Hello Bobby

(Thank you to Arnie for writing part of this one)

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I got an exclusive interview with Bobby Valentine...or did until Heather Watson got the interview from under me. Why would Bobby choose some woman, age thirty one with a size 44D and and fifteen inch waist and blonde hair and blue eyes that...oh ya, that's why. Anyway, here it is.

Heather:
Bobby, what are your plans to get the Sox back on track after their collapse?

Bobby:
Well, before we start, I was just thinking about my new cuff links. I know its a minor thing but I thought I would point that out. I think it makes my eyes shine Heather...don't you?

Heather:
Down boy! Bobby, where do you think Carl Crawford fits into the Sox' lineup?

Bobby:
They named a street after me in Japan, you know. 'Lobert Varentine Street.' I think I'll have John Henry rename Yawkey Way....." Bobby Way." Or maybe rename Fenway...... "Bobby V Field at Fenway." Has a nice ring to it which has nothing to do with my cufflinks...not that I was trying to make a link there...get it?

Heather: (hitting head on table)
Bobby, there is talk about making Daniel Bard a starter...what do you think?

Bobby:
Its a stupid idea but its going to happen because the owners are a bunch of morons...not that I said it of course. Anyway, I wanted you to know Heather that I have reserved seats at the finest restaurant in Boston and I do sixty pushups a day. That's sixty.

Heather: (rolling eyes)
Bobby, what do you think the changes of signing David Ortiz is?

Bobby:
I might also add that I do one hundred twenty situps a day and do leg lifts and lots of other exercise.

Heather:
Bobby you do not do one hundred twenty pushups...oh my...that stomach is like iron...hot...err...anyway...the question about David Ortiz and can you please put your shirt back on?

Bobby:
I think David Ortiz can be valuable but the problem is we lost Papelbon which was a dumb idea. The Red Sox management really has compost for gray matter...did I mention that I'm reliable and experienced?

Heather:
Ah...Bobby ah...Mr. Valentine this is an interview OK. Now about Jed Lowrie...what about the trading issue of his value?

Bobby:
Heather I have no bones about trading Jed Lowrie to get some pitching. Theo and his morons bled the team of talent and I intend to put it back not that guys like Cherington aren't following the tradition of 'be stupid' mind you but I can straighten that out...did I mention Heather that Boston is amazing in a hot tub with candle light and white wine and imported chocolates!

Heather:
Bobby, this is a professional...white wine? Wow, what year?

Bobby:
Its older than me!

Heather: (sultry smile)
You know Bobby, I find wine, when properly aged is ready for drinking don't you...Bobby!

Bobby (sweating all over);
Ah...

Heather:
You know Bobby, we can continue the interview later...because I do feel like getting wet starting with my lips.

Bobby:
Heather...that's a little extreme don't you think. I mean...I ah...Heather...Heather...


Joe Derive.
The interview stopped there. Of course I can sulk or sit here at Arnie's restaurant and drown my pain in Arnie's famous salad with green imported olives, fresh string beans, olive oil, tender chicken strips and crisp spinach and slices of apple...but that's OK...next time.

Arnie:
Don't feel bad Joe. You have so much to live for with your talent for writing and your charm and wit. I wouldn't worry.

Joe:
Ya and my tossed salad thanks to gaining fifteen pounds ON YOUR COOKING.

Arnie:
Hey, I can't help it if Arnie's is the best cooking this side of the Moon.

Joe:
To great food...and a diet!

Arnie:
To the Red Sox and their great...er...not-so-great...future.

Joe:
Cheers!