Theo Epstein's Health Bar

Good Evening. I'm Theo Epstein. Are you looking to get away from life for a while. I know the stress I feel of taking complaints over such fine choices as J.D. Drew, Dice-K, Julio Lugo, losing Justin Masterson, Eric Gagne, Carl Crawford, Bobby Jenks, Morales, Wheeler, well just about the entire team, I like to get away a while and relax. Well, look no further than the Theo Epstein health bar. Come with me as we take a tour.

Kitchen
First, let's check out the health food kitchen. My mouth is watering already...then again so are my feet...hmmm, must be a leak. Anyway, ignore the large river of water in the kitchen. The point is that pizza, chicken nuggets, fried potatoes, potato chips, and my favorite -- a triple fudge sundae with whipped topping and creamed pig fat...mmmm. Now that's health food. After three servings of this. I'm so full right now I'm ready to burn it off with exercise. Come with me to the gym.

Gym
First let's unlock the door to exercise. Yes, let's unlock the door. All we have to do...is get...this...door...unlocked. Dammit why isn't it opening. Perhaps this sledge hammer will help.
(bang)
(bang)
(bang)
Whew, I'm already burning up a sweat. The sledge hammer would work better if the hammer head didn't fly off on the first swing. Never...ah...it opened.
What a spacious gym with shiny new wood floor...oh I see its not...dry...yet. No...matter...ah just one corner wasn't dry. Now let's get a ball and drop it into the basket.
(thump)
I see the basketballs aren't quite inflated yet. No matter. I can still toss one in the basket...there...oh for heaven's sake. How did the ball go through the damn wall. Who in heck designed this place! Oh, right, it was me.

The Sauna
Well, no matter. We cna then relax and cheer ourselves up at the old sauna. Whew, it's steamy in here. I sit down...Ow...stupid splinters. Ow, nails...ow, wood chips...dammit the sauna's on fire. I told them not to use gasoline to clean the wood...but did they listen! Hey, its locked. The door's stuck...HELP!

The Hot Tub.
After all that there is nothing like a warm hot tub, so now we relax and take in the warm hot...water...that's really hot...why does it smell so bad. Oh the phone is ringing. I get it from the wall.
(thunk)
You know a phone that crashes on your foot can really create a severe amount of pain. I think I'll answer the phone later...but first, let's ignore the hot tub. Let's hit the olympic sized pool! AHHHH
(thunk)
OK, who forgot to add water to the pool!

The Relaxation Room
After all that there is nothing like a comfortable room...why is all the furniture off to the side of the wall...ahhh.
(thunk)
I see somebody forgot to level the floor. So...relaxing...oh no the ceiling....



Join now the Theo Epstein Health bar and you'll get 30% membership prices. Hurry though as this is a limited time offer as the building is about to collapse.