Twenty Questions for Bobby Valentine

Hi, I'm Joe Derive and in our second interview -- we pour it on. Here it is in full.  Have fun!


In your opinion, what ultimately doomed the Red Sox in 2012?   

BOBBY: Well I tell ya.  The reality is that it was David Ortiz.  He burned us badly but faking an injury and then walking out on the team.  In addition Kevin Youkilis put a voodoo curse on the team forcing me to say stupid stuff to the press but oh that's not all.  Dice-K had a billion dollar arm but every time I said something like you stink he'd suddenly turn into a lousy pitcher.  It was miserable so ya...it was actually Marco Scutaro of the Giants.  He put a curse on the team.  Yup that's it.

How many times did you play cribbage/trash-talk with Dustin Pedroia?

Mostly he trash-talked to me when he was angry with me which of course formed a long line at the end of the day.  Actually I'm glad I had my door closed and blasted the Beach Boys and the Carpenters.  That really got me through a day.

Have you ever heard of suspending a player for throwing a temper tantrum and why did Alfredo Aceves' behavior reach the point that he required that type of punishment?

I talked with Alfredo and he doesn't remember throwing a desk nor acting badly and frankly neither do I.   Most of the time actually we talked Shakespeare and the TV series Charmed.  We're trying to start a petition to get the show made again with Shannon Dorothy.

Who has more swag, David Ortiz or his son?

Well, that depends on your definition of the word 'swag'.  Seriously what does swag mean???


What happened between you and Kevin Youkilis, and what is the current state of your relationship?

Well I tell you that is a great question.   Kevin and I talk all the time and he remembers those comments.  He actually told me to say that to the press to create dramatic stuff so that it would look like we were having friction but the reality is we have tea and crumpets every Sunday afternoon during our book club.  We're reading now Les Miserables in French.  It's fun.

Which brand of antacid did you require during the season and at what point did you have to switch to the extra-strength version?

I used to use antacid but now I just snort.  It's quicker.  Fortunately snorting didn't affect my behaviorrer...

When you say that David Ortiz gave up on the season, do you feel like any other players also gave up on the team/season? If so, who and when? We want names.

No problem for the guys who gave up the season, IMHO are the minority and are as follows:
Kevin Youkilis, David Ortiz, Jon Lester, Josh Beckett, Clay Buckholz, West Middlebrooks, Alfredo Aceves, Kevin Youkilis again, Dustin Pedroia, Scott Atchidson, Jared Saltalamaccia, Cody Ross, Ben Cherington, John Henry, Larry the Leach, the entire Red Sox bullpen, John Lackey, Jacobe Ellsbury, Vincent Padella, Felix Dubront, Dice-K, ah...all the coaches and grounds crew, the vendors, the construction workers, the Mayor of Boston, the Governor of Massachusetts...

Does John Henry always speak in that quiet, subdued voice? What does John Henry yelling sound like?

John always talked in a horse voice, a scratchy voice...oh wait that's after he screams at me. 

What was managing Josh Beckett like and why did it not work out for him in Boston?

Josh loved me.  The problem was that Josh didn't love Boston.  He hated everyone on the team but me and I couldn't persuade him to stay despite the fact that every weekend we played golf.

WEEI or 98.5 The Sports Hub?

WEEI,

Considering the amount of injuries the team had, would it have been possible/how could the team have finished better than last in the AL East?

If the team didn't have these injuries we'd be in the World Series sweeping the Giants.
 
How hilarious would it have been to have you, Manny Ramirez and Pedro Martinez in the same clubhouse?

 It would be great.  We'd all get along fine.  I always wanted to shoot rocket launchers at the Green Monster at Fenway with Manny.  We'd have fun.

What is it like to manage a losing, crabby team knowing you'll be fired? What helped you finish out the season?

Well, it was hard of course.  Very hard.  What got me through it was reruns of Charmed. 

Which players sent you text messages that made you cry? Which players never spoke to you again after the end of the season? We want names. And phone numbers. Possibly addresses as well.

OK as far as the ones that made me cry -- only one.  The one where I read it and crashed my bike at Central Park.  That hurt.

Players that never spoke to me again...actually you should put it as players who are STILL speaking to me.  Let me see...hmm.....I can't actually recall anyone either.


How close is this Red Sox team to making the necessary attitude changes needed before becoming a winning organization once again?

 Oh...I would say....0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000002% of the way.

Would you consider doing a duet with Taylor Swift about your break-up with the Red Sox? We hear she's good at writing break-up songs.

I would.  I was the one who got Taylor Swift started in the music business actually.  On the side I do record recording.  I find the stars.  I've given the world the talents of Paul Simon, Frank Sinatra, Mozart, Bach, you know the big names. 

How much of the drama reported by the media this season actually happened? What can you flat out confirm and flat out deny?

All of it didn't happen actually so that should wrap it up!

Since you claim to have invented the wrap sandwiches, do you ask for free wraps when you go to restaurants that are not your own?

Actually that's not true.  I invented the sandwich not the wrap so the question doesn't make sense.  You media types. 

 Would you still have applied to be the manager of the Boston Red Sox last season had you known then what you know now about the organization and the players on the Red Sox?

Considering they didn't take advantage of my great talent or insight -- NO.

I'm Joe Derive.