New Umpire Standards

Bud Selig, known for his tough stance and quick problem solving actions took a bold step today in enforcing desperately needed physical and mental standards for Major League umpires. In a bold move, all umpires must now pass a rigorous physical and well as mental exam in order to continue to manage the rules of the game. Bud did make minor alterations of the test under protest from umpire Joe West but they were minor changes.
"It's outrageous and unfair. That's all I'm gonna say, "said umpire Joe West who became the most vocal of the group. "
Joe West complained most of all at the riding mower test which required all umpires to be able to drive a riding mower for ten minutes in an air conditioned room. The test was to test an umpires endurance on the field.
"I was exhausted. I had barely enough energy to get off the mower. What kind of an test is that? Do Olympians get pushed this hard?"
The test was later dropped under protest and changed to an umpire promising to be able to do the test without actually demonstrating his ability.
"That's outrageous too, "snapped Joe West.
Bud dropped the test entirely after that. Other tests include being able to stand up for ten minutes straight without sitting down. This was considered the most rigorous and was modified to allow the umpires to take rest breaks when needed.
The mental test categories were also rigerous. "When was the War of 1812 fought" really threw the umpires off.
"What kind of a question is that? How do they expect me to pass a test like that?"
Other questions included "what is the present year and how many days are in a week. Both questions were considered impossible to answer by the umpires without extensive research and were dropped.
Finally the umpires themselves were asked questions about the game such as what a strike zone is and what is a ground rule double.
"I can't believe this type of questioning? What is this anyway? How do I know what the rules of football and basketball are? Ground rule doubles and strike zones. What kind of crazy terminology is that?"
Joe West became so angry that Bud dropped the test entirely and considered instead further study in the matter. Umpire Joe West was proud of his leadership.
"This is why Bud is such a leader because he stands up for what's right."
I'm Joe Derive!