Joe Derive and food

Hi! I'm Joe Derive and welcome back to Arnie's restaurant and I'm here with a major league umpire who wishes to remain anonymous. Now we're here at Arnie's but I'm not touching alcohol. I gave it up despite the find numbing effect it gave me like with last night's awful loss!

"Here here, "said the anonymous umpire eating his forth pizza in a row with double cheese and pineapples.

"Instead, I found a healthy alternative to cope with the flood of injuries and the idea that the Sox will once again break my heart. " Joe then leaned forward. "Arnie, another double chocolate milk shake with whipped cream and another pizza for my friend here. "

Arnie nodded and piled on the food. A worried look appeared on his face but Joe ignored it.

"Now that is healthy coping. I of course ate first. Two pizzas and three hot dogs, a side of french fries and...oh those pants are getting tight. "

"You need to go to the umpire store. They sell clothes for men in our underweighted condition...burp."

Joe leaned in to the camera.

"Last night the Sox lost. They lost because Beckett was sick and that followed Clay with a back injury and Crawford with a hamstring strain and Lowrie with a chest issue and so on. Man this entire team is already falling apart...mmm I love hotdogs with chocolate shakes and french fries and I'm not drinking."

"I find that...oh man this chair is tight. I told Arnie to get the oversized umpire chair with steel reinforcement, "said the anonymous umpire. "He's so into that thin look. Oh, I will not be able to see any ground balls tomorrow but whatever, I'll just fake it. Heck that's what we all do."

Joe shook his head then ate the entire pile of food on his plate.

"Man that was...oh is this going to ruin my health."

"Nah, "said the anonymous umpire. "Just do what I do and do some arm lifts. That's great exercise. Do four in twenty four hours and you'll be fine. "

Joe just nodded. Arnie leaned back starring at the chair.

"Hey, you're breaking my chairs here."

"Chill Arnie, chill. Oh, I don't feel so good...more fries Arnie."

Arnie shook his head and walked away running to get more food.

"Last night was also the night that the Sox couldn't do anything right. Pitching was terrible and lost opportunities was everywhere..."

"Joe, you complain too much. I mean you Red Sox fans are all alike. Ya feel entitled to a World Series each and every year and make yourselves miserable instead of just enjoying the game. "

Joe leaned in and starred at the umpire. "That sort of makes sense and that's what worries me. "

Joe then smiled at the camera.

"Anyway fans, last night was a disaster. A painful reminder that the Sox are not doing what they need to do to win that World Series that we're entitled to each and every year. "

"I rest my....oh chest pains..."

"You OK?"

"Fine, "they'll pass. Good old pacemaker and defibrilator are my friends..."

"Wow, I need to go back to drinking...that's safer! Until next time, I'm Joe Derive. "

"And I need to call the paramedics. That's strike...uh three. "

Join fans of Joe Derive as he attempts to burn off the seventy five pounds he just put on doing arm lifts five times a day. You'll find him in the Boston Emergency room having a heart attack.