Theo's Secretary

I'm Theo Epstein's secretary Susan. When I first started in the organization I saw Theo as a brilliant man. It was the winter of 2006 and everyone was desperate for a World Series title -- or at least respectability after 2004. Of course it didn't take much time to realize that this was one of the worst decisions of my life. I really wish I kept my job as corporate executive at Microsoft.

"Mmm, these fries are so crisp don't you think Patty."

My name is Susan by the way. They liked to eat a lot of French Fries. Notice I say they. My name by the way his Susan. Anyway, I was eating a salad and reading Les Miserables (or The Miserable in English) and it seemed so appropriate today of all days.

"Wait, these fries are crisp."

"Ya, "I said awaiting some revelation here. Theo does this a lot. He associates words with ballplayers. Ya there is no computer program or spreadsheet or calculation. That's how Theo Epstein buys the worst ballplayers on the planet.

"Don't you see."

He's joking isn't he.

"Don't you see. Coco Crisp. I'm coo coo for Coco puffs. It all adds up in my head."

He is coo coo, I give him that. Anyway, it was hard to see anything in Theo's head with that stupid gorilla suit he always wears when he has his inspirations.

"Theo don't. Crisp is OK but you have Jacobe Ellsbury ready and waiting. Use him."

"No, "said Theo. "Coco, don't you see, I'm eating coco with crisp fries. Yes it all adds up don't you think Elmer."

"To madness, "I said. There were so many things wrong with this idea. First, he was drinking coco not eating it and second my name is Susan.

"Oh Betty, this is the sign of great things to come. Never, give out my secrets."

He says that to Leo and by the time he talks to Leo I've given up. Did I mention he has fifteen personalities. Oh ya, I usually need a beer before I discuss that one.

"Now, what we need is a shortstop and I have the perfect one."

Great, now my stomach is aching. The salad is revolting to me now. Victor Hugo needed Theo for inspiration.

"I got a flat tire this morning and when they changed it they changed the lugnuts. Got it?"

Why does he keep asking me that?

"Lugnuts...Lugo...its a sign from the gods."

I really need to call his shrink.

"We are NOT getting rid of Orlando for...Lugo? You've got to be insane..."

Oh right he is. How can I forget that with his Incredible Hulk costume on.

(Bantor plays)

Coco Crisp signs with Red Sox and joins J.D. Drew in multimillion dollar deal. Julio Lugo also signed.

I hate reading the paper. Theo always plays it up and then months later it comes crashing down.

"You keep reading that novel what is it."

I pause to look up. I've been reading the novel for months. Now he notices?

"Les Miserables, I say. "It's a French novel."

There are moments in my life where I wish I was somewhere else. Seeing Theo rise in his chair starring at the sunshine with a gorilla suit on is one of them.

"Of course, the French will provide us with salvation just like they did when they invented French Fries. "

It was then I was convinced that Theo's medication needed some strengthening. I would tell him the French did not invent French fries but my headache is feeling like we just signed Eric Gagne but I am convinced that he is not that insane.

"Well dump some lousy prospects, sell off a pitcher or two, lose a draft prospect and then we'll own Eric Gagne. What do you think Wilma?"

"I'm Susan. I'm sorry but its bad enough when you outbid yourself, I really hate your multiple personalities by the way especially Jane, and now you're getting Gag-me. No, that is a bad idea."

(Banter playing)
"Red Sox sign Eric Gagne. Will join Coco Crisp, Julio Lugo and J.D. Drew as the dynamic foursome."

How in hell did we win that World Series anyway. Theo effectively dumped four useless players and still we won. The papers said it best.

(Benny Hill Song plays)
"Red Sox dump Eric Gagne"

(Benny Hill Song plays)
Red Sox trying to dump Coco Crisp

(Benny Hill Song plays)
Julio Lugnuts Lugo is a disaster

(Benny Hill Song plays)
Sox pay J.D. Drew a multimillion dollar contract for one home run

I read the morning paper. Sometimes I hate my job. What's worse is Theo is wearing his Dracula costume this morning and talking to Bugs Bunny. If only the Fenway fateful knew.

Anyway, those are just some of the highlights. You can count the millions spent in waste. Dice-K, Drew, Lugo, Brad Penny, Colon, Schmotlz, etc. Theo just can't help himself. How about Cameron or any number of ballplayers we signed for what?

Anyway, I have to go. Theo thinks he's Julia Child today. Don't get me started on the dress. Anyway, I'm seeing his wheels turning again. He's making a salad out of potatoes, grape leaves, bread with peanut butter, and a dressing made with corn starch, corn syrup, red food coloring and green wheat grass. I wonder if the Phillies need some help. I certainly do.

"I have it. What do Captain Crunch, Lego's and the Space Shuttle have in common!!!"

If its Eric Gagne, I quit right now.

"You guessed it Nardia, Eric Gagne."

I quit.