The Theo Epstein Club

(Setting: a plush, elite club in the hidden part of the city. The city is Boston.)

"Hello, I'm Julio Lugo. Welcome and enjoy the atmosphere and joy of the club. Here I am wearing a fine polyester bathrobe with pipe in hand enjoying the fine decorations. Join me. Let me welcome my friend Eric Gagne."

"Hello, I'm Eric. Are you ready to be a member of the Club. It takes a special kind of baseball talent to get in. Not everyone gets in do they Lugnuts..."

"Hey, I told you to stop calling me that Gag-me. "

(Eric seems to burn with anger but then stops himself.)

"No matter Julio, we're all friends here...like our friend J.D. Drew..."

(Drew walks over and sits down on the couch with the same bathrobe and pipe)

"Ow, I'm in pain, oh dizzy, oh pain."

"Relax Drew, "said Lugo. "This is the Theo Epstein club. You can do that later."

"Oh thank goodness, "said Drew. "I'm so worn out faking injuries."

(Julian Tavarez walks over with JUST a bathrobe on.)

"Hey everyone."

"You know, I thought that crazy attitude was just for Theo. Come on Julian, put some clothes on. Arnie get him some clothes."

(Arnie walks over looking disgusted.)

"Of all the sickening things I have seen in my life. This makes me sick. Look at you all milking the Theo Epstein cash for your own benefits. You're all a shame. Look at you Dice-K."

(Dice K speaks through five interpreters. he walks in with a gold bathrobe and gold slippers.)

"Relax Arnie, joining the Theo Epstein club is nothing short of a miracle for me. I'm a millionaire and, hey for old times sake...ow, ow, oh that hurts."

"I quit, "screams Arnie. "You guys told me you loved the Red Sox. I loathe you all and you probably don't even know what that words me do you Lugo?"

(Lugo looks like a face of shame as Arnie walks out)

"There is a man with a problem, "said Brad Penny who sits down. "When I played with the Red Sox I put my heart into it...NOT. I love how I said if I stay healthy I'll be OK. What a sham. "

(Lugo smiles towards the camera)

"So join us next time on the Theo Epstein club. Oh hey Edgar Renteria...how goes it."

"Fine, fine, Lugo I tell ya, despite my efforts I still didn't have the error count that you did. How did you do it?"

"Talent my friend, " said Lugo. "Talent."

"I'm disgusted too!" shouted John Lackey. "At least I try to play the game. Drew, you're pathetic. Lugo, you stink. This whole club stinks."

Dice-K looks over and smiles.

"Chocolate pudding?"

"Oh ya, great. "

So friends, join us next time for the Theo Epstein Club.