J.D. Drew

J.D. Drew, the guy who designed the stunts for Spiderman, Alone in the Dark talks about how he took his injury free approach to Broadway.

Hi I'm Joe Derive back with more interviews. Today is J.D. Drew who broke the baseball record by managing to get injured before opening day. I asked him what he did over the winter besides increasing everybody's health care costs. Of course I had to do it while interviewing him from a plastic bubble. More about that later.

“Oh mostly worked on Spiderman, Alone in the Dark. It's a lot of work but everyone was excited with my ideas. I never studied physics or nothin but I figured it would just be OK. Man, was I ever wrong. “

Ya well, at least it helped me understand why everyone was getting hurt.

“Listen, JD. I was wondering why you're talking to me from a plastic bubble?”

Drew seemed to laugh a little and I couldn't wait for an answer to this one.

“Aw, its just injury prevention. For some reason everyone thinks I get hurt all the time which is just not true. I mean all the docs know it and I know that because I'm always with one of them since I get injured all the time. ”

I had to roll my eyes at that statement.

“So you...are you eating with your hands?”

“Ya, “ said J.D. “I don't get forks or knives anymore since I get injured by them.”

I had to wonder if J.D. Was running on empty here. I mean really. No forks or knives. How can anyone get hurt with a fork.

“Ya see, I tried to eat my steak but drove the fork through my hand instead. That really hurt. “

I'm sure Blue Cross must love you J.D.

“The worst though is money. I get too many papercuts. Actually they never let me have any paper. Why one time I got fifteen paper cuts working on a crossword puzzle and don't get me started on the pencil. They really hurt stuck in your ear. “

I decided not to have any more questions for Drew. I'm sure the happy doctors could take care of that one but of course I couldn't help myself.

“How can you play baseball anyway if you can't even hold a bat?”

Drew seemed to stammer on that one. He then said, “oh they're giving me a foam bat for batting practice. They're a bit tired of me and the maple bat. I mean I had no idea what happens when you let go of the bat. Boy that concussion on Julio Lugo must have really hurt him. “

Lugo? Well, now I understand why Lugo's doing a radio show now.

“The worst though is sleeping. I pulled my hamstring muscles again when I fell out of the bed. Then I tried a sleeping bag and almost hung myself and then I tried a cup of coffee and got third degree burns on my back. Now they have me eat cold cream of wheat. That seems to work out. “

“So J.D. , what did you learn in working with such a huge program such as this.”

“Hmm, I think the main thing is that you really should have a good working relationship with a variety of medical people from doctors to psychologists. They can come in real handy. “

“J.D., how do you feel about getting an injury the first day of spring camp.”

“One word – utter shock. I'm told its never been done before and all but its kind of frustrating because had I known I could still be in New York directing the stunts for this musical. They're are always more bodies you know. “

“Didn't they fire you?”

“Three or four times but I keep forgetting. I don't have a great memory. Anyway. I mean how many chances do you get to watch a man break his clavicle over a fall. That was pretty cool and I think it adds some drama to the production.”

Ya, well, glad Drew is retiring this year.

“Oh they won't let me watch TV. I keep dropping it on my foot and don't get me started on the remote. Those things hurt when they land directly on your head after falling from the ceiling. “

I had to admit I was starting to lose my mind.

“The worst though is the fact that they gave me slip on shoes. I can't have laces anymore. Last time I tried them I almost hung myself. “

How, how do you hang yourself with shoe laces. Drew is a nutcase, a fruitcake, a boiled potato. I mean the guy is crazy.

“Anyway, I gotta get some sleep. Ow, stupid plastic bowl. I think it broke my foot. ”

Drew then laid down on the floor and closed his eyes. I felt better. I didn't have to talk to him anymore.

Next time we catch up with Manny Ramirez and look for Julio Lugo.

An Interview with Kevin Youk

Kevin Youkilis

Kevin gave up a lot to play third base. He's had competition with Beltre and Mike Lowell but at last now he's on his own at third. I asked him what it was like to move over to the hot spot.

“I like it. The chit-chat at first base can be tough you know. You know how it is. The guy gets a hit and suddenly they're just chatting away but I'm OK with that. I mean it never really bothered me and all. “

That water cooler chatter also requires any first baseman to greet the player. It's just part of the tradition. Kevin's a bit wound tight so I wondered how he felt about it.

“Not that big a deal. I mean you know, maybe I don't want to hear about Derek Jeter's interest in evolutionary taxonomy. I mean the man could go on for hours on this and I have to hear every minute of it. “

I began to notice Kevin's eyebrows begin to tighten and his face begin to tighten and his hands begin to tighten. Ah, no big deal.

“I mean I've learned a lot like about sexual dimorphism. I mean that's only because he never shuts up about it but that never bothered me. I mean I could read a barf bag and I swear he'll talk to me about genetic drift and group selection and...What in hell is genetic drift? I don't even know what a gene is? Anyway, no big deal. “

Now I know he said 'not-a-big-deal' but you know Kevin. Passionate fella. I do admit that he was starting to scare me after he brought out a large bag and starting unzipping it.

“I mean we're ten runs down and Julio Lugo gets to first. Boy he sure was passionate about that show. Youky, come on my show or Youky, consider what atmosphere you'll bring. It's at 3:30 in the morning. The only atmosphere I want is unconsciousness! I wish Arnie would make him a frickin acid bath and make him eat it. Excuse me.”

I was grateful Kevin felt better after firing a few rounds of his 44 Magnum handgun. Fortunately nobody got hurt but boy he was sure aiming for Dice-K a lot.

“Of course most of the time it wasn't a big deal. Remember Manny Ramirez. Oh, I'm going in the Hall Of Fame or oh how great it is I'm raking in the money while you're...who are you again. Oh, I just let it roll off my sleeve. Ah, excuse me a second. “

It was then I was getting worried when Youk took the camera I had and smashed it into the ground. Why he carries around an AK-47 is a mystery to me but I'm really glad nobody was on the field at this moment for this interview.

“I mean, I'm here to compete. You get that. My job is to compete not to listen to ballplayers talking about...oh did I mention cooking tips. I mean, who needs cooking tips from Rachel Ray. Hey Micheal Young, I don't care about Rachel's pizza pals bread mix or her fruit smoothie floats. I just want to win the game. One more second.“

Keven then threw what I thought was a ball in the air. Of course it wasn't. I knew that from watching the right field seats explode into one large giant cloud of smoke and ash. I decided to dial my cell phone but Youk grabbed it and ripped it in two.

“Now here's another thing. Did you know you get better service through Horizon because I do. Wanna know how. I'll tell you. Cabrera and his stupid talk about cell phone coverage. Unlimited texting, data messaging, G3 vs G4. What's a G4. Oh I know now. It took four innings of his yapping and blabbering but I'm not upset. Hey Cabrera, it's called a phone. It's not a computer! Excuse me a second.”

You know, I've never quite seen a rocket launcher before but I gotta tell ya, it really does some damage to a stadium.

“Hey Longoria. You know what. I don't give a crap about chemical bonds. What's the difference between an ionic vs. covalent vs. polar covalent vs. non polar covalent and then he goes on about orbitals. What's an s,p,d,f. I have no idea. The mans a fruit cake and blah, blah, blah, blah. “

You know, maybe its just me, but I really recommend not letting Kevin Youkalis own a surface to air missile. I hope nobody was hurt on that plane.

“Oh ya, Damon. You know what. How do you get that battling helmet on your head anyway! I mean just because you know about Linux operating systems and bash shells and vim and kernel parameters doesn't make you know anything about baseball. I really don't want to know about Perl or Python or C or C++ or all of this other crap. This is for you Damon.”

I was really glad when the men in white coats came before Kevin started throwing land mines on the field. Anyway, I'm OK and next time we talk to J.D. Drew about his love of Spiderman and injuries.

Joe Derive is BACK

Hi, I'm Joe Derive. You know me and if you don't that's OK. I'm your regular Red Sox reporter coming to you from Florida. Ya, Red Sox training where I get to sit around all day and ask stupid questions while eating a pizza and watching my belly giggle. What more can you ask for?

Anyway, here are some stories from the sunshine state that I thought you might enjoy.

CC. Sebastia

Looks like old CC lost some pounds. I asked CC why he did it (problem with his knee) and what he gave up (huge amounts of staggering fats and sugars allowing him to live longer and burn through his money on something other than food.)

“The hardest thing was giving up coco-puffs. I'm koo-koo for coco-puffs. First I add like chocolate milk and chocolate syrup and then I top it with coco-puffs in a large salad bowl. “

I then asked him why a salad bowl. I thought I people ate out of dishes.

“Oh, I don't know. The entire box required a large container. I started with a bowl but was never filled up. Then I discovered Sam's club. I mean it catered to my special eating needs. You could get these giant size boxes like three times the size of a normal box and with some work I managed to finish those off in a meal or two. It was cheaper that way.”

I wanted to ask him how often his stomach expanded and exploded on a regular basis but I instead asked him what else.

“Oh, I also like chocolate wafers. They're real small so you don't have to eat many. I find it best to put them in a large garbage and buy them by the freight truck load and munch on them during the day. With the garbage can it can last oh, two or three hours at least. “

I had that 'holy crap' thought in my head but asked him what the ultimate meal was.

“There's a local deli down the street. I get this taco with meat and cheese and they wrap it in a large pizza. Then they deep fry it and add a cheese sauce and sprinkle it with more meat and cheese. Then they cover it with mushrooms and bacon strips before wrapping it in a large pizza again. It's double the fun. That fills me up for the entire ball game. “

This guy could fill the grand canyon with one bowel movement. No worries Colorado River, here comes C.C. Sebastia. I then asked him what about desert.

“Oh, that's easy. A Carvel Ice Cream cake. Oh man I can finish that one off in fifteen minutes. “

“A slice, “ I asked.

“No the entire cake. Sometimes I get sick but I wash it down with Neslie Quick. “

Well, that's enough of that. Amazing this man doesn't have heart attacks on a regular basis.

Anyway, join me next time as we talk with Kevin Youk about third base and Julio Lugo about his prospects for free agency (that's baseball is free of Lugo) and finally we'll sit down with J.D. Drew, the guy who designed the stunts for Spiderman, Alone in the Dark about how he took his injury free approach to Broadway.

Red Sox vs. Yankees

Hi, I'm Joe Derive. Ya its "spend through the roof " time and I thought it might be fun to examine each position from 1st base to catcher and see which team, Yankees or Red Sox are the better team.

First Base:
I would love to give this position to Gonsalez. He'll need time to adjust of course so in the beginning, I'll give this position to the Yankees. However, not having Julio Lugo play first base is already a plus.
Bottom line: Red Sox.

Second Base:
The Red Sox have about an even comparison with Dustin Pedroia coming back from foot surgery. Thankfully Julio Lugo never played this position so already the Sox are in good place.
Bottom line: Even

ShortStop:
Theo worked to improve Julio Lugo and got Julio Lugo Jr in Mark ScatterThrow. Jeter isn't much better on the Yankees. I would love to see Jed Lowrie take over. He's a better player than ScatterThrow but at least Julio Lugo won't be playing the position.
Bottom Line: Even disasters

Third Base
Youk vs. A-Rod. I give this one to Youk. A-Rod is old with a hip injury but at least we don't have Julio Lugo playing third.
Bottom Line: Red Sox

Left Field
We dumped a bunch of money on Crawford but the Yanks have a strong left field as well. Fortunately we won't have Beltre at third so our left fielders will not walk away with broken ribs and we don't have Julio Lugo playing left field.
Bottom line: Red Sox

Center Field
Will Ellsbury have an All Star season? Of course he will since he wants to demand insane salary requirements in the Boras school of fantasy economics. Yankees have their own center field ace. Fortunately the Sox chose not to have Julio Lugo play center field. Going to be with the Yankees on this one.
Bottom Line: Yankees

Right Field
The fact is that Julio Lugo and Drew could compete for each other for the biggest road side disaster. Drew is pathetic and a lousy hitter. Fortunately he doesn't complain or brag.
Bottom line: Yankees or frankly any little league team.

Catcher
This is a tough call. I'd like to leave this open since the Sox are looking for another catcher. All we can say is one thing.
Bottom line: At least Julio Lugo isn't catching.

Starting Pitching
Well we have Dice-K who can't wait to take his millions and go back to Japan, a dying Josh Beckett and John Lackey. That's 2/3 of your starting pitching in the range of pathetic. I don't have any hope for Beckett and Dice-K, on his last contract year could care less so that leaves Lackey. If John can find any form, the Sox might survive but otherwise this area is in serious trouble. Fortunately we don't have Julio Lugo pitching.
Bottom line: Yankees

Bullpen
Both the Yankees and Sox have serious issues with the bullpens. Both are weak. We can only hope that the Sox will get an arm. Message to Theo -> Don't get Julio Lugo as a shutdown pitcher. Next year will be interesting as Papelbon will be looking elsewhere. Will the Yanks get him? No doubt but will the Sox sign Lugo as a closer?
Bottom Line: Even disasters

Manager
This is apples and oranges. Tito Francona is low key, relatively smart and a big-picture kind of key. Girardi is tempermental, edgy and detail driven. It all depends on what style you want. Both are appropriate for their clubs but I'd rather work under Tito than Girardi. Fortunately the Sox didn't hire Julio Lugo on their team. I might also add that Varitek will also be part of that behind-the-scenes picture. That gives the Red Sox a big edge.
Bottom line: Red Sox

DH
Posada is now a DH. Ortiz is still a DH. Fortunately the Sox don't have Julio Lugo as a DH. Is Lugo still running that radio show?
Bottom line: Easily the Red Sox

Camping Part II

Altitude Sickness

Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek and Tim Wakefield woke up feeling a blast of cold air strike their lungs.
"AH, " snapped Mike Lowell. "Do you two have any idea what its like going to the BATHROOM...in an OUTHOUSE...with a bad hip."
Tim paused and said, "I really don't want that picture in my head."
Jason said, "tell me about it...no really tell me about the toilet experience."
A long pause ensued.
They looked around and each saw their own demise trapped in this van inside YellowStone Park. They were unable to get a good nights sleep after being unable to get their tent together but when they finally got the tent together they forgot the rain flap. Then it snowed. They slept in the car all night after it snowed. Jason was crushing the other two during the night trying to get warm.
"Oh my back, "snapped Tim Wakefield getting up.
"Oh my hip, "gritted Mike Lowell.
"Oh my, "said Jason Varitek. "Is that a bear?"
The three looked out watching a male bear and her cubs walk across the field of fog and cold.
"Cool, "said Tim Wakefield.
"Amazing, "said Mike Lowell.
"Wow those are big..." said Jason Varitek before Tim Wakefield cut him off.

The three got out shivering against the cold air.
"I hate this trip, "snapped Mike. "Stupid camping trip and stupid ideas. I want a HOT shower and I want to feel clean again. This was the most retarded idea from your head, "snapped Mike Lowell. "How in hell..."
The two starred at Jason almost weeping before his tears turned to crystals and fell down his face.
"Sorry..." said both of the men shivering against the cold.
"It's OK."
"What we need is a hot breakfast, "said Mike.
"Great, I'll get the stove out."
Immediately the two others ran into the van and grabbed the stove. They then started up the van and ran over the strove crushing it.
"We're going to get some food at a f-king HOT place, "snapped Mike.
Jason nodded and ran in the van.

Later they sat at a restaurant inside devouring their food.
"Excuse me, "said the waiter. "Are you Mike Lowell?"
Mike looked up with an attempt at a dignified face but was already drenched in syrup from the pancakes so perhaps that was a pointless effort.
"Ya, "said Mike with some uncertainty in his voice.
"Sorry to see you go. Bum deal. You're so much better than your record shows."
Mike smiled gritting his teeth.
"Can I get your autograph. My neighbor is a big fan of yours."
"I'm Tim Wakefield, 'said Tim.
"That's nice. "
Tim then raised his hand and said, "I won the Roberto Clemete award."
"God I hate braggers, "said the waiter. "Hey are you a coach on the team now?"
Tim let his hand down sulking into the oatmeal.
"Oh man, you're Jason Varitek. Man you're were great before you got old."
Jason nodded his face holding the knife at an angle directed at the waiter.
"Ya, my Dad says you suck now but were great at one time. Guess that's what happens when you get old."
Jason turned away.
"Hey, why don't you shut up and...oh ya who do I make this out too?"
The waiter said, "my uncle. He says you're the best player on the team. I think so to."
Mike smiled as the other two sat and sulked.
"See ya."
Jason and Tim starred at each other.
"I hate fans."
"Hey, when you got it you got it, "smirked Mike.


The two began the climb that day.
"My hip hurts...this cold weather!"
The other two ignored him and climbed the mountain. At 10,000 feet up even Mike felt the pain go away instead focusing on not falling off the cliff and killing himself. They saw goats and an occasional chipmunk and the like. As they climbed up they felt lightheaded and tired.
"Man, I'm out of shape, 'said Jason.
"My hip hurts, "snapped Mike.
"No s-t, "said Tim Wakefield.
They trekked to the inside of the top feeling relief at arriving at the end. The air was so warm inside. The crystals from their beards melted.
"My hip hurts."
"My back hurts, "said Tim.
"I feel...oh man I feel nauseous."

The three,after some routine pictures headed down the mountain. They walked until they could walk no more and made it to the large restaurant...now that the stove was busted. They all looked pale and yellow.
"I don't feel so good, "said Jason.
Soon the three ran into the bathroom and sent their breakfast and lunch into the toilet. Large moaning sounds reverberated in the room. A man ran out and said,
"You won't believe this. In that bathroom is Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Tim Wakefield and they're throwing up all over the place. "
Minutes later the three walked out of the bathroom looking pale, exhausted and tired.
"I...will never...camp again....", said Mike Lowell.
"I'm never...going...to...camp again, 'said Tim Wakefield.
"Anybody hungry, "asked Jason Varitek.

The two looked at him before running back into the restroom.
.
After dinner they ran to the van, got inside, bulleted out of Yellowstone and headed for the airport but not before they took all their camping equipment and ran over it again and again on the road until it was all completely crushed.

Camping

The veterans of the Red Sox organization - Jason Varitek, Mike Lowell and Tim Wakefield all planned a camping trip together among the isolated woods of Wyoming. It was a last goodbye for Mike Lowell who wanted to experience the great outdoors before retirement. It was a cold October night in Wyoming. They were staying in backcountry against the wild forests of Wyoming.
They had flown in and bought their camping equipment along with rental vehicles and headed to the great outdoors.
It was 7:00 pm and already dark when the crew arrived at the site. There were trees everywhere and the air was clean and fresh. The group got out with a less than enthusiastic look on their faces.
"How in heck did we take four hours to find this place, "snapped Mike Lowell who's hip was in pain from the damp air.
"Hey, we're roughing it right, " said the leader Jason Varitek. "No GPS's, no cell phones, no tvs, etc. We're back to nature."
"My hip wants a hotpad, "snapped Mike.
"Come on, let's get the tent up, "said Tim Wakefield looking tired and sore.
They had everything unwrapped and started looking at the directions. The tent lay flat on the ground. Poles and ropes lay everywhere in unsorted piles with no attempt at organization. Mike read the directions out loud.

"Place the long poles J1x and K1x with red dots perpendicular to door Vx1 of the tent X1 aligning the tapered ends T1 and T2 opposite to the connections on the hub PX2-z and then connect the poles J1x and K1z using the spring lock mechanism HRx located in the hub H1-x12 after first sliding the poles J1z and K1x through the sleeves S1r and S2r on the tent. Be sure not to put too much pressure maintaining a steady aim while connecting the perpendicular pieces to the hub Px2-z."
Mike paused, looked up and said, "what the f-k?"
Tim sighed and said, "perpendicular...hmmm...I remember that from school."
"Ya, and I remember weggies, but that don't help us here!, "snapped Mike.
"OK, calm down, "snapped Jason...first let's align the poles perpendicular to the door...ah, does anyone know where the door is on this tent?"
The three scanned around the tent walking in circles in an almost military formation.
"OK, we've done this three times...so where's the door?" yelled Mike.
Both sighed. "OK, let's take a guess. The stakes...ha, get it...stakes...you know like tent stakes."
The crickets began chirping.
"OK, that wasn't that funny, "said Jason.

(fifteen minutes later)

"OK, now connect the dotted poles to the long tapered ends of the angles poles J and K while ensuring that connection Q lines up with connection AZ parallel to the tent door while inserting poles J and K in sleeves ZA and ZB...oh crap...I give up."

(fifteen minutes later)

"Now connect poles J and K to spring locks XVB and XVC which are facing the ground. Place then at 60 degree angles to ensure alignment with ends J1 and J2 which are attached to J and K...this is insane. How in hell can anyone put a f-king tent up, "snapped Mike Lowell throwing the instructions to the ground.
"Calm down, "said Jason. "Consider the fact that we're basically dealing with geometry..."
"Hell no, "yelled Mike. "We're dealing with a guy with a mental complex! Nobody's gonna figure this out."

(two hours later)

"I can't believe we got those stupid poles up. This thing must be 8 feet high. How in hell are we gonna get the rain covering on that! I'm sure there's some trick."snapped Mike.
"Mike, we're almost done here. Now what's next Mike, "said Jason,
"Attach rain flap to top of...oh sh-t, "snapped Mike. "How am I supposed to do that. I'm not eight feet tall!"
"Let me see that, "snapped Jason.
"Attack rain flap to top of poll ensuring a smooth and consistent covering. Using connections XZ-1 and XZ-2 which are aligned wit the surface of...man, I have a headache."
Jason tossed the instructions down.
"Who needs a rain flap anyway! Tent is finished!"
"I'm hungry, "said Tim.
Jason sighed. "Good thinking. I'll get the stove ready. I was told it was easy assembly."
Mike just hit his head against a tree.
(minutes later)

"Attach the stove connection ZTR-QE parallel to the orifice ZTR while ensuring not to cross thread the attachment's end ZTR-QD before attaching the propane bottle in a clockwise direction parallel to the orifice. "
Mike took a gulp of beer.
"I see Mr. Lobotomy wrote the same instruction manual for..."
"Will you shut up, "yelled Jason. "I can't tell which end of ZTR do I use. Do I use ZTR-QE or ZTR-QD...s-t this is insane."
"How about we just start a camp fire?"
Everyone agreed.

(twenty minutes later)
"Just great Jason. We can barely put a tent up and can't light a stove and now this campfire looks like David Ortiz's cigar. "
Jason sighed. "I'm sorry guys. I'd thought this would be a nice time!"
Mike sighed and said, "I'm sorry. I just didn't expect to do so much thinking."
Tim coughed and then dumped some gasoline on the fire. A blast of hot fire burst through the air setting Mike's hair on fire.'
"Oh s-t. Help!"
Mike then ran down to the lake and dumped his hair on the water. A loud scream followed as the water was about 30 degrees farhrenheit.

(twenty minutes later)
"Cold...I'm so cold...and so hungry, "said Mike in a squimish voice freezing in the sleeping bag in the tent. With the scalding burns on his head and the loss of hair, he was utterly burning with cold.
"Need rain flap, "said Jason in desperation.
"will get cccc...colder, "said Tim shivering.
"Hate...this...trip, "said Jason shivering.
"We have to setup the tent...flap...use..."
"Hotel, "said Tim. "We need a hotel and we need...it...now."
"What...what if...we just use our own bodyheat, 'said Jason. "Curl up together and warm ourselves up! You know the boyscout manual says get naked and get in one sleeping bag. Should we try that?"
The two raised their necks and starred for a long time at Jason.
"Or...not, "said Jason.
A pause came as white flakes came down from the overhead of the tent.
"Is...that...snow? "asked Jason.
"Looks like snow, "said Mike in monotone.
"Tastes like snow, "said Tim.
A pause followed as more and more snow fell on the sleeping bags.
"We should have put up the rainflap, "said Jason.
"Not possible, "said Mike. "Tent...impossible to put...together...takes special training and...a degree...from college."
"Getting...colder...snow burn my...skin."

The three flung from their beds. They ran outside forgetting shoes and grabbed the flap. Mike threw it over the top of the tent and watched it slide gently to the ground on the other side of the tent. Tim Wakefield grabbed it and threw it on top watching it slide to the other side of the tent. Jason grabbed it and threw it on top. Mike grabbed and end. Jason grabbed the other end and both pulled it until it slid down gently from the top of the tent and fell to the ground. Tears began to flow from everyone at the tent.
"Madness." said Tim.
"To the van, "screamed Mike.
The three then ran into the large rental van and fell inside like a pack of wolves.
Jason turned on the engine and blasted the heat. He then turned it off realizing the engine had no warmed up yet.
"bad...bad time, "said Mike so cold now his voice was shaking like the rest of his body.
In ten minutes the heat came on and everyone could feel parts of their body again.
"Jason, "said Mike.
"Ya."
"Did you...by any chance...leave our clothes in the tent so that...they will all get soaked in snow."
A pause followed.
"Maybe..."
"OK, "said Mike not caring at the moment.
"Arnie...let's call Arnie up. He'll know what to do, "said Jason.
They grabbed cell phones and discovered they had no signal but it didn't matter as the batteries were almost gone.
"We're going to die here aren't we, "said Mike.
"Yes, "said Jason not reacting to the question.
"Man we're wimps, "said Tim Wakefield.
"I put up...with Manny..Ramirez, put up with Dice-K and Julio Lugo. I am SO not a wimp."
Within minutes exhaustion had taken over. The three fell asleep and slept under the stars not realizing how bad their backs and necks would feel in the morning.

To be continued....

Lugo on Cops

A drive down a dark road with a cop car. Julio Lugo is driving.

"My name is Julio Lugo. In addition...to my 3:00 am talk show that has great ratings, I also am a Baltimore cop."

(Radio)
"Possible murder at 34th and wine. Over"

"Glad that's over. Anyway, I like being a cop. It's very rewarding for me. Sometimes people go to me and say get the f-k out of here but most of the times they just ignore me...oh, my cell phone is ringing."

(Cell phone)
"Lugo you moron. Get over to 34th and wine. You have a murder. Didn't you hear the radio."

"Apparently, there has been yet another murder at 34th and wine and this one isn't over. "

Lugo drives over to the scene.

"Oh man this is nasty. Yuck! Well what we have here is a murder. "

A cop walks up to Lugo.

"Hey, where ya been? We're looking for the murder weapon."

"Did you check under the car."

"Ya..."

"Did you check on the roof?"

"Ya..."

"Well...I'm out of ideas."

The other cop sighs and the radio on Lugo's head set kicks in.

"Any officer available. Argument at 45th and Vine. Over."

"Man why do they keep calling us when its over. So pointless! Stupid Baltimore police...ah, you're not filming that are you?"

(Later at the scene)

"OK, now that I know 'over' means the end of the radio, I guess I can understand why I keep getting put on report every night. Gee...anyway, we have a man and a man and the man...what's his name hit the other...man what's his name."

(At the scene)

"What's the problem man!"

"That man hit me. He hit me all over. I want him in jail!"

Lugo nods.

"Aren't you going to arrest him?"

Lugo walks over to the man.

"Did you hit him?"

"no!"

Lugo throws up his hands.

"WHAT ABOUT THE BLACK EYE AND THE BRUISED LIP YOU MORON!"

"He fell down the stairs...officer Lugo and I'm a big fan of yours on the Orioles and I love your talk show."

Lugo accepts the $50 put in his hands.

"Well sorry man but its clear this guy didn't do anything."

"AHHH! " screamed the other man.

(Later)

"That was a messy situation. He says he didn't do it and he says he did it. How am I supposed to tell and then the guy slips me a $50 and I'm like, this guy is a nice guy. I mean then he gives me his gold watch and its a nice one. What can I do? I mean, you don't turn down presents! Then the other man gives me $75 dollars and at the end of the hour, both of them give me $200 dollars and a gold watch and a nice wool sweater. I gotta tell ya, I like Baltimore."

"They bribed you?"

"No, of course not. I never accept bribes. So OK so I guess the case is closed."

Join us next time for another episode of Lugo -> Cop!