Joe Derive in Florida

Hi,  I'm Joe Derive and I'm in Florida and the weather is just gorgeous and the food is great.  Actually sitting down against the warm sun is the favorite thing for me to do...but I did do my job, in between sun bathing.

Johnny Damon.
Johnny Damon can't figure out why the Yankees haven't called him despite the perfect match.  Here is what I think:

Johnny Damon, if the Yankees haven't called you don't take it personally.  You're 38 and while a great player and a good hitter you have an ego the size of Mt. Rushmore and your comment didn't help your cause -- just a thought but sounding stupid doesn't earn you brownie points.

Carl Crawford:
Carl Crawford doesn't like what John Henry said about him but he was OK with what Valentine said since that's TV (referring to his stance.)  Now I have nothing against Carl, he's a great player but it was a bad deal for the Sox and everyone knows it.  Here are my thoughts:

Carl, this isn't ABOUT YOU.  I know that's hard to believe but it was about Theo Epstein and his bad move to get you into the organization when you were not a fit.  That's what it's about.  Then you get injured and cost the team more time and money solidifying John Henry's case NOT going against it.  
Your batting stance:  Carl, when you're paid several million dollars and don't perform, don't expect warm fuzzies.  If you're paid $10 dollars an hour, then whine...really its OK but you're not -- you're being paid more than most American citizens will make in 100 lifetimes so stop whining and start playing. 

Tim Wakefield
Jerry Remy said it was hard to give up the game well Tim Wakefield proved it and frankly I was moved to tears and I haven't cried that hard since I saw The Champ (that's our little secret guys OK!)   Anyway, we'll miss ya Tim and all you gave.  You did the right thing and did a class act.  I'm proud.  It wasn't easy to do but necessary and I'm sure it wasn't easy.  We'll miss ya Tim!

Manny Ramirez
There is no question that Manny will be a great asset to the Oakland A's.  He'll annoy everyone in the clubhouse, do steroids, commit criminal acts and still get a paycheck...wait Oakland -- what we're you thinking!!!

Julio Lugo
Lugo was all set to sign with the Cleveland Indians but the contract was not signed. Yet you'll all be glad to know that Julio has a web site.  I'll post the link but first I have to reboot my browser since it crashed it..which is actually appropriate because it was crashing reality when I read it.  Talk about spin!!! 

http://www.mergepoint.com/juliolugo/bio.html.

Anyway, we wish you well Julio.  Really...OK on to other topics.

Food Combinations
For all you guys out there, three beers, two large bottles of red wine, fifteen hot dogs, a slurpee, two bowls of ice cream, four ding-dongs and three apple pies are not conducive to a good night's sleep...not that it has anything to do with me of course. I might also add that three pizza's and an entire box of Oreo's with whole milk...not good but it was so good at the time.

I'm Joe Derive.

Joe Derive and Truck day

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and we're here on Truck day where a bunch of insane fans are braving the cold to watch a tracker trailer truck head out to Florida for the start of Spring training.  I talked to some fans and the truck driver.  Here's what happened.

Truck driver
"Oh about one third of the truck is baseball equipment.  We also got an X-Ray machine as well.  Most of the rest is dirt bikes,  golf clubs, frozen fried chicken, beer,  caviar, fine jewelry, cheese and wine, ah...a variety of cold cereals, pop-tarts, adult movies, you know stuff the players need to get them in the mood to play baseball.  "

"Wait...did you say pop-tarts?"

"Ya, got that and massage equipment, a hot tub, hair dryers, Italian suits, expensive headphones, custom designed golf shoes...lawn equipment, art supplies, you know essentials..."


"OK, well good luck on your trip and we won't take up anymore of your time...I hope."

I then talked to a bunch of fans starting with this family.

FAMILY
"Daddy I want to go home... I can't feel my feet."
"We came all the way from Austrialia to see this and we're going to see this stupid truck leave and we're going to like it because we're Red Sox fans...GOT IT"
"Yes Daddy...but I can't feel my toes..."
"Honey, she has a point...we're standing here in the cold to watch a tractor trailer truck drive away..."
"You would think that they would hand out Hot chocolate or something!"

OK well, that was pleasant...and yes I got them some hot chocolate...man the Sox management is cheap.  Here the fans are waiting out in the cold to watch a truck leave the stadium and they won't even buy them hot chocolate...I asked Larry Luchino about this.

Larry
We have such loyal fans,..some family from Australia, New York, all over the world come to see this truck leave...its a tradition Joe.
"How about handing them some hot chocolate?"
"Well of course.  Fans can purchase hot chocolate and if they buy it now it's only $14.00 a cup plus we're giving away free cups with the hot chocolate signed by the truck driver."
Of all the outrageous ideas Larry!  How can you be this cheap!
"Look Joe, we're also handing out autographed hats and gloves that fans can purchase at $75 for the hats and $95 for the gloves.  They were worn heavily by Josh Beckett while he worked out in the winter so you get his stinking sweat as well.  Its a bargain...and did I mention if you have an extra $126, we're selling J.D. Drew's diarrhea underwear as well as Tim Wakefield's kidney stone underwear...."
No!!!!


OK, Sox fans.  You need to write a bunch of letters to these nutcases so we can take back our team...

"Hey Joe have you seen where they're selling Josh Beckett's gloves and hats...!"

I'm Joe Derive and get me OUT OF HERE!!!!

Joe Derive's Book Club!!!!

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and in my latest drinking binge I had this idea for some videos. I'm really glad that some baseball players decided to promote their books in order to promote their pocket books. Now I know its after Christmas but so what.


Bobby Jenks - $24.95 with a 20% offer
Hi, I'm Bobby Jenks. My new book available from Barnes and Noble Nook is called

'How To Work Out And Get Multiple Back Injuries Requiring Surgery' by Bobby Jenks

This new Nook edition takes you through the steps needed to complete this successful weight loss and fitness improvement program. In this book, I'll show you the steps needed to really get the look you want and still get multiple back surgeries probably ruining your career. This Nook edition is great since you get to read it and work out at the same time. I'll show you how to eat French fries, Twinkies, lots of lard producing processed cheese and all of this while watching the White Sox on your couch watching your blood pressure go through the roof and still get a back injury so run out today...well actually wheel chair out if you follow my plan and get one today.

Manny Ramirez - $36.95 with 10% offer
Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez. My new book available from Amazon.com in hardcover is called:

"How to ruin a Hall-Of-Fame career With Extensive Drug Use and Jail Time" by Manny Ramirez

This new edition takes you through my career and shows you the steps needed to remove a talented career in favor of a washed up retirement. I show you the steps to success including pushing old people to the ground, faking injuries, taking steroids while claiming you were taking Viagra as well as showing a constant immature attitude...but there's more. I'll also show you how to be a complete ass as I dig my own grave of shame and smile about it. So get your book today and do it before you get into too much trouble by following my plan!

Theo Epstein - $134,749.24 with a 1% offer
Hi, I'm Theo Epstein. My new book is available from Borders on its closeout rack in a warehouse somewhere. I think this is actually why Borders went out of business. Anyway, it is called:

"How My Amazing Education Failed to Remove My Stupid " by Theo Epstein

Now don't get discouraged if the title confuses you. Just remember that just because I went to a terrific school I still can add 200 million plus no talent equals total team failure. I did it to Boston and now I take that great talent and bring it to Chicago. I'll show you how to buy a gorilla suit and wear it without ECT treatment and I'll show you how to buy a house (variable mortgage and basement floods with a roof that needs replacement and a crumbling foundation). All these things and more like buying stuff and throwing it away or drill holes in your head for better holistic thinking...some come on down and buy this.

John Henry $23.23 with a 100% discount
Hi, I'm John Henry and run down and get my book at your local book store:

"How To Put Your Foot In Your Mouth Every Time You Talk Because You Can't Help It "

I know this is a book for anyone's Christmas list and I certainly want you to run out and get this book because its about how you talk to people and learn to duck as they throw things at you for sounding like a total idiot. I'll show you my own life examples like buying headphones for my overpriced ballplayers or spending tons of time on a soccer team as the Red Sox collapsed or how I let Theo Epstein go before I settled with Chicago loosing any leverage I had. Wow, get this book and Theo Epstein's book and you're sure to have success in life. So get your butt off the couch and start living the John Henry lifestyle which includes calling talk shows on the radio so you can sound stupid too like me do.

OK, that's it folks...see ya soon!

Ben Cherington

Ben walked slowly into Larry Lucchiono's office and was greeted with a warm but somewhat hesitant smile. Actually Ben noticed the smile was almost strained but he ignored his obvious misperceptions and sat down in a seat that appeared to be about three inches off the floor. As he sat in the chair he noticed it was solid wood and was several sizes to small for him.

"Ben, so glad you could come in. Great job you're doing, great job!"

"Thank you sir. I just had an idea about Right field..."

"Wait...you didn't...act upon it...did you?"

"No sir!"

Larry seemed to sigh in relief and sit down on a warm and soft leather chair.

"So Arnie tells me you're doing well in his kitchen."

"Yes sir. I just want you to know that I paid for all the damage from the accidental explosion from the gas leak when I damaged the pipe and then lit a match...whew glad I wasn't hurt. "

"Ya well Arnie just wanted you to know that his restaurant will be reopening in a secret location that's too secret for you to find it...and don't...please."

The volume of Larry's words went off to a high audible level with 'please' but Ben ignored it mainly because he could barely hear it.

"So...what other ideas do you have?"

"Sir, I was thinking that considering J,D, Drew's outstanding performance with the Sox you know that we could sign him again for right field. Also, Julio Lugo has expressed interest in returning and taking over as a starting pitcher or bullpen relief. I ran them by Arnie and he said something about my medications."

"Right, "snorted Larry who then reached for a drink and gulped it down.

"Wow, I've never seen anyone drink 140 proof that fast Larry. "

"Ya well, you're an inspiration to me Ben!"

Ben smiled realizing how happy he could make Larry in a day.

"I also understand you were working with this man named Greg on early Church history..."

"Ya well that didn't work out. He doesn't really know his history Larry. I mean the man thinks there are Ten Commandments. Can you believe that guy? We have fifteen commandments and I know it because I read them! Now we argued for over fifteen minutes before we both decided it was best I find other...what did he say...ah...avenues of employment that don't involve actual thinking. "

Ben heard a hard thumping sound and looked up to see Larry strike his head against the desk. He wondered what got into Larry.

"Is something wrong sir?"

"No nothing, "said Larry. "This is just therapy for me."

Larry then smiled and sat upright.

"So you also worked for this guy named Dave on computer programming?"

"Ya, 'said Ben. "But I tell you all his computers were a mess. I straightened them out. Now Dave didn't see it that way. For fifteen minutes he kept saying something about 'thank goodness for backups." Man what a strange day. He's really sensitive you know."

Ben sighed and then saw Larry gulp down more 140 proof.

"SO then you worked for someone named Craig."

"Ya, I borrowed some money from him and invested it in the Las Vegas casinos. I told him that it would be a great, great investment. Tell me Larry. what's a foreclosure because Craig said I gave him one. He wasn't very happy."

Larry just turned into stone at this moment.

"So then you worked for Andrew, a lawyer."

"Ya, did you know Lawyers can get sued too because Andrew has a ton of lawsuits and they all involve cases I managed. What a coincidence? Needless to say Andrew said he no longer had need for the position I filled...or actually his office, his home, his car. Wow that man fell on hard times."

Ben then leaned back in his chair.

"Then I worked for Ellen's husband at the bank Larry. Whew, glad I worked there because that bank said it was doing well but I tell you when I worked for three days somehow..."

"The bank went out of business?"

"Ya, I mean we got one burglary and the burglars looked at me and then left saying something about it wasn't worth robbing a bank where Ben Cherington is in charge. Strange!"

"So then you worked for Garry?"

"Ya, Garry kept giving me this baseball advise that made no sense."

"Can't imagine why, "said Larry.

"Bunting, baserunning, conditioning, etc. Whew...totally lost me on bunting. What's a bunt?"

Larry then smiled and looked around at the window.

"So, John Henry really...likes you????"

"Yup, he says I'm the shining image of Theo Epstein!"

"Ya, I can see that. OK Ben well have a nice day. "

"You too Larry. Great working with you!"

Ben strolled out then paused at the door.

"Larry, I was thinking about Tim Wakefield at third base and trading Youk for a player to be named later..."

"Ben have you been taking your medications?"

THE END.

What Is Wrong With This Picture?

Steve:
Hello, I'm Steve Thunker and I'm replacing Joe Derive who is sick with the 'flu'. I'm the producer of Joe's video feeds and I also clean toilets to a sparkle. Today we have Boston Globe columnist Bill Snicker and today we're talking about the Red Sox and their future. Welcome Bill.

Bill:
Welcome Steve, it's great to be here.

Steve:
It's great to have you here Bill. It's always a pleasure and frankly an honor to have you on.

Bill:
The pleasure is mine Steve and as always its great to be on this show.

Steve:
Right, right, right. So let's start with the obvious question which is what about Bobby Valentine. I mean, clearly a brilliant manager and you knew that from his commentary. He spotted the fact that J.D. Drew, despite that gorgeous swing really isn't a great hitter and gets hurt a lot, and most of us didn't get that. He spotted the fact that Josh Beckett was taking too long between pitches and he pointed out that Carl Crawford's stance was terrible and all these things honestly escaped most of our viewers and listeners. Now given that premise, my question Bill is do you think Bobby Valentine is really the manager for the Sox.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Oh sorry, I fell asleep there while you were talking. I do that a lot. Nothing personal.

Steve:
Fine, fine, fine, that's OK.

Bill:
Anyway Steve, I feel that Bobby's OCT stats and his propensity and demand for FCTS's as well as his high DETS really is going to play a long way towards him being the manager that Boston needs right now.

Steve:
Fine, fine, fine...now Bill, I'm not familiar with OCT or DETS or FCTS and was wondering if you could...ah...clear that up for our listeners who really do have a demanding ear for the game and really like the stats and the numbers.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Sorry...I was watching the news and eating some chicken nuggets...got hungry while you were talking. Anyway, DETS and OCT and FCTS are complex calculations that offer us as commentators a numeric evaluation of the manager and give us an objective...mmm...nuggets with ketchup...ah...an objective way to scan out and evaluate a manager.

Steve:
right, right, right...ah..in this case what do those numbers tell you about Bobby Valentine.

Bill:
They need to...you know like all numbers we have to first stretch them out over the long term but for the short term the numbers tell us that especially the DETS is generating the bell curve of the first derivative of value R subtracted from the right angle that bisects the curve...

Steve:
Right, right, right so this is basically a made-up formula that really doesn't apply much to anything but sounds good.

Bill:
That's exactly why we're using it as well because it really does give us objectivism and object study of circumstances...I mean...actually I have no idea what I'm talking about but it does sound good.

Steve:
Professionally speaking it really does and does give me a lot of insight into things I didn't know existed until you made them up.

Bill:
Thank you Steve...I'm glad you understand it.

Steve:
Anyway my next question is David Ortiz. Do you think David can contribute to the Sox in 2012.

Bill:
That's a great question Bill and many argue that David can only hit and not in the clutch, can't outrun a turtle that just got run over by a car and usually hits into double plays and is not a team player and is way overpaid and keeps getting more money the Sox could use for beefing up right field, the catching position, and most of the starting and bullpen rotation but I think the fans see this as a great advantage that can help the Red Sox long term. How, I'm not exactly sure since it defies any sort of logic but I think it will.

Steve:
Right, right, right...I think you are right in this aspect. I mean David can hit...into double plays, lose a lot of games for the Red Sox and fail to participate in making things happen but at the same time he's a large presence and has lots of...ah...personality that really overshadows those other qualities.

Steve:
Bill...

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Sorry I was watching Dark Knight where Batman beats up the Joker. It's really an intense scene. Fans enjoy watching the Batman when he beat up on the Joker...its really creepy. The Joker represents anarchy while Batman represents vigilance and terror and a great merchandising opportunity.

Steve:
Right, right...I agree. Now Bill what about Jonathan Papelbon.

Bill:
Well I have no idea but Papelbon's WHIP and ERA and WAP stats along with his BUTT and TUCK stats really do make him one of the best pitchers today but its really his FLAP and FLIP stats that derive for us an answer.

Steve:
Right, right, right, that's good analysis and I think the fans follow you completely.

Bill:
Glad they do because I have no idea what I'm talking about but hold on...Batman is not going to rescue Rachel on time...this looks bad for the Dark Knight.

Steve:
Right, right, right, well thank you for being on...on this show today Bill. It really does show the fans why you are the elite baseball expert.

Bill:
Well thank you Steve and as they say in baseball when you WAT and AVG and RIB and RBI and DAT attack don't forget your BRAQ.

Steve:
Right, right right...and that was very funny I think...whatever a BRAQ and RIB and DAT mean.

Steve:
Bill...

Bill:
Hey I'm trying to watch the Dark Knight here...oh crap Rachel's dead. This is bad for the Dark Knight.

Steve:
Bill can I ask you with John Lackey and Dice-K out for the season and Jonathan Papelbon gone but the Sox signed Fat Albert...er... Matt Albers what are the Sox going to do about starting pitching and the bullpen.

Bill:
That's a great question but I'm afraid I'll have to answer it with more nonsensical stats and besides Harvey Dent just became Two Face. Oh gross...that's disgusting.

Steve:
Well anyway Bill, have a good day everyone and keep that Red Sox Nation banner flying!

Bill:
Ya fans keep reading the Globe for more insight than Gilligan's Island.

Steve:
That doesn't help Bill.

Bill:
Ya well so what...I'm watching Batman.

Winter Meetings

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and this is the winter meetings. If you think things are looking up for the Sox, think again. I sat down with Ben Cherington trying to understand 'the plan.'

"We are sticking with the plan and that means a plan that we put into effect. Many people wonder about the plan and I have made it clear that the plan is the plan and we plan on using the plan."

"Can you give my viewers any details of the plan because I have no idea what you just said?"

"Ah...no."

"So in other words, you don't have a plan."

"Of course I do Mr. Derive. You and your readers should know that we have the plan...you know like the Joker in Dark Knight...the plan...where he was doing things...that were...part of the plan."

"The Joker was insane..."

"Crap...OK we don't have a plan and I'm not insane...I think."

OK after that I had to walk away before I was getting Ben's infection of insanity. Now later I sat down with Theo Epstein who talked about Ben Cherington.

"Ben and I joked that I raided the Red Sox offices to look for secrets but ya know I was joking because I mean...I don't have a plan or anything besides spending money on useless free agents and...you're not quoting me are you Joe?"

I had to walk away from that one as well. I decided to hit up on John Farrell and talk to him. Here is what he said on the Red Sox collapse.

[no quote]

OK as you may have guessed he said nothing.

Now onto fan mail. Many of you have asked what I think of Daniel Bard becoming a starter. I say first you unload Papelbon and then you use Bard to become a starter and I say I guess its part of the plan to think stupid but that's me. So far the Sox are missing two starters, are going to use Bard (second best closer on the team) and Alfredo (best relief man in the pen) to start and have cleaned out the bullpen in the process leaving no starter and no long term relief...but then again we have Bobby Jenks who can't stay healthy for a day mainly because he's overweight and out of shape. Wow, talk about a drinking binge waiting to happen!

I'm Joe Derive...

Hello Bobby

(Thank you to Arnie for writing part of this one)

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I got an exclusive interview with Bobby Valentine...or did until Heather Watson got the interview from under me. Why would Bobby choose some woman, age thirty one with a size 44D and and fifteen inch waist and blonde hair and blue eyes that...oh ya, that's why. Anyway, here it is.

Heather:
Bobby, what are your plans to get the Sox back on track after their collapse?

Bobby:
Well, before we start, I was just thinking about my new cuff links. I know its a minor thing but I thought I would point that out. I think it makes my eyes shine Heather...don't you?

Heather:
Down boy! Bobby, where do you think Carl Crawford fits into the Sox' lineup?

Bobby:
They named a street after me in Japan, you know. 'Lobert Varentine Street.' I think I'll have John Henry rename Yawkey Way....." Bobby Way." Or maybe rename Fenway...... "Bobby V Field at Fenway." Has a nice ring to it which has nothing to do with my cufflinks...not that I was trying to make a link there...get it?

Heather: (hitting head on table)
Bobby, there is talk about making Daniel Bard a starter...what do you think?

Bobby:
Its a stupid idea but its going to happen because the owners are a bunch of morons...not that I said it of course. Anyway, I wanted you to know Heather that I have reserved seats at the finest restaurant in Boston and I do sixty pushups a day. That's sixty.

Heather: (rolling eyes)
Bobby, what do you think the changes of signing David Ortiz is?

Bobby:
I might also add that I do one hundred twenty situps a day and do leg lifts and lots of other exercise.

Heather:
Bobby you do not do one hundred twenty pushups...oh my...that stomach is like iron...hot...err...anyway...the question about David Ortiz and can you please put your shirt back on?

Bobby:
I think David Ortiz can be valuable but the problem is we lost Papelbon which was a dumb idea. The Red Sox management really has compost for gray matter...did I mention that I'm reliable and experienced?

Heather:
Ah...Bobby ah...Mr. Valentine this is an interview OK. Now about Jed Lowrie...what about the trading issue of his value?

Bobby:
Heather I have no bones about trading Jed Lowrie to get some pitching. Theo and his morons bled the team of talent and I intend to put it back not that guys like Cherington aren't following the tradition of 'be stupid' mind you but I can straighten that out...did I mention Heather that Boston is amazing in a hot tub with candle light and white wine and imported chocolates!

Heather:
Bobby, this is a professional...white wine? Wow, what year?

Bobby:
Its older than me!

Heather: (sultry smile)
You know Bobby, I find wine, when properly aged is ready for drinking don't you...Bobby!

Bobby (sweating all over);
Ah...

Heather:
You know Bobby, we can continue the interview later...because I do feel like getting wet starting with my lips.

Bobby:
Heather...that's a little extreme don't you think. I mean...I ah...Heather...Heather...


Joe Derive.
The interview stopped there. Of course I can sulk or sit here at Arnie's restaurant and drown my pain in Arnie's famous salad with green imported olives, fresh string beans, olive oil, tender chicken strips and crisp spinach and slices of apple...but that's OK...next time.

Arnie:
Don't feel bad Joe. You have so much to live for with your talent for writing and your charm and wit. I wouldn't worry.

Joe:
Ya and my tossed salad thanks to gaining fifteen pounds ON YOUR COOKING.

Arnie:
Hey, I can't help it if Arnie's is the best cooking this side of the Moon.

Joe:
To great food...and a diet!

Arnie:
To the Red Sox and their great...er...not-so-great...future.

Joe:
Cheers!