Red Sox Open New Trauma Clinic for Tired Fans

Today, the Boston Red Sox opened up a new Trauma Clinic, called the Buckner Clinic, located in LiverPool England.  The Clinic was an expensive project but Sox President John Henry said it was very necessary.

"We wanted to open it up when the Sox lost their first game.  We were hoping for two or three games into the season but now is as good a time as any -- since the Sox played one game and lost it.  I just can't remember the last time this club won a game...oh well, I have a LiverPool match to attend. "

Henry was not available for comment but invited the press for a tour.   He said his theme, in addition to providing extensive counseling, was to get fans to appreciate what its like to be a Red Sox player.  But before the tour, be sure to stay in the J.D. Drew hotel just south of the hotel.  Here fans, like the retired outfielder himself, can enjoy downtime without actually doing anything and can enjoy major dizzy spells while taking the spinning elevator.  We tried it ourselves and suffered major vertigo but were frustrated we didn't have back or neck problems.  We really wanted to feel like J.D. Drew.

Once inside though fans can enjoy the Dice-K workout center.  So far the test fans seem to enjoy getting endless shoulder and back injuries like the famous pitcher and really like that feeling of being part of the team. Fans could even go on the virtual disabled list and play the DL game for fun.

Fans need not distress though for they can play on the Julio Lugo tennis courts.  The courts themselves are designed so the ball is always missed by the racket -- just like Julio Lugo did on the team.  Many fans called it so exciting.  The key was to create a slick surface so fans could slip and slide all over the place in hilarious fashion just like Lugo did! 

After dinner fans can enjoy the Bobby Jenks bar and grill.  Fans can enjoy getting majorly smashed and then can drive demolition derby cars at each other in the demolition derby arena.  While driving around smashing other cars, you'll here some of Bobby's more hilarious comments trying to convince everyone he's sorry for what he did to the team.  You can't hear it with a straight face!

Finally, you'll get great counseling as well from former Red Sox players like Tim Wakefield, Jason Varitek and others as they talk about their experiences on the team and if that isn't enough fans can watch game 6 of the 1986 World Series played on IMAX with surround sound and in 3D to give the fans that uplifting experience.  During the collapse of Bob Stanley, the sound is actually increased and even more screaming Mets fans can be heard. 

So join up today.  Total cost is about twenty five thousand dollars and does not cover travel expenses.

I'm Joe Derive.