Britain's Brittle Bailey Denies Rumors His First Name is Beetle

Britain's Brittle Beetle Bailey has stated for the record that his first name is NOT Beetle but Andrew.  Despite that, rumors persist forcing him to hold a press conference.  Here is the transcript.  Please note corrections to Beetle Bailey speak are in brackets [].

"First of all, my name is not Brittle.  I am not Brittle nor is my first name Beetle and I am not tied into with comic strip Beetle Bailey so please stop [the] lawsuits OK.  Beetle is dumber [dumb] but I'm smartful [smart].  I also want to add I am not from Britain.  Everyone knows Britain is in France [actually England] and I was never in France.  Come on guys, this is kinda hurtful ya know...just like when I stepped on an eraser this morning and broke two bones in my foot.  Gee."

After the jaw-dropping opening statement a series of questions were asked:

Brittle:  Do you think you can continue considering your perpensity for injuries!

"Come on guys...ah what's perpensity?  What does that mean?"

Brittle:  Can you play despite injuries.

"Once my foot and thumber [thumb] are healed I'll be fine.  We're still wait and see on my seperator [dislocated] shoulder but hey, I never thought opening a door would be a problem but things happen."

Brittle:Sir. how was your time with Sergeant Snorkel and does he still do hilarious antics.

"OK, once again my first name is not Beetle its Brittle...I mean Andrew.  Now ya got me doing it.  Come on guys, I never was in the army.  Beetle Bailey was started before I was born...I think [Beetle Bailey started in 1950 by Mort Walker so he got one right].  I'm a smarterer [smarter] guy than Beetle.  Man...my hips hurt.  If I sit down too long my hiplet [hip or pelvis is acceptable] bones [bone since there is only one hip bone] develops crackers [what they're edible???].  Excuse me. I have to stand up."

Brittle:  Brittle Beetle, do you feel you are going to be an effective closer for the Red Sox?

"OK that's really hurtsome [hurtful].  I mean...I am an good [effective] pitcher and when I get back after my thumb, shoulder, foot and hip heel [heal not heel] I will be effectiveer [effective].  The Red Sox have history of getting healthier [healthy] players like Jenks and Lackey and Dice-K and Drew. and Smotz and Penny and oh ya that's not betterer [better] example. Wow...no wonder they wanted me.  Hey listen guys I gotta go.  If I stand up too long my Fender bone [Femur we're guessing] and my hubcap [have no idea there] bones start to bend and break.  See ya."

I'm Joe Derive