Joee of Derive's First Class

Hi, I'm Joe Derive. Ya, its been tough for the Red Sox but not as tough for me. Ya see I had to stop all my slight drinking and stuff but I'm OK. Anyway, I'm flying from Philadelphia to Houston with my good intern Veronica who is interning with me all summer. It's her first flight so I got her a Lower Class, er, Coach ticket for the plane. Say hello Veronica...

'I have Claustrophobia and asthma but I'll be OK. I'm sure there are lots of things to do in coach. Besides I brought my inhaler."

Anyway, we'll be texting each other on the plane...so I'd better get on since they're calling First Class. When I head to the counter they wave to me as I board the plane. Now, as I sit in my seat -- ah the room -- I'm really going to hate this flight. Flying is tough. I spread out my legs and stretch as the Flight attendant comes over to greet me.

"Hello Joe"

That's flight attendant Marsha. She'll be serving us and the rest of the First Class crew. Back their in the cattle stalls will sit Veronica. She'll be OK. It's not like I'm worried. Oh she's texting me.

(The line is really long and I'm tired. Everybody is so grumpy.)

Ya well that's OK. I'll let her know everything is fine.

"Hot chocolate and warm macadamia nuts while you wait."

Oh yes, that's what I call service. Mmm, good stuff. I'm already excited about this flight.

"Get back there."

Oh those coach passengers. Always annoying us First Class people. My goodness what a pain in the neck. Oh there goes Veronica. Wow, she looks scared. Frankly I would be too. I wish her luck. Anyway, she's texting me now.

(Joe, its so tight and horrible back here. I'm squished between two people that smell bad and a screaming kid and...)

Excuse me, I have to calm down Veronica down.

(Listen, you're disturbing me at the moment. I'm busy eating and adjusting my seat.)

So annoying. Anyway, I sit back and stretch my legs. The last of the Coach passengers go past me. Oh man what a pain...but I see the flight is taking off finally. Took long enough.
We sail into the air and I see the ground below me through two windows that are available to me from the window seat. It's good to watch and eat hot buttered popcorn.

"Some hot coffee or wine or beer?'

Wine please I say to Marsha.
We watch the safety video then I get another text from Veronica about some sort of panic attack. I tell her grab the wine that's available to you and calm down. I'm enjoying the view. Oh here she goes again.

(Help me Joe. It's scary back here. Everybody is screaming and yelling and kids are throwing up. I can't breathe in my seat and one of the kids used the inhaler to torture his sister. I have no inhaler. Please Joe.)

(Veronica...relax. Everything will be fine. Ask for another inhaler like you can from First Class.)

"Attention passengers. A movie will be shown if the passengers making a big noise will shut up. You're disturbing the First Class passengers. Headsets are available for $15.00 if you don't have any and a purchased meal is available for $25 dollars that consists of a plate of spoiled cheese and moldy bread. Just let the Flight attendant know what you want."

Oh boy that's just sad. I'm sure Veronica will get something.

"Hot towel Mr. Derive?"

Ya, that's the life. I clean my hands before the meal is passed out. I get a choice of prime rib with fresh peas and a salad with a side order of lobster or a large salad with cranberries and macadamia nuts or some Indian food. I can chose hot coffee, tea, expresso or whatever I want. It's all included of course. I get my headphones and lean back while I get served food. Another flight attendant rubs my feet and gives me a massage. Oh the lux...oh excuse me.

(I'm so hungry Joe and all they give me is a drink. I need to use the restroom and the line is about five deep and a kid keeps screaming in my ear and I feel like throwing up. I'm so sick. Help me Joe.)

Boy what a pain.

(Veronica, this is getting old. If you ask politely, I'll have the flight attendant deliver to you some fresh warm nuts but then again that would single you out and then I'd have to get everyone some of the nuts. Sorry but you'll be OK. Spend the money and get a headset.)

Anyway, that meal was great with real silverware and large bowls. I'm enjoying a fruit cup now with sliced watermelon before I get warm cake and a hot fudge...excuse me. I have to complain to the flight attendant.

"Miss, how can I possible eat and get my massage in peace with all that racket from Coach."

"I am so sorry Mr. Derive but its a madhouse back there. People are creating signs demanding to be treated something other than cattle. I am so sorry. I'll get you a hot fudge Sunday and a complimentary bottle of wine along with fine chocolates. Will that work?"

I pause a bit but then realize that even I have to give in after all I'm a nice guy. Oh not again Veronica.

(Joe, you have to get me out of here. I'm being yelled at by the Flight attendants for asking for peanuts calling me a pain in the neck and say I'm disturbing First Class. Joe, help me...I'm so hungry.)

Oh I do take pity on her.

(Veronica, tell you what. When you get off the plane, I'll buy you a Coke. )

That should calm her down. Oh, I forgot to talk about the Red Sox but right now I'm getting a shampoo and haircut while having my nails trimmed. It takes a while since you have to wait for the three flight attendants to be done with the other passengers but that's OK. I truly wish we had more than a curtain to separate First Class from the rest of them.
However on this long flight these services are entirely necessary. I'm so full and satisfied and I'm grateful for the cashmere blanket that they lay on me to get to sleep. I turned my phone off so I don't have to listen to that whining Veronica.
Oh no, we have to land early because of a medical emergency. Some case of an asthma attack. Man and I was just getting sung to so I could get so sleep but the three Flight attendants and their guitar band. Not fair at all. I'm going to have to complain!

Now if you people out there feel that this has been a disaster of a flight like I have, please contact me via email.

joe@joederive.com. That's joe@joederive.com. Now excuse me since I'm getting my teeth cleaned by the onboard dentist in first class before I get a physical.