Theo Epstein's dream team comes true

In a frank and candid interview, Theo Epstein talked about the team he has been building for years and has finally reached fruition this year.  The results were truly shocking.  No wonder he wears a gorilla suit.

'To be honest, I was getting bored after the 2004 world series win.  I mean...when we won in 2007, I was kind of frustrated.  What's the next big thing to do -- more world series?  BORING!  Look at it this way.  Fans in Boston are angry.  They want to be angry and I wanted to give them a team worthy of their anger That's the Vent Sox.  Get it?  I laughed for half an hour when I said it'

Theo said that he and Cherington have worked relentlessly to give fans something to cry about and have greatly succeeded.

"We both knew that when we hired Carl Crawford, he was going to be the second coming of J.D. Drew.  It took a year but he hasn't disappointed and fans have eaten it up.  Page after page of twitters and blogs dedicated to the frustration.  I mean, its more than I could have hoped for and I hope the fans are thankful because its not easy breaking the finances of the team like this for players who can't perform...well, not really."

Theo said it was hard to decide which player reached his goal of the 'Vent Sox' but he thinks J.D. Drew might be it.

"We setup an frustration metric and J.D. has continuously been on top although Lackey was there for a year but then fell off the radar.  He'll be back.  Anyway, Drew gets hurt like crazy, walks a lot and whines all the time about everything with zero personality.  I mean, what more could you want.  We talked often with J.D. about how to be dry, boring yet push towards the D.L. every second you can...and the fans responded overwhemingly to this guy.  Sorry...tears again."

Theo also said that trading away talent also gets the fans in uproar.

"I talked with Ben, after I left and said Papelbon needs to go.  He's the exact opposite of what we want in a player.  The bastard is a leader, doesn't whine and works hard at his craft.  Disgusting if you ask me.  Pedroia should be next.  Then I said get rid of Reddick and Lowrie.  We looked for brittle players and got Bailey and then...well, let's just say the pieces came together better than cake and ice cream.  We celebrated by the way with cake and ice cream.  We really crippled the team.  Gotta love it.'

We also asked Theo about John Lackey and Julio Lugo.

"I was very frustrated with Lugo.  He got hurt all the time, threw wild to first base, hit nothing and generally was my dream player...but the fans didn't seem to notice enough.  It was very aggrivating.  I'm just glad that the dynamic duo of Crawford/Gonsalez filled it in.  While Crawford may never pay again, Gonsalez has the biggest salary in history for hitting base hits...when he does.  I love it.'

We asked Theo if he felt the team reached its goals.

"For a while no but now that I look deeper -- oh ya.  This may be the worst Red Sox team in history relative to their salaries.  I just want to say that the Cubs are next -- watch OUT!'

I'm Joe Derive.