John Henry Addresses Concerns

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.  We're here at Fenway Park in Boston prepping for the home opener.  John Henry is about to walk on stage and thanks to my trusty helper, he's carrying a secret voice recorder so we can hear everything he's saying.  Hee, hee.  Hope he doesn't find out.  Oh here comes John Henry now)


"Welcome.  I'm so glad to be here.  Questions!"

(I'm first)
Mr Henry, due to the 1 and 5 record of the team going into Fenway, what things can the organization do to turn things around.

"1 and 5?  That's not possible.  I just came from England and they're doing great...you know like Tony The Tiger...GRRREAT!  I love that cereal.  It's part of a complete breakfast."

(OK, the crowd looks confused.)

No, Mr. Henry, The Red Sox!

(Henry starts to laugh and pulls up his pant legs to show us his socks.)

"No, I'm wearing black socks today.  I would never wear red socks.  Ha, ha."

(OK, I'm groaning folks)
Mr. Henry.  The team...the Red Sox...you know...don't you?

"Oh, right..well...wait...we're 1 and 5????  Ben told me we were 6 and 0...excuse me!"

(I watch John Henry walk over to Ben Cherington.  I turn on the hidden microphone)

(John -> Ben)
"Are you telling me, my team, is [bleep] 1 and 5?"
"Ah, yes, sir...sir."

(John then walks back to the microphone)
"Well, that's a little problem but I have complete confidence that with a closer like Jonathan Papelbon and a manager like Terry Francona, I'm not worried at all."

(There is an amazing silence in the crowd.  John's eyes widen.  He walks back to Ben.  This time his pace is a lot faster. I turn on the microphone)
"Sir...ah...we felt with all the closers out there, we didn't need overpriced Papelbon...and we fired Francona...you know."
'[bleep], no wonder he kept calling me.  OK...wait we got rid of Papelbon.  Who took his place???"
'Andrew Bailey sir.'
'Brittle Bailey.  Are you telling me you got Brittle Bailey.  Thank goodness he's not on the DL.'

(John walks back to the microphone.  His teeth are grinding.)
"Sorry about the wait folks.  First, we are so sad to see Terry Francona go and Papelbon but we are so excited about Andrew Bailey taking over..."

(John pauses as if some sort of realization hits him.  He then walks back to Ben who is screaming in the background.  Ben whispers in John's ear.  We can't here what he's saying)
"Oh for the love of mercy!"

(John walks back to the microphone)
"Well, I see Andrew is hurt...again.  Fortunately we have Daniel Bard as a closer..."

(We hear screaming in the background.  It's Ben Cherington.  John then walks back to a screaming Ben.  We turn on the microphone)
'You made him a starter...with two [bleep] pitches...Melanon is the closer?  That dolt can't strike out a blind camel."

(John walks down to the podium.  He waves his hands and laughs)
"We are very excited about our prospects.  Daniel will make a great starter.  Who needs an effective closer when we have such talent in the bullpen....ah...can we talk about Liverpool now?

(I raise my hand)
"John, how do you feel about Bobby Valentine as manager?"

(John's eyes squint and his face looks like he dropped a lead brick on his foot.  John walks back to Cherington)
"Mellanon is the closer.  Valentine is the manager.  Bailey is on the DL.  This is a disaster.  We're ruined."

(John walks back to the podium all smiles.)
"And we're really excited about the energy that Bobby Valentine can bring...questions?

(I raise my hand)
"Do you see Carl Crawford returning by the All Star break?"

(John mouths a swear than walks over to Ben.  Ben bows down after John slugs him in the stomach.  Ben is crying in pain.  John is wincing from the punch.)

(John walks over to the podium)
"Sorry, Ben is suffering from stomach problems.  Yes, I can see Carl Crawford coming back by then.  It's not like he has a wrist injury right?"

(John stares at the crowd.  His smile fades.  He walks back to Ben.  He head butts Ben and walks back to the stage)

"Here I am angry and realize that Bobby Jenks can also be closer.  "

(We all stare blankly.  John looks up at the sky.  We can hear a scream barely come out of his mouth.  John then walks back to Ben.  He pulls on Ben's hair and whispers in his ear.  He then kicks Ben in the ribs.  He grabs the nearest chair and throws it off stage.  He kicks Ben over and over again in the ribs.  )


(John is back on stage with a great smile on his face but his teeth don't move at all.)
"Oh, I see Bobby's been arrested for a DUI, hit and run, etc., etc.  Wow, but I'm not worried folks because we have tremendous talent on the team. Not Papelbon and I'm sure Jacobe will run for the hills but oh I'm sure we overpaid for David Ortiz.  I know we did.  You know, I want Ben to know that I hold him entirely responsible for this team and I want him to know that if this team fails it will be on his shoulders and ribs and back and feet and hands and jaw and teeth.  "

(I'm Joe Derive)

Bard Requests New Hat

Hi, I'm Joe Derive:

Daniel Bard sat down with me for a few minutes about being a starter for the first time in history.  He's excited.

"I deserve it.  I'm the best and Ben Cherington says so.  Sure, right now, I'm awful but if you ignore my pathetic record, I'm the Ace of the team already.  I'm mostly sure that two...or three years down the road, I'm gonna be great...but if I'm not, Ben is so in love with my intelligence and good looks that he has framed photos of me in the office.  I've never seen it myself.  He never invites me to his office and never tells me how many there are.  I wonder why. "

Bard surprised me with his confidence and frank stupidity all at the same time.  I asked him his expectations for tonight.

"Ben said to me that I'd have to give up fifty runs a game just to have concern over my great looks and talent.  Heck, I can throw underhanded and they'll keep me in the lineup.  I mean, other, inferior pitchers, go to Pawtucket to get their skill set updated for a transition like this, but I'm just too amazing and awe inspiring for such treatment...and I'm incredibly intelligent as well. Did I mention Ben said to me that my eyes are the most beautiful he's ever seen...do you know what did he mean by that?"

After a long pause, I asked him what about Bobby Valentine and his expectations.

'Bobby is small fries.  Ben told me so.  He didn't even want him as manager.  He said if I retired he'd have me as manager.  Already we hang out together.  He bought me several suits, a car and a special motel suite that he says we can hang out together and watch movies.  I've been too busy admiring myself to go but Ben insists that it be soon. He just can't stand not being around me.  I mean, how can you turn a guy down who says he loves my talent with a big emphasis on 'love.'

I asked what would happen if he blew games every time.

'Ben says I'm a work in progress and he will get me into position to be a killer pitcher...and if not he'll make me a manager.  Ben says that he will not let me leave this team at any cost. We talk every night on the phone about my program, my abilities, my great intelligence and my amazing chest hairs.  I tell ya, he and I connect so well and he says he wants me to have an intimate connection with him on many levels.  I wonder what he meant by that. '

I really had no question after that.  I just wanted to wash some images out of my head but Bard wouldn't shut up.

 "I mean, Ben told me the other day, I could play Thor in the Avengers movie or any movie I want.  I like Ben a lot. "

I'm Joe Derive.  I need a drink.

Lugo's show is back!!!!

From WBZZ in Boston, it's 3:00 am in the morning and that's the wakeup call for Julio Lugo

Hey everyone!  Everyone said my show would never go on the air but we beat out -- barely -- but we did beat the show - 'Mentally Ill Psychics Talk to Three Eyed Green Martians on ShortWave' so we're back!  Join us now and call in to Julio Lugo, the man who was there when the Red Sox won the world series in 1918...err...2007...wow is it that long ago?

Oh, we have our first call.  Oh my, its John Henry.  Who would have thought.  It's not like I called him.  Ha,ha,ha...

"Lugo, I see the light.  We need you to power this team to a World Series.  Please come back.  I'll make you team co-owner...please..."

(noise in background.)

"Lugo!!! This is Mrs. Henry.  You know John is having trouble sleeping since the Sox lost 50 games in a row or whatever it is.  Stop calling him at...3:00 am in the morning...its 3:00 am in the morning. NOW HE DOESN'T WANT YOU BACK OK. He's got enough garbage on the team and nobody needs to tell him.  We're even running the Red Sox 2004 and 2007 games on NESN instead of the regular game in Toronto to keep his mind off the situation.  Now GO TO #%$#$'

OK, anyway, that was John Henry and the ever so sweet Mrs. Henry. Oh...another call.

"Lugo...Arnie here."

Hey Arnie.

"You're not opening up a restaurant are you?"

Ah...no.

"Good...I can sleep now."

OK, that was odd.  Just because I blew up Arnie's old restaurant...I mean I paid for it out of a loan from John Henry.  Anyway, let's take another call from someone called M. M."

"Hey Julio.  I just wanted to ask you.  "

Go ahead

"If you were...say put in a pressure position as a closer on the Red Sox and you blew say...three runs and can't get an out...would it bother you?"

Ah...not really.  Get a paycheck either way.  Next.

"Lugo...A.A. here.  Let me ask you, if you were a good starter, much better than someone named Daniel...let's call him Bard and yet they dumped you in the bullpen and you can't get an out..ah...does it bring back memories for you?'

HEY...I was never a pitcher...but as a shortstop unable to throw to first base, grab a ground ball, hit, field, ah..run...ya I can understand...but I was paid.  Never sign with the Red Sox unless you intend to be on the D.L. or get a fat paycheck to play bad.

"DARN...I knew I was missing something.  Get the paycheck first!"

OK...we'll be back with the Lugo show after these messages...ah...didn't we get an ad?  Not even public services wanted to broadcast?  This is humiliating.

Britain's Brittle Bailey Denies Rumors His First Name is Beetle

Britain's Brittle Beetle Bailey has stated for the record that his first name is NOT Beetle but Andrew.  Despite that, rumors persist forcing him to hold a press conference.  Here is the transcript.  Please note corrections to Beetle Bailey speak are in brackets [].

"First of all, my name is not Brittle.  I am not Brittle nor is my first name Beetle and I am not tied into with comic strip Beetle Bailey so please stop [the] lawsuits OK.  Beetle is dumber [dumb] but I'm smartful [smart].  I also want to add I am not from Britain.  Everyone knows Britain is in France [actually England] and I was never in France.  Come on guys, this is kinda hurtful ya know...just like when I stepped on an eraser this morning and broke two bones in my foot.  Gee."

After the jaw-dropping opening statement a series of questions were asked:

Brittle:  Do you think you can continue considering your perpensity for injuries!

"Come on guys...ah what's perpensity?  What does that mean?"

Brittle:  Can you play despite injuries.

"Once my foot and thumber [thumb] are healed I'll be fine.  We're still wait and see on my seperator [dislocated] shoulder but hey, I never thought opening a door would be a problem but things happen."

Brittle:Sir. how was your time with Sergeant Snorkel and does he still do hilarious antics.

"OK, once again my first name is not Beetle its Brittle...I mean Andrew.  Now ya got me doing it.  Come on guys, I never was in the army.  Beetle Bailey was started before I was born...I think [Beetle Bailey started in 1950 by Mort Walker so he got one right].  I'm a smarterer [smarter] guy than Beetle.  Man...my hips hurt.  If I sit down too long my hiplet [hip or pelvis is acceptable] bones [bone since there is only one hip bone] develops crackers [what they're edible???].  Excuse me. I have to stand up."

Brittle:  Brittle Beetle, do you feel you are going to be an effective closer for the Red Sox?

"OK that's really hurtsome [hurtful].  I mean...I am an good [effective] pitcher and when I get back after my thumb, shoulder, foot and hip heel [heal not heel] I will be effectiveer [effective].  The Red Sox have history of getting healthier [healthy] players like Jenks and Lackey and Dice-K and Drew. and Smotz and Penny and oh ya that's not betterer [better] example. Wow...no wonder they wanted me.  Hey listen guys I gotta go.  If I stand up too long my Fender bone [Femur we're guessing] and my hubcap [have no idea there] bones start to bend and break.  See ya."

I'm Joe Derive

Red Sox Open New Trauma Clinic for Tired Fans

Today, the Boston Red Sox opened up a new Trauma Clinic, called the Buckner Clinic, located in LiverPool England.  The Clinic was an expensive project but Sox President John Henry said it was very necessary.

"We wanted to open it up when the Sox lost their first game.  We were hoping for two or three games into the season but now is as good a time as any -- since the Sox played one game and lost it.  I just can't remember the last time this club won a game...oh well, I have a LiverPool match to attend. "

Henry was not available for comment but invited the press for a tour.   He said his theme, in addition to providing extensive counseling, was to get fans to appreciate what its like to be a Red Sox player.  But before the tour, be sure to stay in the J.D. Drew hotel just south of the hotel.  Here fans, like the retired outfielder himself, can enjoy downtime without actually doing anything and can enjoy major dizzy spells while taking the spinning elevator.  We tried it ourselves and suffered major vertigo but were frustrated we didn't have back or neck problems.  We really wanted to feel like J.D. Drew.

Once inside though fans can enjoy the Dice-K workout center.  So far the test fans seem to enjoy getting endless shoulder and back injuries like the famous pitcher and really like that feeling of being part of the team. Fans could even go on the virtual disabled list and play the DL game for fun.

Fans need not distress though for they can play on the Julio Lugo tennis courts.  The courts themselves are designed so the ball is always missed by the racket -- just like Julio Lugo did on the team.  Many fans called it so exciting.  The key was to create a slick surface so fans could slip and slide all over the place in hilarious fashion just like Lugo did! 

After dinner fans can enjoy the Bobby Jenks bar and grill.  Fans can enjoy getting majorly smashed and then can drive demolition derby cars at each other in the demolition derby arena.  While driving around smashing other cars, you'll here some of Bobby's more hilarious comments trying to convince everyone he's sorry for what he did to the team.  You can't hear it with a straight face!

Finally, you'll get great counseling as well from former Red Sox players like Tim Wakefield, Jason Varitek and others as they talk about their experiences on the team and if that isn't enough fans can watch game 6 of the 1986 World Series played on IMAX with surround sound and in 3D to give the fans that uplifting experience.  During the collapse of Bob Stanley, the sound is actually increased and even more screaming Mets fans can be heard. 

So join up today.  Total cost is about twenty five thousand dollars and does not cover travel expenses.

I'm Joe Derive.

All Right We're SORRY!

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and frankly this is getting SAD.  There is a rash of retractions and apologizing and other nonsense.  This is baseball.We have thick skins.

It all started with Jonathan Papelbon.  He said Boston fans are passionate but Philly fans know the game due to the national league rules of the pitcher which, of course, makes it a more strategy game vs a hitting game. So what does Jonathan have to do.

...I'm sorry.  No insult intended.  Of course Boston fans are smart, blah, blah, blah.

Who cares!  This is Papelbon.  Everything that comes out of his mouth is slightly off key.  So what!  Then comes a reporter for the Boston Globe stating that there is a rift between Valentine and Ben Cherington.  and Bobby Valentine. Now Bobby Valentine has to say:

I'm sorry...no rift. Blah, blah, blah...

But is that enough?  No, of course not.  Then comes John Lackey.  When asked about the beer in the clubhouse, John used the term 'retarded'.  So of course...

...I'm sorry...no insult intended.  Blah, blah, blah.

ENOUGH already.  Let's get a life here!  The newspapers are just getting out of control.  It's baseball, its Boston.  It's rough.  That's how it works here.  We are not so touchy-sensitive are we...

"I'm sorry...it was a bad move I made..."

Bobby Jenks...I am NOT talking to you after you wrecked Joe Derive's car at the parking lot.

"I didn't wreck your car Joe...did I?"

Well, ya didn't, but if ya did...I'd be upset, but since ya didn't...STOP apologizing.

"Sorry..."

Don't say I'm sorry...and don't say I'm sorry to I'm sorry.

"Sorry."

I'm Joe Derive...sorry but I'm going to bed now.    I'll have my retraction tomorrow for saying I'm sorry when I meant to say I'm very sorry.  Just kidding.

The News from Florida.

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.  A lot has been happening in Florida -- some of it actually good.  With two pitches and an arm that gave up five runs, Daniel Bard says he's ready.

"Take away the five runs and this is a great performance.  I am the KING!"

OK, Daniel, that's like saying, take away the accidental explosion of the power plant and it was a complete success.  Can you say delusion?


Speaking of self-inflicted delusion, Bobby Jenks, everybody's favorite fall guy was arrested after smashing into two cars, getting drunk and leaving the scene of the accident.  Bobby said he was sorry.


"I'm sorry."

I said you were SORRY

"Oh ya, I'm really sorry.  That was bad.  "

Much better.  OK Bobby didn't quite exemplify himself in the eyes of management and all eyes are now desperate for Dice-K to return.  Did you ever imagine that one?  I said it again, everyone wants Dice-K to return.

"I really want to say again Joe, I'm sorry but I can't discuss an ongoing case..."

We got it Bobby Jenks OK.  I've moved on.

"Sorry."

Stop saying you're sorry OK!

"Sorry."

Anyway, other news includes that the Sox haven't won a spring training game in so long they look like the 67 Mets.  I mean the problem is they have no pitching.

'Our pitching is just great mainly because of me, Daniel Bard.  Take away my bad starts and my lack of three pitches and I'm the best arm on the team.  I want to be a starter.  It's less work."

OK will you guys please stop interrupting me. 

"Sorry."

Bobby, stop saying I'm sorry.  Can't you say anything else!

"I would but because of the ongoing case, I'm prohibited..."

Blah, blah, blah.  I'm Joe Derive.

"Hey I'd say something but since this its not an ongoing case..."

I'M JOE...help me.