OK and next time we talk to J.D. Drew about his love of Spiderman and injuries.