Anybody have a bucket???

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.  Just some...random thoughts here.

Cody Ross says Sox have problems winning at home:

(translation)
Sox do just fine with teams that can't hit and pitch and field and so far the pickings are slim with just the Twins (worst team in baseball) that can qualify as bad enough for the Sox to win against. 

Bobby Valentine says Sox are doing well despite his mistakes.

(translation)
Bobby is wondering how long it will be before he gets out of this nightmare and can go back to the broadcast booth where he can blabber about how bad the managers are without having to actually back that up with actual data.   He seems more comfortable with that.

Bobby Valentine says Gonsalez is tired and that's why he's not hitting well.

(translation)
He's trying to find an excuse to explain how a $143 million dollar superstar can play like a AAA player.  So far this is the best that he's got but he's working on better delusional statements.  Give him time.  He's rusty.

Salty is doing just fine as a catcher.

(translation)
Bobby hasn't said it but I'm sure he realizes that Salty is yet another selection from the Theo Epstein School of Madness.  What's even worse is he isn't getting injured.  That would give us the excuse to get Laraway up to the majors. He can't be any worse than Shoppach who can't hit a ball if its on a tee.

Carl Crawford is going to play again

(translation)
First he lied about his wrist then he got a ligament injury.  Carl of course will play again after his contract expires, until then this is yet another reason why Scott Boras is so good at his job and Theo Epstein is not.  Scott could sell flood insurance in the Saudi Arabian desert and Theo would come back for seconds.

This is one solid outfield

(translation)
This outfield would be just great for a Saturday afternoon Softball game.  So far they can't field, they can't hit consistently and they are streaky.  (That just means they are AAA talent by the way).  No worries though, I'm sure Ben Cherington will keep em' coming for the fans to delight in even though the pitching staff squirms at any ball hit into the outfield wondering what Indiana Jones adventure awaits. 

 Bailey will be back

(translation)
Looks like the A's are really enjoying a healthy Josh Reddick who's hitting and fielding like the star he is.  He gets clutch hits and plays the right field hard.  Bailey is playing the DL hard watching reruns of the Golden Girls.  He's a big Betty White fan. 

I'm Joe Derive.

Red Sox Offer DL Fun Cruise

In an exciting move, the Red Sox offer a DL or Disabled List cruise including an ocean liner guaranteed to sink like the Red Sox in the loss column.  Special guests include:

Carl Crawford:
Carl is excited to be joining this cruise this year as he will demonstrate various injury techniques such as oblique tears, rotator cuff tears as well as various thumb and knee and shoulder injuries including his latest while changing his shirt.  Carl says fans need not worry about him financially as he makes more money than most people make in 140 lifetimes.

Andrew Bailey:
Andrew is very excited to be joining this cruise but admits that he's frustrated about his poor contract offering.  Still, he says he's learned a lot from Carl Crawford about how to collect a big fat paycheck and still get great free headphones.

John Lackey:
What John lacks in presentation, he more than makes up for in attitude.  John will hold some shock radio courses about how to swear, play badly and still make a heap of money. 

Jacobe Ellsbury:
New to the front, Jacobe is a bit nervous as Scott Boras told him that he needs to avoid the injuries until he gets his 10 year $560 million dollar contract from some sucker out there.  Jacobe says he plays hard and doesn't understand why you would purposely get injured but adds that J.D. Drew did make it an art.

Dice-K
Dice-K, who spent more time on the DL than off of it missing an entire two years and then some from his six year contract says he love America, the Red Sox and his big fat paycheck.  Only in America do you get paid to do nothing and not even get fired for it. 

J.D. Drew
J.D. spent the last year of his contract on the DL and most of it in between.  He loves the Red Sox and calls it the Prune Juice club of paychecks.  He wishes he had signed an even larger contract with the Sox.

So fans of baseball join us this year on this glorious ocean liner as it sinks into the ocean with the great Red Sox contracts of Theo Epstein.

Red Sox offer DISCOUNTS

This just in, Red Sox management wants to make you feel at home at Fenway Park. Here are some added bonuses.

1) Free beer if the Sox are down by at least four runs.  If they are down by eight, free morphine injections.

2) Free seating for the next game if the Sox actually win a game against a team better than the Seattle Mariners.

3) Free jersey worn by any pitcher who can win a game.

4) Free jersey worn by any pitcher that doesn't blow the game.

5) Free psychologists available for any fan having a nervous breakdown.  Please reserve as they are heavily tied up in helping Bobby Valentine cope with the game.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Last night the Sox lost 18 - 3.  Here is what Bobby said about Jon Lester who gave up over 7 runs in two innings. 

"I thought Jon [Lester, yes the one that pitched last night] had great stuff tonight, down and away. They were fouling some tough pitches off. Jon just kept battling..." -- Bobby V, forgetting once again to take his medication



Hi, I'm Joe Derive at Arnie's chowing on some beer with Bobby Valentine.  Arnie, as you know is a long time restaurant owner serving the best food in town and beer too.  Course, I haven't had mine because Bobby is now on beer number 14.  I regret his morning headache.

[Bobby]
 "Hey...Joe...how can you [burp] eat...beer."

Ah, you're drunk again.  So Bobby, any wise words after last night's disaster.


[Bobby]
 "Ah...don't put...[burp]...foot...in...mouthtttttthhhh'

Ya, that works.  Hey after last night's 18 - 3 loss, do you feel like the Sox are still a contender.

[Bobby]
"I...feel...like...I want...my...job...back....as [burp]...PSN...or something..."

Can't blame you there.  Do you think you feel like the Sox can turn it around.


[Bobby]
 "I...believer...I just said that answer...[burp][fart][burp] Joey..."


[Arnie]
Are you guys done yet.  I'm gonna close!


[Bobby]
 "Oh...hi...Arnie...[burp]...me...sick [burp]"


[Arnie]
Man I miss the days of Terry Francona.  He had class when he became a stupid burping drunk.


[Bobby]
 "I [burp]...thought...hu?"


[Arnie]
I rest my case.

Well, anyway folks, we have Beckett today to look forward to. He should be great tonight and...ah who am I kidding.  Bring on the Seattle Mariners or somebody the Sox can take on and win.


[Bobby]
'Ha...not with Melonhead on the [burp] mound.  '


[Arnie]
'Don't blame Melonhead.  Everybody contributed to that disaster.  Look at Lester and Cody Ross and Aveles and poor Kevin Youk.  You guys were all hurting.


[Bobby]
'I thought Lester was...solid...really tough pitcher...just...[burp][burp]...ah he stunk ."


[Arnie]
He's not the only one.  When's the last time you showered Bobby?


[Bobby]
Ah....[burp]...ah....


[Arnie]
Don't answer that.  


I'm Joe Derive.

Sox headlines

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and these are the headlines.

Bobby Valentine welcomes 14 and counting runs from Rangers to distract from Youkilis comment.

Kevin Youkilis welcomes ANY win to distract from Kevin Youkilis.


Mark Melanson welcomes not being in games to aid in reducing his 49.90 ERA.  Says 6 runs in an inning didn't feel too good.

Ben Cherington has new bumper sticker: "I told ya not to hire Valentine.  That was not a Sveum idea! Get it...Get it?'  It's a large bumper sticker by the way.

Theo Epstein says he welcomes facing Red Sox to distract fans from what a disaster he is as the Chicago Cubs General Manager.

Terry Francona says he sees huge difference in team under Bobby Valentine.  Says Valentine's stupid comments help ease team pressure from continuous and consistent losing. 


John Henry says Liverpool Reds are going to have a great season. Looks forward to watching all the games.  Says England is a nice place to live.

Dustin Pedroia looking forward to joining the Yankees where its quiet and less stressful.

Red Sox welcome 16 run blowout as its better than 18 runs.

Bobby V and Youk

Hi, I'm Joe Derive.  You know, Boston is a media hungry town and a little slipup will really cost you.  Consider these past few days.  Bobby Valentine said essentially that Kevin Youkilis's heart was not in the game.

"I don't think he's as physically or emotionally into the game as he has been in the past for some reason," said Valentine

Bobby was then confronted about it when Youk showed up in his office and Bobby asked him about his groin.  Ya, how uncomfortable is that question.

"Kevin came in this morning and I thought it was about his groin,'' Valentine said. "I thought he was going to tell me how his groin was, and I said, `Hey, how’s the groin?’ and he said, 'Well, all right, but what’s going on?'

You know you have problems when he asked about your GROIN.  I mean...that's bad.  Then Dustin Pedroia said this:

"I don't know what Bobby's trying to do, but that's not the way we do things here," said Pedroia. "Maybe that stuff works in Japan."

But things got worse from there.  Bobby Valentine then said that he didn't like the fact that Kevin added mustard to his potatoes.

"I know he likes baked potatoes but mustard is not something I personally would add to my potatoes. "

Things flew to a head when Dustin said this.

"He thinks he knows anything about eating habits? How about the fact that he likes to fry his bananas and then add chocolate sauce.  Maybe they do that in Japan but here we peal our bananas and eat them raw and we like it that way."

Oh but it gets worse from there when Bobby apologized.

"I feel bad about this...I really do.  I didn't meant to comment that I didn't like Kevin's choice in food.  I hope he accepts my sincere apology.  Youk is an intense player with a bad haircut.  I recommended my barber to him.  I just want him to go out and win and get a better haircut."

Needless to say, Dustin had this to say.

"I don't know what Bobby's trying to do, but that's not the way we do things here," said Pedroia. "Maybe that stuff works in Japan but not here."

Kevin had this to say.

"Ah...whatever...can we move on folks...I mean...really this is getting old."

 Things sailed to a head when Bobby said this.

"I like Kevin.  I like his groin.  I do."

Dustin had this to say.

"Whatever Bobby is feeling for Kevin is just not the way we do things here.  Maybe groin liking is something that works in Japan but not here. "

Kevin had this to say.

"He likes my...groin?  He adds mustard to potatoes...he eats fried bananas and he talks about me.  Hey, you guys aren't just writing about this stuff to fire up an argument are you for media attention are you?"

I'm Joe Derive and we have no comment on that one.

John Henry says He's Sorry

I'm Joe Derive.  Yesterday John Henry made an utter fool of himself in front of the Boston Media.  Today he wants to apologize...oh here he comes now.

"Fellow fans of the game.  I just want you to know that I am working very hard to change the heart of this team.  This team is going to win on Saturday and I say root for LiverPool!"

OK, maybe  not.

"I also want to apologize to Terry Francona for his mistreatment.  "

OK, this is good.

"Dear Fill-in-the-blank.  We are very sorry for your struggles at Fill-In-Sports-Team-here.  We wish you well into the future. "

OK, this is pathetic. 

"I also want to say of Bobby Valentine.

"Dear Fill-In-The-Blank.  We are very happy to have you on Fill-In-Sports-Team-here.  We wish you well into the future.  "

He's using a form letter and the man doesn't realize its a form letter.

"Hey, does anyone know who Fill-in-The-Blank is?  I mean that's an odd nickmane for anyone. Did I buy a new Sports team?  Help me out here. "

I can't and I'm Joe Derive.