Spring Training report

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I'm here in Florida talking to the Red Sox and giving you, the reader, the inside scoop on what's going on down here.

My first assignment was touching base with the colorful Jonathan Papelbon. The hard throwing right hander blew the playoffs and it showed. He taped the inning and plays it over and over again when he'e worn out and tired. I was impressed.
(Let me clarify. I was impressed that the Red Sox kept buying new LCD monitors for everytime that Jonathan smashed the screen with a hammer after viewing his footage).

I also asked Jonathan about his future with the team. He said he wants to play with the Red Sox for a long time and yet he won't sign a long term contract. Instead he keeps his options open but he also said he's not seeing the Yankees in the future.
(Let me clarify. Jonathan, never take a lie detector test. You won't pass.)

I also asked Jonathan about his using the fastball exclusively instead of mixing pitches. Jonathan told me that he realized that throwing just the fastball made him very predictable and easily hitable and he wants to mix up his pitches this season.
(Let me clarify. Jonathan is the front runner for the 'Du' award.)

I also met with Dice-K. he hurt his back the minute he walked into spring training. He says its not serious and he should be fine.
(Let me clarify. Dice-K you can take your back and your contract and *** censored ***. And another thing you *** censored *** of *** censored ***, I'm tired of your *** censored ***, *** censored *** attitude. Nuff said!

The Sox say they have better communication with Dice-K this year. That's a great thing.
(Let me clarify: I can think of some guys at the loading docks that are very helpful with player manager communication. You listening Dice-K!)

Now, I don't want you to think that all things are bad. Clay Buckotz looks remarkable with a huge amount of weight gain. He shed that tiny exterior and looks bulked. Clay says its a hard workout schedule and he worked very hard all winter to build his body up.
(Let me clarify. What do Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriques have in common?)

I also met up with Tim Wakefield. I like Tim Wakefield and admire his determination. he's worked hard for what he gets and takes damn good care of himself. I hope he does well this season and proves to everyone that he's got a year left in him.
(Let me clarify. Dice-K has given him a fifth spot since that *** censored *** of *** censored*** won't last ten games. Here's a hint Boston. If the Mets want the player, stay *** censored *** away. )


That's all for now. Stay with me, Joe Derive, all season long as I bring you the straight scoop on the Red Sox all season long. Did I just say that twice? Man I'm thinking like Jonathan Papelbon now!