Andrew Bailey finds delusion after shaky start

Andrew Bailey, the new Boston Red Sox closer has big shoes to fill in replacing long time fan favorite Jonathan Papelbon while adjusting to the Boston atmosphere but Bailey says he's not worried.

"No, not at all.  The fans in Boston clearly state that its all about letting the New York Yankees win at Fenway.  They're apparently huge fans of the club and its OK I win once in a while but never against the Yankees.  I promise I'll live up to that bargain."

Apparently Bailey is already on his way to doing that. When asked about his shaky start he said:

"Oh Salty told me before the game to pitch well and I didn't but I wasn't worried.  We got all the little things out of the way like the uniform, ah, where first base is and so forth and that was huge.  I didn't know where first base was before this.   When the season starts, you're looking at Papelbon number two...ah...assuming I'm not on the DL too much this year...which is kind of unlikely.  Just saying."

Before the next question was asked, Andrew continued on as if nobody was asking him questions.

"I want to add the most fun I had was when Salty and I had conversations and talked Milton.  It was very stimulating for me.  You know Milton is really hard poetry.  It's really hard to pitch and think Milton.  I wouldn't recommend it. "

I'm Joe Derive.

In other news, major league umpires are demanding seeing eye dogs at all games from now on to improve efficiently.

"We're mostly blind anyway so we're entitled to that feature.  My dog Tubby is already trained to call balls and strikes with barks leaving me time to enjoy fried chicken and beer.  One bark for a strike and two for a ball...or is it two for a strike...ah I forget.  Anyway, so far it ain't workin too good I think, but catchers say its way better accuracy than ever so ya know...ya gotta let them in.
Here tubby...come and get the Ding-Dongs...good boy...yum...wow you sure do wobble around a lot now...good boy."

Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, David Ortiz stated he has great motivation to get home runs.

"It's exhausting actually running to first base. You have no idea.  I never had to do it before.  Usually I do the King's walk but now I'm running like everyone else.  You have no idea how desperate I'm getting.  I'm hitting about .167, nothin gonna be left of me by the time I'm through.  I want home runs...then I just have to stroll around the bases and sniff the grass.  I miss sniffing the grass."

I'm Joe Derive and I'm done here.