Joe Derive and Tim Wakefield

"HI, I'm Joe Derive and I'm here at Arnie's fine restaurant with my guest Tim Wakefield. You can get anything you want at Arnie's restaurant."

Joe watched Arnie shake his head while dropping down beers on the table.

"You know Arnie, Alice's restaurant, the song, from the 60's..."

"I know you need to order some food. You both are drunk and this is a family restaurant. !"

Arnie walked away. Joe turned towards the camera.

"Anyway, here is my dear friend Tim Wakefield taking time away from his busy schedule with the Red Sox..."

"Ya, "said Tim gulping his seventh beer. "Ya, just sitting around the bullpen rotting while John Lackey and Dice-K give up fifteen million runs per game while I, in my last start, with no preparation gave up one. Meanwhile Theo the tyrant dumps me in favor of these...losers...oh I don't feel so good.."

Lugo started cleaning up the old beer bottles on the table as Arnie ran over.

"LUGO...how many fingers do you have on your hand?"

"Ah, ten."

"That's right ten, "said Arnie boiling with anger. "Yet I told you a true kitchen helper loses on average about one finger per day. Get back in there!"

Joe watched Lugo sulk. He had a shirt on that said "doing community service for burning down the street." Joe almost felt sorry for him.

"So why doesn't anyone else have lost fingers in the kitchen!"

Arnie stuck his face in Lugo's.

"They have artificial fingers Lugo like me. Get it? Look at my ten. You can't tell them from the real thing! "

Lugo smiled and went back into the kitchen. Both Arnie and Joe watched tears welt up in Tim's eyes. They followed them to the TV on the wall that was playing Gilligan's Island.

"They'll never get off the island and they'll always blame Gilligan and he's so sweet and innocent. "

Tim wiped the tears off his face.

"Just like me. The sweet guy with a salary that's 1/16 of Dice-K's and yet I give more to this team besides making the DL and whining. I never whine. I never complain...more beer."

Arnie handed Tim a bottle and watched him roll back in his chair and crash on the floor.

"He's fine, "said Joe.

A loud scream was heard from the kitchen. A wry smile came on Arnie's face.

"I did it Arnie!"

Arnie shouted back, "keep at it Lugo!"

Arnie watched Joe lift up Tim Wakefield who starred at the TV some more.

"Sometimes I watch the film -- The Lonely Guy with Steve Martin. It gives me hope, "said Tim sipping on more beer.

Another curse came from the kitchen.

"Two Arnie!"

"Good job Lugo."

Arnie turned towards the duo.

"I'm cutting you guys off. "

Joe looked at Arnie.

"OK Arnie, I need to get back to the show. "

Arnie nodded and went back to the kitchen.

"That's three Arnie, "said Lugo.

"OK, now as I was saying..."

"Oh, no, "said Tim. "Dr. Smith prevented the crew from going back to earth, sort of like Theo Epstein prevents the Red Sox from being a great team. I mean we have Dr. Smith Dice-K, and Dr. Smith Gagne, and Dr. Smith Drew..."

"OK, "snapped Joe. "I got it now let's...oh I don't feel to good."

Joe looked at the camera.

"Well we be back next time...oh."

The camera sat there as Joe and Tim rolled back and crashed on the floor.


Next time on the Joe Derive show, Tim Wakefield shares his thoughts on how Barnie Fife from the Andy Griffith show is really Theo Epstein in disguise.