Bard Requests New Hat

Hi, I'm Joe Derive:

Daniel Bard sat down with me for a few minutes about being a starter for the first time in history.  He's excited.

"I deserve it.  I'm the best and Ben Cherington says so.  Sure, right now, I'm awful but if you ignore my pathetic record, I'm the Ace of the team already.  I'm mostly sure that two...or three years down the road, I'm gonna be great...but if I'm not, Ben is so in love with my intelligence and good looks that he has framed photos of me in the office.  I've never seen it myself.  He never invites me to his office and never tells me how many there are.  I wonder why. "

Bard surprised me with his confidence and frank stupidity all at the same time.  I asked him his expectations for tonight.

"Ben said to me that I'd have to give up fifty runs a game just to have concern over my great looks and talent.  Heck, I can throw underhanded and they'll keep me in the lineup.  I mean, other, inferior pitchers, go to Pawtucket to get their skill set updated for a transition like this, but I'm just too amazing and awe inspiring for such treatment...and I'm incredibly intelligent as well. Did I mention Ben said to me that my eyes are the most beautiful he's ever seen...do you know what did he mean by that?"

After a long pause, I asked him what about Bobby Valentine and his expectations.

'Bobby is small fries.  Ben told me so.  He didn't even want him as manager.  He said if I retired he'd have me as manager.  Already we hang out together.  He bought me several suits, a car and a special motel suite that he says we can hang out together and watch movies.  I've been too busy admiring myself to go but Ben insists that it be soon. He just can't stand not being around me.  I mean, how can you turn a guy down who says he loves my talent with a big emphasis on 'love.'

I asked what would happen if he blew games every time.

'Ben says I'm a work in progress and he will get me into position to be a killer pitcher...and if not he'll make me a manager.  Ben says that he will not let me leave this team at any cost. We talk every night on the phone about my program, my abilities, my great intelligence and my amazing chest hairs.  I tell ya, he and I connect so well and he says he wants me to have an intimate connection with him on many levels.  I wonder what he meant by that. '

I really had no question after that.  I just wanted to wash some images out of my head but Bard wouldn't shut up.

 "I mean, Ben told me the other day, I could play Thor in the Avengers movie or any movie I want.  I like Ben a lot. "

I'm Joe Derive.  I need a drink.