The morning of Theo Epstein

It was 4:00 am. Theo knew that because he couldn't sleep on the alarm clock any more. He knew that alarm clocks were a way of keeping you from sleeping too long when you used them as a pillow, but he wondered why they were called alarm clocks. His head hurt.
He yawned and got out from the dresser drawer closing the drawer to the dresser.
"Oh I love my bunk bed."
The bed was there where he laid out his clothes.
"The bed should be called a dresser. This whole world is mad. I like Julio Lugo. I'm sorry John Henry told me to trade him away before he killed me with a chainsaw. John has a bad temper."
He put on his shoes first struggling to get his pants on. Theo cursed.
"Why can't they make pants that are easier to put on once you get on your shoes. "
Theo then put on his Spongebob underwear.
Theo then put on his shirt and walked into the shower. He washed himself and his clothes properly and then spent the next hour using a blow dryer to dry his clothes.
"Someday they'll invent a way to wash your clothes besides the shower, "said Theo who had burns all over his skin. Why does everyone say I smell anyway?"
He then walked into the kitchen. He looked around.
"I'm hungry!"
Theo got some milk from the fridge and poured it into a pan. He started to drink it.
"Why do they make glasses so hard to drink from! Now I'll have to wash my clothes again. Oh yes, they have a washing machine for clothes in the kitchen."
Theo put his shirt and underwear and pants into the dishwasher. He ran it standing naked in the kitchen.
He then felt hungry in his stomach. He went to the fridge and got out a frozen waffle.
"Why can't we use a freezer for storing something other than ice, "said Theo pondering the dilemma.
He put the waffle on the stove and burned it with the burner. When it was black enough he took out the cutting board and put the waffle on the cutting board.
"Why can't they make plates out of ceramic, "snapped Theo.
He poured maple syrup on the board and then soaked the waffle in the syrup.
The phone rang.
Theo looked at the number on caller ID. After the ringing stopped he called the number.
"Hi John. What's up!"
Theo could have just answered the phone but he didn't know that feature was available.
"I can't sleep. This team is terrible. Can't you do something?"
Theo pondered. He said, "I'll see you at the meeting. It's very hard to talk while I'm eating my waffle and washing my clothes in the kitchen.
Theo hung up.
The phone rang.
"Hello."
"Hello, you have inherited twenty million dollars and all you need to do is give me one thousand dollars..."
"Can I just give you my credit card instead."
"Ah....OK!"
"Give me your address and I'll mail it to you."
"You can just give me your number."
"It's 555.2847."
"No your credit card number."
"My credit card doesn't have a phone number."
"The number on your CREDIT card."
"What number."
"Never mind. You're even too dumb for a scam. It's like your Theo Epstein!"
Theo hung up.
He then used the cutting knife to eat the waffle.
"Why can't they make something other than a knife for eating?"
Theo heard his cell phone ring. He pulled it out of the microwave oven. He picked it up and looked at the number. He waited and then dialed the number.
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
Theo never figured out how to take the phone out of mute mode. He sighed.
"Hello?"
Theo then put the phone into the microwave again.
"Why do we have to have such a big tool to store cell phones in!"
Theo got his clothes out of the dishwasher and put them on. They were still filled with moisture. He was growing mould on his shirt.
"Hey...I could put my clothes in the washer in the kitchen instead of using the shower...but then why have a shower? I'm confused. My head hurts again. I don't like it when my head hurts again. I'm thinking too much."
Theo sighed. Theo walked outside to his car. He slid the key in the door lock. The car alarm blarred waking up the neighborhood.
"Good morning car, "shouted Theo. Theo thought the car alarm was a good morning call for the car. He was very polite to his car.
He stepped into his car and turned the engine on. The alarm finally went off after a brick cracked his windshield. He put his seatbelt on over the passenger car seat.
"I like to protect the passenger car seat from accidents."
He turned the warning flashers on and then started honking the horn. Theo then turned the lights of his car on and off. He turned the wipers on and off. He looked around and honked the horn again.
"Getting a card to go into reverse is too complicated. My head hurts. "
He put the car in reverse to back it out of the driveway running over his trashbags. He made it into the street.
"People are such slobs!' cursed Theo.
He drove off to work. Trash rolled over on the pavement. His lights kept going on and off because he had the emergency harzard lights on.
To be continued....