World's Dumbest Criminal

"Welcome, welcome, welcome...welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the Lugo SHOW!"

"All right well we have live on the phone from Sing, Sing Prison...the world's dumbest criminal Joe Bristolson. Hey Joe"

"Hey Julio. How's it goin?"

"Probably better than you I think. I'm not in prison. No offense but I'm not a loser!"

"I don't know Julio. I've seen your player stats. "

"Anyway, let's talk about you and your criminal career."

"Ya well, things haven't been going as planned. I started with a convenience store robbery. We stuck paper bags over our faces so ya, know, nobody sees us but that didn't work out well."

"Why is that?'

"We sorta forgot to put in eye holes in the bags. I know that seems obvious but in the middle of a crime, you don't think about those things. Anyway, musta knocked over about five shelves but the worst was the cooking oil...I fell all over the floor and that's when I took that retarded paper bag off my head."

"Exposing yourself to the camera. Good thinking. And that's when they arrested you right?"

"Not...exactly. Ya I did take off an all, but not before we got the safe."

"You stole the safe?"

"Sort of...it was heavier than we thought so we dragged it to the parking lot and I used my pickup truck to drag it home. Guess the cops kinda thought that was a little weird specially since they spotted my truck so easy. Stupid flashing neon lights. What was I thinking and then ya know with license plates that say "RedSox-1...ya that kinda gave us away."

"So...you went to jail?"

"Ya, ya, I sorta did but I did escape. Four hours of freedom!"

"What happened?"

"Well my girlfriend wanted some support at her trial so I drove to the courthouse. That wasn't my brightest moment. Sorta like everything you step to the plate."

"OK, first stop making fun of me. Second, you DROVE to the courthouse. Are you insane? You were spotted right away right?"

"Well ya I suppose. Wouldn't have been a problem but I kinda stole the car. I mean, I wasn't gonna take the bus or something. That's crazy. I could be ID'd"

"Why not drive to the police station and hang a sign over your head!"

"Oh that's not how I got charged! I almost beat the stolen car thing."

"I can't wait."

"I was caught when I appeared before a lineup. Ya see I knew enough to wear gloves and a mask. Problem was when they all lined us up and the cop said "everyone say stick em' up." That wasn't what I said. I said "hands up."

"So"

"So I guess I shouldn't have shouted out "that's not what I said in front of everyone. Kinda gave me away."

"Ya I can see that."

"So anyway, five years later I get out."

"And you rob a bank."

'No I tried to rob a bank. I went in there and blew it. Rule number three. Make sure there are no cops in line when you try to rob a bank."

"What's rule number 2?"

"When you have a weapon in your pants pocket, make sure you can get it out of your pants pocket."

"And number one?"

"Make sure you ain't overweight preventing you from getting the weapon out of your pants pocket. Stupid ice cream bars. So now I'm stuck here...but I made sure I'm underweight. I have a lot of time to serve. So instead of making money from robbing a bank, I'm just making license plates. "

"How long are you in?"

"Well, I'm forty now so I got twenty years but I figure with good health I can get out at 60 and rob a bank. Gotta make a living."

"Ever thought about getting a real job?"

"I did after all if they pay you a boatload of money with your talent then they'll take me in a second."

"You're too old."

"No I ain't! I broke out of the prison. Wasn't easy but I'm free. I just two blocks from your station now Julio. Fortunately I'm using a stolen cellphone from some FBI agent instead of a payphone so they can't trace the phone. "

"Ya well...anyway...it's been nice talking to you."

"Crap they found me. Shouldn't have worn that Elvis Presley shirt but man it looked so cool with my glow-in-the-dark boots. "

"I gotta tell you. You are about the dumbest criminal I have ever met."

"Wow, that's something comin from you!"

"Oh well, join us next time on the Julio Lugo show."

"Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye...from the Julio Lugo Show."

"Portions of the broadcast are paid for by the Roger Clemens charity fund. The Roger Clemens charity fund has been denying being a front for steroid drug sales for over twenty years. "