Billy Stein...umpire

Billy Stein did not consider being an umpire a life long dream. It was more of the fact that he had torn up his left leg in a car accident that gave him an umpire job. Before that he was whipping fast balls at you at 98 mph. That was before the accident. Now he was doing balls and strikes as the new Major league umpire. No more crappy life in the minors. It was a dream. He could still travel and be part of the team.

Week 1: Billy Stein : weight 180. Height 6 feet.
Billy called strike three. David Ortiz gave him a nasty look, spewed threats and walked off breaking the bat. Billy shrugged it off but thought "man minor league players don't act like they're gods."
An inning later when David struck out, David threw the bat down and said the universal curse to Billy.
Billy threw his arm up into the arm to throw David out of the game.
Then came Terry Francona and then came David and suddenly Billy didn't feel like umpiring was all that glamorous.
(later)
Billy had never eaten junk food before today but he felt like it was time. Actually he had eaten junk food before but never for emotional distress. He got a small chocolate bar...actually seven. He swore only one but when the chocolate struck his throat and savoured his mouth with the sweet delicious taste of sugar and fat, mixed with whole milk...he felt better.

Week 2: Billy Stein : weight 185. Height 6 feet.
Billy was at a Yankees game when A-Rod swore at him about the call third strike. Billy hesitated and shrugged it off. A-Rod came back for more and Billy threw him out of the game. The manager came out and it was practically a fist fight...actually it was.
(Later)
Billy ordered from McDonalds. He had never done that before and got a Big Mac with fries and a shake. He got the apple pie too. His stomach hurt from the meal but he absorbed the pain and fell asleep.

Week 3: Billy Stein : weight 190. Height 6 feet.
Billy saw the button snap off from his pants as he walked on the field. It struck A-Rod on the foot.
"Man you OK?"
"Fine...bastard, "said Billy under his lips.
Once again it was strike three but Billy didn't care. He was sick of the stupid hitters whining at him. He called "ball three." That would shut A-Rod up. Of course getting a curse from the catcher and then from the pitcher didn't help. Billy saw the catcher get up and curse him. Billy had to wave his arm up. He would fix it later. Kentucky Fried Chicken was open all night.
(later)
Billy sat in his room with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, mashed potatoes and a half gallon of ice cream. He devoured the chicken and potatoes and ice cream. He fell back. Somehow his stomach didn't hurt as much. Yes, he could just get to sleep.

Week 4: Billy Stein : weight 198. Height 6 feet.
Billy could carry his weight well but the pants were more an effort but he could do it. He got a newer pair from the umpire store. They specialized with those hard to fit clothes for busy umpires. He walked out on the field. Somehow the strike zone felt confusing to him. Perhaps it was the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast this morning. It was a grand slam all right.
"Strike!"
Lugo got his bat up and cursed Billy. Billy had had enough. The four eggs with hashbrowns and bacon was upsetting his stomach. Billy screamed at Lugo to shut up and then threw Lugo out of the game. He then threw his mask on the ground and threw the manager out just because. He felt better.
(Later)
Billy fell on the bed. He had never eaten a Wendy's value meal before with three chocolate bars and a bowl or two of ice cream but it felt better,.

Week 5: Billy Stein : weight 220. Height 6 feet.
The weight was coming on faster now. Fortunately he was in the weight bracket for the Umpire Store's value discount. He walked on the field. The shafing of his legs was frustrating him. He saw David Ortiz. How he wanted to throw out Papi. The rude, insensitive twirp.
"Ball!"
David walked but the manager came out from the Yankees and started screaming at Billy. Billy felt a headache coming on. He looked away until Girardi pushed him getting him ejected from the game.
"You piece of #$#$ " screamed the manager. Billy threw his mask on the ground and swore as well. Girardi charged back...
(later)
Billy had never eaten fifteen types of candy bars along with three soft drinks and some milk shakes but oh how it felt so good. That would stop the swearing he heard today.

Week 6: Billy Stein : weight 250. Height 6 feet.
Somehow walking on the field was getting harder. It was more like a wobble than a walk. Sweat poured down his spine as he made it...barely to home plate. He knelt down but the fat from his belly was getting in the way. He stood up.
"Strike"
He knew it was outside. He had a reputation now of throwing people out of the game and often screaming his head off like a raving madman. He was becoming feared for his irrationality rather than his smarts.
"Ball."
Billy was over the plate now. Sadly both sides were frustrated with him but it was an even cause. He had annoyed both sides.
"Foul."
Billy loved foul balls. That didn't involve him getting involved in the game.
"Check swing."
The usually calm Mike Lowell threw his bat into the air. Billy tried to duck but his larger body size forced him to absorb the impact. That would hurt.
"You OK?" asked Mike looking over him.
"Hu?"
(later)
Billy had never had a heart condition before but he didn't care. Ya, the Cracker Barrell butter plate would make him forget his woes. Ah that with the special King Size Cracker Barrell chocolate bar would make it all go away.
Week 7: Billy Stein : weight 300. Height 6 feet.
Billy now had to fully wobble on the field. It was sort of step, breath, step, breath. He called it his dance. He made it to the catcher's box. Somehow that catcher seemed so far away from his face now. He couldn't bend down anymore. He was afraid he'd fall right on top of the catcher if he did that.
"ah...strike."
Somehow there was little force in that statement. It was getting harder to concentrate so his strike zone became kind of random. He was starting to take wild guesses. A passed ball from the catcher was a wild pitch because he couldn't see the ball anymore. All he could see was those delicious Cadberry Chocolate caramel bars with a double chocolate ice cream float. Mmmm..
"strike ball"
"What the...?"
Billy was of course unaware of calling the pitch two different ways so he swung his arm and threw the catcher out for swearing. He didn't swear of course but Billy had more important matters on his mind. He then called third strike on the batter even though the count was 2 and 2.
Now both benches ran on the field in protest. Billy waved his arms around throwing people out for whatever reason. He couldn't take the mask off his face now. His arms wouldn't reach it.
(later)
Billy had never had a McDonald's dinner for twelve but tonight he would. He savored all the food as it fell into his mouth. Mmmmmmm...this was the life and the umpire union protected him.
Week 8: Billy Stein : weight 400. Height 6 feet.
Billy wobbled out sending minor tremors through the ground. Both sides just starred at Billy as he used his legs to force his way to home plate. A row of jaws dropped in unison as Billy found his way to home plate. He had his mask already on...that special size for those hard to fit people.
"play...ball."
Billy then slurped his slurpie and downed a chocolate bar that slowly dripped on Jason Varitek's shoulder.
"Big mac!"
Jason turned around as Billy was now devouring a Big Mac in front of him with sauce dripping down his face.
"What in hell."
Billy tried to eject Jason but his arm couldn't quite reach high enough.
"ball!"
"We haven't even started yet."
Billy nodded away and took guesses at the strike zone. He was now a full fledged umpire living out his dream of endless eating.