What Is Wrong With This Picture?

Steve:
Hello, I'm Steve Thunker and I'm replacing Joe Derive who is sick with the 'flu'. I'm the producer of Joe's video feeds and I also clean toilets to a sparkle. Today we have Boston Globe columnist Bill Snicker and today we're talking about the Red Sox and their future. Welcome Bill.

Bill:
Welcome Steve, it's great to be here.

Steve:
It's great to have you here Bill. It's always a pleasure and frankly an honor to have you on.

Bill:
The pleasure is mine Steve and as always its great to be on this show.

Steve:
Right, right, right. So let's start with the obvious question which is what about Bobby Valentine. I mean, clearly a brilliant manager and you knew that from his commentary. He spotted the fact that J.D. Drew, despite that gorgeous swing really isn't a great hitter and gets hurt a lot, and most of us didn't get that. He spotted the fact that Josh Beckett was taking too long between pitches and he pointed out that Carl Crawford's stance was terrible and all these things honestly escaped most of our viewers and listeners. Now given that premise, my question Bill is do you think Bobby Valentine is really the manager for the Sox.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Oh sorry, I fell asleep there while you were talking. I do that a lot. Nothing personal.

Steve:
Fine, fine, fine, that's OK.

Bill:
Anyway Steve, I feel that Bobby's OCT stats and his propensity and demand for FCTS's as well as his high DETS really is going to play a long way towards him being the manager that Boston needs right now.

Steve:
Fine, fine, fine...now Bill, I'm not familiar with OCT or DETS or FCTS and was wondering if you could...ah...clear that up for our listeners who really do have a demanding ear for the game and really like the stats and the numbers.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Sorry...I was watching the news and eating some chicken nuggets...got hungry while you were talking. Anyway, DETS and OCT and FCTS are complex calculations that offer us as commentators a numeric evaluation of the manager and give us an objective...mmm...nuggets with ketchup...ah...an objective way to scan out and evaluate a manager.

Steve:
right, right, right...ah..in this case what do those numbers tell you about Bobby Valentine.

Bill:
They need to...you know like all numbers we have to first stretch them out over the long term but for the short term the numbers tell us that especially the DETS is generating the bell curve of the first derivative of value R subtracted from the right angle that bisects the curve...

Steve:
Right, right, right so this is basically a made-up formula that really doesn't apply much to anything but sounds good.

Bill:
That's exactly why we're using it as well because it really does give us objectivism and object study of circumstances...I mean...actually I have no idea what I'm talking about but it does sound good.

Steve:
Professionally speaking it really does and does give me a lot of insight into things I didn't know existed until you made them up.

Bill:
Thank you Steve...I'm glad you understand it.

Steve:
Anyway my next question is David Ortiz. Do you think David can contribute to the Sox in 2012.

Bill:
That's a great question Bill and many argue that David can only hit and not in the clutch, can't outrun a turtle that just got run over by a car and usually hits into double plays and is not a team player and is way overpaid and keeps getting more money the Sox could use for beefing up right field, the catching position, and most of the starting and bullpen rotation but I think the fans see this as a great advantage that can help the Red Sox long term. How, I'm not exactly sure since it defies any sort of logic but I think it will.

Steve:
Right, right, right...I think you are right in this aspect. I mean David can hit...into double plays, lose a lot of games for the Red Sox and fail to participate in making things happen but at the same time he's a large presence and has lots of...ah...personality that really overshadows those other qualities.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Sorry I was watching Dark Knight where Batman beats up the Joker. It's really an intense scene. Fans enjoy watching the Batman when he beat up on the Joker...its really creepy. The Joker represents anarchy while Batman represents vigilance and terror and a great merchandising opportunity.

Steve:
Right, right...I agree. Now Bill what about Jonathan Papelbon.

Bill:
Well I have no idea but Papelbon's WHIP and ERA and WAP stats along with his BUTT and TUCK stats really do make him one of the best pitchers today but its really his FLAP and FLIP stats that derive for us an answer.

Steve:
Right, right, right, that's good analysis and I think the fans follow you completely.

Bill:
Glad they do because I have no idea what I'm talking about but hold on...Batman is not going to rescue Rachel on time...this looks bad for the Dark Knight.

Steve:
Right, right, right, well thank you for being on...on this show today Bill. It really does show the fans why you are the elite baseball expert.

Bill:
Well thank you Steve and as they say in baseball when you WAT and AVG and RIB and RBI and DAT attack don't forget your BRAQ.

Steve:
Right, right right...and that was very funny I think...whatever a BRAQ and RIB and DAT mean.

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Hey I'm trying to watch the Dark Knight here...oh crap Rachel's dead. This is bad for the Dark Knight.

Steve:
Bill can I ask you with John Lackey and Dice-K out for the season and Jonathan Papelbon gone but the Sox signed Fat Albert...er... Matt Albers what are the Sox going to do about starting pitching and the bullpen.

Bill:
That's a great question but I'm afraid I'll have to answer it with more nonsensical stats and besides Harvey Dent just became Two Face. Oh gross...that's disgusting.

Steve:
Well anyway Bill, have a good day everyone and keep that Red Sox Nation banner flying!

Bill:
Ya fans keep reading the Globe for more insight than Gilligan's Island.

Steve:
That doesn't help Bill.

Bill:
Ya well so what...I'm watching Batman.