Joe Derive and the Umpire quiz

Hi,

I'm Joe Derive and I'm glad to be here in Baltimore -- well not really -- but anyway, recently a major testing firm setup a competency test for umpires to ensure the highest quality candidates. Here are SOME the results. Feel free to take the test yourself.

1) A year is:
(a) The time the sun goes around the earth
(b) The time the earth goes around the sun
(c) None of the above.
(d) It's against my religion.

97% selected (d). Wow, seriously. Well OK.

2) Interest means:
(a) How fascinating a subject is
(b) Money earned on an investment
(c) Gwenth Paltro
(d) None of the above

94% chose (a). A fascinating subject? Man I want to be your investment banker that's all I can say!

3) Fatty foods can cause:
(a) Heart attacks
(b) A full and happy stomach
(c) A twinkie binge
(d) psychic powers

Most everyone chose b or c. Wish I had stock in McDonalds right now.

4) Thunder is caused by
(a) Thor the God of Thunder
(b) The sonic boom of lightening ( <- pick this one)
(c) Mysterious energy from UFO's
(d) Hulk smash

I never knew the God of Thunder caused lightening but guys -- they even told you the right answer. They said pick this one. Why? Why did 100% of you choose (a). It's insane.

5) Steroid means:
(a) synthetic hormone designed to enhance the body with serious side effects
(b) A country in Africa
(c) A planet orbiting earth
(d) None of the above

And you wonder why the umpires can't find the strike zone don't you? You wonder why they make the wrong call so many times. You wonder why they look clueless. I mean, a planet orbiting earth? A country in Africa? None of the above? AHHHHH


6) 6 * 3
(a) 9
(b) 18 (<- pick this one...really)
(c) 23
(d) 7
(e) none of the above
(f) I'm an umpire, this is too hard for me

Umpires, at least try! How is 6 * 3 TOO HARD! Come on, it's 18. Eighteen is NOT hard to calculate. It's arithmetic. I'm having chest pains now. I mean you all picked (f).

7) Beavis and Butthead:
(a) remind me of myself
(b) Is a show on cable created by former blues musician Mike Judd
(c) Is what happens if I don't change my underwear
(d) I don't know

Wow, everyone got this right. Great. While the answer is (b) the firm also accepted (a). Good job guys for picking (a)...I guess.

8) Eating too much will:
(a) Make me overweight
(b) Make me happy
(c) Turn me into a martian
(d) I should chose (a) as the right answer since that is the right answer to PICK IT!!!!


Folks, read the question. Eating too much will NOT make you happy. It will make you very fat. Got it! The answer is (a) and how could 25% of you chose (d). I mean you can't be that insane...can you!


I'm Joe Derive and I am SO out of here.