John Henry sat around the conference table. Along with Larry Lucchino and general manager Ben Cherington there were bowls of breads and cheeses, wines of different varieties and steaming bowls of wild rice. There were sandwiches and fresh fruit and all sorts of chocolates. Instead of eating though, they sat around and watched the clock listening to the ticking sound. John especially liked to tap his fingers in rhythm to the ticking sound of the clock. For some reason Larry gripped his fist all the more tight as time went on.
"I need to get to Liverpool, "said John Henry. "I have important work managing my investment. Deciding things like a manager can wait since Red Sox fans will love the game no matter how stupid we are. Ha, I didn't say that on the air did I? I hate sounding dumb like when I said we shouldn't have signed Crawford. That really made me look stupid didn't it."
"I say Valentine, "shouted Larry ignoring John's rants.
"I say Julio Lugo, "screamed Ben.
"I say Tea, Earl Gray, hot, "said John Henry.
The two looked at Henry.
"Look we all need a manager at some point but who cares. We can function without one. Heck its just a waste of money. I think we have more pressing matters like if we sign Papelbon or not, "said John.
"He signed with the Phillies, "said Larry growling every sound out while starring down Ben Cherington.
"Oh, well how about we get a new pitching coach and a hitting coach and third base coach and a..."
"We can't seem to even decide what color carpet we should have in this room, "growled Larry.
"Red..."
"Blue..." shouted Larry.
"I think I'd like some nice wireless stereo headphones for my trip to England, "said John Henry.
"Red..."
"Blue..." shouted Larry.
"Did you guys see last week's Liverpool match. That was quite exciting considering I fell asleep."
Just then Julio Lugo walked in and sat on the floor -- mainly because he failed to sit on the chair miscalculating the distance between chair and body. It was a common misstep.
"Look, Lugo is perfect. He runs a great radio show and he's smart-ful-er about baseball, "shouted Ben.
"He's an idiot, "growled Larry. "And he's not the only one in the room!"
"Look guys, I'm ready to take charge. Just let me mange these guys to a SuperBowl or whatever you call the big...ah...thing...you win...World Playoff?" said Lugo.
"And this is your best choice, "shouted Ben!
"I need an nap, "sighed John with a slight smile. "The Earl Gray tea can wait..."
"I am sick to death of your obsession with tea and sleep John. The Sox are collapsing and all you can do is fly to LiverPool and drink tea. Don't you get it...Cherington is an IDIOT."
"I resent that, don't you Lugo?"
"Absolutely, "said Lugo who spilled the cup of water in front of him while reaching for it. Lugo had bad hand/eye coordination. "I feel we need real leaders who lead and bring in titles and rings and notebooks with rings...hey get it...ringed notebooks?" laughed Lugo.
"That's funny, "said Ben.
"That's stupid, "said Larry.
"Did anyone ever save the crew of Gilligan's Island. I really hope they got off that island and head off to my Liverpool match, "said John Henry.
"We need Valentine, "shouted Larry.
"Lugo, "screamed Ben.
Lugo who leaned back in his chair watched the ceiling form as his entire body crashed on the floor.
"That's some nice ceiling tile John..."
'Wow Lugo, you really think so. I think I do like you as a manager. You can start right away!"
"I quit, "screamed Larry.
"I'm successfuller, "said Ben.
"OK now off to Liverpool. I have a game to catch."
"Bye John, "shouted Ben.
"Bye John, "said Lugo.
"Go to @$#$ " cursed Larry.
John paused and thought about something. A small layer of smoke rose above his hair. "I feel like I should say something...but I have Liverpool to worry about. Bye!"
John walked out and so did Larry but Lugo and Ben stood around and ate food thinking about things like how to get Gilligan off the Island or how to save the Lost In Space ship. Nothing about baseball was ever discussed.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Dan Cherington's Press Conference
Hi, I'm Joe Derive and I couldn't believe that they rehired me -- and just in time for Dan Cherington's press conference. Oh, here he comes now!
"Hi everyone. I am so excited to be here. You know starring at a computer screen for SOOO many years makes a man hungry for a beer. Anyway, ask away because I am the new face of the Red Sox."
I have to say this was not a good start.
"Mr. Cherington, could you comment on why Jonathan Papelbon wasn't even given an offer by the Sox? I mean this is a premiere closer."
Dan leans back.
"You know, my daddy used to say to me...son...do you ever feel that your lack of brains slows you down in life?"
Dan leans forward.
"I am the Red Sox CEO and other things and the last thing I am going to do is sign a closer when there are so many out there. I mean closers are a dime-a-dozen. Look at 2007 when Eric Gagne won us a World Series or when Roger Clemens won the 1875 World Series. Don't you worry."
I have to say that Dan is making me wish for Theo's return.
"Dan, do you think the Red Sox will have a manager soon!"
"Glad you asked that. I mean we were all set for the third base coach. As my father used to say -- 'son, sometimes a fish is best observed underwater...and I have no idea what he meant by that.' Anyway, he was a great choice as we spoke the same language. We knew that ten plus ten is twenty five. Anyway, John Henry suggested I drive my car into a tree...which I took meant he wanted another choice for manager. "
"Dan, what about Tim Wakefield? Will you sign him?"
"Well, I gotta tell ya. Everyone here loves Tim Wakefield and he needs to know right away he's a washout...I mean what his role is-- if any -- which isn't much of a role. So like as my father used to say -- 'son, when you bake a cake, use a pan and not a bowl and break a few eggs and toss some of that in there until you're sure its cooled off...and I have no idea what he meant by that."
"Dan, what about Theo Epstein. Why did the Red Sox let him go and then deal with bargaining talks...and don't tell us about your father."
Dan leans back.
"I gotta tell ya, that was really dumb of me to suggest that. What was I thinking. It's like my father used to say -- 'son, when you drive your car always remember that its you and not the other drivers that determine their destiny because destiny is like a duck swimming on water and not like a whale eating fish. I have no idea what I mean by that son.' So that should sum it up...hey you guys like country music."
Dan pulled out his guitar despite our screams.
When I was a young boy,
and my Daddy held my hand,
He told me what was right and wrong,
and he told me what was bad,
Then one day he told me that,
Sometimes things go wrong,
But just remember that things don't get no right
La, la, la la la, la la la la la
When I grew up I found my stake of life,
It was a really nice steak that I broiled by the fire,
I wish she was near me so we could make our love,
Then by then the steak would be cooked,
and I'd add some onions too,
I fell like the harmonica,
is marinating my heart,
La la la la la la la la la
"Next question please..."
Like I said everyone, I really miss Theo Epstein all of a sudden.
"Hi everyone. I am so excited to be here. You know starring at a computer screen for SOOO many years makes a man hungry for a beer. Anyway, ask away because I am the new face of the Red Sox."
I have to say this was not a good start.
"Mr. Cherington, could you comment on why Jonathan Papelbon wasn't even given an offer by the Sox? I mean this is a premiere closer."
Dan leans back.
"You know, my daddy used to say to me...son...do you ever feel that your lack of brains slows you down in life?"
Dan leans forward.
"I am the Red Sox CEO and other things and the last thing I am going to do is sign a closer when there are so many out there. I mean closers are a dime-a-dozen. Look at 2007 when Eric Gagne won us a World Series or when Roger Clemens won the 1875 World Series. Don't you worry."
I have to say that Dan is making me wish for Theo's return.
"Dan, do you think the Red Sox will have a manager soon!"
"Glad you asked that. I mean we were all set for the third base coach. As my father used to say -- 'son, sometimes a fish is best observed underwater...and I have no idea what he meant by that.' Anyway, he was a great choice as we spoke the same language. We knew that ten plus ten is twenty five. Anyway, John Henry suggested I drive my car into a tree...which I took meant he wanted another choice for manager. "
"Dan, what about Tim Wakefield? Will you sign him?"
"Well, I gotta tell ya. Everyone here loves Tim Wakefield and he needs to know right away he's a washout...I mean what his role is-- if any -- which isn't much of a role. So like as my father used to say -- 'son, when you bake a cake, use a pan and not a bowl and break a few eggs and toss some of that in there until you're sure its cooled off...and I have no idea what he meant by that."
"Dan, what about Theo Epstein. Why did the Red Sox let him go and then deal with bargaining talks...and don't tell us about your father."
Dan leans back.
"I gotta tell ya, that was really dumb of me to suggest that. What was I thinking. It's like my father used to say -- 'son, when you drive your car always remember that its you and not the other drivers that determine their destiny because destiny is like a duck swimming on water and not like a whale eating fish. I have no idea what I mean by that son.' So that should sum it up...hey you guys like country music."
Dan pulled out his guitar despite our screams.
When I was a young boy,
and my Daddy held my hand,
He told me what was right and wrong,
and he told me what was bad,
Then one day he told me that,
Sometimes things go wrong,
But just remember that things don't get no right
La, la, la la la, la la la la la
When I grew up I found my stake of life,
It was a really nice steak that I broiled by the fire,
I wish she was near me so we could make our love,
Then by then the steak would be cooked,
and I'd add some onions too,
I fell like the harmonica,
is marinating my heart,
La la la la la la la la la
"Next question please..."
Like I said everyone, I really miss Theo Epstein all of a sudden.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Theo's Press Conference
Theo Epstein sat on the brink of power resting against the boardroom table examining his staff. He had Arnie, his cook, Ellen, his player advisor, Andrew, his lawyer, Garry his baseball consultant, and Greg his history consultant.
"OK, what we need for the first press conference..."
"Get Mike Lowell for a manager, "shouted Ellen.
Theo, who felt his headache coming back sighed.
"Ellen, Mike is doing well with a radio show. He has a bad hip. Now I am thinking instead of Eric Gagne for the closer. Cheap buy at 4.5 million per year."
Theo heard a thumping and turned to Garry.
"Calm down Garry. It's a smart move. I've used the this type of logic to bring the Red Sox to third place two years in a row for a cost of over $450 million so I know what I'm doing. "
"Mike Lowell...please. "
Theo shook his head.
"Greg, what do you think?"
'I'm a Roman historian and you're asking me? However if you want my opinion..."
"No not really...not when Julio Lugo will be the new Cubs new manager. "
"What the #$#$ " shouted everyone.
"Calm down, "said Theo. "I'm in control. When I get through the Cubs will be in at least forth place with a proud $500 million dollar budget. "
"You're insane, "shouted Gary.
"And...loving it, "smiled Theo. "Anyway, I have a press conference...thanks for the Vodka Arnie!"
"No problem, "smiled Arnie.
......... LATER............
"...Yes, I think Chicago's future is here...how...wow its getting hot in here. Is the room spinning."
'Mr. Epstein, what is your policy about drinking in the clubhouse."
"Great question. I and my Chicagut peoplers will support no more drink in the clubhouse. We feel that drink is really bad and...wow its hot in here. "
"Ah, sir, are you OK?"
"Fine, fine, fine, fine...just fine and I am fine...wow I feel good. Hey, how many Chicago Cubs does it take to change a lightburp...bulb...ah...ya, next qwestion...ha ha that's funny."
"Mr. Epstein, two questions. One what moves are the most important for you in getting Chicago back on the map and two...are you drunk?"
"Dwunk, no dwunk....ha...as far as moves I think better uniforms. I was thinking of pink and lavendar....ah...I want a donut...somebody get me a donut...hey its too hot in here. I'm taking my clothes off."
"Sir...I think the press conference is over."
"Ovah, ovah, nevah. I am the King. I'm the King of the World. I'm BATMAN. Where's Robin and the Batmobile. The Joker is in town. Beam me up Scotty..."
"Sir, get off the stage now."
"Now, I will not. They made me an offer I can't refuse. I'm Wonder Woman....ah...wow I'm roasting. Get these clothes off..."
............. LATER.........
"Andrew, I made a complete fool of myself. What do I do now?'
"Ah, as your lawyer I have only two words -- resign now."
"OK, what we need for the first press conference..."
"Get Mike Lowell for a manager, "shouted Ellen.
Theo, who felt his headache coming back sighed.
"Ellen, Mike is doing well with a radio show. He has a bad hip. Now I am thinking instead of Eric Gagne for the closer. Cheap buy at 4.5 million per year."
Theo heard a thumping and turned to Garry.
"Calm down Garry. It's a smart move. I've used the this type of logic to bring the Red Sox to third place two years in a row for a cost of over $450 million so I know what I'm doing. "
"Mike Lowell...please. "
Theo shook his head.
"Greg, what do you think?"
'I'm a Roman historian and you're asking me? However if you want my opinion..."
"No not really...not when Julio Lugo will be the new Cubs new manager. "
"What the #$#$ " shouted everyone.
"Calm down, "said Theo. "I'm in control. When I get through the Cubs will be in at least forth place with a proud $500 million dollar budget. "
"You're insane, "shouted Gary.
"And...loving it, "smiled Theo. "Anyway, I have a press conference...thanks for the Vodka Arnie!"
"No problem, "smiled Arnie.
......... LATER............
"...Yes, I think Chicago's future is here...how...wow its getting hot in here. Is the room spinning."
'Mr. Epstein, what is your policy about drinking in the clubhouse."
"Great question. I and my Chicagut peoplers will support no more drink in the clubhouse. We feel that drink is really bad and...wow its hot in here. "
"Ah, sir, are you OK?"
"Fine, fine, fine, fine...just fine and I am fine...wow I feel good. Hey, how many Chicago Cubs does it take to change a lightburp...bulb...ah...ya, next qwestion...ha ha that's funny."
"Mr. Epstein, two questions. One what moves are the most important for you in getting Chicago back on the map and two...are you drunk?"
"Dwunk, no dwunk....ha...as far as moves I think better uniforms. I was thinking of pink and lavendar....ah...I want a donut...somebody get me a donut...hey its too hot in here. I'm taking my clothes off."
"Sir...I think the press conference is over."
"Ovah, ovah, nevah. I am the King. I'm the King of the World. I'm BATMAN. Where's Robin and the Batmobile. The Joker is in town. Beam me up Scotty..."
"Sir, get off the stage now."
"Now, I will not. They made me an offer I can't refuse. I'm Wonder Woman....ah...wow I'm roasting. Get these clothes off..."
............. LATER.........
"Andrew, I made a complete fool of myself. What do I do now?'
"Ah, as your lawyer I have only two words -- resign now."
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Welcome to Chicago Theo
Thanks Arnie for this one!!!!
Theo Epstein breathed in the salty air of Lake Michigan -- until he realized it was a fresh water lake and he was inside so he couldn't smell the outside -- and sat down on the chair. He then moved the chair over to the window. The money...the money.
"Sir, you busy?"
"No Arnie, come on in. "
Arnie, the passionate cook and restaurant owner sat down with a notepad. Theo leaned against the desk and dropped his feet on the desk.
"Arnie, how is it I spent $450 million over the past three years, put the Red Sox in third place and still Chicago hires me at 18 million. "
"Well sir, the Cubs have been called the Mets of the Midwest."
"No matter, " said Theo. "What have you got for me today Arnie!"
" "Let's see, "said Arnie. "A double keg cooler, extra large, with a tap for the clubhouse and another for the dugout..."
"The beer?"
"Bud light?"
"Curses, "said Theo. "This is the Cubs. We live in style."
"Rolling Rock?"
"Much better. "
"OK, " said Arnie. "A deep fryer, a flat top grill, pizza oven. Nothing fancy, no saute' station or garde manger setup. Of course, the big expense should be and will be the hood and Ansul system, but hey, it's worth it. "
"So far so good! What's an Ansul system?"
"How did you graduate from Harvard and not know this?"
"They don't call me Elmer Epstein for nothin'."
"And you're proud of that....OK."
Arnie paused and composed himself.
"Now we're taking out the fried chicken and beer from the clubhouse and upgrading it to include some nicer dishes that reflect your good taste. So I think a nice Cubs Clubhouse Brunch is in order: Eggs Benedict, Smoked Trout and goat cheese Omelet, Clams Casino, Grape and Fennel Focaccia, Blintzes, Lox and Bagel plate..... Mimosas, Champagne and Chambord, Red Beer. Bloody Mary.........and my signature Chocolate Truffles, Key Lime Pie, Creme Brulee, heck, maybe I'll spring for Baked Alaska..."
"Arnie, I think I wet my pants."
"You can keep that to yourself Theo."
"OK."
Just then Lugo walked in and started to plaster Red Sox wallpaper on the windows."
"Good job Lugo."
"Yes sir."
Arnie shook his head in confusion and Theo laughed.
"Why Arnie, what confuses you about me."
"That would take to long to explain and my $2 million dollar salary isn't enough to make me explain it. "
"Suit yourself -- get it...suit yourself?"
"Not really?"
Theo got up and walked to the window before slamming into it.
"Dammit Lugo. I can't tell when I hit a window unless you paper it with Red Sox wallpaper. Hurry up."
"Sorry boss...trying my best."
"I heard, "said Arnie, "that you're making Drew the team doctor. Good choice."
"Yes, "said Theo. "Drew knows more about ailments than anyone else. Vertigo, pulled muscles, spasms, bad teeth and hairstyles, broken fingernails, cuts bruises, back problems -- his specialty by the way. I am sure that within a few weeks the DL will be filled with his patients. I just hope Chicago has deep pockets...ha.ha.ha..ha.'
Arnie shook his head as the hysterical laughter of Theo filled the room.
"OK, enough of that. I've appointed Gagne as team manager and John Lackey -- if I can convince Chicago of this -- to be the pitching coach. Yes Arnie, the great ruler of baseball will take Chicago and put them in the World Series as victors next year. Yes I will."
"Seriously???"
"Na, "said Theo. "They'll be lucky if they get into fourth place for the next ten years. "
"Whew, "said Arnie. "You were scaring me for a second there."
"OK that will be it for now. Have a good day Arnie."
"You too Theo."
Arnie walked out as Theo felt wet wallpaper stick to his back.
"The window Lugnuts, the window."
"Not the computer you idiot. I'm not talking Windows, I'm talking the Window."
"Yes sir."
Theo shook his head and wiped the wallpaper paste off his back. He sat down and fell asleep.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
John Henry and the Kitty
John Henry, drained and beaten, after a long day at work, plodded into his house and crashed on the couch. He only moved when he saw the strange fury creature stroll past him.
"Honey, is that a cat?"
"A gift from Tito John. Wasn't that nice? After all he does consider us family. Isn't she sweet? Look at that gorgeous gray hair. "
"Yes, "said John who watched as the cat scampered away as he reached to pet her.
"Tito said,
Dear John. After all you did for me, this is the least I can do for you. Ten minutes with this cat will change you forever. Love Tito"
John got up and tried to follow the cat sat at the door.
MEOWWWWWWWWWW
John almost fell to the floor. His ears rang with pain. "Oh s-t, "cried John. "That is the worst whine I've ever heard in a cat. I think I'm gonna be sick."
MEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
"John, relax...I think it just wants to go out. Open the door."
John reacted and pushed the door open against the cold New England night and watched as the cat run out.
Kitty ran out.
"John, that whine...I never heard something so revolting. "
John rubbed his ears trying to get feeling back in them.
"Agony dear. Just agony."
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"
"John I think the cat wants to come back in."
"Don't let him. He'll just whine again!"
"MEWWWWWWWWWWWW...MEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW"
"John open the door while we have time!"
John opened the door and felt the blast of New England Air blow past him. He watched the cat run past him.
Kitty ran in.
"MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"John he wants to go out the front door now. Hurry..."
John ran frantically to the front door crashing into walls and smashing a lamp.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
He ran to the door.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
He ripped the door open.
Kitty went out.
"John, I can't bear that cat. No matter how beautiful it looks...beer, let's get him beer."
"We can't. If the press catches me with beer they'll tear me in two."
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"John, he can't possibly want to come in again. He's only been out a minute. "
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in
The cat ran past him and to the back door.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"Oh my goodness John. All it does is go in and out."
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"Out...have to let him out, "cried John.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went out
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went out
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went out.
Hour after hour this continued with endless whining. Later that night as the family rested in bed, John was red eyed and blurry with confusion. His wife sat next to him meowing lightly. The clock was 2:32 am.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in (2:33 am)
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went out (2:40 am)
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in (2:45 am)
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in (3:00 am)
"John we have to do something...while my mind can function."
"Yes, kill the cat!"
"John no...the press. Think of the press. "
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in (3:o5 am)
...
The next morning John picked up the phone. He could barely talk.
"John Tito here...how's that cat working out for you?"
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in.
John hung up the phone.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went out. John collapsed on the floor.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
John crawled to the door. He smashed it and let the air blow in. The cat stood there and whined. John grabbed the cat and pushed it outside. Now the cat whined continuously as it went in and out the door.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty go in, Kitty go out, Kitty go in. Kitty go out. Kitty go in. Kitty go out.
It was only then that John collapsed and fell asleep.
TWO DAYS LATER
John Lackey rested on his couch and drank a beer while chowing on fried chicken.
"Honey look. A gift from John Henry...a cat."
John smiled and said, "well, I guess John Henry loves me after all.'
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
THE END
"Honey, is that a cat?"
"A gift from Tito John. Wasn't that nice? After all he does consider us family. Isn't she sweet? Look at that gorgeous gray hair. "
"Yes, "said John who watched as the cat scampered away as he reached to pet her.
"Tito said,
Dear John. After all you did for me, this is the least I can do for you. Ten minutes with this cat will change you forever. Love Tito"
John got up and tried to follow the cat sat at the door.
MEOWWWWWWWWWW
John almost fell to the floor. His ears rang with pain. "Oh s-t, "cried John. "That is the worst whine I've ever heard in a cat. I think I'm gonna be sick."
MEOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
"John, relax...I think it just wants to go out. Open the door."
John reacted and pushed the door open against the cold New England night and watched as the cat run out.
Kitty ran out.
"John, that whine...I never heard something so revolting. "
John rubbed his ears trying to get feeling back in them.
"Agony dear. Just agony."
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"
"John I think the cat wants to come back in."
"Don't let him. He'll just whine again!"
"MEWWWWWWWWWWWW...MEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW"
"John open the door while we have time!"
John opened the door and felt the blast of New England Air blow past him. He watched the cat run past him.
Kitty ran in.
"MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"John he wants to go out the front door now. Hurry..."
John ran frantically to the front door crashing into walls and smashing a lamp.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
He ran to the door.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
He ripped the door open.
Kitty went out.
"John, I can't bear that cat. No matter how beautiful it looks...beer, let's get him beer."
"We can't. If the press catches me with beer they'll tear me in two."
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"John, he can't possibly want to come in again. He's only been out a minute. "
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in
The cat ran past him and to the back door.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"Oh my goodness John. All it does is go in and out."
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"Out...have to let him out, "cried John.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went out
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went out
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went out.
Hour after hour this continued with endless whining. Later that night as the family rested in bed, John was red eyed and blurry with confusion. His wife sat next to him meowing lightly. The clock was 2:32 am.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in (2:33 am)
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went out (2:40 am)
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in (2:45 am)
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in (3:00 am)
"John we have to do something...while my mind can function."
"Yes, kill the cat!"
"John no...the press. Think of the press. "
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in (3:o5 am)
...
The next morning John picked up the phone. He could barely talk.
"John Tito here...how's that cat working out for you?"
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went in.
John hung up the phone.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty went out. John collapsed on the floor.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
John crawled to the door. He smashed it and let the air blow in. The cat stood there and whined. John grabbed the cat and pushed it outside. Now the cat whined continuously as it went in and out the door.
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
Kitty go in, Kitty go out, Kitty go in. Kitty go out. Kitty go in. Kitty go out.
It was only then that John collapsed and fell asleep.
TWO DAYS LATER
John Lackey rested on his couch and drank a beer while chowing on fried chicken.
"Honey look. A gift from John Henry...a cat."
John smiled and said, "well, I guess John Henry loves me after all.'
"MMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW"
THE END
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Detective's Finest
"Hello?"
The knock on the door brought caution to the homeowners' face. She starred down the three quirky fellows dressed in what looked like 1940's detective suits bought from a thrift shop.
"Mam, do you know anything about baseball?"
The homeowner shook her head.
"Good. My name is Julio Lugo...detective Julio Lugo and this is my team J.D. Drew and Eric Gagne. We're Florida's finest detectives."
"Ow...this hurts." cried Drew who was rubbing his finger.
"Don't mind him. He's always in pain."
"OK...but I wasn't robbed of anything. That's the next street over."
Before she could react the three poured into her home. Three large boxes of powdered donuts were being slowly consumed by Detective Gagne who kept slamming into things knocking over items as he walked along and leaving foot prints of donut powder like a trail through the house.
"Don't mind Gagne, he can't see very well without his bottle glasses. "
"Really, I'm fine..." said Gagne.
She watched as a large vase crashed to the ground.
"What are you doing!"
"Just checking to see if your stolen property...ah...was in the vase, "said Gagne.
"You are getting powder from those blasted donuts all over my home."
"Mam, " shouted Gagne. "I am DUSTING for PRINTS."
"No you're eating the prints...now will you please leave. I have no need for detectives.'
Lugo invaded her space and moved in closer starring up at her.
"Mam, there has been a crime committed here. "
"Yes and I'm looking at it!" cried the homeowner.
Lugo turned towards his detectives.
"Gagne, did you check upstairs for the stolen property."
"What stolen property...I haven't been robbed...yet!" shouted the homeowner.
"Yup.' said Gagne spraying donut powder all over the walls as he talked. The fine film reflected against the sunlight of the room.
"Drew, did you check under the couch for the stolen property."
'Yup, "said Drew in between tears as he apparently sprained his neck starring under the couch. "Nothing here Lugo."
Lugo gave off an impression of utter frustration.
"Our best efforts for nothing. Well, I'm out of ideas, "said Lugo throwing his hands in the air.
"Enough... if you three do not leave the house I am calling the police."
"Mam, we are the police, "said Lugo before he grabbed another donut and started chowing on it. Lemon creme filling dripped down his face. Lugo wiped it up and smeared it on the wall.
"What are you doing!"
"I am making a crime scene. That's...like...ah...yellow tape you know."
"I have had enough. Get out! Get out!"
"Wait, "shouted Drew. " I found a knife in the kitchen and it has blood on it!"
"Ah ha!" shouted Lugo. "How did it get there."
"Oh, I forgot, I just cut myself on it. Wow does it hurt. Owww."
Lugo shook his head.
"That's it I am calling the police."
"I found it."
As the homeowner ran towards the phone, Gagne pulled on the vacuum cleaner cord which unfortunately was held so high in the air so the homeowner crashed right into it and fell hard on the floor.
"This ain't good, "said Gagne.
"Hey anyone got bandages, "cried Drew. "The more I try to stop the bleeding the more it seems to bleed. "
"Will someone call an ambulance. You idiots sprained my ankle."
"One minute mam. First we need to take this fingerprint powder and spray it over the house. We'll use your vacuum cleaner in reverse. In seconds we'll know who the culprit is!"
"NOOOOO"
Within a second a find mist of powder poured all over the house. As the dust cleared coughing could be heard everywhere. The three detectives waved their hands in the air trying to cope with the powder.
"Can anybody see any fingerprints!"
"Somebody open some windows.." shouted Gagne.
"Get the fan...I'll blow it out." shouted Drew.
Lugo grabbed a large fan spraying dust through the air.
"I know, I'll light a fire so we can see, "cried Drew.
"Are you an idiot, "screamed Lugo. "Use a propane torch. That'll generate light...and hurry."
Drew ignored the please of Lugo and soon a large fire poured through the house. Lugo, Drew and Gagne ran out of the house carrying the homeowner.
She got up and starred at the house.
"Stupid Drew...use a gas heater. I told you to use a gas heater. Now we have to figure out who burned the house down and sprained this woman's fine ankle."
Drew and Gagne sat there and munched on donuts.
"We should start in the basement. Could find a clue there." said Gagne spraying donut powder in the wind.
Lugo agreed. The homeowner just starred at them all and shook her head.
The knock on the door brought caution to the homeowners' face. She starred down the three quirky fellows dressed in what looked like 1940's detective suits bought from a thrift shop.
"Mam, do you know anything about baseball?"
The homeowner shook her head.
"Good. My name is Julio Lugo...detective Julio Lugo and this is my team J.D. Drew and Eric Gagne. We're Florida's finest detectives."
"Ow...this hurts." cried Drew who was rubbing his finger.
"Don't mind him. He's always in pain."
"OK...but I wasn't robbed of anything. That's the next street over."
Before she could react the three poured into her home. Three large boxes of powdered donuts were being slowly consumed by Detective Gagne who kept slamming into things knocking over items as he walked along and leaving foot prints of donut powder like a trail through the house.
"Don't mind Gagne, he can't see very well without his bottle glasses. "
"Really, I'm fine..." said Gagne.
She watched as a large vase crashed to the ground.
"What are you doing!"
"Just checking to see if your stolen property...ah...was in the vase, "said Gagne.
"You are getting powder from those blasted donuts all over my home."
"Mam, " shouted Gagne. "I am DUSTING for PRINTS."
"No you're eating the prints...now will you please leave. I have no need for detectives.'
Lugo invaded her space and moved in closer starring up at her.
"Mam, there has been a crime committed here. "
"Yes and I'm looking at it!" cried the homeowner.
Lugo turned towards his detectives.
"Gagne, did you check upstairs for the stolen property."
"What stolen property...I haven't been robbed...yet!" shouted the homeowner.
"Yup.' said Gagne spraying donut powder all over the walls as he talked. The fine film reflected against the sunlight of the room.
"Drew, did you check under the couch for the stolen property."
'Yup, "said Drew in between tears as he apparently sprained his neck starring under the couch. "Nothing here Lugo."
Lugo gave off an impression of utter frustration.
"Our best efforts for nothing. Well, I'm out of ideas, "said Lugo throwing his hands in the air.
"Enough... if you three do not leave the house I am calling the police."
"Mam, we are the police, "said Lugo before he grabbed another donut and started chowing on it. Lemon creme filling dripped down his face. Lugo wiped it up and smeared it on the wall.
"What are you doing!"
"I am making a crime scene. That's...like...ah...yellow tape you know."
"I have had enough. Get out! Get out!"
"Wait, "shouted Drew. " I found a knife in the kitchen and it has blood on it!"
"Ah ha!" shouted Lugo. "How did it get there."
"Oh, I forgot, I just cut myself on it. Wow does it hurt. Owww."
Lugo shook his head.
"That's it I am calling the police."
"I found it."
As the homeowner ran towards the phone, Gagne pulled on the vacuum cleaner cord which unfortunately was held so high in the air so the homeowner crashed right into it and fell hard on the floor.
"This ain't good, "said Gagne.
"Hey anyone got bandages, "cried Drew. "The more I try to stop the bleeding the more it seems to bleed. "
"Will someone call an ambulance. You idiots sprained my ankle."
"One minute mam. First we need to take this fingerprint powder and spray it over the house. We'll use your vacuum cleaner in reverse. In seconds we'll know who the culprit is!"
"NOOOOO"
Within a second a find mist of powder poured all over the house. As the dust cleared coughing could be heard everywhere. The three detectives waved their hands in the air trying to cope with the powder.
"Can anybody see any fingerprints!"
"Somebody open some windows.." shouted Gagne.
"Get the fan...I'll blow it out." shouted Drew.
Lugo grabbed a large fan spraying dust through the air.
"I know, I'll light a fire so we can see, "cried Drew.
"Are you an idiot, "screamed Lugo. "Use a propane torch. That'll generate light...and hurry."
Drew ignored the please of Lugo and soon a large fire poured through the house. Lugo, Drew and Gagne ran out of the house carrying the homeowner.
She got up and starred at the house.
"Stupid Drew...use a gas heater. I told you to use a gas heater. Now we have to figure out who burned the house down and sprained this woman's fine ankle."
Drew and Gagne sat there and munched on donuts.
"We should start in the basement. Could find a clue there." said Gagne spraying donut powder in the wind.
Lugo agreed. The homeowner just starred at them all and shook her head.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Mike Lowell and Ellen
Mike sat comfortably in his psychiatrist's office with a gleaming and heartfelt smile that he had not done in a long time. His doctor, who sat down on the chair, watched him intently,
"Mike, I haven't seen you this happy in a long time. Did you finally take my advice and take a vacation. "
Mike, who folded his hands together nodded and said, "you know after retiring from baseball and taking on a radio show -- I was just depressed but then something happened to me that changed everything."
"I can't wait to hear it."
"It all started simple enough. I was doing my radio show -- which I hated -- but it gave me something to do -- when out of the blue, this person calls up. I mean, so what right! Well, I hear her breathing on the phone. I could tell she was nervous and I kind of sighed. I got one word out of her though. Hi. "
Mike paused and smiled.
"That hi meant everything to me. I mean...I was almost in tears when I heard that."
Mike's psychiatrist nodded with a confused look on his face. "uh-hu, "he said.
"No really. This went on for a week. She would call in, sputter and stumble and then say hi. Every day my heart filled with happiness at that moment. I knew it was Ellen."
"Ellen? She just said...hi."
"Yup."
"Mike are you on any medication?"
"Come on, "laughed Mike. "This woman changed my life but it wasn't the hi that was it. It was the food. She's one hell of a cook."
"Oh, "said the doctor. "I see. "
"Ya, "said Mike who leaned back and starred into the memory of the first taste of her food. "
"One day she had enough courage to email me one of her favorite dishes. I tried it out and I gotta tell ya. When I took that first bite of her Meatloaf....I began to understand why life was so precious to me and why I needed to live it to the fullest."
Mike's psychiatrist leaned forward unable to speak. "OK, let me understand this right. You found the meaning of life...from meatloaf?"
"I like to call it Ellen-Loaf but ya, it changed me. When I first bit that meatloaf covered in worchester sauce, I just felt like Washington, the day he defeated the British and signed the peace treaty to end the Revolutionary War. It was that profound."
"Mike, are you sure we don't need to get you on some medication?"
Mike laughed and smiled with a gleam out of a toothpaste commercial.
"Come on...I'm fine but there's more. Lots more!"
"OK, "said the psychiatrist.
Mike leaned forward giddy with excitement.
"I felt lost after the end of my career. I felt really lost. I mean I wasn't Mike Lowell anymore. Baseball was my life but one call on the show from dear, sweet, loving Ellen who told me about a two for one sale with an online coupon at Sears on Polo Shirts...the tears that flowed down my face... you can't imagine the feeling I had. When she told me that, I knew I had to go on living. I knew I had a purpose in life. I mean, when Neal Armstrong stepped on the moon, until she told me about that coupon and special...I couldn't even imagine what Neal felt...now I do."
"Mike...are you insane!"
"I am not insane...come on. It was a special from Sears and let me tell you those shirts are so comfortable and I saved so much money. In addition I did it between the hours of 1:00 am and 3:00 am so I saved an additional 10%. It was like I got them for free but would I have had this happen were it not for loving, tender, warm Ellen -- I don't think so!"
"OK Mike, "said the doctor. "I really think a new regiment of medication will be very helpful to you at this point."
"Come on...oh did I tell you about what Ellen did for me."
"Must you?"
"Come on. Did you know that I needed a good heartwarming cry. I did and Ellen told me about this amazing show from the 60's. It's called Gilligan's..I cry every episode. This moving series about seven people trapped on an island...those poor people. If they would only kill Gilligan and...but they have such love for him. This series has such complexity and depth. It's so moving to me...what love and compassion they have for each other. It reminded me that friendship and love are what makes life worth living."
Mike's open tears dripped on his Sear's polo shirt but he didn't care. He grabbed a hankerchief that he got at Sears on the buy one get one free special...Ellen -- every time I wipe my eyes I think of you thought Mike.
"Mike, I'm going to schedule for Electro Shock Treatment but is there anything else."
"Ya, "cried Mike. "Ellen... she emailed me...she told me about season tickets for the Rays available at the Grocery store with purchase of fifteen boxes of Chex and twenty five boxes of Orville popcorn and fifty bottles of Excedrin and I got a free cowbell. I love her...Ellen is all that matters to me now..."
Mike wiped his eyes.
"Can we finish this later. I need to get home and make some Pork Fried Bacon Bits. I need to feel Ellen in my heart and that dish always...gets to me..."
'OK Mike, I'm going to call the men in white coats and you're going to go with them..."
Mike sighed and smiled.
"Have you ever tried a...Twinkie..."
The doctor silently called 911.
Mike picked up the phone. I have to call Ellen...tell her about my day. Mike waited and smiled as the phone rang.
"hello?"
"Ellen, Mike Lowell..."
'Mike...I'm at work now...can this wait?"
"I can't Ellen...I can't."
" Mike, you've got to learn to live on your own...without me! Stop this incessant calling!"
"Ellen...this is Mike Lowell...you're friend...you're..."
"Mike...get a hold of yourself. It's bad enough that Tim Wakefield calls me for physical exercise tips, Terry Francona needs my therapy, Theo Epstein needs my math help, John Henry needs my help on Calculus, David Ortiz needs my help on physical training, Adrian Gonsalez needs my help on religious matters, Jason Varitek needs help on affordable life insurance, Carl Crawford needs my help on self confidence and to top it all off, J.D. Drew keeps calling me on pain management. I've had enough. I only have so many hours in a day. I am not the Red Sox therapist!"
"Ellen..."
"No Mike..it's over. I can't take the time. Jonathan Papelbon really needs my help right now on discovering that the Smurfs are not real and that he has not been butt probed by aliens from Mars. That is consuming a lot of my time. It ain't easy!"
"OK Ellen but..."
"No butts Mike...ha no pun intended...anyway I have to go. I'm dealing with Ozzie of the White Sox and anger management lessons. So far I've gotten him to avoid burning down his house. I've got to go."
Mike hung up the phone and sighed.
"Ellen is the best!"
"Mike, I haven't seen you this happy in a long time. Did you finally take my advice and take a vacation. "
Mike, who folded his hands together nodded and said, "you know after retiring from baseball and taking on a radio show -- I was just depressed but then something happened to me that changed everything."
"I can't wait to hear it."
"It all started simple enough. I was doing my radio show -- which I hated -- but it gave me something to do -- when out of the blue, this person calls up. I mean, so what right! Well, I hear her breathing on the phone. I could tell she was nervous and I kind of sighed. I got one word out of her though. Hi. "
Mike paused and smiled.
"That hi meant everything to me. I mean...I was almost in tears when I heard that."
Mike's psychiatrist nodded with a confused look on his face. "uh-hu, "he said.
"No really. This went on for a week. She would call in, sputter and stumble and then say hi. Every day my heart filled with happiness at that moment. I knew it was Ellen."
"Ellen? She just said...hi."
"Yup."
"Mike are you on any medication?"
"Come on, "laughed Mike. "This woman changed my life but it wasn't the hi that was it. It was the food. She's one hell of a cook."
"Oh, "said the doctor. "I see. "
"Ya, "said Mike who leaned back and starred into the memory of the first taste of her food. "
"One day she had enough courage to email me one of her favorite dishes. I tried it out and I gotta tell ya. When I took that first bite of her Meatloaf....I began to understand why life was so precious to me and why I needed to live it to the fullest."
Mike's psychiatrist leaned forward unable to speak. "OK, let me understand this right. You found the meaning of life...from meatloaf?"
"I like to call it Ellen-Loaf but ya, it changed me. When I first bit that meatloaf covered in worchester sauce, I just felt like Washington, the day he defeated the British and signed the peace treaty to end the Revolutionary War. It was that profound."
"Mike, are you sure we don't need to get you on some medication?"
Mike laughed and smiled with a gleam out of a toothpaste commercial.
"Come on...I'm fine but there's more. Lots more!"
"OK, "said the psychiatrist.
Mike leaned forward giddy with excitement.
"I felt lost after the end of my career. I felt really lost. I mean I wasn't Mike Lowell anymore. Baseball was my life but one call on the show from dear, sweet, loving Ellen who told me about a two for one sale with an online coupon at Sears on Polo Shirts...the tears that flowed down my face... you can't imagine the feeling I had. When she told me that, I knew I had to go on living. I knew I had a purpose in life. I mean, when Neal Armstrong stepped on the moon, until she told me about that coupon and special...I couldn't even imagine what Neal felt...now I do."
"Mike...are you insane!"
"I am not insane...come on. It was a special from Sears and let me tell you those shirts are so comfortable and I saved so much money. In addition I did it between the hours of 1:00 am and 3:00 am so I saved an additional 10%. It was like I got them for free but would I have had this happen were it not for loving, tender, warm Ellen -- I don't think so!"
"OK Mike, "said the doctor. "I really think a new regiment of medication will be very helpful to you at this point."
"Come on...oh did I tell you about what Ellen did for me."
"Must you?"
"Come on. Did you know that I needed a good heartwarming cry. I did and Ellen told me about this amazing show from the 60's. It's called Gilligan's..I cry every episode. This moving series about seven people trapped on an island...those poor people. If they would only kill Gilligan and...but they have such love for him. This series has such complexity and depth. It's so moving to me...what love and compassion they have for each other. It reminded me that friendship and love are what makes life worth living."
Mike's open tears dripped on his Sear's polo shirt but he didn't care. He grabbed a hankerchief that he got at Sears on the buy one get one free special...Ellen -- every time I wipe my eyes I think of you thought Mike.
"Mike, I'm going to schedule for Electro Shock Treatment but is there anything else."
"Ya, "cried Mike. "Ellen... she emailed me...she told me about season tickets for the Rays available at the Grocery store with purchase of fifteen boxes of Chex and twenty five boxes of Orville popcorn and fifty bottles of Excedrin and I got a free cowbell. I love her...Ellen is all that matters to me now..."
Mike wiped his eyes.
"Can we finish this later. I need to get home and make some Pork Fried Bacon Bits. I need to feel Ellen in my heart and that dish always...gets to me..."
'OK Mike, I'm going to call the men in white coats and you're going to go with them..."
Mike sighed and smiled.
"Have you ever tried a...Twinkie..."
The doctor silently called 911.
Mike picked up the phone. I have to call Ellen...tell her about my day. Mike waited and smiled as the phone rang.
"hello?"
"Ellen, Mike Lowell..."
'Mike...I'm at work now...can this wait?"
"I can't Ellen...I can't."
" Mike, you've got to learn to live on your own...without me! Stop this incessant calling!"
"Ellen...this is Mike Lowell...you're friend...you're..."
"Mike...get a hold of yourself. It's bad enough that Tim Wakefield calls me for physical exercise tips, Terry Francona needs my therapy, Theo Epstein needs my math help, John Henry needs my help on Calculus, David Ortiz needs my help on physical training, Adrian Gonsalez needs my help on religious matters, Jason Varitek needs help on affordable life insurance, Carl Crawford needs my help on self confidence and to top it all off, J.D. Drew keeps calling me on pain management. I've had enough. I only have so many hours in a day. I am not the Red Sox therapist!"
"Ellen..."
"No Mike..it's over. I can't take the time. Jonathan Papelbon really needs my help right now on discovering that the Smurfs are not real and that he has not been butt probed by aliens from Mars. That is consuming a lot of my time. It ain't easy!"
"OK Ellen but..."
"No butts Mike...ha no pun intended...anyway I have to go. I'm dealing with Ozzie of the White Sox and anger management lessons. So far I've gotten him to avoid burning down his house. I've got to go."
Mike hung up the phone and sighed.
"Ellen is the best!"
THE END
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