Confused in Baltimore

The Baltimore Orioles management can't figure out why people aren't coming to the ballpark anymore and drastic measures may have to be considered to alter course. I'm Joe Derive.

The Baltimore Orioles attendance this year has brought it close to an empty stadium night after night. It's really hard to bring in customers when nobody wants to attend.

"If the stadium is empty then nobody wants to come. The key is to fill the stadium with people. You do that and you have full attendance. The problem is that we are not filling the seats. "

That type of thinking may be why Baltimore has the worst record in the league right now but Orioles management sees things differently.

"We feel that the best way to improve attendance is triple ticket prices. That's one idea. If the tickets are that expensive then people will think this is the place to be! I mean, its so obvious why didn't we think of this before."

While Ticket prices continue to skyrocket, attendence goes down. Now fans from out of town come in to cheer for their team including New York and Boston.

"We certainly welcome the fans of course. We're glad they are here in our stadium filling up seats. We are changing things around here...you know adding Red Sox and Yankee posters and books and t-shirts and all that to accomadate the fans and eliminating all references to the Orioles. When the Yankees play, we're repainting the stadium and all that. Of course we'll still sell Baltimore Oriole stuff, at exhorbadent prices, on ebay so fans need not worry about getting their stuff anymore. "

This has to be the dumbest moves of any team in history but it gets worse.

"We were thinking of holding concerts during the game. Paul Simon, being a Yankee fan can come in and sing. Nobody pays any attention to the game anyway and the fans won't mind. The players are of course invited to play the game. Our team can't hit so there is no chance Paul will get hit with a fly ball."

So if you're heading out to Baltimore, the seats are plentiful, the accomidations suited to your team of choice and the beer is $75.00 a cup. You'll need it.

I'm Joe Derive.