Damon the demon

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and this is sports:

Ya, its true. Johnny Damon got on to the Tigers and finally the press can move on from that story. I've met Johnny and all I can say is "insecure" is my middle name but heck, its baseball and when you get older you get insecure and you always have to sell yourself. You can never be good enough but I'm so tired of the JD lines.
"I can make the team better, I can help them win a world series, I can..." Gee am I tired of these stupid interviews. Here is my ideal interview.

"Johnny, can you stop saying the 'I can help the team get better line. ' It's getting old."
"Sure, Joe. I'm really sorry, I guess I was feeling really insecure about myself. Wow, I'm sorry."
"Another thing, can you stop bragging about how you can help a team win a world series. Johnny, only a total idiot would think you alone could help the Washington Senators."
"Ya, that's true Joe and what I should have said was that I need a job and I don't want to give up the game because I know I'll be doing not much of anything after that that's as exciting as baseball. Instead I'll be a fat slob watching soap operas and eating Twinkies."
"Now, can you apologize to the Red Sox for your promising not to sign with the Yankees and then signing with them."
"You know, I feel absolutely bad about that. What was I thinking. My ego once again got the best of me. I still have trouble sleeping over that. I'm really sorry. What an ass I made of myself."

Ya, well, we call can dream. Instead here is what Johnny said on the Julio Lugo radio show last night.

"OK Johnny, welcome to Lugo show and all...how'd you actually get a job anyway?"
"Hey (censored) you, you (censored). This is Johnny Damon talking here. I've got the biggest (censored) in history and everybody better get down and worship it and me in that order!"
"Ya, well, that's so disgusting on so many levels!"
"You, you're like the water boy that we all fear. You're an idiot. I can take the Washington Senators and turn them into the dynasty of the century just by smiling. I'm God so worship me you loser!"
"OK, well, how can your head get through a door with that ego!"
"Easy, I build a bigger door. Ha, Ha, Ha..."

So ya see folks, this is why I hate Johnny Damon. I'm Joe Derive