He Fried his BRAIN

Hi, I'm Joe Derive with the latest scoops and will dish out...oh I hate that promo stuff.  Look I hate my job lately so let's get to it.


DAY 1

First, I interviewed Larry Luchionno or however you spell his name and asked him one question -- is Bobby Valentine going to get fired.  What do I get?

He basically said that the Red Sox will not fire Bobby Valentine this season and while this may come as a downer to most of Red Sox nation, I did ask what about next year.

He said, 'Hey Joe, have you tried the spare ribs down the street.  They are the best."

I then told him I did not try the spare ribs down the road and asked again the question about 2013.

"Next summer I plan to take a vacation up north.  Should be fun."

I then asked him the question a third time and he said this.

"What clue have I not given you Joe that tells you I won't answer that question.  Are you that big a moron?  You #$#$ #$#$ @##%$#$...."

NEXT DAY

I interviewed Bobby Valentine.  I asked him what he thought of this mess.

'I think they're are some chemistry tweaking that needs to happen to enable this team to win games.'

I then asked him what in the world he was talking about.  I then waited for several minutes until I saw a slow and steady stream of smoke rise from his brain.  I felt really bad. 

"Dammit Bobby, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to fry your brain.'  I felt so bad.  Watching him drool all over himself while what little of gray matter sizzled in the background broke my heart.  Fortunately I could heat up my coffee using the top of his head. 

NEXT DAY

I then met with Dustin Pedroia who offered to me a nice private session with him.  We talked about a lot of things...while he was texting Adrian Gonsalez.  Too bad he didn't know I was tapping into his message queue and reading it.  Ha ha.

"I think Bobby is a fine manager Joe and he's done great for the team."

Then I read his text message on his phone using my special phone.

#Bobby is a load of manure and I want to spread his pieces on the field#

Great, I thought.  I then asked him about John Henry and management.

"NO they are great people who care about the team. It's our fault that we're not playing well."

Of course what he was texting was:

#John Henry and crew are a pile of manure that should be spread out on a field#

Finally I asked him how he felt about himself.

"I'm just a plain old ballplayer trying to help my team win."

Texting he said.

#I am God's gift to baseball and people should bow down and worship me.#

That was when I decided to take a break and head out to Arnie's for a beer...of seven.  Maybe John Lackey can help me drink it.   Lifting beer might help him in his rehab.