John Henry Addresses Concerns

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.  We're here at Fenway Park in Boston prepping for the home opener.  John Henry is about to walk on stage and thanks to my trusty helper, he's carrying a secret voice recorder so we can hear everything he's saying.  Hee, hee.  Hope he doesn't find out.  Oh here comes John Henry now)


"Welcome.  I'm so glad to be here.  Questions!"

(I'm first)
Mr Henry, due to the 1 and 5 record of the team going into Fenway, what things can the organization do to turn things around.

"1 and 5?  That's not possible.  I just came from England and they're doing great...you know like Tony The Tiger...GRRREAT!  I love that cereal.  It's part of a complete breakfast."

(OK, the crowd looks confused.)

No, Mr. Henry, The Red Sox!

(Henry starts to laugh and pulls up his pant legs to show us his socks.)

"No, I'm wearing black socks today.  I would never wear red socks.  Ha, ha."

(OK, I'm groaning folks)
Mr. Henry.  The team...the Red Sox...you know...don't you?

"Oh, right..well...wait...we're 1 and 5????  Ben told me we were 6 and 0...excuse me!"

(I watch John Henry walk over to Ben Cherington.  I turn on the hidden microphone)

(John -> Ben)
"Are you telling me, my team, is [bleep] 1 and 5?"
"Ah, yes, sir...sir."

(John then walks back to the microphone)
"Well, that's a little problem but I have complete confidence that with a closer like Jonathan Papelbon and a manager like Terry Francona, I'm not worried at all."

(There is an amazing silence in the crowd.  John's eyes widen.  He walks back to Ben.  This time his pace is a lot faster. I turn on the microphone)
"Sir...ah...we felt with all the closers out there, we didn't need overpriced Papelbon...and we fired Francona...you know."
'[bleep], no wonder he kept calling me.  OK...wait we got rid of Papelbon.  Who took his place???"
'Andrew Bailey sir.'
'Brittle Bailey.  Are you telling me you got Brittle Bailey.  Thank goodness he's not on the DL.'

(John walks back to the microphone.  His teeth are grinding.)
"Sorry about the wait folks.  First, we are so sad to see Terry Francona go and Papelbon but we are so excited about Andrew Bailey taking over..."

(John pauses as if some sort of realization hits him.  He then walks back to Ben who is screaming in the background.  Ben whispers in John's ear.  We can't here what he's saying)
"Oh for the love of mercy!"

(John walks back to the microphone)
"Well, I see Andrew is hurt...again.  Fortunately we have Daniel Bard as a closer..."

(We hear screaming in the background.  It's Ben Cherington.  John then walks back to a screaming Ben.  We turn on the microphone)
'You made him a starter...with two [bleep] pitches...Melanon is the closer?  That dolt can't strike out a blind camel."

(John walks down to the podium.  He waves his hands and laughs)
"We are very excited about our prospects.  Daniel will make a great starter.  Who needs an effective closer when we have such talent in the bullpen....ah...can we talk about Liverpool now?

(I raise my hand)
"John, how do you feel about Bobby Valentine as manager?"

(John's eyes squint and his face looks like he dropped a lead brick on his foot.  John walks back to Cherington)
"Mellanon is the closer.  Valentine is the manager.  Bailey is on the DL.  This is a disaster.  We're ruined."

(John walks back to the podium all smiles.)
"And we're really excited about the energy that Bobby Valentine can bring...questions?

(I raise my hand)
"Do you see Carl Crawford returning by the All Star break?"

(John mouths a swear than walks over to Ben.  Ben bows down after John slugs him in the stomach.  Ben is crying in pain.  John is wincing from the punch.)

(John walks over to the podium)
"Sorry, Ben is suffering from stomach problems.  Yes, I can see Carl Crawford coming back by then.  It's not like he has a wrist injury right?"

(John stares at the crowd.  His smile fades.  He walks back to Ben.  He head butts Ben and walks back to the stage)

"Here I am angry and realize that Bobby Jenks can also be closer.  "

(We all stare blankly.  John looks up at the sky.  We can hear a scream barely come out of his mouth.  John then walks back to Ben.  He pulls on Ben's hair and whispers in his ear.  He then kicks Ben in the ribs.  He grabs the nearest chair and throws it off stage.  He kicks Ben over and over again in the ribs.  )


(John is back on stage with a great smile on his face but his teeth don't move at all.)
"Oh, I see Bobby's been arrested for a DUI, hit and run, etc., etc.  Wow, but I'm not worried folks because we have tremendous talent on the team. Not Papelbon and I'm sure Jacobe will run for the hills but oh I'm sure we overpaid for David Ortiz.  I know we did.  You know, I want Ben to know that I hold him entirely responsible for this team and I want him to know that if this team fails it will be on his shoulders and ribs and back and feet and hands and jaw and teeth.  "

(I'm Joe Derive)